My Diary, part three

LAST TIME: Jenny (or Jen) continued to pour her heart out to her diary, Ashley, about her various fifth grade traumas: Sarah almost DIED of pneumonia, but only missed about two weeks of school. Abby lost a worrisome amount of weight, which was GREAT NEWS! That britch Gretchen broke her leg due to her extreme idiocy—and STILL managed to seduce Todd Swartz and his hair! Meanwhile, Jen's grandpa had a heart attack and the family went to Brockport to help out. How did Jen help? By being bitchy to her cousin Ellen and secretly watching her brother make out through a hole in the floor. But it turned out Ellen is a peeping Tom too, so she and Jen TOTALLY BONDED. Also, our heroine got a paint splatter sweatshirt for her birthday. Can this story get any awesomer? Let's find out.

1/26/89
Thrilling Thursday.

Dear Ashley,

I'm really mad at Gretchen. I'll never be friends with her, even if she comes and begs me to let her kiss my feet. I'd rather slit my wrists.

You guys? If we ever get in a fight, offering to make out with my feet is NOT the way to win me back. Just an FYI.

I was walking home with Sarah and Pesty Lucy and Todd was walking Gretchen home. Well I heard someone yell, "Jennnnyyy!" So, I turned around and it was Gretchen. Her and Todd started cracking up. So I turned around. Sarah said, "Ignore." So about 5 minutes later I turned around for some dumb reason. Gretchen was staring straight at me but Todd didn't notice. Then she whispered something I couldn't hear and they started kissing.

Nooooooooooo! Seriously, there was only one fifth grade couple I knew who kissed (Terrence and Tacie), and I'm sorry to say they used to MAKE OUT on the school bus.

It wasn't as gross as Tony and Janie but they hurt me.

Terrence and Tacie, on the other hand? Grosser than you can possibly imagine.

I still found the note during class and I want to know why "Chipmunk" was walking home, with her broken leg and all but there are some things we never learn.

♥
-J

Jen is SO ZEN.

1/27/89
Freaky Friday.

Well, I guess I forgot to tell you what the note said. It said:

For the visually impaired, that's:

To my little Chipmunk-

How is your leg? I am so glad I'm walking you home today. We can talk. Meet me in the park tomorrow, OK?

L♥ve, Your Bear (Grizzly)

So anyway on the outside it said: To: Gretch From: Todd

So, Sarah had to go home for a doctor's appointment so me and Abby went to the park to wait for "Grizzly" and "Chipmunk". But Gretchen never came!!! Todd was down there with his friend, Joey. They were talking about Gretchen and saying too bad she couldn't come because of her leg and then they started laughing. But we couldn't figure out anything else because they started a snowball fight. Even though there was hardly any snow!

♥
-J

That is the single most realistic thing a boy in these books has done. Strictly the snowball part, that is.

1/28/89
Sunday Supreme.

We are staying with dad for a while because mom went back down to Brockport to take care of things at Grampa's house because Aunt Sue called to say that someone broke in last night! I got Ellen's address and we are going to be pen-pals! So I am going to write Ellen a letter. Dad let me bring my typewriter since it isn't that heavy. Then I'm going to type a story and put it in here so I'll always remember it. Dad is calling me because it's time to play Scrabble. Scrabble is so, so cool. I'm really good, I swear I am. Well, bye for now.

♥
-J

And then we're treated to this lovely drawing of Gretchen, who is apparently a pockmarked, cross-eyed bobblehead with a scrunchy for a body:



Hey, what happened to Jenny's actual pen pal? I seem to have forgotten that plotline in the midst of all of the voyeurism and near-death experiences. But although Kristina Martin (as portrayed by my sister) is never heard from again, the book's folder contains this:

January 21, 1989

Dear Jenny,

My mom and dad are divorced. My dad lives in Florida. I live with my mom and my little brother Ben who is 3½. I also live with my hamster, Snuffy, and my brother's turtle, (he got today) and my brother's turtle's fish (we also got today). My brother didn't name his turtle yet. Do you have any suggestions? Do you have any pets? I have to walk home a girl, also. Her name is Gretchen. She's pesty, too. I like ice-skating, except my mom never has the time to take me.

Yes, my sister did read a lot of Lurlene McDaniels.

My bestfriend is Judy. My X-friend or X-best friend is Veronica. Last year my teacher read us or started reading "The Diary of Anne Frank". I made resolutions in my diary. Did you make resolutions in your diary? We have so much in common. Don't you think? If you don't have any pets tell me what kind of pet you like or want.

Maybe this is what spawned the "gerbil named Tails" revelation?

I'm turning 11 on June 18. I can't wait. I have to eat dinner in 13 minutes I think. Well, I'm running out of paper.

Your truly,
Kristina E. Martin

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled melodrama.

