In the Land of Lost Books: Cabin #1

So if you've ever perused my lengthy list of blog tags, you may nave noticed the label "books that never were." Perhaps you're thinking, "Uh, Sada, isn't that a tad misleading? Technically, aren't these ALL books that never were?" To which I would have to reply, "Well, yes, you've got me there." The tag, however, refers to books that really, really, REALLY never got off the ground. I may have drawn the characters; charted the family member's names, ages, and favorite colors; or written the back-of-the-book synopsis—I just didn't get around to writing the actual book. Or maybe I started writing the book, but I didn't make it past page two. You know how it is.

The Land of Lost Books is pretty densely populated, so we may find ourselves visiting often. On our first trip here, we have an untitled camp tale, for which I drew a raucous bedtime scene. It's drawn on a ginormo piece of blue paper that does not come close to fitting in my scanner, so I had to scan the left and right halves separately. You'll just have to meld them together in your mind.




Clicking on the images will enlarge them, but I think we have to go through bunk by bunk anyway. Um, speaking of bunks, what is up with these crazy quadruple-decker beds that must be climbed via a trail of teeny-tiny pegs? Holy lawsuit waiting to happen! Also, please note how even though it is a drawing, I managed to finagle references to Tiffany and Kirk Cameron, not to mention sneak in another character named Mandy. But let's start at the tippy-top of the left bunk, with Dora, who may or may not be singing into a fourth grader–sized dildo:


Please note that the campers are apparently required to sleep with their luggage. Also, did you notice the little mark on Dora's bed? I would force friends and family to examine this drawing and select their favorite character. Dora and Carrie were the co-favorites of my indecisive friend Jessica.

Below Dora we have Marie, favorite of no one, who has giant Taylor Dayne–esque hair and is inexusably wearing a snowflake nightie in the summer:


Then there's the Kirk-loving duo of Carrie (that's right, Carrie! not Teresa!) and Mandy:

Carrie is trying to appear trés apathetic in her "Camp is Boring" shirt (which I like to think she puffy-painted during Arts & Crafts), but she cannot feign disinterest in the Kirkster. Mandy (who has two votes—apparently both of my grandparents were digging her) has selected Teen Beat for her bedtime reading.

In the middle of all the hubbub is Cabin #1's clearly beleaguered counselor, Joan. Who has plaid shorts, Converse high-tops, and a whistle. Um, and a hat with her name on it. Hot!:


Up top on the right side, we have Angie, who is either making fun of Counselor Joan or Single-White-Female-ing her really hard:


Next is the duo of Sarah and Tiffany. Sarah is looking quite snazzy in a half-shirt and undies, but I'm not sure how she managed the climb up to the third bunk with her pair of obviously atrophied legs. Tiffany, on the other hand, is overly mobile. And her hair rivals Marie's in terms of sheer '80s volume. Tarzan of the jungle? More like queen of the jungle with that frigging lion's mane she's sporting:


Then, of course, there's Lisa, who, in case you were oblivious to what all those zzz's floating around her head mean, is actually thinking, "I'm snoring." With one eye open. FAKER! Also, I just tried to re-create her sleeping pose on my couch and it was not the most comf:


Where was the story going to go? Who knows! As this picture proves, the possibilities were ENDLESS! But most likely they somehow involved Kirk Cameron.

NEXT TIME: More books that never were. Oh yeah, there are a bunch of them.

Try, try again

The following are ideas for a few stories I was considering writing for a school assignment in fourth grade—but ultimately decided against. What made me think that these were unsuitable plotlines compared to, say, the nonadventures of a dim-witted punk Valley girl and her motorcycle gang? That's something we may never know. But the exciting part here is that we get to see actual ACTION! Or, uh, the outline of action anyway.

Plot Treatment #1:

A. My friends

1. Theme – If at first you don't suceed, try, try again

2. Plot – My friends and I are stuck under the water

3. Characters – My friends and I

4. Setting – The Beach, underwater, summer

We are swimming and suddenly Jessica is pulled underwater. We all follow. We can breathe! INCREDIBLE! We find all the wonders of the sea. We collect shells, see fish, make faces at sharks—everything! We want to get home but none of us can find a way out. Ty finds a cave. GREAT. It leads us to a fierce whirlpool. The one that brought us down here. We should try to swim back up. No luck. Stand under, Katie says. It pulls us up. AIR! FREEDOM! WONDERFUL.

