Anatomically Incorrect

As an elementary schooler, I loved to draw. Girls. I loved to draw girls. My magic markers and I had a pretty rigid "no boys allowed" policy. There were several reasons for this:

1. Boys. Grody. (Okay, okay, so hating boys was just a front. Really I loooooooved the boys, but sometimes a girl has to save face in front of her USA co-Crushers.)
2. Because I was so accustomed to drawing girls, on the rare occasion that I did try to conjure the male form, dude usually ended up looking like a lady.
3. Even when I managed to sketch a passably boyish boy, he'd end up looking like this:

Bo-bo?! On top of drawing them, it seems I had a problem naming boys too.

Bo-bo here—I don't even want to hazard a guess as to how that's short for Timothy, lest my gray matter implode—may be wearing super-cool sneaks and a mildly obscene sweater (don't try to tell me that dog isn't exposing itself to me!), but you guys? Where is his crotch? WHERE IS BO-BO'S CROTCH? Wherever it is, I hope his forehead is there too. If there's an opposite of the Tyra Banks fivehead, then our pal Bo-bo has it:

One-and-a-half-head?

And on top of that (literally), I gave him a Three Stooges haircut. I was not doing Bo-bo any favors.

But this was not an isolated incident. Take a look at some more boy wreckage:

No, that's not a fat suit.

Yes, I know it looks like one.

Jimmy Ray is all, "Bo-bo? I see your vacant stare and hillbilly moniker, and I MOTHERFUCKING RAISE YOU." Also, I submit that the only way Jimmy Ray could be more froglike is if he changed his name to friggin' Kermit—and come to think of it, that might be an improvement.

"But," you say, "maybe we should take the boy out of the sweatpants [ew!] and find out what a cool guy would look like." Well, you asked for it.

The face of cool. No, that's not lipstick.

Shut up! He's just a pretty boy.

I mean, the only thing that could make him cooler is a half-shirt.

Brief aside: My sister & I used to coerce our mother into making us paper dolls drawn to our precise specifications, and one of them was a "hot boy" named Chris (because Chris was my go-to cool boy name circa 1988) who's wearing a motherloving half shirt. Think I'm joking?

Dude. I don't joke about half-shirts. Well, not this time, anyway.

But back to A. Tanner. Once again we have a boy with lifeless Orphan Annie eyes. Once again he has a bizarrely shortened midsection that makes me question his ability to digest food sans medical intervention. And once again his name is printed with an enormous lack of subtlety across his clothing (though I think that's justified in Jimmy Ray's case—he looks like the type who'd forget his own name). So just what makes A. Tanner one-and-a-half-head and shoulders above the rest? Two things (and no, his stylish baby blue smock isn't one of them):

1. The hair. Behold the magnificently spiky hair!
2. The earring, a sparkling beacon of awesome in a sea of otherwise humdrum earlobes.

Yes, men with solo earrings were so widespread in 1986 that I felt comfortable co-opting this look for a third grader. But! There were very strict guidelines for male ear piercing in the '80s. The golden rule was this: If the earring was in the left ear, the guy was straight; if it was in the right ear, he was gay, gay, a thousand times gay! Because in the '80s sexual preference had to do with which earlobe a dude punctured, not which gender he wanted to put his penis in. And God for-freaking-bid someone might think you wanted to make out with another dude.

So, because Aaron Tanner was the cutest, most heterosexualest boy in town he had his earring in the... oh, FUDGE.

The right—and simultaneously, wrong—earlobe.

But hey, this wasn't exactly a science. Right, George Michael?

Earring in the left ear = STRAIGHT?!

[Image found here.]

I rest my case. Anyone care to Google Chad Allen's earlobes?

NEXT TIME: If pencils could talk... apparently they'd be quite cynical.

My Diary, part two

LAST TIME: Jenny-or-Jen was so, so excited about her new diary ("Ashley") because she wanted to be just like Anne Frank! Minus that whole Holocaust thing. Jenny-or-Jen's parents were about to finalize their divorce, but our heroine was much more upset about having to walk her "pesty" little sister home from school because OHMYGOD someone might SEE! Maybe even Todd Swartz and his cool haircut! The horror!!! Meanwhile, Jenny-or-Jen got in a fight with her friend Gretchen over her ice-rink bullying of their shy, chubby friend Abby. (I don't know why I bothered listing both adjectives, as so far the chubby girls in my stories are always shy.) Oh, and Jenny-or-Jen's besty, Sarah, got stuck in a blizzard while on vacation. I swear she did! OH THE DRAMA.

1/7/89

Dear Ashley,

Today we did nothing but clean, clean, clean! Sarah got back today and she has pnemonia! She couldn't talk on the phone. I guess her aunt feels so, so bad. I swear Sarah is so, so sick. Pnemonia is something people die of. I hope Sarah doesn't die. I know she won't though.

My knowledge of pneumonia? Pretty much nonexistent. If you couldn't tell.

Mom says she saw Gretchen walking her dog today and how is she. I said, 'BAD I hope'. Mom said what a mean thing to say about a friend. I said 'What friend?' Abby is doing OK. She called me to say she lost 1 pound already. I said great. I wonder how much she weighs. I didn't ask her. I swear that is rude. She must weigh so, so much. I only weigh 85 lb. I swear it's not that much.

