Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My Diary, part two

LAST TIME: Jenny-or-Jen was so, so excited about her new diary ("Ashley") because she wanted to be just like Anne Frank! Minus that whole Holocaust thing. Jenny-or-Jen's parents were about to finalize their divorce, but our heroine was much more upset about having to walk her "pesty" little sister home from school because OHMYGOD someone might SEE! Maybe even Todd Swartz and his cool haircut! The horror!!! Meanwhile, Jenny-or-Jen got in a fight with her friend Gretchen over her ice-rink bullying of their shy, chubby friend Abby. (I don't know why I bothered listing both adjectives, as so far the chubby girls in my stories are always shy.) Oh, and Jenny-or-Jen's besty, Sarah, got stuck in a blizzard while on vacation. I swear she did! OH THE DRAMA.


Dear Ashley,

Today we did nothing but clean, clean, clean! Sarah got back today and she has pnemonia! She couldn't talk on the phone. I guess her aunt feels so, so bad. I swear Sarah is so, so sick. Pnemonia is something people die of. I hope Sarah doesn't die. I know she won't though.

My knowledge of pneumonia? Pretty much nonexistent. If you couldn't tell.

Mom says she saw Gretchen walking her dog today and how is she. I said, 'BAD I hope'. Mom said what a mean thing to say about a friend. I said 'What friend?' Abby is doing OK. She called me to say she lost 1 pound already. I said great. I wonder how much she weighs. I didn't ask her. I swear that is rude. She must weigh so, so much. I only weigh 85 lb. I swear it's not that much.

I have no idea what a fifth grader should weigh—so naturally I Googled it! According to some website the average weight for an 11-year-old girl is 79.2 lbs. Although that seems pretty suspicious, I'm going to go with it just so I can say HAHA, Jen, you're 5.8 lbs overweight! SUCK IT!


Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not going back to school tomorrow. She is so, so lucky. I swear she is!

Lucky that she's on her veritable deathbed! Wasting away with pneumonia is totally better than school! I swear!

Abby came over. We prank called Gretchen. It was so, so funny. I guess she knew who it was 'cause she prank called back. I swear she's so, so stupid! I'm not looking forward to walking so, so pesty Lucy home tomorrow. I swear something bad will happen. I'll be so, so embarassed if anyone sees me! I went ice-skating again. Abby couldn't go because her brother had a doctor's appointment and her mom couldn't pick her up later. I think she was afraid of Gretchen. Brave old me went even though I hate skating alone. Gretchen
was there, but I was lucky! She fell and hurt her ankle and couldn't skate.

Lucky break! Er, sprain?

Does anyone else reminisce about the good old days when you could make prank calls in virtual anonymity? We spent one New Year's Eve making the most hilaaaarious prank calls ever... until we got some old man on the phone who thought our friend was his son and was so excited that he'd called. I know. Way to kill our buzz, sad old man.


Dear Ashley,

I hate school. I hate Gretchen so, so much. I swear I hate her more than anything else. Even brocolli, brussel sprouts, and asparagus.

I maintained a unhealthy hatred for vegetables until adulthood. I'm so, so reformed now, I swear.

She saw me walking home and pointed me out to the most popular 5th grade boys. They were cracking up. I will be so, so unpopular at school tomorrow. I swear I will get even with Gretchen.

11. Get even with Gretchen.

12. Get a gerbil.

13. Get to know Abby better.

I have never had a pet. I want a gerbil named Tails. I haven't told mom yet. She won't understand. I know she never had pets as a child. Dad did. He would understand. He is so, so nice. I swear to call him later. I miss dad so, so much.


Dear Ashley,

I WAS LUCKY TODAY! Remember when Gretchen sprained her ankle skating? Well, she broke it!!! She fell down the stairs. How stupid!

Okay, THIS one was a lucky break! (Yessss, I knew I could work that pun in somewhere!) And did I say Gretchen got bitchier in this installment? What I meant was that JEN got bitchier.

So no one said anything to me. They will after the affect wears off. I swear they will. I will be so, so unpopular. Today Mrs. Gremston, my reading teacher, gave us pen-pals from the 5th grade at Fairfax.

That's the name of MY elementary school, so I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Does Jenny-or-Jen attend another elementary school in Cleveland Heights, or was I really that hard-pressed to come up with a school name? Here's a tip, fifth-grade me: Just pick a president. Any president. You'll be golden.

I have this girl, Kristina Martin. I don't know anything about her. I will when she writes back.

The role of Kristina Martin will be played by my sister.


14. Meet my pen-pal and write so, so interesting letters.

I swear I love to write. Today was a lucky day. Lucy walked ahead of me with a friend. I was so, so happy. I swear I'm gonna fall asleep. Right now.....