So, how exactly is the theme of that story "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again"? If at first you don't succeed at swimming up a fierce whirlpool, try, try to stand under it and it will probably spit you out on dry land? It seems to me the theme was more along the lines of "Being able to breathe underwater is totally friggin' awesome!!!" Which—let's be honest—is a way better theme, although taunting sharks is maybe not the best idea, gill-like capabilities or not.

This book idea was definitely born out of my fervent childhood desire to be a mermaid. It was a desire that had probably lessened in intensity by fourth grade, but you can be sure I had spent many, many a former bath playing with my Sea Wees and/or pretending I was Daryl Hannah. Sometimes, as a rare treat, my mom would even let me pour some salt in the bathwater à la Madison in Splash! In reality, I've never really liked putting my head underwater. But if I could BREATHE while doing so? Hellooo, wonders of the sea!

Plot Treatment #2:

A. The Bikini Summer, Off at Camp, Beach Ball Baby, Perfect, Friends

I think those are all possible titles for the story. My vote's with The Bikini Summer. Nothing hotter than fourth graders in bikinis. Yeow! (Beach Ball Baby totally sounds like a Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello movie.)

1. Theme – Things aren't always as bad as they seem

2. Plot – Four girls are sent to camp and become an unlikely group

3. Characters – Four girls

4. Setting – At camp, summer

At Camp ['Scuse? No Bikini Summer??? I'm just going to pretend I didn't see this. La la la . . . ]

Ami Steinburger – beautiful, perfect, spoiled
Joy Linlar – funny, a bit plump, short
Carrie Trailor – bossy, leader, tall
Barbie Jenson – hates name, hates water, talks a lot

For some unknown reason, I was obsessed with the name Joy Linlar (???). Don't be surprised if J.L. pops up in another story.

Girls try to sneak away from camp. By accident a goat dog named Fifi follows. The girls are caught. Barbie gets away. The only way out is by Ami's dad's boat. Barbie can't do it. She can't control the boat. She is tossed overboard in the middle of the lake. Thank god for life-jackets. She finds that water isn't so bad. Phone calls to the other girls' parents. They don't know where Barbie is. They all are given a second chance. A soaked Barbie is lying in bed. She feels better and changes her name to Barb. Ami makes everyone stop calling Barb 'Beach Ball Baby'. Barb competes in swimming for the camp and comes in 2nd. Ami's drawings are printed. Joy

CRAP! That's it!!! What happens to Joy Linlar???

So, just to recap: We're back at camp, which is, as we all know, the perfect setting for a book. Why is this "unlikely group" trying to run away from such a perfect setting? And where are they planning on GOING? God only knows. Then that stupid goat DOG gets them caught! DAMN YOU, FIFI. And yet somehow Beach Ball Barbie manages to break free and steal Ami's dad's boat, which is inexplicably located on the camp grounds, and which she inexplicably has the keys to. Then she overcomes her fear of water by being THROWN OVERBOARD FROM AN OUT-OF-CONTROL BOAT. Not only does this seemingly traumatic event—which leaves her stranded in the middle of a lake, mind you—cure her aquaphobia (and, it would appear, her depression), it magically makes her an amazing swimmer able to kick the asses of other children who have probably been swimming for longer than, say, a week. Oh, and she changes her name to Barb. Getting thrown from a boat is totally empowering, guys. She probably joins the Olympic swim team directly after camp ends. Go Barb!

But let's not forget about the other girls. I like how they're all given a "second chance" EVEN THOUGH THEY STILL HAVEN'T FOUND BARBIE AND SHE COULD BE FLOATING FACE-DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE FOR ALL THEY KNOW. And there's the whole matter of, you know, the hijacked boat. But whatevs. Those girls deserve another shot at, like, NOT running away from camp. Ami Steinburger, you have some drawings to publish. Joy Linlar and Carrie Trailor . . . I don't know, but I hear that you're a bit plump and bossy, respectively, so I'm sure you have many talents as well. And if you don't? Whatever. Things aren't always as bad as they seem. I'm sure that's exactly what Barbie was thinking when she was in the middle of the lake, dodging a runaway boat and trying to figure out how to swim. Oh no, that's right, what she was thinking was, "This water . . . why, it isn't bad at all! In fact, I think I kind of LOVE swimming! Call me Barb, everyone. Call me fucking BARB."

Next is the outline for the book I actually ended up writing, which I'm sure you'll agree is TOTALLY INFERIOR to The Bikini Summer.

