Monday, August 25, 2008

We Can Live Without Boys... Can't We?,
part 3

LAST TIME: The We Can Live Without Boys club was at last born—and quickly doubled its membership thanks to the addition of a new kid (Sam) and a smoker (Kelly). The club's main initiatives seemed to be:
1) Debating at great length the comparative hotness of Kirk Cameron and George Michael;
2) Making fun of the preposterously named Laurie Terd;
3) Complaining about Kelly's "troublemaker" cousin Emmy; and of course
4) Scheming to dress up as 10-year-old prostitutes on Halloween.

The day of Halloween. Hooker day.

Hooker day! It really says that!!!

The butterflies in my stomach were doing the jitterbug. I wasn't in the least bit hungry. Or the greatest bit for that matter. I decided to call Sherry.

"Hello. May I ask who's calling?"
"Hi, Sherry."
"Good morning, Maggie."
"I feel terrible. I'm so nervous. How are you?"
"I know the feeling."
"I gotta go eat breakfast. See ya later."

In reality, I knew that you could never get away with dressing up as a hooker in fourth grade (I'm pretty sure my costume that year was "fairy princess"), but my friends and I thought that if you could, it would be the Awesomest! Costume! Ever!

I went into my mom's room and peered into the full-length mirror. I was wearing a bikini; in between the top and bottom was something warm and see-thru
that I had Hilda sew on [think ice-skating prostitute]. Also, I wore my Jean-Jacket. Then, I wore my pink glow-in-the-dark tights. Some extremely high-heeled purple high-heels with straps were on my feet. Hot, huh?

At 31 I can just barely walk in heels, so I'm not quite sure how these girls managed to master it by age 10.

Breakfast was disgusting. Patrick threw his blueberry muffin at Steph. She ducked. Cassie was splattered in the face with blueberry muffin. Mitch cracked up at the sight of that. Then, in came Hilda. OH NO, NOT HILDA.

The House Cleaner will gladly help you fashion a streetwalker costume, but she does not tolerate airborne muffins!

Pat was the only one who got in trouble. Unless you count Mitch who was yelled at for laughing at Cassie. Actually, Cassie looked hilarious; I just kept it inside myself.

Sherry looked great. She wore too much eye make-up and was wearing bright red lipstick. She also had a fake beauty mark right where Madonna has her own. Her tank-top was white with pink polka dots. Her tight black mini-skirt was more than mini. Underneath were those tights that look like pants
[uh, footless tights?] in purple. Her black suede boots were perfect.

"Lookin' good." I complimented.
"Hubba hubba." she complimented back.

On the bus, Alex whistled. Sherry threated to punch him. My threat was Mitch. (alias the itch) Alex also got something from Jenni when he started to get deseperate. Good for Jenni. Foo foo on Alex.

Marsha, still my enemy, soon got on the bus from sleeping over at Daphne's house.

I am up on the latest gossip from going to Jenni's place, which I had done the day before. Like: Robby's new girlfriend is a gorgeous Blondie. And: Marsha is writing and Robby isn't writing back. Clubs: Ours is the most secret. One more: Girls hate Emmy. Boys love her. TOTALLY SICK.

Before I knew it, the bus stopped in the school parking lot. Sherry tapped me. "C'mon," she said "I see Sam."

"Hiya, Sam."
"Good morning, Miss Trainline."
"Hi, Maggie. Hi, Sherry."

Sam's outfit was definitely hooker-style............. a tight bathing suit with high-cut sides. Underneath, fish-net stockings. As smooth as a duck's down was her fake fur jacket. Just a snow-white spring-type jacket. Then, to top it off, she wore high-heeled and hot pink leather boots. Gorgeous.

"Gorgeous" and "hooker" are not two words I generally associate with one another, but okay. Please note: Sam is not wearing any pants. And unlike Maggie, she's barely even wearing tights.

"I wonder what Emmy is? A blob, I hope. Or something more detailed and related to fine art, maybe?" said Sam.
Like what, 'The Mona Lisa'?, I thought.
"You mean herself? A dog? She wouldn't have to dress up for that one." Sherry commented.

I'm don't think that made sense to me even when I wrote it.

"Look," I said "Here comes Kelly."

It was indeed Kelly. She was rolling her eyes. Behind her was Emmy, looking royal and stately. She was dressed as a princess, as you probably guessed. Oh, Lord, I thought.

Kelly was wearing extremely tight pants-jeans. They were accompanied by a pair of flouresant yellow anklets (you might call them short socks). A tight piece of purple material was around the top part of her chest. I don't feel like calling this part of her body by name.
And don't worry she wore a jean jacket and beautiful lavendar high heeled shoes. Way to go, Kelly.