1/29/89
Merciful Monday

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen asked me to sign her cast as a joke. So, I wrote:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made Gretchen
Well, we all make mistakes

And I mean it! -Jennifer S.

I HATE U, "CHIPMUNK"

You know she's serious because she signed it "Jennifer." Also, I am plagiarizing the BSC so hard, I probably owe Ann M. Martin royalties. That is the EXACT SAME passive-aggressive rhyme that Kristy scribbled on Claud's cast in Claudia and the Bad Joke. My friends and I were moderately obsessed with it, our favorite variation being:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made boys
Well, we all make mistakes

Obviously.

So, Gretchen got really mad and tried to hit me with her crutch but Sarah stood up and said to leave me alone and Gretchen was so surprised because Sarah used to be so quiet, not shy, quiet while Abby ran and got the teacher so, Gretchen had to stay after school which serves the little brich right. Sarah said her doctor's appointment was good and that she was all better and healthy. I could tell there was more. So I called her after school to find out - Sarah got her period!

♥
-J

Did the doctor, like, induce her period or something? I don't understand. Ew.

2/1/89
That's Thursday (Today)

Dear Ashley,

Well, it's over. My parents are divorced. It doesn't seem like it's really different. But mom is back and we're staying with her again because dad is moving. So he's packing and we would be in the way. But guess where he's moving to... Maine! And we get to see him for a month each summer and he's going to come down and see us for a week during Winter Break. I was crying when I heard. I am going to miss him so, so much. You don't realize how much you love a person until they are gone... or leaving. But we get to stay with him all next week. This weekend we are going to Brockport with mom and then dad drives down and picks us up and brings us back while mom stays all week and helps. We're leaving tomorrow.

♥
-J

2/2/89
Fabulous Friday

Dear Ashley,

We are driving down to Brockport. I'm in front! I can't wait to see Ellen. Tony's so excited about seeing Janie, he's been babbling about her all day. Right now, he's saying how she wrote him a letter saying that she will show him around town. I'll write letter since mom is trying to read over my shoulder!

While driving?! That doesn't seem safe, Edith.

Well, now it's 9:30. Tony is out at a movie with Janie. I'm baby-sitting Pesty but she's asleep. We ate dinner at Aunt Sue's. That pen was running out. Ellen showed me her friends, Debbie, Michelle, and Kris (Kristin). They are nice, all of them except Michelle, who's conceited. Ellen said she was showing off and sometimes gets carried away making a good impression.

That is totally grossed-out.

But then they were talking about boys at their school and I felt left out, but I didn't say anything. Mom just got back from the hospital. 'Bye.

♥
-J

2/4/89
SUNDAY

Hi! It's Ellen again! I have nothing to say! 'Bye!

Well, so much for Ellen's page. Mom said dad just pulled up and Pesty ran out and I can hear her scream, "Daddy-Poo!" How immature! Well, we're here in the car and it's safe to write. Lucy got to sit in front with dad (she always gets her way, I swear she does) and Tony's asleep. Mom said she has a surprise for us when we come back next weekend. Maybe we are giving Lucy up for adoption!

Ha ha ha ha.

I don't want to go back to school, but I can't wait to see Sarah or Abby. I really don't want to see Gretchen. I still like Todd, but he is really sick. I mean, he is so, so gross. Tony is waking up.

Bye, Ashley.

♥
-J

And then, for whatever reason, there's a picture of a hirsute Muppetlike character. And a pencil. Of course!


2/6/89

Dear Ashley,

Valentine's Day is in 8 days. Guess what, my lucky number is 5. I swear, that is the best number. A little birdie told me so. Me and Sarah and Abby made our valentines at Abby's after school. Abby looks like her dad but her mom is stick-skinny and looks like a model. Can you believe it? I can't.

Yeah, we know you can't.

Guess what else, Sarah has a boyfriend!!! This boy in our class, Ben, asked her yesterday!!! She is in true love and it is good for Sarah because she's never been in love before. I am so, so glad Sarah got over her pneumonia.

You guys, I think it's great that Sarah conquered her fear of death and all, but what the hell? Getting pneumonia makes you assertive AND it will snag you a man?! Where can I get pneumonia???

And guess what, Abby thinks Ben is a major hunk. I think he's pretty ugly and gross, like the rest of the boys at our school, but I didn't say so because they are my best friends and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I am so, so excited about mom's surprise. Maybe Lucy is a murderer and the police are putting her in a juvenile delinquent prison.

Oh. My. God. AWESOME.

But then I think about dad moving. I mean, Maine is so far away. I'm going to miss him so, so much.

♥
-J

2/8/89

Dear Ashley,

When I grow up I'm going to have a husband and two kids, one boy, one girl. The girl will be older and her name will be Ashley, like you. The boy's name will be Todd, after my long lost love.

Yes, you read that correctly. She's going to name her child AFTER HER DIARY.