Plot Treatment #3:

A. My brother and his friends

1. Theme – Young people have good imaginations

As opposed to crotchety old 10-year-olds like me?

2. Plot – Four little boys create their own land in outer space

3. Characters – Four little boys and me

4. Setting – In outer space, daytime

Noah, Jeremy, Josh, Will [my brother, who was on the verge of turning four when I wrote this], and me. They dream us into outer space. We have to get back in time for dinner. The boys are fighting over who should be the king of our new-found planet. I have a headache. Jeremy, Josh, and Noah's mothers are at home. They wonder where we are. Josh finally realizes we are lost. I find we can dream ourselves back. All of us. Noah wants to stay. We force him to get us back. Now we're in a jungle. We go through all of it again. The North Pole. Brrr. It's cold and Noah gives in.

Sorry, but BO-RING. Who wants to read about four-year-old boys in the North Pole when we can be reading about Joy Linlar? In a bikini? At camp? I hear she's funny . . .

NEXT TIME: A peek at my fourth grade journal, which contains a fair amount of Reagan-bashing. For serious!

Gymnastics Camp

First off, I apologize if anyone's RSS readers sent them here a few days ago to find, uh, NOTHING. I accidentally pressed the wrong button combo on my itty-bitty keyboard and published this one WAY prematurely. Here it is, for real this time:

In second grade I wrote a report on Mary Lou Retton, and my fascination with gymnastics was born. Never mind that I was consistently picked last in Gym due to my general sport apathy and a severe lack of coordination. My sister and I began diligently practicing headstands on our parents' bed (against the wall, because you better believe that otherwise we would have fallen right over) and forced my mom to watch us execute lopsided cartwheels in the front yard. "Was that one straight?" I would ask her. "Was that one?" They never were.

As a class assignment in third grade (I think it was third grade—I found it in a folder with other third grade stuff, so I'm going with it), we had to write a short play, and the best ones (as selected by our teacher) would be performed in a lunch-hour production. The following is an abridged version of my entry, Gymnastics Camp, about the cutthroat world of elementary-aged gymnasts. Needless to say, it did not get picked.

Gymnastics Camp [Not only did I not do gymnastics, I hadn't even been to camp when I wrote this.]

Part 1
Setting: At Julie's house

Narrator [I've found that if you imagine all of the narrator's lines being read in the voice of the Moviefone guy, this play is way more entertaining. Trust me.]: Julie is as happy as ever. Her parents are letting her go to gymnastics camp.
Timmy: Juwie is goin' ta natic cap.
Julie: It's gymnastics camp. (Julie flips.)
Trisha: Is she going to flip forever?
J's Mom: I hope not. I think she's just excited.
Trisha: Excited! She's more than excited. She's doing flips and cartwheels and this and that.
Julie: I'm practicing. You can't even hop!
Trisha: I can!
Julie: Let's see. On one foot.
Trisha: (Hops twice and falls over) Oooof!
Julie: (giggling) I told you. (Julie flips)
Timmy: (giggling) Tisa tan't hopa!
Trisha: (getting up) I can too. I wasn't ready. Julie doesn't give anybody time.
Julie: (Julie flips) I do. I'm in a hurry. (Julie cartwheels) I have to practice.

So far we have learned that Julie is somewhat of a beyotch.

Part 2
Setting: At Emily's house

Narrator: Emily is feeling wonderful. She, too, is going to gymnastics camp.
Marcia: What's she doing now?
Patrick: Shhh. Emmy is toncetating.
E's Mom: She'll probably do a back flip.
Emily: I will. Wait! Now! (Emily back flips.)
E's Dad: Wow! She's getting good.
Patrick: Yep! Wewwy dood! [What's up with my preteen obsession with speech disorders???]
Marcia: O.K.! I agree.
E's Mom: All right! It's time for dinner my little acrobats.
Patrick: Otay! Otay!
Marcia (closing a book): I'm coming.
Emily: Just a second. (Emily cartwheels)

Julie and Emily both appear to have families like mine (imagine that!): two parents, slightly younger sister, and much younger brother. Emily, however, does not seem nearly as irritating as Julie. Yet.

Part 3
Setting: At the bus stop. Both familys are waiting for the gymnastics bus.

Narrator: Emily and Julie's familys are waiting for the bus. It seems as if it will never come.

Here's where I start the abridging: There's some unimportant bickering between siblings (we are treated to further evidence of Trisha's inability to hop), and then the bus shows up.

