Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Ghost and the Cowgirl (Oh! Oww! Oww!)

You guys? I know. I am the mayor of Slackerville. The CEO of Slack, LLC. The... um... head of something else that involves slacking. But I'm back! Again! And I've brought with me Shorlock Homes the Cowgirl and Jenany and Jonhhy, the Children of Terrible Spellers. Do you forgive me? Maybe a little?

Guest author Michelle wrote these all-too-brief goodies when she was in second grade (circa 1998–1999). The first is a Halloween thriller... if by "thriller" you mean "barely-make-senser."

Halloween night part 1

"Aghhhhh! ghost!" cried Jenany is she ran downstairs. "Where!?" creied Mom, Dad, Kristy, and me.

Michelle says: I was a Babysitters Club nut when I was a little kid, and Kristy was my favorite character before I realized she was a bossy dictator who terrified me. Also, "Jenany" is supposed to be "Jenny."

"Upstairs!," she said. "let's get him!" we all creied!

End of part 3

Michelle says: I find it hilarious that I divided up such a short story into sections. And that I forgot what part I was doing so early on.

Sada says: I like that the parental response to a supernatural sighting by young Jenany is neither a) "Now, Jenany, you know ghosts aren't real..." nor b) "A ghost? Let's GET THE FRIG OUT OF HERE!" Nope, instead they're all, "Let's take that sucker DOWN!"

I think that's Jenany on the left.

Part 2

Whosh! the trees blew. It was not to sunny. We knew we could'nt bang into him.

Michelle says: Into whom? I'm assuming the ghost.

Sada says: Bang into him? Is he a ghost or a wall? Also, I thought vampires were the only weather-restricted supernatural beings, but I guess I stand corrected!

"There are no such things is ghosts" said brother Jonhhy."

Michelle says: Brother Jonhhy? Why is it that Kristy and Jenany, who I'm assuming are the unnamed protaganist's sisters, don't have "Sister" in front of their names? Or is Jonhhy a monk? Or am I reading too much into this?

"There is to and I saw him!"

Brother Johny lauhed so hard he fell and saw the ghost.

End of part 2

Sada says: Say what? Has Brother Jonhhy been sipping too much of the Trappist beer? Did he perhaps hit his head and then "see" said ghost? Or could this happen to anyone?! If so, be careful, gang! Excessive laughter COULD cause you to topple over and glimpse a specter!

Michelle says: Note that poor Johnny seems to have a new spelling of his name every time he's mentioned. Half of the words I repeat in this story are spelled differently the second time around.

Part 3

"Ehhhhhhh!" he creid. (Boo hoo).

Michelle says: Best scream ever.

"Help!" we all creied! Then frankinsein step on the dog.

Michelle says: Wait... Frankenstein stepped on the dog? If this had a semblance of coherency up until now, it was just shattered into a million pieces.

This is awful! I sreamed.

End of part 3.

Part 3

Michelle says: Because naming Part 4 "Part 4" is so overrated.

"TIRCK or Teat! smell my feet!"

It was Joey and the nebors!


Michelle says:
Let me get this straight: Some random kid named Joey and the neighbors put this all together? I'd be pretty freaking pissed if I were Jenany and crew!

Sada says: I'm SO confused. So Joey and Frankenstein are in cahoots? With the ghost that can't be bumped into after sundown? And why did they drag the poor dog into it?

Seriously, can we review what just happened? Because it was basically this:

Jenany: Augh! GHOST!
Family: Where? We will kick that phantasm's ASS!
Friar Jonhhy: Dude. Everyone knows ghosts aren't real.
Jenany: Are too!
Friar Jonhhy: Ha ha ha ha ha ha--ouch. OMIGOD, a ghost! Ehhhhhhh!
Frankenstein: Hope you didn't like that dog.
Mystery narrator: This blows!
Joey and the nebors: TIRCK or Teat, bitches! You totally got punk'd!

Yeah, there are no answers here. However, one thing's for sure: If your name is Jenany, you should avoid the TIRCKS at all costs and stick to Joey and the nebors' Teats. (Ew?)

Next up is the story you've all been waiting for...


Michelle says: It should be said that I had no idea who Sherlock Holmes was, so I decided that he must be a cowgirl. Yes, a cowgirl. Don't ask me where I got that from.

Sada says: And if you're having trouble picturing that...

...it might look a little something like this.

Walking her horse through the desert, Shorlock Homes was carful, just in case if the robber, Jenson Leanes, jumped out and started a fight.

Michelle says: For some reason I thought a cowboy/cowgirl was a sheriff, and that outlaws just randomly attacked them.

She was very brave. All of a sudden there was a loud, paniked sream. It was Jenson Leanes! Her horse went up on his hind legs and ran as fast as he could. She got out her gun and started shooting. (Jenson was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so mean!)

Sada says: That's pretty mean.

"Well, well, well. If Jenson gets shot everyone in the west would be safe, right?" She shot her in the face.

Michelle says: Wait! Isn't she supposed to arrest her or something? Dude, Shorlock Homes the Cowgirl totally just murdered someone!

Sada says: Do NOT mess with Shorlock Homes the Cowgirl. She will definitely find a way to justify shooting you in the face.

But the west wasn't safe yet. There was still Jakson Lenson. She traed to cacth her, but got hurt.

Michelle says: You can totally see here I was getting tired of writing this—one sentence after I introduced a new character. But poor Shorlock Homes, were her injuries fatal? Was she ever put on trial for shooting Jenson Leanes in the face? The world will never know.

That brings us to Michelle's final bit of guest author magic: a song (though, sadly, not about Shorlock Homes).

Michelle says: I have no idea to what tune it would go and it's painful to imagine ANYONE singing this. This lovely little ditty is called "Oh! Oww! Oww!"

Sada says: That sounds like something I'd sing after accidentally walking into my coffee table. Which happens much more frequently than I'd like to admit.

I need ya, baby!
Something with you, my loooooooooove!
I love you darling, of course I doooooo!
Your cute!
I'll marry you!
Could yoooooou?
Would yoooooou?
You will?!
Oooh, baby!

Michelle says: This... requires no comment.

Sada says: Everyone, feel free to set this to music and serenade your significant other at the earliest possible occasion.

NEXT TIME: My autobiography, written at age 11. It's a page-scroller, all right.