Leaving on a Jet Plane

I haven't had time to snark all of Lauren Lowsky, 100% babysitter, so I'm sneaking in a quickie first. This short story was an entry in my fifth grade school journal, and I thought it was totally eeeeeeerie and could definitely get me a gig writing for The Preteen Twilight Zone. (And yes, by that I mean Are You Afraid of the Dark? Or was that more like Tales from the Preteen Crypt? Discuss.)

3/14/89

Two Friends: The Story of Friendship

Once upon a summer day, two friends, Janet and Heather, were sitting in the grass.

"I don't want to move." Heather said stubbornly, crying

"I don't want you to either." said Janet, crying, too. "But you have to promise me we'll always be best friends, no matter what. If the end of the world comes, I'll still be there for you."

These five... er, six... words I swear to you. But awww, how sweet. If the end of the world comes, I'll totally be there for all of YOU GUYS! We'll hang out in my underground (or inner-tree) bunker and play MASH until we can play MASH no more. And maybe kiss some Chad Allen posters and choreograph a new routine to "I've Had the Time of My Life." We'll go out in a blaze of 1989 glory. If anyone can find nonperishable Cool Ranch Doritos, it is ON.

"I promise." said Heather.

"Here," said Janet, taking off her necklace. "I want you to have this." She handed it to Heather.

"Your shell necklace!" gasped Heather. "The one your mother gave you before she died. OH, I can't!"

It's nice how the girls are so helpful with the exposition! Also, if my mother were on her deathbed and bequeathed to me a SHELL NECKLACE, I might get rid of it too.

My mom died and all I got was this stupid shell necklace.

"Take it." said Janet.

"Here," said Heather, digging into her pocket. "I want you to have this."

"Your lucky stone! The one you found on the beach! Thank you!"

They both have special beach objects! You have goosebumps already, just admit it.

"Thank you!" cried Heather. And then she was gone.

In a puff of smoke? What happened? Did she just apparate? Is she moving to HOGWARTS?

7 years later, when the girls were 17, there was a plane crash. Only one girl was killed. Her name was Janet McCall. Heather cried for days after she heard. Janet had been coming to visit Heather. Heather had never worn the shell necklace, but now she took it out of it's case and put it on.

Like, just how ugly is that necklace? Seriously.

Two days after Janet was killed, there was a second plane crash. Only one person died. Her name was Heather Dobbins. She was going to her friend Janet McCall's funeral. So, then they were together again.

Woooo-oooooo-ooooooh! Wasn't it EERIE, with the exchange of oceanic items and the really implausible only-one-person-on-the-entire-plane-dying thing happening TWICE? You'll be up all night trying to make sense of it, I know.

So, what was the story of friendship? A few theories:

• Visiting your be-fri means risking your life. Even if she's already dead and you haven't seen her in seven years and you're just going to pay your respects to her family or whatever, you're pretty much taking your life into your hands.
  
• Wearing a fugly shell necklace might just cause your plane to crash. (That necklace is so cursed. I want a sequel.)
  
• If your friend moves away, forget her. You can give her your lucky stone, but you'll never see her alive again. But don't worry! You two can totally hang in the afterlife!
  

NEXT TIME: We'll finally be babysat by Lauren Lowsky.

Until then, since I know how much you like reading other peoples' diaries, you might want to check out this post on Jezebel. I'm not the only one who likes to embarrass myself on the Internets!

My Diary, part one

I declared myself as a "writer" early on in my childhood. This meant I was doomed to receive, at a minimum, five diaries and/or blank books a year as gifts. I mean, I liked writing in a diary and all, but COME ON! I was no Anaïs Nin, people. For one thing, I was 11! There was no way on God's green earth that the trivial details of my life could fill five diaries a year. But the trivial details of a fictional character's life? That's an entirely different story. A story called My Diary.

Here's what the preadolescent promo material has to say about it:

MY DIARY

Jenny gets a diary to write all her feelings down in. She has a lot to write. Her best friend, Sarah, is home with pnemonia, she had a fight with her friend, Gretchen, and her friend, Abby, is scared to death of Gretchen. And she has to walk her six-year-old pesty sister home from school. Her parents divorce is final and her dad is moving to Maine. Then her grandpa she hardly knows has a heart attack and her whole life changes. She spends a lot of time in New York with her cousin, Ellen. Then her mom decides to move and Jenny is pulled away from her friends to a place where the only people she knows are her family. Jenny doesn't thinks she fits in at all.

Sorry, by the way, if I misled you with the title. For my (real) diary you have to go back a few entries. But the book HAD to be called My Diary because, well, that's what it said on the cover:


And OF COURSE I set out to create the most authentic fake diary the world had ever seen, switching up my writing implements for the various entries (I'll try to vary the font color here so you can get the full experience) and giving ol' Jenny a handwriting style that was, once again, eerily similar to Stacey McGill's.

Seriously, did anyone actually dot their i's with hearts? ANYONE?

My Diary

12/25/88

A diary! I swear I have always wanted a diary! Someplace to write my feelings where no one else can find them out. So here goes nothing, Diary:

My name is Jennifer Ann Scott. My best friend is Sarah Betsy Alton.

There were so many nicknames that confounded me as a child. Jack is a nickname for John? WHY? It's not even shorter! And it makes sense that Maggie and Meg are nicknames for Margaret—but PEG?! What? the? hell? It looks like we can add "Betsy" to the list too. Liz and Beth I was familiar with, yes, but apparently I believed Betsy to be a name in its own right.