Dear Ashley,

TODAY IS ONLY WEDNESDAY. I wish it was Friday. I wish my pen-pal would write back real soon. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I am trying to stop saying I


15. Stop saying 'I swear' and 'so, so' so much.

Hold your applause! We don't know if she'll actually stick to it.

Abby was getting annoyed with me. I didn't mean to annoy her, but I did. She lost 3 pounds. Today was boring. I wish Sarah was here. She is still real sick. She will be back in school next week, for sure. I'll bet her aunt feels
so, so really bad. I would. Sarah can't draw. I wouldn't be able to write and I would kill my aunt. I'm so, so bored.


Jenny or Jen

What's up with aunt bashing? Why don't you just prank call her and get it over with, Jenny (or Jen)?


Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow we are going to New York. My grandpa had a heart attack and mom went to help him. He lives in Brockport, New York.

Apparently the ailing-grandfather-in-New-York plotline wasn't boring enough the first time around, so I had to regurgitate it here.

We missed school on Friday. Dad picked us up on Thursday and took us to his house. We couldn't change our clothes because dad doesn't have a key to our house. He woke up too late to take us to school.

Things we know about Jen's dad:
1) He lives at McDonald's.
2) He can't wake up on time to take his children to school.

Sounds like quite the catch!

We are coming back on Monday. Not this Monday, next Monday. We will miss so, so much school. And I won't have to walk with Pesty Lucy. I'm so, so happy! I hope Gretchen falls down the stairs and I hope after she falls, her crutch goes up her nose, and she breaks her nose, too. I swear I hope it happens. I hate her so, so much.

I'm having a hard time imagining the logistics of this crutch-up-the-nose scenario. So she falls down the stairs WITH her crutches and then lands in such a way that the crutch breaks her nose? Call me a cynic, but that seems awfully far-fetched.

I hope Sarah gets better really soon. Sometimes I think she'll never be better.
[Please note that she has been sick for precisely one week.] I really love Sarah, even though that sounds sick.
[Love = totally embarrassing.] She is my best friend.



It's Mo-onday
It's Mo-onday
Hey, Jenny, Jenny,
and a Ha Cha Cha

This is based on some song my dad used to sing and therefore not as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe?

Dear Ashley,

I'm so, so glad I'm not in school. I'd be in Science. BLECH! I hate Science, but I hate Miss Litzco even more. A D. She gave me a D. What did I ever do to her?!?!?!? Nothin'. I did pretty good in Science. I deserved a B at least. But no, she gives me a D. And what for?!?!?!? Nothin'. Brockport is OK. We won't be here for too long anyways. Lucinda met this kid named Julie who is in half-day kindergarten, so she had a friend and Tony met Mike and Ben. I don't know anybody. I hardly even know Grandpa. I've met him twice before. Gramma is dead. My aunt Susan is always hanging around with my cousins, Ellen (10) and Beth (7). Lucy is friends with Beth, too. SNOBS!

Um, so guess who her cousin Ellen is? Ellen Irving, who went all don't-you-talk-about-my-momma on the first day of school. That's right. You thought this wasn't a Friendship book, but I TOTALLY FOOLED YOU! Especially since I called Friendship "Brockport."


Dear Ashley,

Today Aunt Sue came over with the Snob Force, Ellen and Beth. Lucy and Beth and Julie ran off, giggling. Aunt Sue tried to get me to play with Ellen. BLECH! I will never play with part of the Snob Force.
So, may the Force be with you, Ellen. The Snob Force, that is!

Nothing like an awkward Star Wars reference.

Tony has a girlfriend. Her name is Janie. She is so, so skinny. I think she's anorexic. I heard Ellen mutter "Toothpick Jane" under her breath. She should be talking, the skin and bones. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either.

I'm thinking Jen is about two years away from an eating disorder.

I saw Tony and Janie making out. It was gross! They were just like teens in movies. I think that's where they learned it. Anyways, he just met her on Monday. How sick! Tony usually likes girls for their looks and their body. It isn't Janie's body. She's so flat she makes the walls jealous!

No one is spared from the wrath of Jenny-or-Jen. Especially not Toothpick Jane, slutty anorexic and Itty Bitty Titty Committee president.



Thank Goodness It's Friday

Aunt Sue was over again. She talked mom into making me play with Ellen! She kept following me around. When I finally thought I'd lost her, I went and spyed on Tony and Janie. They were making out in the basement and I was spying at them through the hole in the floor that Lucy found.

Okay, dirty perv. Can't you just watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High on TBS or something?