I'll be writer of children's books and they'll publish my diaries when I die so I will be remembered but not embarrassed.

I used to think that if I ever became a famous writer and someone published a posthumous volume of my letters, people would be sorely, sorely disappointed.

I guess my husband won't be Todd, since it would be dumb to have two Todds in the family. I have yet to meet my true love. Maybe someday that will come true, but for now all I can think about is Gretchen getting her cast off tomorrow. I'll die. I like her better handicapped, not that I like her at all! Abby is so, so happy! She lost 11 pounds in less than two months, a little over one!

Yeah, I'd say a trip to the pediatrician is in order.

Dad rented a movie for us tonight. It was "The Lost Boys". That's a good movie! Corey Haim is so, so cute! Dad didn't let Lucy watch it because it's rated 'R'! Too bad for the little dirtbag!

♥
-J

2/9/89

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen didn't come to school today. Me and Sarah and Abby have a club called "US". Don't you think it's us? Well, our club is completely against Gretchen. We want revenge. With a capital R.

These girls need a hobby. With a capital H.

Angela McMurphy invited me to her Valentine's Day sleepover party, but I can't go because we are going to Brockport next weekend, just like we are this weekend. Guess what, Abby bought the three of us matching Friendship bracelets for the "US" club. Dad is dropping us off at Brockport today on his way to Maine. So that will be the last time I see dad until the summer. I start crying whenever I think about it.

See, she's not 100% cold-hearted britch. Maybe just 98%.

But today mom tells us her surprise. I can't wait. I'm so, so excited! I swear, it must have something to do with Lucy. I just know it. Dad says it's time to go. His house is empty. Well, good bye, house! Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Ashley!

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The surprise is revealed and—spoiler!—it does not involve Lucy being shipped off to kiddie prison.

My Diary, part two

LAST TIME: Jenny-or-Jen was so, so excited about her new diary ("Ashley") because she wanted to be just like Anne Frank! Minus that whole Holocaust thing. Jenny-or-Jen's parents were about to finalize their divorce, but our heroine was much more upset about having to walk her "pesty" little sister home from school because OHMYGOD someone might SEE! Maybe even Todd Swartz and his cool haircut! The horror!!! Meanwhile, Jenny-or-Jen got in a fight with her friend Gretchen over her ice-rink bullying of their shy, chubby friend Abby. (I don't know why I bothered listing both adjectives, as so far the chubby girls in my stories are always shy.) Oh, and Jenny-or-Jen's besty, Sarah, got stuck in a blizzard while on vacation. I swear she did! OH THE DRAMA.

1/7/89

Dear Ashley,

Today we did nothing but clean, clean, clean! Sarah got back today and she has pnemonia! She couldn't talk on the phone. I guess her aunt feels so, so bad. I swear Sarah is so, so sick. Pnemonia is something people die of. I hope Sarah doesn't die. I know she won't though.

My knowledge of pneumonia? Pretty much nonexistent. If you couldn't tell.

Mom says she saw Gretchen walking her dog today and how is she. I said, 'BAD I hope'. Mom said what a mean thing to say about a friend. I said 'What friend?' Abby is doing OK. She called me to say she lost 1 pound already. I said great. I wonder how much she weighs. I didn't ask her. I swear that is rude. She must weigh so, so much. I only weigh 85 lb. I swear it's not that much.

I have no idea what a fifth grader should weigh—so naturally I Googled it! According to some website the average weight for an 11-year-old girl is 79.2 lbs. Although that seems pretty suspicious, I'm going to go with it just so I can say HAHA, Jen, you're 5.8 lbs overweight! SUCK IT!

1/8/89

Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not going back to school tomorrow. She is so, so lucky. I swear she is!

Lucky that she's on her veritable deathbed! Wasting away with pneumonia is totally better than school! I swear!

Abby came over. We prank called Gretchen. It was so, so funny. I guess she knew who it was 'cause she prank called back. I swear she's so, so stupid! I'm not looking forward to walking so, so pesty Lucy home tomorrow. I swear something bad will happen. I'll be so, so embarassed if anyone sees me! I went ice-skating again. Abby couldn't go because her brother had a doctor's appointment and her mom couldn't pick her up later. I think she was afraid of Gretchen. Brave old me went even though I hate skating alone. Gretchen was there, but I was lucky! She fell and hurt her ankle and couldn't skate.

Lucky break! Er, sprain?

Does anyone else reminisce about the good old days when you could make prank calls in virtual anonymity? We spent one New Year's Eve making the most hilaaaarious prank calls ever... until we got some old man on the phone who thought our friend was his son and was so excited that he'd called. I know. Way to kill our buzz, sad old man.

1/9/89

Dear Ashley,

I hate school. I hate Gretchen so, so much. I swear I hate her more than anything else. Even brocolli, brussel sprouts, and asparagus.

I maintained a unhealthy hatred for vegetables until adulthood. I'm so, so reformed now, I swear.