I like to write. I swear I do. Sarah likes to draw. She is really good. I swear she is. I have wanted a diary ever since I read the diary of Anne Frank. I swear that was the best book. So now I am so, so glad Sarah bought me this for Christmas/Hanukkah. (She is Jewish)

Nope, Alton doesn't sound Jewish to me either.

I swear I will get her a better present next year. So in Anne Frank she named her diary "Kitty". That was so, so cool! So I am going to give you a name. ASHLEY. That name is so, so pretty. I swear, that is the best name. Good bye, Ashley!

Your Pal,
Jen

Ashley! That is soooo 20 years ago. Now the diary's name would be Madison. Or Ava. Or maybe Isabella or Sophie.

12/27/88

Dear Ashley,

Yesterday we went to see a play. My brother, Anthony, was in it. He was good. I swear he was! Gosh, I didn't tell you about my family, did I? Well, my parents are separated. They have been for 3 years. I swear they have. They are going to get a divorce soon. I live with my mom. She is so, so nice. Much nicer than dad. He deserted us. "US" is me, 10½, Anthony (TONY), 13, Lucy (LUCILLE), 6, and mom. We visit him every month. He never sees us for the holidays, but he sends us Christmas gifts and stuff on our birthdays. Sometimes I really miss my dad. He was so, so nice. And grouchy. I swear he's the grouchiest person ever.

My parents are still together, so I was pulling this divorce stuff out of my ass. That may explain why Jen sounds like she has a personality disorder when she talks about her dad.

Mom just told me I have to walk Lucy home when school starts! YECH! I swear I will die. Lucy is such a pest! She is so, so pesty!

I am so, so ripping off the BSC. At least Lucy doesn't call anyone a silly-billy-goo-goo. I hope.

12/18/88

Dear Ashley,

"Scott" is dad's last name. His name is Jason Scott. My mom's name is Edith Fields. She used to be Edith Scott. Now she hates the name Scott. I say we should have named Anthony "Scott". The he'd be "Scott Scott". Mom just says "HA HA" like it isn't really funny at all.

I'm with you, Edith.

It really snowed today! We went outside and froze up. There was no Hot Chocolate when we came in either. Mom was really mad. She blew up and started saying how no one ever appreciates what she does.

I suspect this may have been inspired by real-life bratty hot chocolate demands and my mom's subsequent outrage.

I think she was just mad because the roads were blocked and she was stuck here with us. Lucy wanted her to read to her all day. I swear, she is such a pest! I was so, so cold. Anthony hit me in the face with a snowball. I swear, I will kill him. He is so, so dumb to mess with me!

12/30/88

Dear Ashley,

I know we haven't had a good talk yet. I want to tell you about boys. They're no new discovery. Yep, they've been around.

Jenny = No Magellan.

Some are so, so cute, too! I swear I have never like any of them as much as I like the one I like now. He is so, so perfect I can't believe I didn't notice him before. His name is Todd Swartz. He has brown hair that is cut so, so cool.

I can only imagine what that would look like. Considering our frame of reference in 1988, we could be talking about this:


Or this:


Or, MAN ALIVE, even this:


But brown, of course.

He has blue eyes. I swear they are bluer than blue. He is nice. "Maybe even too nice", my friend Gretchen says. She is so suspicious. She wants to be a detective. "He may be plotting to use us." I ignore her then. Sarah says she is only teasing, but she is so, so annoying. I swear she is terrible. Really she is. I don't see how I put up with her! And Ashley, you can call me Jen or Jenny. Everyone does. There are too many Jennifers!

And NONE of them go by Jen or Jenny. Absolutely none! Although the idea of the diary "calling" her anything is deeply flawed to begin with.

12/31/88

Dear Ashley,

These are my New Year's resolutions:

#1. I will get out of walking pesty Lucy home from school.
#2. I will go with Todd Swartz by the end of the year.
#3. I will make Gretchen stop teasing me somehow.
#4. I will buy Sarah a better gift for Christmas.

Shouldn't that be Hanukkah? What did she get her, anyway? A cassingle of "Don't Worry, Be Happy"? Actually, I would have been pretty psyched about that gift in 1988. Never mind.

#5. I will try out for the school play this Spring.
#6. I will get a better grade in Science.
#7. I will get even with Miss Litzco, the Science teacher.
#8. I will write a truly great piece of writing (Poetry, story, etc.)
#9. I will go in the boys' bathroom with Sarah and Gretchen.
#10. I will get Anthony for good.

I swear I will do all these things. Even the ones that are so, so gross.

My friends and I also accomplished Goal #9, but sadly, it was not nearly as gross as we had imagined.

1/1/89

Dear Ashley,

I slept over Sarah's. We watched them drop the ball from wherever they drop it from on New Year's eve.

I was a deeply cultured child.

The year has gone by so quick. It didn't even seem like Christmas this year. Except for when we opened presents any way. Sarah said she feels the same way. So do Gretchen and Abby.

This was based on real-life sentiment. I later realized it didn't feel like Christmas because it was the first year we didn't get toys. We had offically entered tweendom, and it was kind of lackluster.

Abby is another good friend of mine except she is so shy. She is also FAT if you ask me, but we don't say anything because her main resolution is to lose weight. She is on a strict diet.