I don't know if you gals were aware, but referring to another girl's breasts technically makes you a lesbian. Just an FYI.

"The bell didn't ring?" Kelly asked us, concerned.
"NO WAY." said Sam, sure of herself.

"YOU JERK," Kelly cried. "YOU'RE GONNA GET IT." She dug her lavendar heel into Emmy's leg. Then she hit Emmy over the head with a book. Last but, definitely not least she pushed Emmy down and ripped her baby blue dress. We cheered.

"Ow, you idiot, that really hurt." said Emmy.
"Well I sure hope it did." said Kelly.
"Yeah, you report-on-Maine stealer." Sherry added.
"hmph." Emmy mumbled softly, walking away.
"Did those animals hurt you, baby?" Alex asked Emmy.
"Mmm-hmm." Emmy whispered.
"It's okay, honey. Alex is here." He said smiling.

Alex is ridiculously creepy. I love it!

"I'm sure he is." she said giving him the sad eye treatment. "Now leave me alone." And she stomped off.

In the classroom Emmy sat down majestically. James hit Sam on the but and she kicked him with her beautiful hot pink boot. I hooted. James sure deserved at least that much. I hate 'im. Honest ta god I hate 'im. He oughta get a good lickin' now, that no good turkey eye. Do you like my western imitation?

Add in a couple "cocksucker"s and it's like we walked right onto the set of Deadwood! ...Well, they've got the whore part down anyway.

"Class." said Mrs. Melnick "We have yet another new student. Hopefully it will be our last."

Hallelujah, Mrs. M.! For those of you not keeping track, this is their fourth new student in two months. If you haven't noticed, my strategy was much like that of a staff writer for 7th Heaven: When I ran out of ideas plot-wise, I'd just add a new character. Problem solved!

Standing there was a gorgeous boy. His skin was slightly tanned. Oh he probably lived in California. [These girls are really creaming their hooker-style panties for California, aren't they?] Baby blue eyes are great on guys and his were the best. I thought I would die on the spot. His cute and wavy blond hair looked great next to his tan. Oh god, I thought.

"This is Brian." continued Mrs. Melnick "Now children Brian didn't bring any costume for our Halloween parade which I might remind you is at 10:30 this morning." She pointed to the clock.

"Mrs. Melnick." cried Tiffanie "Brian can use some of my hair spray." She held up a bottle. "No harm done." she added and pointed to her hair.
"Thank you, Tiffanie. Would you bring it up here."
"Sure, Mrs. Melnick." said Tiffanie.

I watched in horror and Brian's beautiful blond hair turned a harsh purple. RUINED.

"Brian how about sitting there." Mrs. Melnick pointed to the seat next to Daphne. Daphne patted the seat comfortably. She looked at me and smiled wickedly. Tiffanie scowled.

At the club meeting I started talking first. "Did you see that Brian. He was a hunk until his hair turned purple. Gosh."
"Oh I guess he was ok." said Sam eyeing me.

"Ok? He was better than Kirk Cameron." They all stared at me like I'd just said I was gay or something.

I find this analogy particularly hilarious since she, in fact, sounds extremely hetero.

"Ok maybe I was exaggerating a little." No change of expression. "A lot. I was wrong." Sherry smiled and said "Now remember we can live without 'em. Got it?" This is gonna be harder than I expected.

"Oh just listen to his sexy voice." said Cassie, smiling. She had her headphones on, listening to a tape. I wondered what tape it was. Cassie read my mind. "Richard Marx is a babe." she added. Richard Marx, I thought. Figures.

As in "Sexy voice; figures it's Richard Marx" or "Cassie thinks the music at the dentist's office rocks; figures it's Richard Marx"? (Sidenote: Richard Marx was totally playing at my dentist's the other day. Oh yeah.)

"This new boy in our class is a babe. Almost better than Kirk Cameron."

Again with the Kirk worship! I ask you, is he really all that great?

Hmmm... a fedora, a Cosby sweater, and just a hint of mullet. Yeah, I guess that is pretty tough to beat.

Cassie pulled her headphones off. "Are you crazy? What does he look like? Tell all."
"Chad Allen only better. Baby blue eyes and gorgeous wavy blond hair. Only Tiffanie colored his hair purple. GRODY."
"Who's Tiffanie?" Cassie asked.
"This dorky girl in my class. If she laughs she gets the hiccups."

"Weird. Now get out because I want to hear 'Endless Summer Nights'."

I made a face at her. Cassie picked up a pillow. On the floor there was an open nail polish bottle. I pointed. Cassie scowled. Before I left I said "Don't act like Tiffanie."

"I found this note in my desk." said Kelly. "Here, Maggie, take a look."