She saw me walking home and pointed me out to the most popular 5th grade boys. They were cracking up. I will be so, so unpopular at school tomorrow. I swear I will get even with Gretchen.

RESOLUTIONS:
11. Get even with Gretchen.
12. Get a gerbil.
13. Get to know Abby better.

I have never had a pet. I want a gerbil named Tails. I haven't told mom yet. She won't understand. I know she never had pets as a child. Dad did. He would understand. He is so, so nice. I swear to call him later. I miss dad so, so much.

1/10/88

Dear Ashley,

I WAS LUCKY TODAY! Remember when Gretchen sprained her ankle skating? Well, she broke it!!! She fell down the stairs. How stupid!

Okay, THIS one was a lucky break! (Yessss, I knew I could work that pun in somewhere!) And did I say Gretchen got bitchier in this installment? What I meant was that JEN got bitchier.

So no one said anything to me. They will after the affect wears off. I swear they will. I will be so, so unpopular. Today Mrs. Gremston, my reading teacher, gave us pen-pals from the 5th grade at Fairfax.

That's the name of MY elementary school, so I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Does Jenny-or-Jen attend another elementary school in Cleveland Heights, or was I really that hard-pressed to come up with a school name? Here's a tip, fifth-grade me: Just pick a president. Any president. You'll be golden.

I have this girl, Kristina Martin. I don't know anything about her. I will when she writes back.

The role of Kristina Martin will be played by my sister.

RESOLUTIONS:
14. Meet my pen-pal and write so, so interesting letters.

I swear I love to write. Today was a lucky day. Lucy walked ahead of me with a friend. I was so, so happy. I swear I'm gonna fall asleep. Right now.....

1/11/88

Dear Ashley,

TODAY IS ONLY WEDNESDAY. I wish it was Friday. I wish my pen-pal would write back real soon. I wish, I wish, I wish. I am trying to stop saying I

RESOLUTIONS:
15. Stop saying 'I swear' and 'so, so' so much.

Hold your applause! We don't know if she'll actually stick to it.

Abby was getting annoyed with me. I didn't mean to annoy her, but I did. She lost 3 pounds. Today was boring. I wish Sarah was here. She is still real sick. She will be back in school next week, for sure. I'll bet her aunt feels so, so really bad. I would. Sarah can't draw. I wouldn't be able to write and I would kill my aunt. I'm so, so bored.

Love,
Jenny or Jen

What's up with aunt bashing? Why don't you just prank call her and get it over with, Jenny (or Jen)?

1/14/88

Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow we are going to New York. My grandpa had a heart attack and mom went to help him. He lives in Brockport, New York.

Apparently the ailing-grandfather-in-New-York plotline wasn't boring enough the first time around, so I had to regurgitate it here.

We missed school on Friday. Dad picked us up on Thursday and took us to his house. We couldn't change our clothes because dad doesn't have a key to our house. He woke up too late to take us to school.

Things we know about Jen's dad:
1) He lives at McDonald's.
2) He can't wake up on time to take his children to school.

Sounds like quite the catch!

We are coming back on Monday. Not this Monday, next Monday. We will miss so, so much school. And I won't have to walk with Pesty Lucy. I'm so, so happy! I hope Gretchen falls down the stairs and I hope after she falls, her crutch goes up her nose, and she breaks her nose, too. I swear I hope it happens. I hate her so, so much.

I'm having a hard time imagining the logistics of this crutch-up-the-nose scenario. So she falls down the stairs WITH her crutches and then lands in such a way that the crutch breaks her nose? Call me a cynic, but that seems awfully far-fetched.

I hope Sarah gets better really soon. Sometimes I think she'll never be better. [Please note that she has been sick for precisely one week.] I really love Sarah, even though that sounds sick. [Love = totally embarrassing.] She is my best friend.

♥
-Jen

1/16/89

It's Mo-onday
It's Mo-onday
Hey, Jenny, Jenny,
and a Ha Cha Cha

This is based on some song my dad used to sing and therefore not as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe?

Dear Ashley,

I'm so, so glad I'm not in school. I'd be in Science. BLECH! I hate Science, but I hate Miss Litzco even more. A D. She gave me a D. What did I ever do to her?!?!?!? Nothin'. I did pretty good in Science. I deserved a B at least. But no, she gives me a D. And what for?!?!?!? Nothin'. Brockport is OK. We won't be here for too long anyways. Lucinda met this kid named Julie who is in half-day kindergarten, so she had a friend and Tony met Mike and Ben. I don't know anybody. I hardly even know Grandpa. I've met him twice before. Gramma is dead. My aunt Susan is always hanging around with my cousins, Ellen (10) and Beth (7). Lucy is friends with Beth, too. SNOBS!