Because it's okay to be fat ONLY if you're self-loathing and trying NOT to be fat. Got that?

I love January and December. My birthday is on January 23rd. I cannot wait! Sarah is visiting her aunt for 3 days, starting tomorrow. I am visiting my father tomorrow. We are staying overnight. I can't wait to see my father. I swear I haven't seen him since last year (HA! HA!)!

Thank you, thank you! Try the meatloaf! I'll be here all week!

It is so, so fun visiting dad.

1/4/89

Dear Ashley,

Sorry I couldn't take you to Dad's house, but I swear I could not find you. Mom SAID she found you under my mattress. I don't believe her. That excuse is so, so flimsy. I know she wanted to find out my innermost feelings. Too bad she doesn't know where I hide the key! Dad took us out to dinner at McDonald's. I swear he could live there. He always takes us to McDonald's.

Well. If I lived at McDonald's, I'd be pretty grouchy too.

We played Pictionary. I was on Tony's team. Lucy cannot draw. I swear she can't. We watched this movie on T.V. Julie Andrews was in it. She was so, so good. We went to Denny's for breakfast. I swear they have the best food. It was so, so "yummy." "Yummy" is Pesty Lucy's word. Dad brought us home. Then Tony and I watched Lucy while Mom and Dad settled something with the lawyer.

1/5/89

Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not back from her aunt's like she is supposed to be. We are supposed to be going to the movies tomorrow to see TWINS. "It's so, so good!" people tell me.

They are so, so wrong. I swear.

I swear I will kill her if she doesn't get back in time. I went skating with friends today. Tony likes this girl. He kept showing off at the skating rink. Abby kept falling over so then Gretchen got mad and said get off the wall so Abby started crying but she wouldn't get off the ice. She just sort of collapsed. Gretchen kept saying what a baby Abby was. I think it was Gretchen's fault but I didn't tell it. Was it Abby's fault she wasn't steady on her feet? NO!!! Then Gretchen started calling Abby "FATSO" and stuff. So I got really mad and said, "OH shut up and shove it! You're so nosey and you're always picking on other people. JERK!"

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

We aren't speaking to each other anymore.

1/6/88

Dear Ashley,

Pink Pen, Pink Paper. I swear I have been looking all over for this pen. But pink isn't my favorite color. Blue is. A lot of pens have blue ink though. I like wearing blue because it brings out the color in my eyes.

Oh yeah, do you guys want to know what Little Miss "There Are Too Many Jennifers" looks like?


My favorite thing about this picture? No, it's not the suspenders, or the triangle belt, or the Mallory Pike-y apple print shirt. It's not Jen's lopsided face, her over-application of blush, or the fact that she has the hands of an infant. What I like is that it wasn't ME who drew this. NO—according to the monogram in the corner, this stunner was created by one Sarah Betsy Alton.

It snowed real bad out here. Sarah is stranded in some restaurant in the middle of no where. Her aunt was driving her and her 3-year-old brother Adam (he is so, so sweet and cute) home. There was a real bad snow storm. A BLIZZARD!!!!! This old guy found them and let them stay at his restaurant. He lives above in an apartment.

Imagine Sarah's great disappointment when she FINALLY gets stranded due to a blizzard... and ends up in some old dude's restaurant instead of at the house of her beloved. Oh, the humanity.

Her parents called my mom about the movies. I feel so, so sorry for Sarah. I swear I will be nicer now that I know some of the things she's gone through. I don't know if I could've made it safely!

Jen totally would have perished in the old dude's restaurant. Thank God Sarah is so strong! She's a veritable ROCK, that one.

NEXT TIME: The rock gets pneumonia (not so tough after all, eh, Sarah?) and Gretchen gets bitchier.

Friendship: The Book

Once I realized I was writing a series, I knew I had to have a book that would prepare my readers for all of the boy craziness, girl bitchiness, and natural disasters that lay ahead. (All right, all right, so I never made it that far with the disasters. I still feel pretty confident that Friendship lies on a major fault line.)

I needed a Kristy's Great Idea, but by this time I had read Baby-sitters on Board! too, and I was powerless to resist the lure of the Super Special style. I mean, what better way to introduce my 100 characters than to let each of them narrate a chapter? Plus, the abundant narration might help to distract from the fact that my book had no plot. SOLD!

Actually, I'm not entirely sure what the plan was here, but I do have three chapters, each narrated by a different fifth grade girl. Bizarrely, while there are only three chapters, there are actually two drafts of the story in the folder. ?! It looks like I started a rewrite circa sixth grade. The differences between the two manuscripts are pretty negligible, put I'll be sure to point out any amusing changes.

Now, are you guys ready to start fifth grade? Again?

Friendship Books #1: Friendship Begins
#1: SYRA CUSE

Just the ten of us starring mom, dad, Toby, Syra, Gloria, Peter, Evie, Hope, Faith, and Patience Cuse. Today's show is about BBBBBBBIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

The first edit happened right off the bat. Maybe Just the Ten of Us was passé by 1990? I don't know, but I rewrote the opening paragraph as:

I was right in the middle of a very good dream about a fairy godmother who was letting me change my name. "When I say the magic words and tap you on the head with my wand." she said. "You will have a new name." I nodded. "Abracadabra hocus pocus." she chanted. She leaned over and was just about to tap me on the head when-

BBBBBIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

Combined, the intro paragraphs let us know that nothing much has changed with our old friend Syra Cuse: She still has an embarrassingly large family, and she still has an embarrassingly sucky name.