I have no idea what a fifth grader should weigh—so naturally I Googled it! According to some website the average weight for an 11-year-old girl is 79.2 lbs. Although that seems pretty suspicious, I'm going to go with it just so I can say HAHA, Jen, you're 5.8 lbs overweight! SUCK IT!

1/8/89

Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not going back to school tomorrow. She is so, so lucky. I swear she is!

Lucky that she's on her veritable deathbed! Wasting away with pneumonia is totally better than school! I swear!

Abby came over. We prank called Gretchen. It was so, so funny. I guess she knew who it was 'cause she prank called back. I swear she's so, so stupid! I'm not looking forward to walking so, so pesty Lucy home tomorrow. I swear something bad will happen. I'll be so, so embarassed if anyone sees me! I went ice-skating again. Abby couldn't go because her brother had a doctor's appointment and her mom couldn't pick her up later. I think she was afraid of Gretchen. Brave old me went even though I hate skating alone. Gretchen was there, but I was lucky! She fell and hurt her ankle and couldn't skate.

Lucky break! Er, sprain?

Does anyone else reminisce about the good old days when you could make prank calls in virtual anonymity? We spent one New Year's Eve making the most hilaaaarious prank calls ever... until we got some old man on the phone who thought our friend was his son and was so excited that he'd called. I know. Way to kill our buzz, sad old man.

1/9/89

Dear Ashley,

I hate school. I hate Gretchen so, so much. I swear I hate her more than anything else. Even brocolli, brussel sprouts, and asparagus.

I maintained a unhealthy hatred for vegetables until adulthood. I'm so, so reformed now, I swear.

She saw me walking home and pointed me out to the most popular 5th grade boys. They were cracking up. I will be so, so unpopular at school tomorrow. I swear I will get even with Gretchen.

RESOLUTIONS:
11. Get even with Gretchen.
12. Get a gerbil.
13. Get to know Abby better.

I have never had a pet. I want a gerbil named Tails. I haven't told mom yet. She won't understand. I know she never had pets as a child. Dad did. He would understand. He is so, so nice. I swear to call him later. I miss dad so, so much.

1/10/88

Dear Ashley,

I WAS LUCKY TODAY! Remember when Gretchen sprained her ankle skating? Well, she broke it!!! She fell down the stairs. How stupid!

Okay, THIS one was a lucky break! (Yessss, I knew I could work that pun in somewhere!) And did I say Gretchen got bitchier in this installment? What I meant was that JEN got bitchier.

So no one said anything to me. They will after the affect wears off. I swear they will. I will be so, so unpopular. Today Mrs. Gremston, my reading teacher, gave us pen-pals from the 5th grade at Fairfax.

That's the name of MY elementary school, so I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Does Jenny-or-Jen attend another elementary school in Cleveland Heights, or was I really that hard-pressed to come up with a school name? Here's a tip, fifth-grade me: Just pick a president. Any president. You'll be golden.

I have this girl, Kristina Martin. I don't know anything about her. I will when she writes back.

The role of Kristina Martin will be played by my sister.

RESOLUTIONS:
14. Meet my pen-pal and write so, so interesting letters.

I swear I love to write. Today was a lucky day. Lucy walked ahead of me with a friend. I was so, so happy. I swear I'm gonna fall asleep. Right now.....

1/11/88

Dear Ashley,

TODAY IS ONLY WEDNESDAY. I wish it was Friday. I wish my pen-pal would write back real soon. I wish, I wish, I wish. I am trying to stop saying I

RESOLUTIONS:
15. Stop saying 'I swear' and 'so, so' so much.

Hold your applause! We don't know if she'll actually stick to it.

Abby was getting annoyed with me. I didn't mean to annoy her, but I did. She lost 3 pounds. Today was boring. I wish Sarah was here. She is still real sick. She will be back in school next week, for sure. I'll bet her aunt feels so, so really bad. I would. Sarah can't draw. I wouldn't be able to write and I would kill my aunt. I'm so, so bored.

Love,
Jenny or Jen

What's up with aunt bashing? Why don't you just prank call her and get it over with, Jenny (or Jen)?

1/14/88

Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow we are going to New York. My grandpa had a heart attack and mom went to help him. He lives in Brockport, New York.

Apparently the ailing-grandfather-in-New-York plotline wasn't boring enough the first time around, so I had to regurgitate it here.

We missed school on Friday. Dad picked us up on Thursday and took us to his house. We couldn't change our clothes because dad doesn't have a key to our house. He woke up too late to take us to school.

Things we know about Jen's dad:
1) He lives at McDonald's.
2) He can't wake up on time to take his children to school.

Sounds like quite the catch!

We are coming back on Monday. Not this Monday, next Monday. We will miss so, so much school. And I won't have to walk with Pesty Lucy. I'm so, so happy! I hope Gretchen falls down the stairs and I hope after she falls, her crutch goes up her nose, and she breaks her nose, too. I swear I hope it happens. I hate her so, so much.

I'm having a hard time imagining the logistics of this crutch-up-the-nose scenario. So she falls down the stairs WITH her crutches and then lands in such a way that the crutch breaks her nose? Call me a cynic, but that seems awfully far-fetched.

I hope Sarah gets better really soon. Sometimes I think she'll never be better. [Please note that she has been sick for precisely one week.] I really love Sarah, even though that sounds sick. [Love = totally embarrassing.] She is my best friend.