Um, so guess who her cousin Ellen is? Ellen Irving, who went all don't-you-talk-about-my-momma on the first day of school. That's right. You thought this wasn't a Friendship book, but I TOTALLY FOOLED YOU! Especially since I called Friendship "Brockport."

1/18/89
Wednesday.

Dear Ashley,

Today Aunt Sue came over with the Snob Force, Ellen and Beth. Lucy and Beth and Julie ran off, giggling. Aunt Sue tried to get me to play with Ellen. BLECH! I will never play with part of the Snob Force. So, may the Force be with you, Ellen. The Snob Force, that is!

Nothing like an awkward Star Wars reference.

Tony has a girlfriend. Her name is Janie. She is so, so skinny. I think she's anorexic. I heard Ellen mutter "Toothpick Jane" under her breath. She should be talking, the skin and bones. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either.

I'm thinking Jen is about two years away from an eating disorder.

I saw Tony and Janie making out. It was gross! They were just like teens in movies. I think that's where they learned it. Anyways, he just met her on Monday. How sick! Tony usually likes girls for their looks and their body. It isn't Janie's body. She's so flat she makes the walls jealous!

No one is spared from the wrath of Jenny-or-Jen. Especially not Toothpick Jane, slutty anorexic and Itty Bitty Titty Committee president.

♥
-Jen

1/20/89

T.G.I.F.
Thank Goodness It's Friday

Aunt Sue was over again. She talked mom into making me play with Ellen! She kept following me around. When I finally thought I'd lost her, I went and spyed on Tony and Janie. They were making out in the basement and I was spying at them through the hole in the floor that Lucy found.

Okay, dirty perv. Can't you just watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High on TBS or something?

I didn't know Ellen was behind me. I stepped back and she looked in. She looked back at me and widened her eyes. I was blushing. I was so embarassed. I hoped she wouldn't tell Aunt Sue. Then Ellen put her face right up to the hole and- ....made kissing noises! I couldn't believe it!!! Part of the Snob Force? It couldn't be! Maybe Ellen wasn't so bad. Well, Tony and Janie ran upstairs. They had turned red. Tony blamed it all on me! But Ellen stood up and said it had been her. Ellen isn't in the Snob Force!

♥
-J

Oh NO, Jen has found a partner in obnoxious crime.

1/21/89
SATURDAY ♥

Hi! I'm Ellen. I can't believe you called me and Beth the Snob Force! I'm glad everything is okay between us, now. Anyways, Beth is a Snob. How about we say that Lucy, Beth, & Julie are the Snob Force. Tony and Janie can be the Make Out Team. Okay? Well, thanx for trusting me with your diary. It's really neat. I'm going to buy one. I'm going to miss you so, so (HA!) much. I swear (HA!) I will. Anyways, I'll be 11 on March 8. So you will always know when to send me a birthday present. Don't worry, I'll send u one, too! Well, I'm running out of room so, BYE!

ELLEN

I totally want to be on the Make Out Team. Or start a band called the Make Out Team. Or both.

1/21/89
Saturday.

Dear Ashley,

Well, I let Ellen see you. As you can see, she thinks you are so, so cool. Just like me! Ellen is my second best friend. Sarah is first and Abby is third.

Poor Abby. The fat girl's position was usurped in under 48 hours.

So far I haven't been able to show you to Sarah. You know, how she's been sick and all. I still haven't seen Twins yet. Ellen did and she said it was OK, but it wasn't really that good. I miss Sarah so, so much. We are going home tomorrow so, then I'll miss Ellen. Life isn't fair. I wonder what will happen with Tony and Janie. They went to Janie's and I know what they were doing, too.

Go Team Make Out!

How sick!!! Well, 'bye!

Love,
Jenny or Jen

1/22/89
Super Sunday

We are driving home. Tony is up front with mom. I have to sit next to so, so Pesty Lucy. But Thank God Almighty she is fast asleep. I swear, she snores like a motorcycle!

My grandfather snores like a motorcycle (literally—once we heard him snoring from UPSTAIRS and thought there was a chopper outside), but I don't see how a seven-year-old girl could have developed this malady.

Well, tomorrow I have school. BLECH!!! I hope Sarah is back, I hope Abby is skinny, I hope Gretchen is dead [WOW], and I hope Ellen moves down here. I'm getting my hopes up too high. Well, I'm going to go ice-skating soon before I forget how. OH NO! I just remembered that I have to walk home with Pesty Lucy, who's waking up!!! 'BYE! Now it's about 10:30. If I don't stop writing and go to sleep, I'll never get up tomorrow. I went to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Abby. It was good! Sarah's mom said I can come over after school tomorrow because Sarah is getting better! I can't wait!!!

♥
-Jen

1/23/89

Hi Ashley!

I'm Sarah. We are getting me a tutor if I get sicker. I'm supposed to come back on Wednesday (To School). Well, I'm glad Jenny likes you since I bought you for her. I think Ellen is nice and Jenny shouldn't of judged her like that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jenny, the numbskull. Well, I'm letting Jenny take over.