I leaned over and pressed the button to stop my alarm. Why does that always happen to me? Then I remembered, today was the first day of fifth grade and we were starting a new school today because our old one burnt down.

Apparently the school fire was a popular child author plot device. But hey, this presents something of a problem. This is supposed to be the first book in the series (as clearly indicated by the #1), and yet the preadolescent promo material for Syra Cuse describes events that happened prior to this: the Cuses moving to town, the birth of the triplets, etc. What gives? Well, either I was going to iron out these inconsistencies at some later date (probably the same hypothetical point in time at which I was going to finish writing all 852 of these stories) or, like any true series writer, I was prepared to throw chronological caution to the wind. Time was going to pass in Friendship, and at the same time it was not going to pass at all. Fifth grade 4-eva!

I heard mom walk into the bathroom and throw Toby's cat, Kal-Kan out. One of the triplets screamed and mom grumbled. I climbed down off the bunk-bed. I shook my 8½-year-old sister, Gloria. She opened her bright blue eyes and pushed her silky blond hair out of her face. Why didn't I look more like her?

"Friendship." said Gloria. She was wide awake. Friendship is the name of our new school. "I heard your alarm go off."

"Wake up Evie." I said as Gloria bounced out of bed. Evie (Evelyn) just turned 5 and she was starting kindergarten.

I ran into the bathroom [Dude! Mrs. Cuse must be the world's fastest pee-er!] before Toby or Gloria could. Mom was waking up Toby (13) and Peter (6). Peter is the homeless boy we adopted. [Told you so.] He was starting kindergarten too.

I heard my baby sister triplets, Hope, Faith, and Patience gurgling. They are nine months now. Well, 8½.

My mom insisted that the triplets should really be named Faith, Hope, and Charity á la 1 Corinthians 13:13. But I totally ignored her because the Guns N' Roses single "Patience" was hugely popular when I authored this. The Bible or G N' R Lies? Please! There's no contest.

It was then that I noticed that there was rain beating on the house. But there was no thunder or lightning. We get so many bad storms around here, but why today? Of all days? Who knows.

I walked out of the bathroom and mom said, "You're going to walk to school today." I gave her a look and she said, "Go get dressed." [The rewrite changed this to, "Go get dressed, Syra," which allows the next paragraph to actually make sense.]

Oh yeah, you pronounce my name Sara, but my geeky mother thinks it's cute spelling it S-Y-R-A since our last name is Cuse and I was born in Syracuse, New York. We are always moving. We moved here last year. I met Murphy McBrien last year when we were both new and my other friend is Chelsea Burroughs who has lived here almost all her life and is very rich. Some people think she is a snobbishly spoiled brat because she spends her money on clothes. She has very exotic tastes.

Huh, maybe this is why I like Chelsea's outfits. I too must have exotic tastes.

I helped dress Evie and we went down to breakfast. Gloria was long gone.

Dad was reading the newspaper. "The sewer system is clogged and they're supposed to start work tomorrow. Sure hope this rain lets up."

"Hello, my name is Foreshadowing. So nice to meet you!"

Yes, there was going to be a flood. I know this for certain because there's also a sheet of notebook paper in the folder that says:

Ideas:
1) There will be a flood

And that's the only idea. You can see why my stories never got very far.

"Wow." Toby said sarcastically. He is always grumpy when he wakes up. He still looks good. [Um, ew. Thanks, V.C. Andrews. You'll be happy to know that line got the axe in the rewrite.] He used to be real shy and skinny, but over the summer he got some muscle and loosened up. He has blond hair and blue eyes like Gloria.

"TOBEE." whined Evie [the rewrite adds: in her pathetic little voice. So much sisterly love!] "Are you gonna walk me to school?"

"No." I answered. "I am. Toby goes to the middle school."

"I can answer for myself." growled Toby. "I'm in seventh grade and I go to the junior high, but it's right down the street from your school, so I'll walk with you, but I'm going to walk with Chris too." I rolled my eyes, but it was a lie [in the rewrite it's a total lie] because I like Chris. He's stuck-up Michelle Brewer's big brother. He is really cute and popular and started hanging with Toby this summer.

There was a knock on the door. Little Miss Muffet [oooooh, burn!] ran to get it. She opened the door. It was Chris.

"Knocker out of order." giggled Gloria. She think it's hysterical because we don't have a knocker and our doorbell isn't working.

Little Miss Muffet is a big pain. I mean hear is great-looking Chris looking better than ever and Gloria says her stupid joke. I was so embarassed.

Chris just grinned his beautiful smile at Gloria and sat down right across the table from me.

I was dazed.

I'm in love.

Really.

Truly.

L*O*V*E.

Admit it, you guys have missed those asterisks.

#2: Murphy McBrien

KNOCK.

KNOCK.

KNOCK.

Toby opened the door. I turned to oatmeal. No, it was worse than oatmeal. I had melted into a slush puppy!


Now you all know how crappy I am at Photoshop. Actually, I'm lying. I don't even have Photoshop, so I was forced to whip that up in Paint. That's almost as embarrassing as Little Miss Muffet's "knocker out of order" joke. (Which I'm not sure I really get, by the way. Maybe you have to be in elementary school?)