Driver: All on! All on! All on! All on! All on the Gymnastics bus! Tickets please. Tickets please. All on! All on!
People on the bus: Ooooh! I gotta window! Don't push. No! Mommy! No! Eeeek! Stop! Don't push. I'll write soon! 'Bye! [Are the people all saying that simultaneously? That's what I like to imagine.]

Emily and Julie then bid their families adieu in an extremely long-winded fashion. Julie's dad calls her "cupcake" (which would be cute if he wasn't talking about Julie), and Trisha and Timmy ominously warn her to be careful.

Part 4
Setting: At the camp.

Narrator: Everyone is at camp. They are being introduced to each other.
Mary: I'm your counselor. This is Amy. This is Emily. This is Wendy. This is Julie. Finally, this is Stephanie. Say Hi!

They each say hi, Amy doing so "in a shy voice."

Mary: Hi! (chuckling) Well, everyone did say "hi" now didn't they!
5 girls: Yessssss counselor Maaaaryyy!
Mary: Oh, All right! Enough is enough already. Goodness gracious.

Part 5
Setting: In the gym room

Narrator: All of the girls are doing well. There are mats. There are bars. There is a balance beam.

Wow, the narrator is just useless in this play. Sorry, Mr. Moviefone!

Mary: Near the mat. Oh, I mean in front of the mat. Sorry. There. Good.

I am totally intrigued by the perpetually flustered counselor Mary. What led her to gymnastics camp? And will she ever want to work with children again?

Mary: Now we'll somersault.
Amy: Oh!
Julie: Huh!
Emily: Why?
Stephanie: Really, now.
Wendy: We already know how to, counselor Mary.
Julie: Yep, we do.

They are so obnoxious. I feel for you, counselor Mary.

Mary: We have to anyway. Orders from the chief, ya know. [Excuse me? What chief? The GYMNASTICS chief?] So, we have to.

Blah blah, they all somersault.

(Everyone walks over to the balance beam.)
Mary: Now can you get across this in 5 steps?
5 girls: Yes counselor Mary, we can.

. . . And then they do. I told you this was riveting!

(Everyone walks over to the bars.)
Mary: Can you all do flips over this?
5 girls: Yes counselor Mary, we can.

Then they all flip over the (parallel?) bars.

Mary: O.K.! Good workout. Time to go.
5 girls: Hurray! (jumping) Hurray!

That so did not deserve a "hurray." And call me crazy, but shouldn't they be, you know, learning some stuff at gymnastics camp?

Part 6
Setting: In the camp

Narrator: This is a happy time. Mary has a terrific announcement to make. Let's see what it happens to be.
Mary: Okay, girls, stop what you're doing and come here. I have an announcement to make.
5 girls: Oh goody! Counselor Mary has a very, very important announcement to make. Oh goody. Yeaaa! Goodyyy!
Mary: Calm down, nowwww! My announcement is (clears throat) is that this group. Group 12 that is . . . . . . . um . . . . is . . . . .
5 girls: Yesss! Yesss! Tell usss!
Mary: Group 12 is having a gymnastics show, well, like contest. Contest-show! That's it! Well, that's over with.
5 girls: Oh wow! Only usss! Goody Ohhh!

Only them? That's suspiciously convenient. You'd think it would involve, say, the whole camp. Counselor Mary is totally going to head back to the bunk and pop some Xanax.

Part 7
Setting: In the gym room

Narrator: Everyone is ready. But, Amy refuses to take part. She claims she is too shy. We won't find out why, even if we try.

The rhyming? Uncalled for. And don't I seem to be bizarrely comfortable with my inability to tie up loose ends in my writing? I'm practically flaunting it. But about the shyness: I was crazy shy at this age (like, so shy that I would sometimes cry if I got called on in class and didn't know what to say), so if I had miraculously been flexible enough for gymnastics camp, I might not have wanted any part of their "contest-show" either.

Mary: O.K. You four are ready to roll! Go!
Stephanie: Hello! I'm Stephanie Blake. I will do a front flip, back flip, cartwheel, and somersault.
Crowd: Hey Stephanie! Go girl! Way to go! Knock 'em dead! Yea Steph! Go Stephy!
Stephanie: Thank you! (flip and fall over)
Judge: Out! Next!

Yeesh! That's kinda harsh. Is this a reality show??? I pretty strictly avoid reality shows these days, but I would watch the crap out of Gymnastics Camp!