♥
-Jen

1/16/89

It's Mo-onday
It's Mo-onday
Hey, Jenny, Jenny,
and a Ha Cha Cha

This is based on some song my dad used to sing and therefore not as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe?

Dear Ashley,

I'm so, so glad I'm not in school. I'd be in Science. BLECH! I hate Science, but I hate Miss Litzco even more. A D. She gave me a D. What did I ever do to her?!?!?!? Nothin'. I did pretty good in Science. I deserved a B at least. But no, she gives me a D. And what for?!?!?!? Nothin'. Brockport is OK. We won't be here for too long anyways. Lucinda met this kid named Julie who is in half-day kindergarten, so she had a friend and Tony met Mike and Ben. I don't know anybody. I hardly even know Grandpa. I've met him twice before. Gramma is dead. My aunt Susan is always hanging around with my cousins, Ellen (10) and Beth (7). Lucy is friends with Beth, too. SNOBS!

Um, so guess who her cousin Ellen is? Ellen Irving, who went all don't-you-talk-about-my-momma on the first day of school. That's right. You thought this wasn't a Friendship book, but I TOTALLY FOOLED YOU! Especially since I called Friendship "Brockport."

1/18/89
Wednesday.

Dear Ashley,

Today Aunt Sue came over with the Snob Force, Ellen and Beth. Lucy and Beth and Julie ran off, giggling. Aunt Sue tried to get me to play with Ellen. BLECH! I will never play with part of the Snob Force. So, may the Force be with you, Ellen. The Snob Force, that is!

Nothing like an awkward Star Wars reference.

Tony has a girlfriend. Her name is Janie. She is so, so skinny. I think she's anorexic. I heard Ellen mutter "Toothpick Jane" under her breath. She should be talking, the skin and bones. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either.

I'm thinking Jen is about two years away from an eating disorder.

I saw Tony and Janie making out. It was gross! They were just like teens in movies. I think that's where they learned it. Anyways, he just met her on Monday. How sick! Tony usually likes girls for their looks and their body. It isn't Janie's body. She's so flat she makes the walls jealous!

No one is spared from the wrath of Jenny-or-Jen. Especially not Toothpick Jane, slutty anorexic and Itty Bitty Titty Committee president.

♥
-Jen

1/20/89

T.G.I.F.
Thank Goodness It's Friday

Aunt Sue was over again. She talked mom into making me play with Ellen! She kept following me around. When I finally thought I'd lost her, I went and spyed on Tony and Janie. They were making out in the basement and I was spying at them through the hole in the floor that Lucy found.

Okay, dirty perv. Can't you just watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High on TBS or something?

I didn't know Ellen was behind me. I stepped back and she looked in. She looked back at me and widened her eyes. I was blushing. I was so embarassed. I hoped she wouldn't tell Aunt Sue. Then Ellen put her face right up to the hole and- ....made kissing noises! I couldn't believe it!!! Part of the Snob Force? It couldn't be! Maybe Ellen wasn't so bad. Well, Tony and Janie ran upstairs. They had turned red. Tony blamed it all on me! But Ellen stood up and said it had been her. Ellen isn't in the Snob Force!

♥
-J

Oh NO, Jen has found a partner in obnoxious crime.

1/21/89
SATURDAY ♥

Hi! I'm Ellen. I can't believe you called me and Beth the Snob Force! I'm glad everything is okay between us, now. Anyways, Beth is a Snob. How about we say that Lucy, Beth, & Julie are the Snob Force. Tony and Janie can be the Make Out Team. Okay? Well, thanx for trusting me with your diary. It's really neat. I'm going to buy one. I'm going to miss you so, so (HA!) much. I swear (HA!) I will. Anyways, I'll be 11 on March 8. So you will always know when to send me a birthday present. Don't worry, I'll send u one, too! Well, I'm running out of room so, BYE!

ELLEN

I totally want to be on the Make Out Team. Or start a band called the Make Out Team. Or both.

1/21/89
Saturday.

Dear Ashley,

Well, I let Ellen see you. As you can see, she thinks you are so, so cool. Just like me! Ellen is my second best friend. Sarah is first and Abby is third.

Poor Abby. The fat girl's position was usurped in under 48 hours.

So far I haven't been able to show you to Sarah. You know, how she's been sick and all. I still haven't seen Twins yet. Ellen did and she said it was OK, but it wasn't really that good. I miss Sarah so, so much. We are going home tomorrow so, then I'll miss Ellen. Life isn't fair. I wonder what will happen with Tony and Janie. They went to Janie's and I know what they were doing, too.

Go Team Make Out!

How sick!!! Well, 'bye!

Love,
Jenny or Jen

1/22/89
Super Sunday

We are driving home. Tony is up front with mom. I have to sit next to so, so Pesty Lucy. But Thank God Almighty she is fast asleep. I swear, she snores like a motorcycle!

My grandfather snores like a motorcycle (literally—once we heard him snoring from UPSTAIRS and thought there was a chopper outside), but I don't see how a seven-year-old girl could have developed this malady.

Well, tomorrow I have school. BLECH!!! I hope Sarah is back, I hope Abby is skinny, I hope Gretchen is dead [WOW], and I hope Ellen moves down here. I'm getting my hopes up too high. Well, I'm going to go ice-skating soon before I forget how. OH NO! I just remembered that I have to walk home with Pesty Lucy, who's waking up!!! 'BYE! Now it's about 10:30. If I don't stop writing and go to sleep, I'll never get up tomorrow. I went to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Abby. It was good! Sarah's mom said I can come over after school tomorrow because Sarah is getting better! I can't wait!!!