"Come in, Murphy." he muttered. Was that a hint of love I heard there? Probably not. What would a nice, adorable, and sweet seventh grade boy like Toby Cuse be doing with a frizzy headed, clumbsy, boring [crossed out: vengeful!] 5th grade girl like me? Don't answer that.

Well, Murphy may have low self-esteem, but you can't really argue with her about the hair.

"Knocker out of order." Gloria yelled. What a stupid joke. My best friend, Syra, was sitting across the table from and staring at Toby's popular friend, Chris Brewer. He's OK.

My friend Casey recently e-mailed me the following hilarious quote from her elementary school diary, which she used to characterize one of the boys in our class: "He's not a dream boy, but he's not barf." I think this is a genius description, and one I'm going to try to employ more often. Therefore, Chris Brewer: not a dream boy, but not barf.

"Earth to Syra." I said. Syra looked up at me and turned red. She told me about her crush on Chris yesterday.

"Hi, Fee." She said. "Have a seat."

I sat down next to her and Evie and across from Gloria. I didn't want to be that obvious. I glanced at Toby.

Slush puppy, I thought to myself.


"Time to head out." said Mrs. Cuse.

Syra grabbed her backpack and umbrella. My hair was soaked and it must've looked like a frizzy mop from all the rain.

"Your parents actually let you walk over in the rain."

"Yeah." I said to Syra. "They go to work earlier now." My parents are high school teachers. I wanted to stick my frizzy mop head into her hall closet.

"Oh, yeah." said Syra. "Toby and Chris are walking with us today."

I almost fainted.

"OK." I said calmly. "I told Chelsea we'd meet her at the corner."

I can't believe I'll be walking with my dream boy.

I can't believe ANYONE is walking in this weather. What neglectful parents! Plus, who doesn't take their child—not to mention their adopted homeless orphan—to school on their first day of kindergarten? I was under the impression that was a milestone of sorts. Sandra and Carl, you are horrible parents. First the punchline name, and now this.

"Sure thing, Fee." said Syra. How could she act so uninterested?

I won't lose my cool.

The ten of us walked outside. Evie shrieked at the rain. Gloria knocked on the door and used her joke. Peter jumped into a puddle. I slipped and Toby caught me.

My hero.

I think I'm going to melt.

"TOBY AND MURPHY SITTING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G." screamed Gloria. I was blushing furiously. Toby kicked Gloria. [What a sweet seventh grade boy!] He wasn't embarrassed.

It's hopeless.

I have no social life.

I want to sink into a puddle and die.

I really want to die.

I look at Toby.

Well, maybe death can wait!

Chelsea was at the corner, waving furiously. She was wearing a new black and hot pink jacket and a tight black mini skirt.

EXOTIC! Well, exotic dancer maybe?

She gets away with murder. She lives with her dad and he lets her do just about anything she wants. So Chelsea takes advantage of that.

I don't blame her.

We met Chelsea at the corner. She was chattering non stop until Gloria shrieked when the wind blew her dress up.

The wind was so wild now and we all had trouble walking except for Chelsea and the boys. [I don't know what Chelsea's secret is. Her miniskirt has wind-repelling powers, perhaps? She's actually the smallest of the three girls.]

Then it blew Chelsea's hot pink umbrella so far away that it was useless to chase it. Chelsea swore under her breath.

We closed our umbrellas.

There was a sudden gust of wind. I grabbed Peter, Syra grabbed Evie, and Toby grabbed Gloria. All of us ducked under a tree as the wind blew off a large branch that almost landed on Chelsea.

Terrible, terrible parents all around.

There was rumble of thunder and jagged lightning cut through the sky.

Someone across the street screamed.

A cliffhanger!

#3: M*I*C*H*E*L*L*E B*R*E*W*E*R

"Shut up." hissed Ellen, but we were all in hysterics.

I was walking to school for the first time. I had always been bused before, but we lived closer so now I could walk to our new school, Friendship. I was walking with my two best friends, Kristin Seals and Ellen Irving.

Kris had just screamed because she saw the Cuse's, Murphy McBrien, Chelsea Burroughs, and my brother walking to school.

She probably scared the life out of them.

"I wonder," said Kris. "How Syra, Murphy, and Chelsea are actually walking to school with Toby and Chris."

"Me too." breathed Ellen. "They're so cute."

Definitely not barf!

I gagged myself. My brother? Cute?

There must be some mistake.

"You guys are really some gross-outs." I said.

"Oh, give it up, Michelle." said Ellen.

"They're hunks." shrieked Kris [13-year-old hunks, yeow!], but I knew she wasn't too interested in them because she really likes Ryan Lorber.

"Completely." squealed Ellen.

"Gross-out." I muttered.

I glanced over at the Brady Bunch. I noticed Chesty's new outfit, complete with matching coat.

CHESTY?! Having seen the illustrations, I'm going to have to disagree.

"Check out Chesty's clothes." I said. "What a slut."

I promised you girl bitchiness, and by God, I'm going to deliver!

"I know." whispered Ellen. "She is such a spoiled brat."

"What gets on my nerves is her always showing off." said Kris.

"Tell me about it." moaned Ellen.

Crossed-out it says: Now we were tired of gossiping about the Geek-o's, Chesty mainly. That so needs to be added back in.

"Hey Ellen, your mom really let you walk when you might catch a COLD." gasped Kris, changing the subject like she always does.

We all giggled.

Ellen's mom is soooo overprotected.

It's totally grossed-out.

