Monday, April 26, 2010

Show Me the Bunny

You know how when you were a kid, having a favorite animal was a Really Big Deal? And every time you'd be at a carnival or a gift shop or Carlton Cards at the mall, you'd pester your mom into letting you buy a miniature version of that animal? And you'd keep the entire collection on your bedroom wall in a wooden curio shelf shaped like a house? Well, for me that animal was the rabbit.

For full effect, imagine this filled with tiny, tacky bunnies.

So obviously, when we had to write an animal report in third grade, I chose to research rabbits. I enigmatically titled the report "Rabbits: Breeds of Rabbits and other things about them."

The report's cover rabbit. Note: Those are paws, not a pair of saggy bunny boobs.

This report was chock full of information. Did you know that rabbits aren't rodents, because rodents have two pairs of front teeth whereas rabbits have only one? Or that rabbits differ from hares because rabbits give birth to ugly, hairless little creatures with closed eyes while hares have attractive, furry newborns that can see?

On the other hand, I may have included a bit TOO MUCH information. One of the "other things" I felt it necessary to (over)share about rabbits? If they eat too many greens they will get diarrhea. Seriously. This report has the word diarrhea in it.

A large part of the reason for my bunny love was that my sister and I were the proud owners of our own big-toothed boxes of hair. Realistically, owning rabbits should have made us despise them. Our rabbits (unconventionally named Bun-bun and Cottontail) seemed to fear for their lives whenever we got within 10 feet of them and would use any means necessary to avoid human contact. This made the normal things you do with a pet—like, I don't know, petting them—exceedingly difficult.

Me in a dress straight outta Oleson's Mercantile, Cottontail (that damn Bun-bun was next to impossible to catch!), and my sister.

Because this report was about breeds of rabbit (and other things about them), I note that Cottontail is "probably Dutch." As you can tell, it was an extremely scientific report. It also has illustrations on the right way to hold a rabbit...

You can see I was used to rabbits expressing abject terror when handled.

...and the wrong way to hold a rabbit (which I noted as my preferred method—whatever, "professionals"):

"Most books don't say to hold them this way, but I do anyway."

Then I compare the Angora and Dutch rabbit breeds. Third-grade conclusion?
Angoras and Dutches are very different. (If you were wondering, I got an A+ on this project. 32-year-old conclusion: I could make a KILLING ghostwriting reports for third graders.)

Here's the Angora:

And here's the Dutch:

But what does all of this rabbitry have to do with my burgeoning writing career? Well, learning about the different rabbit breeds inspired me to draft a book about animals. Anthropomorphic animals. Very fashionable, hip, and emotional anthropomorphic animals. Chapter 1? BUNNIES. (And don't get your hopes up—there is no Chapter 2.)

First stop on our Tour de Rabbit Breeds is the cottontail. Cottontail was not just the name of our pet rabbit, it's also a breed! Kind of like how Cy Sperling's not just the president of the Hair Club for Men, he's also a client. For comparative purposes, here's a photo of a real-life cottontail rabbit:

Image found here.

And here's my version, Cool Carrie Cottontail:

Because even when I drew a friggin' rabbit, it ended up looking like a prostitute.

You can see that the actual, factual cottontail rabbit has neither a pig snout, false eyelashes, nor fishnet stockings. Hell, it doesn't even have high heels or little ribbons on its ears! However, the jury's still out on its ability to duplicate choreography from Saturday Night Fever.

Next we have my version of the Dutch rabbit:

Image found here.

Dancing Denise Dutch (oh, the alliteration!) looks less like a sex worker and more like a reject from Breakin' 2: Bunny Bugaloo:

"Out of my way, fools! There are rec centers to be saved! With BREAK DANCING!"

Is it just her markings, or is Denise wearing some sort of facial sling? Maybe her jaw was breakin' also (zing!). But I stick by my theory that she has on fingerless gloves and fashionably holey tights. And maybe a prison-issued muumuu?