♥
-Jen

1/23/89

Hi Ashley!

I'm Sarah. We are getting me a tutor if I get sicker. I'm supposed to come back on Wednesday (To School). Well, I'm glad Jenny likes you since I bought you for her. I think Ellen is nice and Jenny shouldn't of judged her like that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jenny, the numbskull. Well, I'm letting Jenny take over.

'Bye L♥ve,
Sarah

P.S. Sorry about Todd.
P.S.S. I hate Gretchen, too!

And because Sarah is such an artiste, we have this:


Yes, that's the wife of Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Don't believe me?


Because spouses look alike? And have variations on the same name??

1/23/89
Maniac Monday

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Jennnyyy!
Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Ashley,

Today was mainly a good day, but there was one bad thing. Well, I had forgotten it was my birthday until about 11:00 last night. I thought everybody else had too. But when I woke up I was so, so surprised. They were all in my room with presents. Mom had bought me a paint-splatter sweat shirt [Radical!] and... a typewriter with fancy typing paper! Tony bought me a pack of colored pencils and a kitten poster.


Lucy bought me a shell necklace and gave me a picture she made in school. Sometimes she isn't Pesty Lucy, Snob Force member. The bad thing was at school. It had to do with Todd and Gretchen. Yes, on Tuesday Todd asked Gretchen to go with him. I'm heartbroken. As soon as I got to Sarah's I burst out crying, but Sarah was her usual nice self. She comforted me and calmed me down. I guess that's why he was so nice to us. Well, I wonder if they make out like Tony and Janie!

Dear GOD, let's hope not.

You can tell their in love because they make goo-goo eyes at each other during class and he carries her books everywhere for her and they sit together at lunch.

As you can see, my male characters are getting SO much more realistic.

I think Gretchen just wants to make me jealous. But I know Todd likes her and not me, but why did I have to found out on my birthday, of all days? But Abby was nice too. She remembered my birthday and bought me some earrings. They are really pretty, shells to match my necklace. And then there was Sarah's gift. It was a Best Friends necklace, where there's one best and one friends. I got friends. The heart is broken and really fits together.


♥
-J

1/25/89
Wonderful Wednesday

Dear Ashley,

Sarah came back to school today. The teacher, Mrs. Enite, let us put our desks together so I can help Sarah. Like she needs help! She's so independent now. She does everything for herself! Talk about a drastic change.

Apparently pneumonia is really empowering. Either that or getting stranded in a restaurant during a blizzard. One of the two, definitely.

And Abby is in a really good mood because she lost 7 pounds and she didn't even mind eating her rabbit food.

1) I'm definitely ripping off someone with "rabbit food," I just don't know who. (Anyone?)
2) Abby lost 7 lbs in under a month?! I don't know how much she weighs (I'm not rude either, I swear I'm not!), but that sounds mighty unhealthy.

Sarah isn't going to get sick again, she's really healthy.

Ummm, okay...?

I've got to do something about Gretchen. She and Todd were feeding each other at lunch! It was so sick!

Didn't all the fifth grade couples you knew feed each other? I mean for the, like, three days that they "went together"? Come on!

Gretchen kept glancing over at me and smirking with this really smug expression look on her face. What a britch!

I'm sorry, remember when I said Gretchen got bitchier this go-round? Yeah, well, I meant BRITCHIER. Obviously.

But dad came over and gave me my present. It was a light blue cassette player radio! I'm so excited. It's really cool. But mom just yelled that Sarah's on the phone. 'Bye.

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The britchiness don't stop. Plus, a love note reveals some vomtastic pet names!

We Can Live Without Boys... Can't We?, part 3

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What happens in Moss Grove...: That's What Friends Are For, Part 2

LAST TIME: Liz, the coolest girl in the 3rd grade, made friends with woefully unstylish (but limber!) T.M. in spite of her short fingernails and green shoes. She then hatched a plot to make over Allyson Prie (member of the puritanical, possibly goth, definitely weird Dark Family) even though she had never spoken a word to her. All in a tizzy to start picking out pastel shades of nail polish and high-heeled shoes for "Ally," Liz canceled her after-school date with Henry, who retaliated by calling her (what else?) a lesbian.

Chapter 6: Rumors

During math everyone was whispering and I was nervous. I'll bet Henry got a rumor going. That, that... nerd! [Ooh, BURN!] That's it—nerd. Henry is a nerd. Henry The Nerd. I'll get a rumor out about him. Ooooo! I'm mad.

So I'm sure every nine-year-old pretty much lives in fear of being called a homo, but come on, Liz! You're the coolest girl in the third grade! What's the big deal? Methinks she doth protest too much.

"Liz." Huh? "Liz." It was the teacher. "Liz, dear, are you okay. You look sick. You're so.... so.... red." Ooooo!
"No, Miss Laney. It's just a sunburn."
"Oh."

Good one, Liz! Way to cover!

That's over with. Whew!
Uh-oh! I'd better get going! Math!
I finished my paper just in time. Now I could go home. Once outside. "T.M. Over here. What did he say? What did he say? Tell me!"
"Okay, he said 'Liz Craw is gay. She has a girlfriend.'"
"That's you."