Just so you know, Michelle, your catchphrase is wearing awfully thin.

"Only one more block 'til school." Kris announced.

"You mean Friendship." I reminded her.

"Yeah, Friendship." Kris repeated.

"There is water squishing into my shoes and my toes are all gooey." said Ellen.

"Mine too." agreed Kris.

"You guys are complete and total GROSS-OUTS." I announced.

Okay, that time it was valid.

Ellen and Kris just giggled.

How immature.

Rain started to pour down.

"Raindrops keep falling on my head!" sang Kris.

"Will you two just shut up. You're being really immature and it's not funny." I said.

Oh, blah blah, Michelle. You're TEN! You're not supposed to be mature!

"Oh really." said Ellen. "Well, Miss Perfection, I can see how mature YOU are."

"I know you can." I told her.

"Michelle, give it up already. You're not pretty or sophisticated. You don't even get good grades like me and Kris. You're just one big bossy thinks-she's-perfect snob. Just like Chelsea Burroughs. Maybe even worse." screamed Ellen.

Damn, Ellen! It's like an insult volcano just erupted.

Worse?

Worse than Chesty?

Chesty Burroughs?

The biggests, richest, snobby, show-off, spoiled brat? [This sentence... I don't even know. Biggests?]

WORSE?????

That really did it.

"You are one big baby, Ellen. That's why your mom treats you like one." I said.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER." hissed Ellen. I had never seen her this mad before.

Whoa. Either Ellen forgot to take her antipsychotic this morning, or she has been pissed off at Michelle for, like, years. Anyway, Michelle was clearly insulting Ellen, not her mom. It's not like she busted out with: "Yo momma's so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes." Or "Yo momma's so fat, she makes Shamu look like a tic-tac." Or "Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD."

Okay, okay, I'm stopping.

"I'll talk to you later Kristen." I said as I stomped off.

I'll never speak to her again.

Never.

I can't believe we were ever best friends.

What a brat.

I HATE ELLEN.

And that's where it ends. Although it looks like there was going to be not only a flood, but a DANCE as well. At least that's what this drawing seems to indicate:


Either that or Murphy and Chelsea are handcuffing Syra and carting her off to a fancy-dress girls' prison.

You can see that Chelsea's sugar daddy has once again scored her the best outfit. Syra's dress kind of looks like it went through a paper shredder and got sewn back together. And look! She's still wearing her friendship anklet! But I do like how Murphy and Syra are rocking varying degrees of side pony. Yes, girls, there's totally enough side pony to go around.

And even though this gives us serious proof of Chelsea's lack of chestiness, I will admit that Chesty makes for better name-calling than Little Miss Muffet, The Brady Bunch, and The Geek-o's combined.

NEXT TIME: Holiday-themed journal entries. Because there's no reason why we can't get festive and nostalgic.

Until then, you should definitely check out Deathycat's blog, Cradle to Coffin, for plotless playwriting, poo-filled poetry, and V.C. Andrews books re-enacted by Bratz dolls. It's even awesomer than it sounds.

Janet Started the Fire, Part 1

Almost as soon as I had the idea for this blog, I called my sister, Genie, and begged her to let me publish this story. Seriously. I hadn't read it in years and I hadn't even started the freaking blog, but I had vivid, vivid memories of this story—and nearly all of them induced pee-your-pants-type laughter.

Genie was a year behind me in school, and this was written when she was in fourth grade, making the year either 1988 or 1989. As I said last time, it's untitled, but that does not detract even a millimeter from its hilarity.

Hi, all you people! I'm Janet Smith. I have 2 adorable bunnies. They're dutch. (We think) One is tanish brown, the other is lighter. I used to have like 98 fish, when I was 7½, but, when we moved here mom said, "We shouldn't risk the chance of them dying, why don't we give them to your teacher? She'd love them for a school pet. Don't you think?" I really didn't want to give them up. I had one since I was 3 or 4. I finally agreed to let them take the fish as a school pet. Those fish were my life long friends.

Do you see what I mean? We're only one paragraph in and already it's amazing! Oh, and don't worry, we're going to get the plot in a jiff:

Speaking of friends, I'm an on-off friend for almost everybody. Like, if somebody gets in a fight I'm their friend until they make up, or if somebody's friend went on vacation I play with that person until they come back. No one has ever been my true friend since I was 7, before I moved here. Her name was Susan Kroferman. Sometimes she sends me postcards in the summer from California (That's where she spends her vacation) The only friend I've had for more than a week was Staci Montgomery. We were friends for a month and 9 days. [Not that anyone's counting.] She moved away. Now, I don't have any at all, but there's hope. Tomorrow we're getting a lot of new students because their school had a fire. I can't wait.

She seems a bit gleeful over the other school's misfortune, doesn't she? Genie says she was always super excited when there would be a new kid at school (due to the true friendship potential), so what better than a plot contrivance that creates, like, a JILLION new kids?

Also, I think the substitute friend thing is pretty cute. Mad fourth grade props, Genie!

Today, I woke up real nervous. Mom said I should think about how the new kids feel. I ignored her and put on my new faded jeans, a tee-shirt with black letters that reads:

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GENIUS!

then, I took it off because they'd probably think I had a bad sense of humor, so I put on my tee-shirt that reads:

What A Kid!