'Bye L♥ve,
Sarah

P.S. Sorry about Todd.
P.S.S. I hate Gretchen, too!

And because Sarah is such an artiste, we have this:


Yes, that's the wife of Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Don't believe me?


Because spouses look alike? And have variations on the same name??

1/23/89
Maniac Monday

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Jennnyyy!
Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Ashley,

Today was mainly a good day, but there was one bad thing. Well, I had forgotten it was my birthday until about 11:00 last night. I thought everybody else had too. But when I woke up I was so, so surprised. They were all in my room with presents. Mom had bought me a paint-splatter sweat shirt [Radical!] and... a typewriter with fancy typing paper! Tony bought me a pack of colored pencils and a kitten poster.


Lucy bought me a shell necklace and gave me a picture she made in school. Sometimes she isn't Pesty Lucy, Snob Force member. The bad thing was at school. It had to do with Todd and Gretchen. Yes, on Tuesday Todd asked Gretchen to go with him. I'm heartbroken. As soon as I got to Sarah's I burst out crying, but Sarah was her usual nice self. She comforted me and calmed me down. I guess that's why he was so nice to us. Well, I wonder if they make out like Tony and Janie!

Dear GOD, let's hope not.

You can tell their in love because they make goo-goo eyes at each other during class and he carries her books everywhere for her and they sit together at lunch.

As you can see, my male characters are getting SO much more realistic.

I think Gretchen just wants to make me jealous. But I know Todd likes her and not me, but why did I have to found out on my birthday, of all days? But Abby was nice too. She remembered my birthday and bought me some earrings. They are really pretty, shells to match my necklace. And then there was Sarah's gift. It was a Best Friends necklace, where there's one best and one friends. I got friends. The heart is broken and really fits together.


♥
-J

1/25/89
Wonderful Wednesday

Dear Ashley,

Sarah came back to school today. The teacher, Mrs. Enite, let us put our desks together so I can help Sarah. Like she needs help! She's so independent now. She does everything for herself! Talk about a drastic change.

Apparently pneumonia is really empowering. Either that or getting stranded in a restaurant during a blizzard. One of the two, definitely.

And Abby is in a really good mood because she lost 7 pounds and she didn't even mind eating her rabbit food.

1) I'm definitely ripping off someone with "rabbit food," I just don't know who. (Anyone?)
2) Abby lost 7 lbs in under a month?! I don't know how much she weighs (I'm not rude either, I swear I'm not!), but that sounds mighty unhealthy.

Sarah isn't going to get sick again, she's really healthy.

Ummm, okay...?

I've got to do something about Gretchen. She and Todd were feeding each other at lunch! It was so sick!

Didn't all the fifth grade couples you knew feed each other? I mean for the, like, three days that they "went together"? Come on!

Gretchen kept glancing over at me and smirking with this really smug expression look on her face. What a britch!

I'm sorry, remember when I said Gretchen got bitchier this go-round? Yeah, well, I meant BRITCHIER. Obviously.

But dad came over and gave me my present. It was a light blue cassette player radio! I'm so excited. It's really cool. But mom just yelled that Sarah's on the phone. 'Bye.

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The britchiness don't stop. Plus, a love note reveals some vomtastic pet names!

We Can Live Without Boys... Can't We?, part 5

LAST TIME: The club realized they could NOT live without boys after all. Meanwhile, Kelly and Brian's passionate fourth grade love affair made Maggie barf. Or maybe it was the 24-hour flu. Maggie couldn't take all the unfairness, and did what any self-respecting self-pitying 10-year-old would do: run away. She let Sherry tag along, and they ended up climbing inside of a tree—and into the club's secret underground hideout. Which Sam had rigged up with heat, plumbing, and a phone line. Because she loves electronics! One doughnut dinner and super-secret underground sleepover and later, Kelly called Brian—only to get some shocking news that made her burst into tears.

"What happened to Brian?" Sam questioned.
"I can't talk about it."
"Come on, Kelly." I urged.
"No." she sobbed.
"KELLY." shouted Sherry.
"HE BROKE HIS LEG." screamed Kelly.

As you can see, the PlotMaker3000 had once again selected BROKEN LIMB. How many of you guessed that?

"Oh god." muttered Sam.
"Kelly," I said. "Sit down. He'll be ok."
"No he won't. He'll be surrounded by young, pretty, nurses. He'll marry one and be real happy and I'll be left out in the cold and and and..." Kelly burst into tears.

Okay, this is quite possibly more ludicrous than the underground clubhouse. He is 10! Unless his nurse is Mary Kay Letourneau, I'd say you're safe, Kelly.

"Go visit him. He'll be glad to see you. Real glad." Sherry suggested as she walked out of the bedroom.
"And bring him flowers or candy." Sam added.
"And a card. Everyone loves cards." I told her.