But my favorite here is the Angora. Which, once again, in actuality looks like this:

Image found here.

Mine, on the other hand? That'd be Angry Amy Angora:

Yeah, Amy (once again with a pig nose; though I owned a rabbit, I seem to have had no idea what their little sniffers looked like) is pouting huffily in a chair. Meanwhile, she has scrawled "I HATE YOU! Sincerely, Amy" on the ground. Man! I wonder what Passive-Aggressive Paula Patagonian would have looked like...

NEXT TIME: Why I never drew boys.

Before I end this, I'd like to give a big thank you to everyone who has been following 30 is the new 13 in spite of my spotty updating. Chronic arm pain and blogging don't really mix, but what can I say? I'm a rebel. A very sore-armed rebel. Also, I know about 800 of you (or maybe five?) are waiting to be guest authors, and I want you to know I haven't forgotten you! I'm planning to have some guest author posts up soon—although, considering my recent record, "soon" may be a subjective term. I'll do my best!


Alison said...

The part about the rabbits fearing for their lives whenever you were nearby really hit home. I have a two-inch emo kid scar proving just how much my former pet rabbit wanted to avoid human contact.

I would have given you an A on that report, too.

Amanda said...

I should know better than to read this blog at work... yet I still do, and have to nearly choke on laughter. Every. Time.

Anonymous said...

HA! I love this post! The only experience I've had with rabbits, besides seeing them dangling from the cat's jaws, was when I wandered away from some kind of awards banquet I was supposed to be attending in high school, and found my biology teacher preparing to lead his 4H rabbit club. He had a rabbit on his desk that he was raising for food, and he invited me to feel how meaty he was (he was really meaty--you couldn't feel his bones at all). The point is, you were really sharp at 8 years old to realize that a rabbit spends its whole life in a constant state of mortal terror!!

zanne said...

I have to agree with Amanda--I always read this at work and it's so hard to not burst out laughing!

Loved the report. Definitely an A+!

I totally remember how having a favorite animal when you were little was a big deal. I think it kinda still is. ;) I always switched my favorite animal though. I know at one point it was cats, then it was penguins (I think it drove my mom crazy that I kept changing my mind) then at some point it became dolphins & has been dolphins ever since. I remember my brother's favorite was raccoons, so those were off-limits for me to like. ha.

Don't feel bad about not updating more--I am much worse! I do love your blog though. It's one of my favorites.

KC Race said...

Is Cool Carrie wearing...fishnets?!?

Speaking of inappropriately dressed rabbits, I'm from Philadelphia and our basketball (76ers) team's mascot is Hip-Hop....a gangsta rabbit who looks like he just got out of jail, where he pumped iron in the yard plotting revenge on the snitch who got him locked up. Here he is:

Beth said...

Did we live the same life? I had two rabbits growing up, creatively named Fluffy (a dwarf lop) and Cottonball (an angry angora.) They also lived in abject terror of human contact and would scratch me mercilessly if I attempted to handle them. Strangely enough, that experience didn't keep me from again adopting a rabbit as an adult, and for 7 years I was mama to Bailey, the world's greatest foot-nuzzling bunny. Turns out that when you take the time to properly care for them and get them to trust you, rabbits make really great pets. Who knew?

Love the drawings and the picture of you in the dress. Sucks that blogging causes you pain, but I'm glad you're a rebel! One of the funniest blogs around, always good to see an update.

Stephanie said...

The line about the rabbit looking like a prostitute in her fishnets made me burst out roommate asked me what I was laughing at, and all I could do was point at the picture :)

Sadako said...

Hilarious! your "breeds of rabbit" title would so fit in with so many academic papers (b/c of all the colons).

Also loved the rabbit prostitute!

littemoon2 said...

Long time follower, first time commenter here.

Love, love this. Unfortunley I never had a bunny after a gerbil went rapid on my first Christmas.