I hope I put on this shirt for a reason. Before the bell rings every day we talk, play or you know, WHATEVER! I usually swing on the swing on the left. The farthest to the left. I swing for about 30 minutes every day in the morning. I come to school early with my little sister, Shannon, who is in 2nd grade. She's pretty nice, SOMETIMES.

But, one time when Stacy slept over and she put peanut butter and jelly all over our hairbrushes because I always come into the bathroom and 10:00 or 11:00 at night to brush my hair.

Uh, I know her name is Jan, but that just screams Marcia.

The bell just rang. No one looks NEW. Betsy just walked over. "HI!" I smiled. "So, ya think any rad-lookin' guys are gonna come? I truly hope so, I mean, I'm not going with anyone now, so somebody can ask ME to the dance" she squeaked. "oh, I hope somebody'll ask me to go with them."

We were always hoping there would be a dance in elementary school, but there never was.

"Nobody asked you yet? Boy, I thought you were gonna get asked first I mean you're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pretty but, Sara McClaw got asked by Joe Federer. He's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo CUTE! I thought he was gonna ask you, BYE!" she smiled and walked to her homeroom class swaying her hips from side to side. I was impressed!

BWAH!!! By the way, Joe Federer is like this story's Jordan Catalano. As in, he's hot (uh, fourth grade hot) and usually referred to by his full name. (Actually, for all we know, Joe Federer could also be dyslexic and in a band called Frozen Embryos—he's somewhat of a mystery really.)

I have had a crush on Joe since I started this school. I bet some nerd is going to ask me. Probably Stephen Kinderkofferman. Mrs. Kinderkofferman. GET OUT! He's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, etc. UGLY!

Just so you know, I did not add in the "etc."; it is actually in the manuscript. And I'm counting out the exact number of o's in each sooooooooooooooo. I'm a slave to authenticity.

Oh, god, I'm late for homeroom. GOTTA GO! Mrs. Slater will introduce our new students in Reading at 1:00, a little after lunch in the all-purpose room for an assembly, each student that was chosen will read their speach about our school, next the new students will come on stage and do their speach, time to go to MATH! I didn't know the new kids were going to have to give a speach about themselves, if I had to do that I'd be so shy! I'm usually not shy AT ALL! except when I'm new or something like that. But, if you were really shy you'd be even shyer, I mean in front of a whole grade (4th). I can't wait until after lunch I hope I find my true-friend, SOON!

I love how they have to give speeches. Like, oh, your school burned down, and not only do you have to start over at a new school, you have to stand up in front of the entire grade and give a SPEECH ABOUT YOURSELF. As a terminally shy child, that would have been my nightmare. I had to go to a new school in second grade, and although I didn't have to give any speeches on my first day, someone did steal my lunch, which was quite enough trauma for me, thanks.

(I think) Math was boring, as usual, long division the whole time. BORING! And long division homework. Ms. Parker is my homeroom teacher, Mrs. Long is my math teacher, Ms. Slater for social studies, science and health, and Mrs. Long is also my language Arts teacher. Ms. Slater is nice, (but talks too fast) has LONG brown hair that's curly and the prettiest eyes. Mrs. Long is the perfect teacher except she gives out too much HOMEWORK! Ms. Slater can be nice and sometimes she can be REAL MEAN! She has stringy blondish-brownish hair and hazel eyes. Ms. Long is into poetry. Reading poetry, writing poems, stuff like that. In reading I'll tell you a poem I wrote Monday (today is Wednesday) OH MY GOD! Joe Federer just walked up to me! Oh nevermind, I'm imagining it. DARN! Ms. Slater has a sub it's a man, he's ugly! He has black hair and a big nose. GREAT, he'll have to announce the new students. They'll think all the teachers look like that. GROSS! His name is Mr. Bennett. He just wrote it on the chalkboard with pink chalk in excellent cursive. oh god, Nina, the over developed slob who everybody likes is back from California, she has a great tan. "Hi Nina!" I yelled to her.

So I broke it up, but starting with "I have had a crush on Joe..." that was all ONE PARAGRAPH. (My favorite part: imaginary Joe Federer!) Genie kind of had a stream-of-consciousness style that was ahead of her time. Or at least her age group. But back to Nina, the overdeveloped slob who everybody likes:

"Hi Jan, did I miss anything?" she said in her kind of voice she has when she's talking to boys.

"Yea, we're still doing poetry in Language Arts" - just then somebody pushed in front of me.

"Oh gosh, that was Tony Refter, he's really CUTE" We both said at almost the same time.

"BYE!" she yelled, chasing after him. She's getting better, but she's too popular for me. If I were to hang out with her my legs would hurt so much, because she chases the boys around all the time. I have to go to lunch, I stay. My lunch teacher is Mrs. Gold. She has the best hair to mess around with. First we go outside, then eat. Usually I mess with her hair when we're outside, because 1 time I messed with her hair while I was eating and her hair went all over my whole lunch and I was starving because I didn't want to eat hair. But (this is the only time I'll say this) I can't wait until lunch is over!

Eating hair! Hope I didn't ruin your lunch.

"Hi Janet", Ms. Long said "would you like to guide 1 of our new students around the building? We really need your help."

"Sure! I can't wait!" I said smiling my head off. Ms. Long handed me a sheet of paper with names all over it. But at the top it read:

NEW STUDENTS!

The jillion new students are also an excellent excuse to come up with a buttload of character names.