The note read:

Sorry, I don't know how to make that any bigger. For those of you with poor eyesight, the gist is that Brian likes his pants-jeans hooker-style (kinda pervy, no?) and as such is head-over-lavender-high-heels in love with Kelly. (Yes, yes, I know the high heels were Kelly's, not Brian's, but I couldn't resist.) Now he desperately needs to know whether Kelly likes him, loves him, hates him, or finds him strictly so-so. And of course, whether she wants to "go with him." He has wisely given her no "MAYBE" cop-out, so she must circle either "YES" or "NO." What will it be? What will it be?

Then I got a terrible stomach ache. "Kelly, I feel sick. I think I should go home." God, I thought, It hurts to talk.

"Maggie, I'm so sorry. I know you really liked him but I like him too. And he likes me. So I'm gonna do what I want and go with him. You might not like it but I'm doing what's right for me. I'm sorry if it makes you angry with me but if I had my way we'd still be friends. By the way, they're taking Rags To Riches off the air." Then Kelly walked off.

Oh my God, LOW BLOW, Kelly! It's not enough to rub it in Maggie's face that hunky Brian wants to get into your hooker pants (metaphorically; they are only 10, after all), you have to announce the universe-altering Rags to Riches cancellation news in the same breath??? Way to kick a girl when she's down!

NEXT TIME: Kelly's decision has a drastic impact on the club's mission, and Maggie pukes a lot.


Colie said...

ha, i love this blog! The girls who can live without boys want to dress like hookers? That's kinda contradictory. Which means of course, that i love it!

Oh btw, not sure about everyone else but when i click on the pic in your blog (eg Brian's awesome note to Kelly), it comes up huge, so you dont have to worry about not making it bigger :-)

Oh and thanks for posting so frequently. this is swriously my favourite blog.

Desiree said...

Ha, I love the hooker stuff! I recall one time at a sleepover, it must have been 5th grade-ish, playing a game called "Hookers and Clients" which basically entailed getting all hooker-fied, discussing the night's adventures with your hooker-BFFs and then taking your imaginary "Client" into the bathroom (which was actually just sitting there by yourself for a few minutes)...and then coming back and complaining about the amount of money you got. Though - we didn't really even know what a hooker actually DID for the money, so there was a big part of the plotline missing. We just knew they wore TOTALLY awesome outfits!

gremlinley said...

"Report-on-Maine stealer" is up there with Gorman's "teddy-bear head" as the best burn ever.

The hooker costume descriptions rule!

NoseInANovel said...

Man, I really want a pair of lavender high heels now.

@desiree: best. game. ever.

AC said...

Hilarious! I love this blog. Thanks for posting!

zanne said...

This story is so awesome. I love it! I think my favorite part was "you report-on-Maine stealer!" HA! Love the hooker outfits! Where did you come up with that stuff?! Also, that is funny about 7th Heaven--so true! I actually used to watch the show when it first started, but then stopped. By the time the series ended, they had added all these new characters!

I never really liked Kirk Cameron. I thought he was ok, but I never had a crush on him.

I like how you always have notes and drawings to go along with your stories!

Diana said...

I followed a link from The Dairi Burger here, and I absolutely love this blog. You've saved me from a very boring afternoon at work! You've even got me considering creating my own blog for the crap I used to write when I was in elementary/middle school.

Sada said...

Desiree: "Hookers and Clients"! Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God. Unfortunately, we DID know what hookers did with their clients, which makes my hooker fascination, um, maybe a little weirder.

Diana: Welcome! If you do put up your own tween writing blog, definitely, DEFINITELY send me the link! Or if you decide you're not that ambitious, I'm always accepting guest author submissions...

Bridget Locke said...

The storylines blow my mind. :) That's not a bad thing. LOL!

Let me know when you want me to send you the horrid story I wrote in 7th grade. Trust me, it's awful. :)

Anonymous said...

This is the greatest story ever! I am going to have to adopt report-on-Maine-stealer myself. And the Rags to Riches cancellation news: huh? Awesome!

halle said...

so so disappointed that there are no illustrations of the halloween hookers.

gollygee said...

This is a frickin MASTERPIECE!!!! And those outfits are like the best 1980s hooker styles EVAR!!!! :D

Kristin said...

Ummm I love the Rags to Riches reference!! I too was devastated when it went off the air!

I wish I could find my stories. They were always about twins meeting hot twin guys.

Deathycat said...

That was awesome. Go Kelly. And Desiree, Hookers and Clients sounds like the best game ever. Me and one of my friends when we were kids would pretend we were strippers. We said we were hookers too, but neither of us knew what that meant so we mostly just practiced stripping and dancing.