Oh, really? You guys, I'm starting to think this rumor might have the ring of truth.

"Huh?"
"A girl that's a friend."
"Yeah, well, anyway, all the girls and boys are ganging up on him in..." She looked at her watch. "5 minutes at the river bank."
"Let's Go!"

Chapter 7: At the Riverbank

Tiff and I raced each other to the riverbank. She won.
Suddenly, she stopped.
I looked back. "What?"
"They beat us."
"Uh-oh!!!!"
There were kids in a circle. They had their faces wrinkled and their fists clenched. I suspected Henry was in the middle.
"Go!!!!" I yelled and ran down the hill. T.M. followed. We joined the circle shortly afterward.
He was in the middle.
Everyone made room for me. I gave orders. "Throw him in the river." I commanded.

Yeesh, Liz. He calls you a lesbian and you decide to... KILL HIM? That seems a bit harsh.

"No, no, please!" he pleaded.
I was disgusted. "Now!" I yelled.
That's what they did.

Wow. Don't fuck with Liz and her third-grade minions.

Now, while Henry was freezing in the river, a black car pulled up.
"Beat it!" I screeched. It was 'The Dark Family.'

She's probably more worried about the aquamarine outfit she has on than the attempted homicide.

The pretty lady came out. She said, "Oh George, dear, there's a boy drowning in the river. Fish him out. We'll take him home and fix him up."

I love how calmly she says this, like she and George come upon drowning victims on a daily basis.

I saw Allyson roll her eyes.
"Allyson!" Obviously, so did her mother. "Mind your manners." she snapped.
Allyson smiled sweetly.
Then, they drove away.

Chapter 8: Allyson, dear, where are you?

Word was Allyson Prie had run away.

All of a sudden, Liz sounds like a detective from the '40s.

I decided Tiff and I were going to do some spying at the dark, dark, dark, witch black house. I told T.M. and she agreed right away.
"Yippee!!!!" she said. "Dark, dark, dark. The Darkest, darkest, dark." She went on and on and on and on. "Dark, dark, dark. It's darkest at the Dark's Park. It's dark, dark, dark."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I know. O.K.?"

Those two are like an old married couple. INTERESTING.

"Mmmm! Yes, I understand. No more. End of discussion. Zip!"
"Quit acting like a robot."
"Immediately." She shut her mouth.

"Acting like a robot" might be the single most realistic thing a nine-year-old has done in this story.

Off to the 'Dark' house we went.
"Shhh!" I ordered.
"Okay. Okay." Tiff answered.
This is what we saw:
A pretty lady in gray was walking around saying, "Allyson, dear, where are you?" It was true. The rumor was true. Wow!

You know, I want to poke fun at Mrs. Prie's terrible parenting, but truthfully, every time I "ran away" in elementary school, I was usually somewhere in the yard. Once I made it to the end of the block.

"Hey, Tiff, you here that? The rumor was true. She's really, really gone. Wow!"
"She's more gutsy than I thought she was." Agreed T.M.
Then, "Oh, George, how's that dear boy we pulled out of the river?"

He's still at their house??? I guess if you pull a boy out of a river, he's fair game. Getting thrown in a river? Practically makes you an orphan.

"Fine."
"Oh, don't you think he'd make a nice addition to the family?"
"Yes, of course. But, he has parents. [BAD parents apparently, if they leave him with strangers for days after he NEARLY DROWNS.] You know that Lana."
"Yes, yes, I know. I mean with Allyson, if she turns up, in the future."
"I see what you mean. I'll think about it."
"Yes, dear, see you later." He left and she went back to calling, "Allyson, dear, where are you?"

Um, excuse me? Discussing arranged marriages for your nine-year-old missing child? (If she turns up, that is.) Mrs. Prie is genuinely creepy! I can see kidnapping a boy you find in the river, but I draw the line at pimping out your third grader.

Chapter 9: The Ally Cat

Over the weekend T.M. and I decided to have a search party for Allyson.
We searched high and low.
Under and over.
Here and there.
EVERYWHERE!

We looked near moss grove, but, didn't dare go in.

I'd like to point out that "Moss Grove" is a completely un-sinister name. It sounds like a nice spot for a picnic and a nap.

"Should we go in?"
"Nope."
"But we gotta!"
"Why?"
"She might be in there."
"Who?"
"Allyson."
"Why."
"She might."
"I don't think she's that way."

??? How much do you guys want to bet that Moss Grove is the local lesbian bar? (Er, all-ages lesbian club? I keep forgetting that they're nine, what with the high heels and dating and all.)

"She ran away."
"Okay, we'll try it, satisfied?"
"Yes."
We went in.
Suddenly, we heard, "Meow!!!!"
Ally cats! I thought. We screamed.

I don't get it. Moss Grove is an alley? I thought it was, you know, a GROVE. (...Or a lesbian bar.) Also, they're afraid of CATS? What in God's name?

Chapter 10: Charlotte

We heard a voice. "Allyson, cut that out."
"Aww, Charlotte, come on. It's fun."
T.M. and I giggled.
Then, a head popped up.
Soon, another head.
The second head was Allyson Prie's.
"I told you." said T.M. She was bragging.
"Nah, nah, nah."
"We found her."
"So?"
"So! We found her. And all you can say is 'SO'?"
"Yes."
The heads giggled.
"Hello, Liz. Hello, Tiffany. This is Charlotte."
The first head smiled.

