No boy bands allowed

Do we have to talk about how long I've been gone? I've been gone a long time. A long, looooong time. The past two months were unexpectedly busy, but now it looks like I will—just as unexpectedly—have a lot more time on my hands. This is probably bad news for my bank account, but hopefully good news for the blog. So... yay?

This installment of Every Picture Tells a Story was probably drawn during the height of my obsession with wanting to form a band. (Third grade? Fourth grade? Did I ever STOP want to form a band? Do I STILL want to form a band, even though I would now be in the 26th grade? The answers are probably, maybe, definitely not, and oh hells yes, respectively.)

Behold the titular girls of Girls Only, a band whose members sky-rocketed to fame after they adopted questionable pseudonyms and started rocking malls across the U.S. of A.:

Where to start? How about the band's obvious leader, Sax-o? And if you don't think a saxophone player could be the key component to a band, you clearly do not remember the '80s, wherein there was at least one gratuitous sax solo in every song, sometimes two. I think Reagan may have signed it into law at some point. What I'm saying is, the '80s? They were saxy. Like, this is what a saxophone player looked like in 1987:

Body grease courtesy of i-mockery.com.

Well, this and the littlest orphan girl on Rags to Riches, who I totally would have pulled a Single White Female on, except I was nine and Single White Female wouldn't come out for another five years.

After the '80s? Dudes with saxophones looked like this:

Small favor: At least Kenny wasn't into the "g-string with chain belt" look.

Plus you can tell Sax-o was the brains behind this operation because I drew a heart around her and gave her a rad belly shirt in the Before drawing:

You can't have an entire band of Plain Janes; someone has order the side ponytails. And I don't see any hologram-generating supercomputers around here—do you? Plus, it's really impressive that Cindy is a sax player WITHOUT ANY ARMS. Do you see arms? Or just copious hair? Observe her post-makeover:

NARY AN ARM TO BE FOUND! But who needs 'em when you have giant segmented pigtails and a saxophone that strongly resembles a fat banana? I kind of don't want to know how she keeps that thing in her mouth.

Sax-o's partner in coolness is Keys—which, quite frankly, I could only tell because of the handy heart encircling enhearting. Tell me, was slicking your bangs back with an eyebrow-level headband ever fashion-forward?

You are treading dangerously close to Geordi La Forge territory, my friend.

It seems like it would be hard to play the piano with hooves for hands, but this band does have an armless saxophone player, and that one-armed drummer from Def Leppard seemed to do all right for himself, so who am I to judge? You can see that Keys' awesomeness only increased when she started wearing choir robes instead of real clothing:

That has to be a keyboard, right? I mean, her name is friggin' Keys, not Desks.

If I could pick Sax-o's second-in-command again, I probably would go with Dray, because she looks kind of like Joan Jett:

Also loves rock 'n' roll.

You'd think that the addition of a drum kit would make her a total badass, but...

Noooooo! Make it stop!

Yeah, someone (read: me) forgot the "kit" part. It's like she swiped this from a drum circle on her way back from a scuba lesson. (Those are flippers she's wearing, are they not?) And just in case you guys didn't know what a flower drum song sounds like, it's this: "bom bom." The saxophone and the keyboard, they make music. The drum? Bom bom.

Next we have Getta, who looks a little like one of the girls in One Crazy Summer who got slapped on the back and discovered her face really would stay like that:

Sax-o: "Want to join our band?"

Keys: "Don't look so surprised. You can play... um... a large string instrument?"

WHAT IS THAT THING? A bass that must be played violin-style? And what kind of advanced yogi shit is she doing with her arms? Does anyone in this band have normal appendages?!

Then we have the Commitmentettes TrayLaas, identical triplets who could sorely use some advice from the author of Curly Girl:

After? They're basically the honky version of Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors. (Yes, our taped-off-of-HBO copy of Little Shop had its fair share of viewings.) Oh, and on top of being white, they also have wilty, singing beehives.

Wilty beehives: "Feed us, Sax-o!"

And finally? Minnie. Actually, stop the presses, er, blog-publishing mechanism! Was I wrong? Was Minnie always the one in charge? Because she doesn't even merit a "Before" drawing, that's how frappin' sophis she is. You can tell because she has CLEAVAGE.

Oooo indeed.

She also has a scary man-arm (maybe she's been stealing everyone else's limbs and somehow injecting them into her right arm? ...or else she's an avid bowler?) and a bizarre Princess-Leia-meets-Orthodox-Jewish-fellow hairstyle, but? Forgivable. Because she has a fancy dress on and CLEAVAGE. Have I mentioned the cleavage?

Sadly, we can only imagine the amazing music produced when saxophone, keyboard, conga drum, bassolin, saggy beehives, and cleavage at last meet.

NEXT TIME: Rabbits in fishnets. I so, so, SO wish I was joking.