Anyways, as I was scrolling down, I noticed a face looking at me. Right in the `Wrong way to hold`, there`s a face in the little circle thingy.

totally thought I was going crazy, lol

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

So much to comment on, but that wooden curio shelf, wow. I had completely forgotten about those. Mine was full of thimbles shaped like cats. I was an old lady before I even turned ten.

Fear Street said...

These bunny pictures are making me spew baby talk at my computer screen. Yes, I'm one of THOSE people :p

middleagedwaitress said...

There is nothing funnier than your illustrations. The rabbit prostitute- I almost died!
Who knew that bunnies could be so damn funny?

Adam's Clayton said...

Ah, drawing pig bunnies in fishnets... so nostalgic. Wait.

Amiee said...

I also kept trying to hold in the laughter while at work! Loved the dutch bunny too.

carissa said...

BAHAHA i loved this!! You're quite the artist. I freaking love your blog so much.

Pana said...

This post made me laugh embarrassingly out loud at work - TWICE.

Oh man, that picture of the right way to hold the Pikachu looking rabbit is FANTASTIC. It looks like it even has a handle - and you know, THAT WOULD HELP.

I had a bunny as a kid and the memories of YAY A BUNNY! followed by the bunny never wanting me to touch him warm my heart.

Hmmmph! indeed, Amy.

Sada said...

Alison: That's fitting, because rabbits seem pretty emo. Page 4 should be Emo Emily English Lop. She'd wear a lot of eyeliner and have bangs that cover half of her face. Man, I so need a third grader to commission drawings from.

Amanda: I'm sorry. Whore-y rabbits are definitely NSFW.

Anonymous: If only my parents had been that sharp! Animals that live in a constant state of mortal terror don't really make the best pets for 8-year-olds.

Zanne: My current favorite animal is the hedgehog (because seriously, how cute is a hedgehog?), but I've managed to ditch the curio shelf.

KC Race: WOW. Just... WOW. A rabbit in a do-rag? I have no words. Hey, are you maybe sensing a love connection between Hip Hop and Dancing Denise Dutch? I think there could be something there...

Beth: So you're saying you've actually PETTED a rabbit? I'm so jealous! Maybe our childhood rabbits were just retaliating against the ridiculous names we gave them?

Stephanie: Thank you for sharing fishnet-wearing rabbits with your friends and loved ones!

Sadako: What can I say? I was a third-grade academian... who drew rabbits in fishnets.

littemoon2: Ha, I wondered if anyone would notice that! It's my sister's eye (from our photo op with Cottontail) peeking through from the next page. Also, RABID CHRISTMAS GERBIL?! You must tell me more!

Steamy: Thimbles shaped like cats?! How adorably utilitarian! My rabbits were mostly ceramic or cheap-plastic-covered-with-hair-that-resembled-pube-trimmings.

Fear Street: That's fine, as long as you don't waste your baby talk on Cottontail. Or Angry Amy Angora, for that matter.

middleagedwaitress: Thank you! I know, I certainly didn't grasp the comedic value of rabbits when I was eight. They were a Very Serious Business... that would scratch the crap out of you if you weren't careful.

Adam's Clayton: It's true. Nothing says third grade like a pig bunny in fishnets.

Amiee: Please don't get fired over a rabbit prostitute! NOT WORTH IT!

Carissa: Thank you! I actually wanted to be an art teacher when I grew up. I feel like I could have taught a pretty good class on how to add fishnets to any drawing.

Pana: Isn't it sad how quickly YAY A BUNNY! could be eclipsed by heartache and misery? Also, YES! Rabbits would be much better if they were shaped like bowling bags. Get on the ball, evolution!

Children of the 90s said...

I'll admit I kind of thought those were saggy bunny boobs. Nonetheless, this is totally hilarious.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

i see based on Cool Carrie Cottontail, this was not only an enlightening, but also highly informative report. who would have known rabbits prefer fishnets over standard nylons?

not me.

VividLife said...

Ha! I love it! You are hilarious. My kind of girl 8-) I am sure I will be

Actual Tests said...
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