I didn't know Ellen was behind me. I stepped back and she looked in. She looked back at me and widened her eyes. I was blushing. I was so embarassed. I hoped she wouldn't tell Aunt Sue. Then Ellen put her face right up to the hole and- ....made kissing noises! I couldn't believe it!!! Part of the Snob Force? It couldn't be! Maybe Ellen wasn't so bad. Well, Tony and Janie ran upstairs. They had turned red. Tony blamed it all on me! But Ellen stood up and said it had been her. Ellen isn't in the Snob Force!


Oh NO, Jen has found a partner in obnoxious crime.


Hi! I'm Ellen. I can't believe you called me and Beth the Snob Force! I'm glad everything is okay between us, now. Anyways, Beth is a Snob. How about we say that Lucy, Beth, & Julie are the Snob Force. Tony and Janie can be the Make Out Team. Okay? Well, thanx for trusting me with your diary. It's really neat. I'm going to buy one. I'm going to miss you so, so (HA!) much. I swear (HA!) I will. Anyways, I'll be 11 on March 8. So you will always know when to send me a birthday present. Don't worry, I'll send u one, too! Well, I'm running out of room so, BYE!


I totally want to be on the Make Out Team. Or start a band called the Make Out Team. Or both.


Dear Ashley,

Well, I let Ellen see you. As you can see, she thinks you are so, so cool. Just like me! Ellen is my second best friend. Sarah is first and Abby is third.

Poor Abby. The fat girl's position was usurped in under 48 hours.

So far I haven't been able to show you to Sarah. You know, how she's been sick and all. I still haven't seen Twins yet. Ellen did and she said it was OK, but it wasn't really that good. I miss Sarah so, so much. We are going home tomorrow so, then I'll miss Ellen. Life isn't fair. I wonder what will happen with Tony and Janie. They went to Janie's and I know what they were doing, too.

Go Team Make Out!

How sick!!! Well, 'bye!

Jenny or Jen

Super Sunday

We are driving home. Tony is up front with mom. I have to sit next to so, so Pesty Lucy. But Thank God Almighty she is fast asleep. I swear, she snores like a motorcycle!

My grandfather snores like a motorcycle (literally—once we heard him snoring from UPSTAIRS and thought there was a chopper outside), but I don't see how a seven-year-old girl could have developed this malady.

Well, tomorrow I have school. BLECH!!! I hope Sarah is back, I hope Abby is skinny, I hope Gretchen is dead [WOW], and I hope Ellen moves down here. I'm getting my hopes up too high. Well, I'm going to go ice-skating soon before I forget how. OH NO! I just remembered that I have to walk home with Pesty Lucy, who's waking up!!! 'BYE! Now it's about 10:30. If I don't stop writing and go to sleep, I'll never get up tomorrow. I went to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Abby. It was good! Sarah's mom said I can come over after school tomorrow because Sarah is getting better! I can't wait!!!



Hi Ashley!

I'm Sarah. We are getting me a tutor if I get sicker. I'm supposed to come back on Wednesday (To School). Well, I'm glad Jenny likes you since I bought you for her. I think Ellen is nice and Jenny shouldn't of judged her like that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jenny, the numbskull. Well, I'm letting Jenny take over.

'Bye L♥ve,

P.S. Sorry about Todd.
P.S.S. I hate Gretchen, too!

And because Sarah is such an artiste, we have this:

Yes, that's the wife of Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Don't believe me?

Because spouses look alike? And have variations on the same name??

Maniac Monday

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Jennnyyy!
Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Ashley,

Today was mainly a good day, but there was one bad thing. Well, I had forgotten it was my birthday until about 11:00 last night. I thought everybody else had too. But when I woke up I was so, so surprised. They were all in my room with presents. Mom had bought me a paint-splatter sweat shirt
[Radical!] and... a typewriter with fancy typing paper! Tony bought me a pack of colored pencils and a kitten poster.

Lucy bought me a shell necklace and gave me a picture she made in school. Sometimes she isn't Pesty Lucy, Snob Force member. The bad thing was at school. It had to do with Todd and Gretchen. Yes, on Tuesday Todd asked Gretchen to go with him. I'm heartbroken. As soon as I got to Sarah's I burst out crying, but Sarah was her usual nice self. She comforted me and calmed me down. I guess that's why he was so nice to us. Well, I wonder if they make out like Tony and Janie!

Dear GOD, let's hope not.

You can tell their in love because they make goo-goo eyes at each other during class and he carries her books everywhere for her and they sit together at lunch.

As you can see, my male characters are getting SO much more realistic.

I think Gretchen just wants to make me jealous. But I know Todd likes her and not me, but why did I have to found out on my birthday, of all days? But Abby was nice too. She remembered my birthday and bought me some earrings. They are really pretty, shells to match my necklace. And then there was Sarah's gift. It was a Best Friends necklace, where there's one best and one friends. I got friends. The heart is broken and really fits together.