Getting the band back together

By fourth grade I was pretty serious about my burgeoning career as a YA author—but that didn't stop me from moonlighting as a singer/songwriter (emphasis on the "songwriter," because I wasn't all that great at the actual singing part). What I was great at, however, was keeping all of my rock 'n' roll paraphernalia in one spot—namely, this 1985 "Jukebox Junkie" folder, which features an onslaught of rainbow-colored records inexplicably hurtling through the air like ninja stars. Notice how I reinforced the spine with duct tape, because that's how integral the folder was to my songwriting endeavors.


The inside pockets of the folder contain a glossary of computer terms. ?! Oh, 1985, you're so adorable!

The "band" (we'll be using that term extremely loosely, as the band members' combined instrument-playing ability was limited to a duet of "Heart and Soul" on the piano—a talent that my friend Jessica wisely exploited by penning a song set to the tune of "Heart and Soul") went through several incarnations in fourth and fifth grade.

Band #1:

People in the band:
1. Katie
2. Jessica
3. Sada [I love how I listed myself THIRD.]
4. Aja
5. Leah
6. Sherron

Names for our band [and the name of the amazingly clever band member behind it]:
1. New Sensation - Sada [Thanks, INXS.]
2. Everlasting Dream - Katie
3. The Dreamers - Katie
4. Lightning Streak - Sada
5. Rainbow Splash - Sada
6. Super Shades - Katie
7. Sparklers - Katie
8. Girls will be Girls - Sada
9. Pazazz - Aja
10. Mysterious - Katie
11. Sugar Babies - Aja
12. The Jump Clique - Aja [I'm pretty sure this was based on a T-shirt Aja owned.]
13. The Twelve Footsteps - Leah

According to my notes, Super Shades, Girls will be Girls, Pazazz, and Sugar Babies each received one vote, but as you read in my diary, Girls will be Girls ended up the overall favorite. Tough luck, Mysterious!

Songs for our band [and the songwriter, natch]:
1. He said he's gone - Sada
2. I gotta get outta this now - Sada
3. She thinks she's so hot - Sada
4. Walking down the street - Jessica
5. No One - Sada
6. Somewhere - Sada

So you've heard the old adage "write what you know." The problem is, that's extremely difficult to do when you're in fourth grade and you're trying to compose a love song. Have you ever tried to work in lyrics about how your true love got switched to another class and oh-so meaningfully asked you whether you were glad? It's tricky. But at any rate, I felt I could empathize with those who had loved and lost.

He said he's gone

He said he's gone. Why did he have to leave me? He said he's gone. Why did he have to go? 'Cause I miss him and he just said he's gone.

Is it because of some other girl or didn't I treat him right? Why can't he just come back and see that I'm the one for him?

He said he's gone. Why did he have to leave me? He said he's gone. Why did he have to go? 'Cause I miss him and he just said he's gone.

Why does everyone keep following me and asking me what's wrong? Why can't he just come back and see that I'm the one for him?

He said he's gone. Why did he have to leave me? He said he's gone. Why did he have to go? 'Cause I miss him and he just said he's gone.
He said he's gone.
He said he's gone.
He said he's gone.
Forever.

This one is kind of screwed from the get-go. Who says they're gone? Can you imagine that conversation? "So, you know how I just broke up with you? I'm worried you might be a little confused, so let me clear things up for you: I'm gone. No, seriously. I'm gone. Like, forever." Ouch. Also, the "Why can't he just come back and see that I'm the one for him?" line is so pathetic it makes me squirm a little.

The next song is heavy on the repetition, light on the explanations:

I gotta get outta this now

I hope that I can get out of this mess. Seems like I'm always stuck in the middle. I gotta get outta this now. I really have to get out of this now. I gotta get out now.

You got me into this mess. Now you're gonna get me out. Seems like you always stick me in the middle. Now it's my turn to get outta this now.

I hope that I can get out of this mess. Seems like I'm always stuck in the middle. I gotta get outta this now. I really have to get out of this now. I gotta get out now.

I really thought I could trust you. Now I know I was wrong. Seems like you're always usin' me just to get to him or her. I gotta get outta here now.

I hope that I can get out of this mess. Seems like I'm always stuck in the middle. I gotta get outta this now. I really have to get out of this now. I gotta get out now.

So many unanswered questions. Who am I singing to? What exactly does the mess entail? All we know is that:
a) There's a mess.
b) I'm stuck in said mess. And not on the fringes, but directly in the middle.
c) I gotta get out. Like, ASAP.

"She Thinks She's So Hot," on the other hand, was written about a specific girl in my fourth grade class. Looking back, she was a bit of a priss, but I don't recall the "I'm so hot" attitude or wardrobe malfunctions that this song describes.

She thinks she's so hot

She thinks she's so hot. What is her problem? She thinks she's so hot. What the heck is wrong with her now? She just thinks she's so hot.

Look at that skirt, up way too high. Look at that shirt, gonna fall off. How can she be dressed like that in public?

She thinks she's so hot. What is her problem? She thinks she's so hot. What the heck is wrong with her now? She just thinks she's so hot.

With the stroke of her hand she can win the boys' hearts over, she thinks. She can do anything if she puts her mind to it, she thinks. Why does she think such things?