This "head" thing is getting weird. Quit giving me head, Liz!

This is a description of Charlotte: A regular sized 8-year-old. She had curly blond hair, pink lips and cheeks, green little eyes. She had pink polish on her nails. She had a shirt with a pink butterfly on it. She also wore pink shorts.

But what about her eyelashes??? Great, now I have NO IDEA what she looks like.

"Nice to meet you." she said.
"Yes." I said. "We have to take Allyson home. [Whatever, Liz. Quit harshing everyone's mellow!] Allyson?" I looked at her.
"Yes?"
"Your mother is worried. Please, come home."
So, we took Allyson home and we—the four of us—were a great team.

Chapter 11: Trademark

After school the next day when Tiffany came out of the building I called, "Trademark. Trademark."
"What?" she answered confused.
"Trademark." Louder.
"Crazy people, crazy names, boy." she mumbled.
"Hey!" I jumped in front of her face. She stepped back and fell over. Her knee was bleeding.

Jesus, Liz is an asshole.

I got down on the ground. "You okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. Yeah. Just fine." She got up and wiped her hands on her jeans.
"I'll walk with you," I said, changing the subject. [SMOOTH.]
"Okay" she said. "I don't have dance class today."
I giggled.
"What's so funny?"
I giggled again. "You" I said. "dance class."

So T.M. is kind of butch. Doesn't mean she can't take a dance class. Free your mind, Liz.

"Yes." she answered. "Who were you calling 'Trademark'?"
"You." I answered.
She didn't take it kindly. She stubbled [yes, stubbled] backwards and this time I caught her. I stood her up. "T.M. stands for trademark."

This is me trying to show off, in the dorkiest possible way. I had just learned what all those little ™ symbols I was seeing everywhere stood for—and I reasoned that if I didn't know, other kids didn't either, so I thought it my duty to educate my readers.

"Boy, you have some weird teachers." She laughed.
Then, Allyson and Charlotte came over to us. "We know some sign language." They said together and started laughing. "We can sing 'Row, row, row your boat.'" They said together again. They started laughing all over again.
"Taffy taught it to us!" Charlotte said.
"To you." Allyson said. "
I taught it to you." Charlotte said.
"Taffy." mumbled Allyson. Then, they laughed again.
"These people have the laughing disease." I said.
"How do you cure it, Doc?" Tiff asked.
"I dunno. There's no cure yet." I answered.
"We'll show you!" suggested Charlotte.
"Good idea!" answered Allyson.

Because sign language comes across SO well in a book.

They showed us 'Row, row, row your boat.' Not the cure.
"That's great." I said. "Who's Taffy?"
"A friend." answered Charlotte. "Hey, my mom's bakin' chocolate chip cookies. You guys wanna come over?"
"Sure!!!" We all answered together and laughed.

Boringest. Chapter. Ever. Sign language? Cookies??? Where's the intrigue in that? We need a plot twist STAT.

Chapter 12: At Charlotte's House

"Race ya!!!!" screamed Allyson at the top of her lungs [in total violation of Dark Family Rule #3]. She won and I was last.
"You're the rotten nag! You're the rotten nag!" chanted Tiff.

This was something my sister and I used to say; we thought ourselves incredibly witty.

"Nobody said anything about rotten eggs!" I complained.
"Rotten nag!" she corrected.
"Let's forget about it." suggested Charlotte.
"Okay."
"Tiffany." She inspected her carefully with a cat's eye.

Again with the "cat's eye"! I'm assuming I picked this up from other YA authors. I don't think I was spending too much time contemplating feline eyeballs myself.

"Okay." was the answer that finally came.
"Good. Now we can go inside. I'm starved." was Allyson in a desprate voice.
We walked in.
"Mom." called Charlotte. "Mom."
We put our bags down.
"Guess she's not home yet."
"No cookies?" cried Allyson.
"Yes cookies." answered Charlotte. "Just made 'em few munites [munites!] ago. Just had to go to store for somethin'."
"How would you know?" questioned Tiff.

You read my mind, T.M.

"Mind-reader." was the answer.

You did NOT read my mind, Charlotte.

We followed her to the kitchen.
"See, fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies."

Maybe I shouldn't knock the cookies. That actually sounds delicious right about now.

Allyson grabbed one and started munching on it.
"Allyson, shame on you!" cried Charlotte.
But soon we were all grabbing and munching.

Are we still talking about cookies?

Suddenly, a car pulled into the driveway.
"Mom?" called Charlotte. "Mom?"
She looked out the window and then turned around stiff and pale.

Ooh, cookies PLUS intrigue!

"What?" I asked. "Who is it?" My mouth was full of food.
"Hey, Charlotte, you okay?" Allyson walked over to her.
"I don't know who it is." She said. "It's a stranger."

Dun dun DUN!

NEXT TIME: The not-so-thrilling not-so-much-a-conclusion. On the plus side, it does involve T.M. in a bathing suit (Liz is so psyched!) and midgets. Sort of.

Cool! Completely cool!: That's What Friends Are For, Part 1

Prior to third grade, I'd been flirting with the idea of being an artist when I grew up, or maybe a teacher, or possibly even an art teacher. But once I turned nine, it was time to stop dicking around and get serious about the writing. (Plus, I figured I could always illustrate my own books. Genius!)