Wonderful Wednesday

Dear Ashley,

Sarah came back to school today. The teacher, Mrs. Enite, let us put our desks together so I can help Sarah. Like she needs help! She's so independent now. She does everything for herself! Talk about a drastic change.

Apparently pneumonia is really empowering. Either that or getting stranded in a restaurant during a blizzard. One of the two, definitely.

And Abby is in a really good mood because she lost 7 pounds and she didn't even mind eating her rabbit food.

1) I'm definitely ripping off someone with "rabbit food," I just don't know who. (Anyone?)
2) Abby lost 7 lbs in under a month?! I don't know how much she weighs (I'm not rude either, I swear I'm not!), but that sounds mighty unhealthy.

Sarah isn't going to get sick again, she's really healthy.

Ummm, okay...?

I've got to do something about Gretchen. She and Todd were feeding each other at lunch! It was so sick!

Didn't all the fifth grade couples you knew feed each other? I mean for the, like, three days that they "went together"? Come on!

Gretchen kept glancing over at me and smirking with this really smug expression look on her face. What a britch!

I'm sorry, remember when I said Gretchen got bitchier this go-round? Yeah, well, I meant BRITCHIER. Obviously.

But dad came over and gave me my present. It was a light blue cassette player radio! I'm so excited. It's really cool. But mom just yelled that Sarah's on the phone. 'Bye.


NEXT TIME: The britchiness don't stop. Plus, a love note reveals some vomtastic pet names!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Diary, part one

I declared myself as a "writer" early on in my childhood. This meant I was doomed to receive, at a minimum, five diaries and/or blank books a year as gifts. I mean, I liked writing in a diary and all, but COME ON! I was no Anaïs Nin, people. For one thing, I was 11! There was no way on God's green earth that the trivial details of my life could fill five diaries a year. But the trivial details of a fictional character's life? That's an entirely different story. A story called My Diary.

Here's what the preadolescent promo material has to say about it:


Jenny gets a diary to write all her feelings down in. She has a lot to write. Her best friend, Sarah, is home with pnemonia, she had a fight with her friend, Gretchen, and her friend, Abby, is scared to death of Gretchen. And she has to walk her six-year-old pesty sister home from school. Her parents divorce is final and her dad is moving to Maine. Then her grandpa she hardly knows has a heart attack and her whole life changes. She spends a lot of time in New York with her cousin, Ellen. Then her mom decides to move and Jenny is pulled away from her friends to a place where the only people she knows are her family. Jenny doesn't thinks she fits in at all.

Sorry, by the way, if I misled you with the title. For
my (real) diary you have to go back a few entries. But the book HAD to be called My Diary because, well, that's what it said on the cover:

And OF COURSE I set out to create the most authentic fake diary the world had ever seen, switching up my writing implements for the various entries (
I'll try to vary the font color here so you can get the full experience) and giving ol' Jenny a handwriting style that was, once again, eerily similar to Stacey McGill's.

Seriously, did anyone actually dot their i's with hearts? ANYONE?

My Diary


A diary! I swear I have always wanted a diary! Someplace to write my feelings where no one else can find them out. So here goes nothing, Diary:

My name is Jennifer Ann Scott. My best friend is Sarah Betsy Alton.

There were so many nicknames that confounded me as a child. Jack is a nickname for John? WHY? It's not even shorter! And it makes sense that Maggie and Meg are nicknames for Margaret—but PEG?! What? the? hell? It looks like we can add "Betsy" to the list too. Liz and Beth I was familiar with, yes, but apparently I believed Betsy to be a name in its own right.

I like to write. I swear I do. Sarah likes to draw. She is really good. I swear she is. I have wanted a diary ever since I read the diary of Anne Frank. I swear that was the best book. So now I am so, so glad Sarah bought me this for Christmas/Hanukkah. (She is Jewish)

Nope, Alton doesn't sound Jewish to me either.

I swear I will get her a better present next year. So in Anne Frank she named her diary "Kitty". That was so, so cool! So I am going to give you a name. ASHLEY. That name is so, so pretty. I swear, that is the best name. Good bye, Ashley!

Your Pal,

Ashley! That is soooo 20 years ago. Now the diary's name would be Madison. Or Ava. Or maybe Isabella or Sophie.