She thinks she's so hot. What is her problem? She thinks she's so hot. What the heck is wrong with her now? She just thinks she's so hot. She thinks she's so hot.

Yes, my self-esteem was so low that I resorted to picking on girls who exhibited actual confidence.

Next we have "No One," a song that contains at least one attempt at rhyming and a dramatic usage of the CAPS lock.

NO ONE

I GUESS I'M JUST LONELY,
LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY.
I GUESS YOU WERE STANDING BEFORE ME,
STANDING IN MY WAY.
AND YOU DON'T-

NO ONE KNOWS (no one knows),
THE WAY I FEEL (way I feel).
THE WAY I FEEL INSIDE (way I feel inside. Inside.)

I GAVE YOU 1, 2, 3, CHANCES AND YOU
RUINED THEM ALL.
IT TOOK US TOO LONG TO REALIZE,
WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
AND YOU DON'T-

NO ONE KNOWS (no one knows),
THE WAY I FEEL (way I feel).
THE WAY I FEEL INSIDE (way I feel inside. Inside.)

NOW I'M SITTING HERE CRYING (ooo-ooo-ooo),
AND I'M SURE YOU'RE SOMEWHERE DOIN' THE SAME
THING (ooo-ooo-ooo).
IT'S ALL BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS THE WAY WE FEEL
INSIDE (Inside. Inside. Inside.).

Oh man. I did believe that no one knew the way I felt inside, though God knows there were no boys anywhere crying their eyes out over me (oooh oooh oooh).

Finally, we have "Somewhere," which owes perhaps a small debt to a certain Russian immigrant mouse. Yeah, there's even a line that begins "Somewhere out there..."

Somewhere

Somewhere is a special place,
Somewhere out there I know you're waiting for me
and with the look on your face,
there's no other place I'd like to be.

Somehow something went wrong,
it was just the human race.
Somewhere you're singing a song,
and I can't see your face.

Somewhere is a special place,
Somewhere out there I know you're waiting for me
and with the look on your face,
there's no other place I'd like to be.

Somewhere in that special place you're
waiting for me.
and I'm sitting here waiting for you.

For those of you who were thinking that at least we'd be sleeping underneath the same big sky and/or wishing on the same bright star, SORRY, but not in my song. In my song, the only one singing a lonesome lullaby is the possibly faceless dude I'm trying to meet up with. Well, "trying" might be a stretch. Mostly I just seem to be moping about the fact that I just... can't... get... to... him, for whatever reason. Thanks for nothing, human race!

Band #2:

Six band members may have resulted in too many cooks in the kitchen (or rather, too many "Heart and Soul" players on the piano bench), so we scaled it back.

The Go-go's

Soooo uninspired. What happened to Super Shades?

President: Jessica
Vice President: Katie
Treasurer: Sada

That's right, I was the band treasurer. You are so jealous.

What do we do?

Katie - vocals/keyboards
Jessica - vocals/keyboards
Sada - vocals

My, were we an eclectic group. You better watch your ass, Jane Wiedlin!

Band #3:

In fifth grade we tried the six-person band again. This time we ditched all but the best of the original tunes and focused instead on covers. Apparently our main influences were:

• Rags to Riches. I think that goes without saying.
  
• The Dirty Dancing soundtrack. During the summer between fourth and fifth grade, my friend Sherron and I worked out several elaborate dance routines to this soundtrack. I believe there were lifts involved.
• Paula Abdul. Because it was 1988.
  
• Carole King. I was way into Really Rosie, and everyone's parents seemed required by law to own a copy of Tapestry on vinyl.
  

The Groups name; Cool & Clutzy

I think Sherron was the brains behind this band name. Here's what I'm not sure about: Were all of the band members considered simultaneously cool and klutzy, or were some of us designated klutzes while the rest of the band was cool?

The Groups Performers:
Sada
Sherron
Jessica
Casey
Katie
Mendi

The Songs The Group Hopes To Sing:
"I'VE The Time Of My Life"
"Straight Up"
"Be My Baby"
"I Feel the Earth Move"
"So Far Away"
"Walking Down The Street"
"Somewhere"
"I Love Him"
"Born To Be Wild"
"To Know Him"
"Hey Baby"

High Pitched Voices [uh, also known as sopranos]:
Sherron
Jessica
Sada [For the record, I'm an alto.]

I got back into the songwriting in seventh grade with classics such as "Luv" and "I Hate Cupid" (featuring the catchy chorus "Die, die, Cupid, die"). It took several more years before I would finally admit that I have little to no musical talent. In adulthood, the closest I've come to rock stardom is dating an array of musicians. And karaoking "Hot Blooded."

NEXT TIME: Gossip Central, the first chapter book of fifth grade, features more clueless parents and electronics-loving elementary schoolers. And an entire club devoted to spying for no apparent reason. Get ready!

Edit: I managed to find some elementary-era photos of myself without involving my mom and the USPS, so those are going up next. Then it's back to the literature!