Just don't forget the flowers! 10-year-old boys love nothing more than a tasteful bouquet.

"No dice. You have to be twelve; we're ten." Kelly said sadly. Tears stained her cheeks. I needed to help her. It only took a split-second for my brain to start working.

My grandmother was hospitalized around this time, and I think her hospital had a no-kids-under-12 age stipulation. Or else I made that crap up.

"I've got it." I shouted, making Sherry jump. "He's in the children's ward, right?"
Kelly nodded.
"And we're children, right?"
She nodded again.
"Well, children should be allowed in the children's ward, right? Shouldn't they?"
"Yea. IF they're hurt, WHICH I'M NOT." she yelled at me.

Way to get that brain working! But seriously, how long is he going to be there? It's a broken leg, for fuck's sake! He'll be home in a few hours.

"You could give him something when he gets home." Sam said.
"You could call him" said Sherry.
"Maybe." Kelly said doubtfully. "Look I gotta go home. My stepmom's gonna start looking for me if I'm not home soon. 'Bye."
"Don't we live here?" I asked Sam.
"Nah." she said, shaking her head. "Just me but, I live in the house up there."
"Can I move in?" I asked.
Sam sat down. "Let me think." she said.

I went to fix up my bed. I pulled my red teddy bear blanket over the bed. I stuck the pillow up at the top of the bed. I set my red teddy bear at the end of the bed. I taped a Michael J. Fox poster over the bed. I tossed a book onto it too.

Apparently Sam has dibs on all the Kirk-related paraphernalia. But I love that Maggie packed a Michael J. Fox poster in her suitcase of runaway essentials. I guess all you really need is Halloween candy, an extra pair of shoes, and a Michael J. Fox poster.

Kelly asked me to put up her George Michael poster, which I did without complaining. Poor Kelly. She really loves Brian. More than I do, I thought. A lot more.

There was one dresser in the bedroom. One dresser with 4 drawers. Everyone got a drawer.

Thanks for that useless bit of info.

Sam was still thinking when I finished. I decided to do something else.
I decided to write a letter to my favorite cousin, Corey.

Ooooh, yes! We have so much to discuss: the club, Hookoween, the Brian/Kelly drama, and of course the secret underground lair! This is going to be quite a letter.

It said:

March 19, 1988

This must be the date I was actually writing the story, because I think we can all agree that it is November in Can't-Live-Without-Boys Land.

Dear Corey,
How is everything in New York? It's ok here in Ohio. I can't wait for the snow even though I know you can't stand it. I can. I love sledding, snow ball fights, and snow men. Even though we don't have much in common, you are still my favorite Cousin.
Gotta go. Tell you more when I can.

Love,
Maggie Kertz

P.S. See you at Thanksgiving. Write back soon.

...Or we could just write about the weather. Riveting, Maggie. I'm sure Corey is going to get RIGHT back to you about those snowmen.

"Sam," I asked her, "Do you know yet?"
"You can stay until Sunday night, ok?" Sam answered.
"Thanks." I smiled. "Are you going to?"
Sam shook her head. "Gotta go to a dinner party with my folks. Means a lot to 'em, ya know?" I nodded. "Do me a favor and call Kelly. See what she's doin', will ya?"
"Sure. I was going to anyway." I lied.
"Thanks."
"Your welcome."
"'Bye."
"'Bye." I called as Sam left.

Let's see about that Kelly. I'll call. I will. Right now I think. Will it disturb her? Will she be mad? No, I'll call her. I said I would and I will.
"Hello. Is Kelly there." I asked.
"Nope. No way, I mean, 'No she isn't.' She'll be back in an hour. Can I take a message." Obviously Liza, her older sister.
"Yeah. Tell her Maggie called. Do you know where she went?"
"Dud. I mean, 'No I don't but, I'll tell her you called.'"
"Ok. 'Bye." I said in an annoyed tone.
"Chow." said Liza as if she wasn't really sure.
"'Bye." I said again.

I stayed until Sunday. I even made dinner and breakfast all by myself. Sam helped me with lunch. I went home before dinner on Sunday.

Sam was working on putting a T.V. in the clubhouse. Or hide-out. Well whatever it is.

I didn't know what to call it even then! Also, Kelly was totally watching cartoons earlier. I definitely started getting sloppy toward the end here.

On Monday, everybody was talking about the new girl in Mr. Clark's room. Angela. Angie Brett. Angie.

I had already used my "secret hideout" plot device and my "broken limb" plot device, so what else was there... something that could really get the story moving again... Oh yes! Another new student!