This zealousness was in part the result of meeting Marilyn Gould, a childhood friend of my grandmother's and an ACTUAL PUBLISHED AUTHOR—of young adult books, no less! She lived in the decidedly more glamorous state of California, but she was coming back to Ohio to see the old 'hood, visit with my grandma, and—more importantly—give a talk at my elementary school about what it was like to be a real, live author!

By the time she arrived, I had read all of her books. But she ended up giving my sister and me a copy of her latest work in progress, which was amazing for two reasons:
1) It was semi-autobiographical and contained a character based on my grandma (her name was even on the dedication page!), which was possibly the coolest thing ever, AND...
2) It was a MANUSCRIPT, making it pretty much my nine-year-old wet dream (although at this point I hadn't yet read Then Again, Maybe I Won't, so I didn't know that wet dreams even existed).

At any rate, the manuscript was seriously inspiring stuff. It was called Max, Braunschweiger, and Me, and basically it was about three friends, a voodoo doll, cooking potatoes in mud, and pretending not to be rich when actually you are. Oh, and something about a war and Nazis. I was like, "Heck! I can do this!" Here's what I came up with:

That's What Friends Are For

To My Friends - Katie and Jessica

If Marilyn Gould taught me anything, it was that you need a dedication page. And if Katie and Jessica were anything like my grandma, having a book dedicated to them might make them cry.

Chapter 1: Liz Craw—Me

My name is Liz Craw. First, I will describe myself. I have long blond hair and blue eyes. I have rosy cheeks and a pink little mouth. My nose is small and my eyelashes long. I am short and thin. I wear clothes that are in style. I have long finger nails. I am the coolest girl in the 3rd grade at Treeline Elementary. At least everyone says so. I'm smart and cute.

I know she's only nine, but I'd like to serve Liz a large slice of humble pie. And in case you're having a problem envisioning her pink little mouth:


Wow, Liz looks kind of like a nine-year-old Tammy Faye. And as you can see, I thought that cropped, uh, vests(?) and matching capris were cool! Completely cool!

I have a younger sister and an older brother. My sister is 5. My brother is 11.

...And that's the last we'll hear about those two.

I am 9. Now I will begin my story.

Phew! Now that we've gotten all of the really important details (like fingernail length) out of the way, we can get down to business!

Chapter 2: T.M.—Tiffany Markerton

PLAGIARISM ALERT! This next bit is completely lifted from Max, Braunschweiger, and Me (which was eventually published under the inferior, singsongy title Friends True and Periwinkle Blue). In Marilyn's book, during recess on the first day of school, the narrator meets a girl with two long red braids who demonstrates her prowess on the uneven bars by doing an impressive array of loop-de-loops. Afterward, the two become friends. Knowing that, see if you don't have a feeling of déjà vu while reading Chapter 2...

On the first day of school at lunch recess in the corner of the playground I saw kids yelling. They said, "Go T.M. Go T.M. Go, go, go, T.M.!" I skipped over there, and, in the middle of the crowd was a girl with long red ponytails doing what she called a "double flipped headstand marcher."

Just so you know, I have no idea what that would look like either. I'm hoping it involves a majorette hat.

When she was done, the children left. I was alone with her. I spoke up. "What's your name?" I asked sweetly.

Add that to the list! Liz: COOL, cute, smart, sweet... did I mention COOL?

She looked at me. "Tiffany Markerton." She answered in one breath, which meant she wasn't out of breath from her performance.
"Huh?"
"Tiffany Markerton."
"Oh, yes, the great T.M." [Holy bitchface, Liz!]
"Yes, who're you?" she questioned.
"Liz Craw." I answered coolly.

Oh, Liz! As if you could answer any other way! You're so cool! COMPLETELY COOL!

"The coolest girl in the 3rd grade?"
"Yep."
"Wow." She was impressed. "Neato." She acted strangely.

Um, if Liz is the coolest girl in the third grade, wouldn't the other kids, like, know what she looks like?

I could get a good look at her now. She had long red, red ponytails. She had big green eyes. Like a cat. She had thick lashes.

Apparently I believed eyelashes to be an integral part of one's appearance.

Her cheeks and lips were a bright red and she had ribbons in her hair. Her clothing was out of style. She had an orange shirt, short overalls, and green new-shoes.

Oh my God, an orange shirt??? Liz is just a saint to make friends with her. Oh, and "new-shoes"? Yeah, that's a term I coined when my sister and I used to play department store. I would make little catalogs filled with drawings of the many fashionable items my sister could purchase, e.g., furry hooded jacket, "Jungle Girl" dress, new-shoes. In actuality new-shoes were flats; I just didn't know what they were called.

She had short fingernails and I liked her right away.

Is there some sort of correlation between those two things? Anyway... oh, what's that? You can't quite wrap your mind around those short overalls and new-shoes? Fine:


Something weird seems to be going on with her nose, but I'm glad to see her eyes aren't all smooshed together (ahem, Liz). And I couldn't fit it in the scan, but in the original drawing, next to her name it says "out of it," because that's how fucking uncool Liz thinks she is.