[Sorry, there's no #1]
#2. Marissa Jintar
#3. Rita Cophr
#4. Lynn Spencer
#5. Burt Gold
#6. Connie Fredricks
#7. Jeff Coburn
#8. Sheriece Penn
#9. Jennifer Moore
#10. Lindsay Cooperman
#11. Micheal Shick
#12. Jason Blackfield
#13. Jeremy Blackfield
#14. Mark Smith
#15. Gary Stone
#16. Patrick Jaffee
#17. Tarrence Turner
#18. Amber Bennett
#19. Mandi Berg

I'll take around-um, I'll look at it again. Sheriece, I'll take around Sheriece Penn. It seems like a nice name. Indoor recess today. It's better than outside. I'll do races. I'm really good at track and running. The last time we had indoor recess I beat Nina, Joe, Teresa, Carla, Mike and Lucy. There's some people you need to meet. First Teresa, I used to sit next to her in Language Arts and Math. She has black hair and brown eyes, she's really funny and is always goofing off. Suzy, who is my patient now. Her best friend Valerie is on vacation until January 21, (today is January 18.) Suzy and Valerie LOVE boys! And always wear matching outfits. Mike is one of those boys that you can only be friends with. I mean we've been friends since I moved here in 2nd grade and I'll tell ya he is so generous. On his birthday he brought in cake and gave me, only me 2 pieces. [So, actually not generous at all...] Somebody told and Mike hit them. He was protecting me. Poor LITTLE me.

Next, Lucy, she's little and thin, very thin! She loves to draw and is good at it, too.

Tammy, oh boy is she a trouble maker. I'll tell ya in 3rd grade on the last day of school she took the cake and put it on our teacher's seat and BOY DID SHE GET IN TROUBLE! She couldn't have any sweets or cake or candy or anything like that.

Technically, I don't think anyone could have cake after that.

Now, Carla, I took gymnastics with her in the summer last year. Also, we took swimming and pottery together in that same summer. My mother & her mother were good friends in that summer. Whenever we were at a class they'd sit at either of our houses and talk about $mOnEy$ or school or boring stuff like that.

Jimmy and Jodi are twins, sometimes on Halloween Jimmy dresses up as Jodi and Jodi dresses up like Jimmy. Jodi is tall, but very pretty. Jimmy looks the same as her except he's cute. They're both REAL TALL, have blonde hair and brown eyes.

And last but not LEAST Ray. Ray has tan hair and a great sense of humor, and is really nice. But usually I don't show that I like him.

If you haven't realized it yet, Jan is kind of a ass.

I had to tell you those names because they'll be in this story later, alright? I think instead of races today I'll talk to Teresa. When you talk to her the time passes quickly. Quicker than when you stand in line to race.

"Hello, Ms. Teresa, what's the matter? Why are you crying?" I asked calmly.

"I just wanted to trick somebody and it worked. HA! I thought you'd know I was faking" she laughed, "Why aren't you racing? You always race and you beat almost everybody that's playing, That's why I never race, because if I lost everybody would make fun of me and then my whole reputation would be ruined,"

"That's not true at all and you know it" I exclaimed

"But last year Mike made fun of me cause I couldn't run as fast as Joe Federer" she said.

"Mike can't even run as fast as Joe and you know that, too!" I almost yelled at Teresa.

"But you can run faster, you can run faster than anybody and YOU know that," she YELLED at me.

"But we're not talking about me and that doesn't matter anyways you can make every body laugh, even when Ms. Slater's in a bad mood you can make her form a smile and sometimes a laugh in seconds" I said, smiling.

The whistle blew [because time flies when you're arguing with Teresa] and Teresa said "Sorry I yelled at you. I'll see you in Language Arts."

"Oh, Sorry I'm not going to be in Language Arts, I'm walking a new student around,"

"Oh, I forgot, too. I'm walking around um Lindsay Cooperman. I'll walk with you and your person. O.K?"

"O.K. BYE!" I ran to my line and walked to the classroom and sat down with Suzy, pulled out my lunch bag and examined a tuna sandwich, doritos, salami and thermos of applejuice. Not the best lunch at all! Oh yea SILENT LUNCH UNTIL NEXT MONDAY, Barfoh! Silent lunch is really DUMB all you do is eat and you can't even mess with Mrs. Gold's hair! Mrs. Slater made silent lunch up. Most of the time Suzy and I make faces at Mrs. Slater. Now Ms. Parker is doing Ms. Slater's job with silent lunch.

You can't even mess with Mrs. Gold's hair? BARFOH! Screw you, silent lunch! Actually, silent lunch only happened if you were baaaaaaaaad, so I wonder what they did. My second grade class drove our lunch monitor, Mrs. Lauderdale, to outright QUIT. I don't recall all of our terror tactics, but I definitely remember one boy "surfing" his desk, and there may have been some taunting songs as well.

"Um, the people that are taking around new students Ms. Long wants to have a speech [I think this correct spelling is actually a typo!] about what places you're going to show them" Ms. Gold explained to us.

Geez, Ms. Long, cool it with the speeches already!

Suzy took Sheriece before I did, the only people left were Amber Bennett and Micheal Shick. I took Amber Bennett. I hope she really is better than Micheal Shick.

I think I'll leave you with that crazy cliffhanger.

NEXT TIME: The results of the Amber Bennett/Michael Shick showdown! Plus, all the kids make their speaches. And if you think this story couldn't get any better, you are SO WRONG!