Dear Ashley,

Yesterday we went to see a play. My brother, Anthony, was in it. He was good. I swear he was! Gosh, I didn't tell you about my family, did I? Well, my parents are separated. They have been for 3 years. I swear they have. They are going to get a divorce soon. I live with my mom. She is so, so nice. Much nicer than dad. He deserted us. "US" is me, 10½, Anthony (TONY), 13, Lucy (LUCILLE), 6, and mom. We visit him every month. He never sees us for the holidays, but he sends us Christmas gifts and stuff on our birthdays. Sometimes I really miss my dad. He was so, so nice. And grouchy. I swear he's the grouchiest person ever.

My parents are still together, so I was pulling this divorce stuff out of my ass. That may explain why Jen sounds like she has a personality disorder when she talks about her dad.

Mom just told me I have to walk Lucy home when school starts! YECH! I swear I will die. Lucy is such a pest! She is so, so pesty!

I am so, so ripping off the BSC. At least Lucy doesn't call anyone a silly-billy-goo-goo. I hope.


Dear Ashley,

"Scott" is dad's last name. His name is Jason Scott. My mom's name is Edith Fields. She used to be Edith Scott. Now she hates the name Scott.
I say we should have named Anthony "Scott". The he'd be "Scott Scott". Mom just says "HA HA" like it isn't really funny at all.

I'm with you, Edith.

It really snowed today! We went outside and froze up. There was no Hot Chocolate when we came in either. Mom was really mad. She blew up and started saying how no one ever appreciates what she does.

I suspect this may have been inspired by real-life bratty hot chocolate demands and my mom's subsequent outrage.

I think she was just mad because the roads were blocked and she was stuck here with us. Lucy wanted her to read to her all day. I swear, she is such a pest! I was so, so cold. Anthony hit me in the face with a snowball. I swear, I will kill him. He is so, so dumb to mess with me!


Dear Ashley,

I know we haven't had a good talk yet. I want to tell you about boys. They're no new discovery. Yep, they've been around.

Jenny = No Magellan.

Some are so, so cute, too! I swear I have never like any of them as much as I like the one I like now. He is so, so perfect I can't believe I didn't notice him before. His name is Todd Swartz. He has brown hair that is cut so, so cool.

I can only imagine what that would look like. Considering our frame of reference in 1988, we could be talking about this:

Or this:

Or, MAN ALIVE, even this:

But brown, of course.

He has blue eyes. I swear they are bluer than blue. He is nice. "Maybe even too nice", my friend Gretchen says. She is so suspicious. She wants to be a detective. "He may be plotting to use us." I ignore her then. Sarah says she is only teasing, but she is so, so annoying. I swear she is terrible. Really she is. I don't see how I put up with her! And Ashley, you can call me Jen or Jenny. Everyone does. There are too many Jennifers!

And NONE of them go by Jen or Jenny. Absolutely none!
Although the idea of the diary "calling" her anything is deeply flawed to begin with.


Dear Ashley,

These are my New Year's resolutions:

#1. I will get out of walking pesty Lucy home from school.

#2. I will go with Todd Swartz by the end of the year.

#3. I will make Gretchen stop teasing me somehow.

#4. I will buy Sarah a better gift for Christmas.

Shouldn't that be Hanukkah? What did she get her, anyway? A cassingle of "Don't Worry, Be Happy"?
Actually, I would have been pretty psyched about that gift in 1988. Never mind.

#5. I will try out for the school play this Spring.

#6. I will get a better grade in Science.

#7. I will get even with Miss Litzco, the Science teacher.

#8. I will write a truly great piece of writing (Poetry, story, etc.)

#9. I will go in the boys' bathroom with Sarah and Gretchen.

#10. I will get Anthony for good.

I swear I will do all these things. Even the ones that are so, so gross.

My friends and I also accomplished Goal #9, but sadly, it was not nearly as gross as we had imagined.


Dear Ashley,

I slept over Sarah's. We watched them drop the ball from wherever they drop it from on New Year's eve.

I was a deeply cultured child.

The year has gone by so quick. It didn't even seem like Christmas this year. Except for when we opened presents any way. Sarah said she feels the same way. So do Gretchen and Abby.

This was based on real-life sentiment. I later realized it didn't feel like Christmas because it was the first year we didn't get toys.
We had offically entered tweendom, and it was kind of lackluster.

Abby is another good friend of mine except she is so shy. She is also FAT if you ask me, but we don't say anything because her main resolution is to lose weight. She is on a strict diet.

Because it's okay to be fat ONLY if you're self-loathing and trying NOT to be fat. Got that?

I love January and December. My birthday is on January 23rd. I cannot wait! Sarah is visiting her aunt for 3 days, starting tomorrow. I am visiting my father tomorrow. We are staying overnight. I can't wait to see my father. I swear I haven't seen him since last year (HA! HA!)!

Thank you, thank you! Try the meatloaf! I'll be here all week!

It is so, so fun visiting dad.