"What about her?" I asked Sam inquisitively.
"Oh," gasped Sam, "She looks like a full-grown woman."
My eyes grew larger and I could tell Sherry's did to. "Maybe she thought we were having Halloween today." Sherry suggested anxiously.
"No," Sam shook her head. "The weird thing is that she's real short."
"Shorter than Tiffanie?" I asked. Tiffanie is the shortest girl in our class. She's also the shortest girl in the 4th grade.
Sam nodded. "much."
"Daaaag." Sherry was amazed. She must be 3 ft. tall, I thought. I was close. Angie was 3'5".

Sam was right. She looked like a miniature adult. Her dirty blond hair was slicked back into a bun. Her lips looked like they were painted on. They pressed together tightly as if she were mad but she wasn't. Her gray eyes stared blankly at the chalkboard. Her arms were crossed and she looked serious and business-like.

I cannot wrap my head around how a 3'5" 10-year-old could look remotely like an adult. Even if "looks like an adult" is, like, code for "already has boobs," she's 3-foot-freakin'-5!

She was in our Language Arts class-and Math too. Angie didn't talk. She squeaked and squealed.

How adult!

"In the sentence, 'My wife and I miss the lovely mountains.', why didn't you use 'me' instead of 'I'? Angela?" said Mrs. Melnick.
"It wouldn't sound right if you said, 'Me miss the lovely mountains.'"squeaked Angie.
"Correct. What does sound right? Chris."
"I want to kiss Angie." Chris said dreamily. The class cracked up. Angie and Chris turned crimson.

"Do you believe that Chris?" Sam asked us. We had just started eating lunch when she bounded in, all smiles."

"At least Brian isn't falling head-over-heels like the rest of them." Kelly pointed to the boys' group. We called them 'The Bra Snappers' behind their backs!

Because soooo many fourth graders wear bras.

"He can't." Brian was at home. He'd be back tomorrow. Well he was supposed to be. He was still getting over the broken leg. Kelly went to see him. She gave Brian a dozen roses. Now those 2 are really in love.

If you were a 10-year-old boy, how embarrassed would you be to get a dozen roses? Wouldn't you prefer, say, a Transformer? Male readers, feel free to weigh in.

"Hi guys." Angie squealed. "I don't think we've met. I'm-"
"Angie. We know. I'm Sam."
"I'm Sherry." she said with a toss of her head. [The hell?]
"I'm Maggie." I said easily. Usually I'm nervous around new kids. Sam was an exception. I could tell Angie was too. She was so cheerful it was easy to feel comfortable around her.

I started considering having Angie join the club. I'd tell the others after school.

"Hi. My name's Kelly. Half the boys in school are crazy about you. You should watch out for her." Kelly gave a quick nod in Emmy's direction. We all nodded.
"She's trouble." Sherry added.
"Gotcha." said Angie, barely squeaking. Then she winked.

...And then I started to second-guess my "new character" plan.

Angie never did get into the club, though. She became a second Jenni. They worked night and day at Jenni's place, delivering gossip. Since Angie lived next door it was easy.

Summer vacation was approaching quickly.

I had finally come to terms with the fact that I was out of ideas. Plus, my own fourth grade school year was at an end. That meant I had to wrap this story up STAT!

Sam, Sherry, and I wanted to get asked to the end-of-the-year dance. It was being held at Brian's even though he couldn't dance. He was taking Kelly, naturally.

Yeah, Brian's leg has been in a cast for about seven months. What of it? It was a reeeeally bad break.

Angie got asked the next day. Chris. We never forgot that English lesson. She said yes.

After that, Sherry was asked. Mark Kramer. He walked up at lunch, so the rest of the club had the pleasure of watching.
"You wanna come to Bri's party with me, Sherry?"
"Sure, Mark." That was settled.

Sam went with- you know who- JAMES. He called her the same day Sherry was asked. Sam said yes. She took her time, making him survive, struggling, through 10 minutes of decision. Sam likes to give pain.

Pain + electronics = Sam's domain. Oh, and Kirk Cameron posters.

I almost went without a date. At the last minute I got a phone call. IT WAS TIMMY. Wait a second. No, it wasn't. It was Drake.

That's how interchangeable they are in this story.

"Maggie, you wanna come to the party with me?"
"Of course I would." I shrieked.

Way to play it cool.

Drake, Mark, James, and, yes, even Brian were pretty good dancers.

The year ended nicely, with the 8 of us lined up for a quadroople date.

That night I got my first kiss. The other 3 girls got theirs too.

I like how the smooching is glossed right over, since I had no idea what kissing a boy would be like in actuality.

It was a night we'd never forget. It'd been one heck of a year. We were all looking forward to an equally exciting summer.

THE END

Do you get the feeling I was setting things up for a sequel? Yeah, that's because I totally was! Though extremely short-lived, it's fantastically titled A Summer of Swimming, Fun, and Boys. Swimming? Fun? AND boys? Sounds like a recipe for awesome to me!

NEXT TIME: Some journal entries reflecting back on my literary career. Oh yes.