Chapter 3: The Dark Family

What I'd heard about the Dark family was bad.
I heard these:
#1. You must wear nothing but black and gray.
#2. No friends.
#3. Do things quietly.
#4. Mind your elders.
#5. Act proper.
#6. Defend your beliefs (our belief).
#7. Know everything. [Seems slightly unrealistic. Just sayin'.]
#8. Own only things that are dark in color.
#9. No parties.
#10. Live in a black house.

Whoa! The Dark Family (whoever they are) are either modern-day Puritans or just really, really, really goth. Like, A BLACK HOUSE? When the frick have you ever seen a black house?

That's all 10. Some kids say the house is a witch's house. A girl named Allyson is in that family and my class. She seems to follow those rules.

Once, when I walked down Stray Ave. [awesome], I saw a car stop. (A black car.) A line of children came out. They lined up in size order.

I had watched The Sound of Music too many times and thought all strict parents with lots of kids would operate à la Captain von Trapp.

They were all wearing black. A pretty woman in black counted them. A man in black [Johnny Cash???] said, "Hurry back in. All of them are here." They followed that order promptly. Then they were gone. That was 'The Dark Family'. It gave me the creeps.

Chapter 4: Allyson Prie

I thought Allyson was Pretty. So did T.M. Let me tell you about Allyson. She had long brown hair and thick bangs.

Of COURSE she had brown hair. Popular media had already ingrained in me the Hair Color Holy Trinity—we already have a blond and a redhead, so clearly the next character must be a brunette! It's only logical.

She had bright brown eyes. She had red lips and pink cheeks. She had black nail polish. She always wore a black pearl necklace. You know about her clothes. Also, she has black new-shoes with straps. (Cool! Mine don't have straps!)

Hmmm... she seems overly accessorized for a Puritan:


And yet that dress has "Pilgrim" written all over it. Either that or "Wednesday Addams."

I had a plan.
Later walking home. "Yo, T.M.!"
She jumped. "Huh?"
"It's me—Lizzy Craw. Remember?"
"Right, yeah. Whew." [???]
"We got work, Tiff." T.M. followed me. "Ya know Allyson Prie—top secret."
She cackled. "Dark, dark, dark." she chanted.
I rolled my eyes. "Quit it." I mumbled. [Oh shut it, Liz! You're nine! It's, like, your job to be annoying.]
"So what're we gonna do?"
"Stuff."
"Huh?"
"Stuff—tomorrow."
"Gotcha!" [Uh, wha? How did "tomorrow" clarify anything?]
"'Bye!"
"'Bye!"

I'm not entirely sure what just transpired.

Chapter 5: Plans

My plan (on a piece of paper): To Fix Up Allyson Prie by Liz Craw. Helper – Tiffany Markerton.

Yes!!! Just what this book was needing: a makeover! (You know, so far, this plot is a lot like an Olsen twins movie.)

Allyson needs a nickname: Ally
New clothes in colors: Pink, purple, blue, yellow, and red (A little black) Also, white (of course)
New clothes like: Pants and shorts and overalls and short tops and long sweaters.
Wear hair up: Braids. Ponytail(s). Pigtail(s). Bun(s). (Or any other thing)
Odds and ends: Jewelery. Long nails. Nail polish. Toys. High Heel Shoes? (or not) Friends. Talk louder. Thank You!
That was it. Not too good. It was good enough.

Let's review. First of all, orange and green? Way uncool. (I hope you're taking notes, T.M.) Second, hold the phone! Overalls are cool? As long as they're not short overalls? You guys, being cool is so complicated. I'm just going to toss my hair in a bun, put on a long purple sweater, and call it a day. Maybe I'll even slip on some high-heeled shoes. Or not. Since I'm nine. Also, I like how Liz considers friends to be in the "odds and ends" category. This speaks VOLUMES.

I just thought of something. At my age I was out on dates. [!!!] I had a date after school at the mall [where else?] with Henry McCaw. I didn't like him that much. I turned down another date for him. Well, I had to break it.

She doesn't even like him, but she turned down another date for him? What's up with that? Wait, why am I trying to make sense of this? They are NINE YEARS OLD.

At recess I walked over to Henry.
"Henry." I said.
He looked at me. "Yes, Liz?"
"I have to break our date."
"What?!" he almost yelled.
"Shhh!"
"Huh?"
"I have to do something with my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?!" Yick! "Well, if a girlfriend is more important than me then...." [He's already passive-aggressive at age nine. Run, Liz! Run!] What, what? "You have a girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"You're gay!"
Oh, no! "I'm not gay. You, you..."
"Ha! Ha! HA! Liz is gay!!!!"
I turned red!

WOW. Now watch me awkwardly attempt to defend my nine-year-old homophobia: You guys, I was raised in a liberal (albeit Midwestern) city by open-minded parents, but I obviously believed that being labeled "gay" would be the biggest social catastrophe that could befall you in the third grade. That is how afraid kids are of being perceived as "different." Did I really have a problem with gay people? I don't think so. I mean, I remember thinking it was "gross"—but I also thought that French kissing was "gross," and I definitely ended up changing my tune about that. Actually, one of my best friends in second grade was very likely transgendered. And I say this not because she liked to wear a tie rather than a skirt when she had to get dressed up (although that's also true), but because one day on the playground she said to me, "If I ever get a sex change, my name is going to be David. And we will not fall in love." I was like, "Cool. Let's go play on the monkey bars."

NEXT TIME: Liz gets her revenge on Henry, and it involves the n-word: nerd!