Dear Ashley,

Sorry I couldn't take you to Dad's house, but I swear I could not find you. Mom
SAID she found you under my mattress. I don't believe her. That excuse is so, so flimsy. I know she wanted to find out my innermost feelings. Too bad she doesn't know where I hide the key! Dad took us out to dinner at McDonald's. I swear he could live there. He always takes us to McDonald's.

Well. If I lived at McDonald's, I'd be pretty grouchy too.

We played Pictionary. I was on Tony's team. Lucy cannot draw. I swear she can't. We watched this movie on T.V. Julie Andrews was in it. She was so, so good. We went to Denny's for breakfast. I swear they have the best food. It was so, so "yummy." "Yummy" is Pesty Lucy's word. Dad brought us home. Then Tony and I watched Lucy while Mom and Dad settled something with the lawyer.


Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not back from her aunt's like she is supposed to be. We are supposed to be going to the movies tomorrow to see
TWINS. "It's so, so good!" people tell me.

They are so, so wrong.
I swear.

I swear I will kill her if she doesn't get back in time. I went skating with friends today. Tony likes this girl. He kept showing off at the skating rink. Abby kept falling over so then Gretchen got mad and said get off the wall so Abby started crying but she wouldn't get off the ice. She just sort of collapsed. Gretchen kept saying what a baby Abby was. I think it was Gretchen's fault but I didn't tell it. Was it Abby's fault she wasn't steady on her feet? NO!!! Then Gretchen started calling Abby "FATSO" and stuff. So I got really mad and said, "OH shut up and shove it! You're so nosey and you're always picking on other people. JERK!"


We aren't speaking to each other anymore.


Dear Ashley,

Pink Pen, Pink Paper. I swear I have been looking all over for this pen. But pink isn't my favorite color. Blue is. A lot of pens have blue ink though. I like wearing blue because it brings out the color in my eyes.

Oh yeah, do you guys want to know what Little Miss "There Are Too Many Jennifers" looks like

My favorite thing about this picture? No, it's not the suspenders, or the triangle belt, or the Mallory Pike-y apple print shirt. It's not Jen's lopsided face, her over-application of blush, or the fact that she has the hands of an infant. What I like is that it wasn't ME who drew this. NO—according to the monogram in the corner, this stunner was created by one Sarah Betsy Alton.

It snowed real bad out here. Sarah is stranded in some restaurant in the middle of no where. Her aunt was driving her and her 3-year-old brother Adam (he is so, so sweet and cute) home. There was a real bad snow storm. A BLIZZARD!!!!! This old guy found them and let them stay at his restaurant. He lives above in an apartment.

Imagine Sarah's great disappointment when she FINALLY gets stranded due to a blizzard... and ends up in some old dude's restaurant instead of at the house of her beloved. Oh, the humanity.

Her parents called my mom about the movies. I feel so, so sorry for Sarah. I swear I will be nicer now that I know some of the things she's gone through. I don't know if I could've made it safely!

Jen totally would have perished in the old dude's restaurant.
Thank God Sarah is so strong! She's a veritable ROCK, that one.

NEXT TIME: The rock gets pneumonia (not so tough after all, eh, Sarah?) and Gretchen gets bitchier.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dear Sister 3

LAST TIME: One year after the murders of Melony and Charlotte (Charlette?), Izzy's family had shipped off to Mississippi and Andy's mom—her faith in men blissfully restored—was on the verge of remarriage. No one suspected that Andy and Izzy were the murderesses... no one, that is, except Andy's future stepsister, Rosin Lee, and her loser friend Violet Zwick. Rosin Lee lived up to her "dumb nam" by kinda sorta accusing Andy of the murders. Which Andy responded to by stabbing the crap out of Violet. For some reason, Rosin Lee didn't find her friend's death even slightly fishy and was all "Go for a walk late at night along a cliff? Even though I think you killed some people and my best friend was just murdered in the exact same manner?? Sure, Andy, that sounds lovely and scenic!" But Andy, in a TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE, wore shoes with no traction, and in the middle of her "Say your prayers, because I'm totally about to kill your ass" speech, she slipped off the edge of the cliff and fell to her death. Andy's estranged sister, Alison, then appeared literally out of nowhere two seconds later, accused Rosin Lee of killing Andy, and vowed to avenge her sister's death. Andy's, that is, not Melony's. That conceited snob is old news.

Whew! Now the let's put the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, in guest author Deathycat's stab-happy trilogy:

Dear Sister 3

(Alison is in the cemetary at Andrea's grave.)