Crowd: Too bad Stephanie! Toooo baddd!
Julie: Hello, I'm Julie Trink. I'll do a front flip, back flip, cartwheel, and somersault.
Crowd: You can do it. Gooo Julieee!
J's Mom: You can, sweetie, you can!
J's Dad: You got this far, Honey!
Trisha: Flip forever and ever and ever!
Timmy: Ip faeva an' eva an' eva! You tan!
Julie: (bows) Thank you! (front flip) whew!
Crowd: Ohhhh!
Julie: Now! (back flip) Ohhh!
Crowd: Ahhhh!
Julie: This is simple! (cartwheel) Seee!

I hate Julie.

Crowd: Ohhh! Myyy!
Julie: Easiest of all. (somersault) Welllll!
Crowd: Yeaaaaaaaaa!
Julie: Thank you! Thank you!!!!!!!!!
Judge: Thank you, Miss Trink. You are qualified to participate in the finals.
Julie: Yesss! Thank youuuu!
Judge: You're very welcome, Miss Trink. Next!
Wendy: I'm Wendy Stanz. I'll do what they did, okay. Is that okay Mary?
Mary: Yes, fine, dear, go on now. Ohh!
Wendy: Nobody's gonna cheer?
Crowd: Go onnn! You cannn!
Wendy: Thanks! (flips and trips and falls) Ohhh! Nooo!
Judge: Out! Next.

Apparently she cannn't.

Emily: I'm Emily West. I will do a front flip, back flip, cartwheel, and somersault. No cheers, please. I must concentrate. A front flip. (Front flip) Good. (back flip) There. (Cartwheel) Done (somersault) Easy! Thank you, but no cheers, please!

Now I also hate Emily.

Judge: Thank you, Miss West. You are qualified to participate in the finals. Is that the last one?
Mary: Yes, that's all of them. Come girls.

Part 8
Setting: In the camp. The girls are in bed.
Narrator: The girls are very excited about what happened and what is to happen. Lets take a look.

What that should actually say is:
Narrator: The girls are about to talk some smack. Let's take a look.

Wendy: Hey, Em? Ya know what?
Emily: What do you want Wendy?
Wendy: You were real good . . . . . .
Emily: Thank you, Miss Stanz.
Wendy: But I was better. Much better.
Emily: Oh well, good night.
Wendy: Good night to you to.

Creepy! Do you think Wendy knows Jeff Gillooly? You better watch your back, Emily. And your knees.

Stephanie: Julie, are you up?
Julie: Huh, oh, yeah I'm up.
Stephanie: Good, I think Wendy made a fool of herself . . . .
Julie: Completely!
Stephanie: But you were good. I wasn't.
Julie: Oh, I'm sorry. Good night!
Stephanie: Good night.
Mary: Stop talking and go to sleep.

I love Mary.

Part 9
Setting: In the gym.

Narrator: It's time for the finals! Mary is excited. Group 12 is excited. The crowd is excited. Even I am excited!
Crowd: Ohhhhh! It'ssss startinggg!
Mary: We're glad to have you here for the finals. Emily!
Emily: Hello my name is Emily West. First I will do a front flip. (flip and fall) Owwww! It hurts.
(Two people rush on stage and take Emily away.)
Judge: We will wait to see what has happened.
Mary: Here's a letter! Here's a letter.
Judge: What does it say?
Mary: Oh, yes, I forgot. It says: Dear Mary, Emily has been hurt badly. She has sprained her ankle.

WHAT? Did that just happen INSTANTANEOUSLY? She JUST fell and then Mary magically had a letter (a LETTER!) explaining what happened! Like, immediately!!!

Judge: That means Julie wins!
Crowd: Yeaaaa Julieeee!
Julie: Thank you.
Judge: Here. (hands her trophy and ribbon)
Julie: Thank you.
(Emily enter with family)
Julie: I cannot except this. It's not fair. (Hands the trophy to Emily) That's fair.
Emily: Thank you.
Crowd: Yeaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!
Julie: Are you all right?
Emily: Yes.

Narrator: That's the story of Gymnastics Camp. Emily and Julie learned about friendship and the ways people do things, how good they really are at gymnastics, and what's fair and what's not. They taught everyone a lesson in caring. The End.

I love this ending. The ways people do things? What the fuck does that even mean? I also like how it was only unfair because Emily hurt herself when she fell; when Wendy fell they were all, "Bwa ha ha, Wendy's an ass." A lesson in caring indeed.

NEXT TIME: The USA Girls "radio show" scripts. Ever wanted dating advice and movie recommendations from nine-year-olds? If so, you are totally in luck!