Alison: Hi, Andy. It's me again, Alison. I miss you so much. Rosin Lee is such a pain in the butt. But now we're stepsisters. It's been three months since Rosin Lee killed you, it's been so hard, almost unbearable. But I have good news for you. Izzey Hazel is moving back here with her father. I have'nt seen her since your funeral. It was a pretty funeral, a lot of people were there. I still don't get it, how could Rosin Lee just sit there like everyone else. Mother says it's not healthy for me to come here everyday. She says it's good for me to spend alot of time outside, but not in the cemetary. She says I should stop coming here. But i'm just not going to stop coming here all together. I can't just do that. But I'm not going to come here as often. You understand, don't you Andy. Of course you understand. Well I out to go now. It is december you know. And just between you and me Andy, I think this Christmas may be Rosin Lee's last. Well by Andy. I'll see you soon.

(Alison walks off stage left)

Sada says: Total sidenote, but I used to be a nanny, and the kids I watched LOVED playing in cemeteries. They especially liked for me to read them the names on the gravestones. No word yet on whether they've turned Goth. Or completely psycho.

Act 2

(Rosin Lee is in her bedroom fixing her hair)

Rosin Lee: I'm fed up with my hair. I hate it.

Sada says: This is so the least of your worries.

(Alison bursts right in)

Alison: Rosin Lee, Mother and Dinky Boy are going out to dinner. So it's just us. I'll make dinner.

Sada says: I love that Alison openly calls Rosin Lee's dad "Dinky Boy."

(Rosin Lee gets up)

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Can I help?

Alison: No!

Rosin Lee: Why not?

Alison: Because I said so! Now go back to fixing your hair, I'm going to make dinner now.

Rosin Lee: Okay! Just one more thing!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: What are you making?

Alison: Pizza!

Rosin Lee: That's great! Could you get pepporoni and anchovies?

Alison: No, I'm getting sausage!

Rosin Lee: Oh. But Alison, you know I hate sausage!

Alison: Yes I do.

Sada says: Alison's Plan de Evil:

Step 1: Put sausage on pizza.

Step 2: MURDER.

Rosin Lee: Alison.

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Why do you have to be so mean to me!

Alison: What are you talking about? I haven't been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have, Alison. And you know it. But what I want to know is why you have been so mean to me.

Alison: Rosin Lee, I have not been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have. You have been ever since Dad and Melody got married. So Alison, answer my question, why have you been so mean to me?

(Alison stands there with a look of shock on her face)

Alison: I am getting the "hell" out of here Rosin Lee, and as far as I'm concerned, you can get any damn pizza you want! I'm going over to Izzey's. Bye, witch!

Deathycat says: I'd like to point out that I could write "hell" and damn, and later god damit, but I couldn't bring myself to write out the word bitch. It's actually erased with witch written over it.

(Alison walks off stage right)

Act 3

(Alison is at Izzey's door)

Izzey: Alison what are you doing here?

Alison: Rosin Lee is driving me crazey.

Izzey: Ahh, the witch. Andy wrote to me telling me all about her Al!

Alison: Yeah Izzey, She is just driving me insane. I really think she murdered Andy.

Izzey: Andy didn't like Rosin Lee very much, did she.

(Alison just stood there lost in her own thoughts.)

Izzey: Earth to Alison Drexil!

Alison: Oh! Sorry Iz, what were you saying.

Izzey: I was just wondering, just how much did you know about Andy

Alison: Enough!

Izzey: What do you mean "enough".

Alison: Well, I know that she wanted Melony dead, and that she got her wish. I know that she wanted Rosin Lee dead, and that I do too.

Sada says: Okay, so by "enough" she basically means "everything." How is it that everyone seems to be in the know EXCEPT THE POLICE?

(Izzabella just stared at Alison. Then the phone rang)

Izzyey: Hello, who is this. . . . Oh hi Rosin Lee Ali is right here.

(She covers a piece of the phone with one hand)

Izzey: Al it's for you!

(Alison sighs and takes the phone)

Alison: Yeah Rosin Lee, what do you want. . . . . .Fine. I'll be there in ten minutes.

(She hangs up the phone)

Alison: My stupid stepsister says Mother and Dinky Boy are home and they are freaking mad at me!!!

Izzey: Too bad.

Alison: Yeah, well bye Izzey

Izzey: Yeah, well bye Al.

Act 4

(Alison just steps into the house)

Rosin Lee: Dad and Melody are already in bed, and they want you in your room.

Alison: They're probably having sex.

Sada says: Gross! I did not need the mental image of Dinky Boy and Melody in the sack.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!

Rosin Lee: I just don't get you!

Alison: What is there to get?

Rosin Lee: You act as if you hate me. All the time, your so cold to me. Why do you hate me so much Alison? Why?

Alison: You want to know why Rosin Lee

Rosin Lee: Yeah, I do.

Alison: You killed my sister, Rosin Lee, the only sister I ever liked

Rosin Lee: You think I killed Andy. You think I could even think of killing Andy.

Alison: Yes I do!

(Alison goes over to her room)

Act 5

(Rosin Lee is sitting in her room)

Rosin Lee: I have a real problem here. Alison definitely hates me. I've got to do something before things get out of control.

(Alison walks in)

Alison: Bye, Rosin Lee.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!?

Rosin Lee: Where are you going?

Alison: Izzey's! Bye!

Rosine Lee: Bye.

Act 6

(Alison knocks on Izzey's front door)

Izzey: Alison, I wasn't expecting you. Come in.

Alison: Izzey, I've decided to kill Rosin Lee.

Izzey: You are?

Alison: Yes, I think it's time for her to pay for Andy's death.

(Izzey stands there and Alison leaves)

Izzey: You thought wrong.

Sada says: WHAT? Has Izzy changed her murderous ways?

Act 7

(Izzey took the shortcut to Alison's house that Alison doesn't know about)

Izzey: Oh Rosin Lee.

(Rosin Lee comes out of her room)

Rosin Lee: Alison just went over your house Izzey.

Izzey: I'm not here to see Alison, I'm here to see you.

Rosin Lee: Me! Why?

Izzey: Let me tell you a story. It all began a little over a year ago. I was having a lot of fights with Charlette and Andy was having a lot of fights with Melony, and don't forget Melody and Dan have already been divorced for a year at this time. So me and Andy came up with a little plan.

Rosin Lee: You murdered them?

Izzey: Yes we murdered them, and enjoyed it. Neither one of us ever felt guilty about it. But then I hat to move away, and while I was away Andy mardered some girl named Violet Zwick.

Rosin Lee: Are you saying that Andy killed Violet?

Sada says: I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

Izzey: Why? Did you know her?

Rosin Lee: Yeah!

Izzey: Of course.

Rosin Lee: What do you mean Izzey?

Izzy: Well in order to kill you she had to kill Violet. [Sada says: Not really, but let's go with it, people.] But when you two were on the cliff, she was about to kill you, but she fell of. Now Alison thinks you killed her, when you didn't. But I know that Andy's last wish was to have you dead.

Rosin Lee: What are you going to do?

(Izzey pulls out the knife)

Izzey: So say your prayers Rosin Lee.

(She stabs her)

Sada says: Uh, nope, guess she didn't change that much after all.

Rosin Lee: Ahhhhh. . . . .

(Alison walks in)

Izzey: I just killed Rosin Lee, like Andy would want me to.

Alison: I was soposed to do that,

(Alison grabbs the knife out of Rosin Lee's chest and stabs Izzey)

Izzey: Ahhhhhhh.

Sada says: WOW. Alison, I hereby crown you Craziest of the Crazies. And that's saying something.

Act 8

Melodie: I'm home.

Alison: God damit moms home.

(She searches for a rout to escape. then climbs out the window)

Melodie: Ahhhhh

(Alison is running to the ridge)

(Alison is at the ridge)

Alison: I really hope they don't accuse me. But my fingerprints are all over that knife and I have no aliby.

(Then the police come up and surround her)

Police man: Alison Drexil, you are accused of the Murders of Rosin Lee Detwiler and Izzabella Hazel.

Alison: But I didn't do it.

Police man: Child, we know you are the murderer, and you can't run away, we have you surrounded.

Alison: That's what you think

(She looks down at the bottom of the ridge.

Alison: Goodbye cruel world.

(she jumps off)

Sada says: Man, that ridge has seen a lot of action.

Alison: Ahhhhhhhhh. . . . .

(she hit's the bottom)

Alison: I didn't die! I didn't die! I'm alive!

Melony: No you're not Dear Sister

Alison: Melony, what are you doing here.

Charlette: She's not the only one who's here.

Andy: Yeah!

Izzey: true!

Violet: Very true.

Rosin Lee: But. . . .

Andy: You are an evil person dear sister.

Melony: Very evil.

Alison: But. . . .but. . .what did I do?

Izzey: You killed me!

Charlette: You killed my dear sister.

Rosin Lee: Its you're fault I died.

Violet: Alison it's time for you to go.

Alison: Noooo. . . . .

The End

Deathycat says: Thank God.

Sada says:
Was that purgatory? Hell? A bad acid trip? I don't know. But here's what I do know: If anyone feels compelled to get together with a friend and act this out, you must film it and send me the link to your YouTube channel IMMEDIATELY.

NEXT TIME: I get super clever by writing a FAKE diary inside a REAL diary. Is your mind blown already?