Thursday, April 8, 2010

No boy bands allowed

Do we have to talk about how long I've been gone? I've been gone a long time. A long, looooong time. The past two months were unexpectedly busy, but now it looks like I will—just as unexpectedly—have a lot more time on my hands. This is probably bad news for my bank account, but hopefully good news for the blog. So... yay?

This installment of Every Picture Tells a Story was probably drawn during the height of my obsession with wanting to form a band. (Third grade? Fourth grade? Did I ever STOP want to form a band? Do I STILL want to form a band, even though I would now be in the 26th grade? The answers are probably, maybe, definitely not, and oh hells yes, respectively.)

Behold the titular girls of Girls Only, a band whose members sky-rocketed to fame after they adopted questionable pseudonyms and started rocking malls across the U.S. of A.:


Where to start? How about the band's obvious leader, Sax-o? And if you don't think a saxophone player could be the key component to a band, you clearly do not remember the '80s, wherein there was at least one gratuitous sax solo in every song, sometimes two. I think Reagan may have signed it into law at some point. What I'm saying is, the '80s? They were saxy. Like, this is what a saxophone player looked like in 1987:

Body grease courtesy of i-mockery.com.

Well, this and the littlest orphan girl on Rags to Riches, who I totally would have pulled a Single White Female on, except I was nine and Single White Female wouldn't come out for another five years.

After the '80s? Dudes with saxophones looked like this:


Small favor: At least Kenny wasn't into the "g-string with chain belt" look.

Plus you can tell Sax-o was the brains behind this operation because I drew a heart around her and gave her a rad belly shirt in the Before drawing:

You can't have an entire band of Plain Janes; someone has order the side ponytails. And I don't see any hologram-generating supercomputers around here—do you? Plus, it's really impressive that Cindy is a sax player WITHOUT ANY ARMS. Do you see arms? Or just copious hair? Observe her post-makeover:


NARY AN ARM TO BE FOUND! But who needs 'em when you have giant segmented pigtails and a saxophone that strongly resembles a fat banana? I kind of don't want to know how she keeps that thing in her mouth.

Sax-o's partner in coolness is Keys—which, quite frankly, I could only tell because of the handy heart encircling enhearting. Tell me, was slicking your bangs back with an eyebrow-level headband ever fashion-forward?


You are treading dangerously close to Geordi La Forge territory, my friend.

It seems like it would be hard to play the piano with hooves for hands, but this band does have an armless saxophone player, and that one-armed drummer from Def Leppard seemed to do all right for himself, so who am I to judge? You can see that Keys' awesomeness only increased when she started wearing choir robes instead of real clothing:

That has to be a keyboard, right? I mean, her name is friggin' Keys, not Desks.

If I could pick Sax-o's second-in-command again, I probably would go with Dray, because she looks kind of like Joan Jett:

Also loves rock 'n' roll.

You'd think that the addition of a drum kit would make her a total badass, but...

Noooooo! Make it stop!

Yeah, someone (read: me) forgot the "kit" part. It's like she swiped this from a drum circle on her way back from a scuba lesson. (Those are flippers she's wearing, are they not?) And just in case you guys didn't know what a flower drum song sounds like, it's this: "bom bom." The saxophone and the keyboard, they make music. The drum? Bom bom.

Next we have Getta, who looks a little like one of the girls in One Crazy Summer who got slapped on the back and discovered her face really would stay like that:

Sax-o: "Want to join our band?"
Keys: "Don't look so surprised. You can play... um... a large string instrument?"


WHAT IS THAT THING? A bass that must be played violin-style? And what kind of advanced yogi shit is she doing with her arms? Does anyone in this band have normal appendages?!

Then we have the Commitmentettes TrayLaas, identical triplets who could sorely use some advice from the author of Curly Girl:


After? They're basically the honky version of Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors. (Yes, our taped-off-of-HBO copy of Little Shop had its fair share of viewings.) Oh, and on top of being white, they also have wilty, singing beehives.

Wilty beehives: "Feed us, Sax-o!"

And finally? Minnie. Actually, stop the presses, er, blog-publishing mechanism! Was I wrong? Was Minnie always the one in charge? Because she doesn't even merit a "Before" drawing, that's how frappin' sophis she is. You can tell because she has CLEAVAGE.

Oooo indeed.

She also has a scary man-arm (maybe she's been stealing everyone else's limbs and somehow injecting them into her right arm? ...or else she's an avid bowler?) and a bizarre Princess-Leia-meets-Orthodox-Jewish-fellow hairstyle, but? Forgivable. Because she has a fancy dress on and CLEAVAGE. Have I mentioned the cleavage?

Sadly, we can only imagine the amazing music produced when saxophone, keyboard, conga drum, bassolin, saggy beehives, and cleavage at last meet.

NEXT TIME: Rabbits in fishnets. I so, so, SO wish I was joking.

13 comments:

Lorelai said...

In Cindy's defence, arms (especially hands) are hard to draw. (Oh, and the captcha for my comment is "handi", which is coincidental.)

I wanted to be in a band growing up as well, but it was (ashamedly) something akin to a Pussycat Doll. My friends and I used to put a tape deck on the windowsill and perform dances in the playground. Since I now have a Brandon Walsh-esque relationship with dancing, I think the experience may have scarred me.

middleagedwaitress said...

I am laughing so hard that tears are pouring down my face. That is the best thing I have seen in years.. "bom bom" WTH??? Love everything about this- you are my new hero!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you're back! Please don't leave us again.

This post has two things I love deeply: 80's girl bands and makeovers. If you would ever like a guest blogger, I have an unpublished diary entry from 6th grade that goes into a convoluted tale of forming a girl group with a few of my friends and having it all go horribly wrong. I bet you could come up with some stellar illustrations and commentary. :)

Anonymous said...

Oops, Anonymous = damiella from metadiary.wordpress.com/

zanne said...

Hilarious! I am at work and I'm trying so hard to not burst out laughing!

Amy said...

Oh my God, I am actually literally laughing out loud... which, for the amount of times I type it, you'd think I did way more often than I actually do. I'm so glad I found your blog!

Children of the 90s said...

Oh my God, this is amazing. We all wanted to be in a band somewhere around 5th or 6th grade...I'm sure somewhere in my families basement lie stacks of similar drawings complete with song lists and costume change suggestions. The memories...

Sada said...

Lorelai: Drawing hands was The Worst Ever. (Way to rub it in, Blogger captcha!) This was obviously before I mastered the technique of drawing everyone with their hands behind their backs. I don't know how one would play a saxophone that way, but I'll bet Sax-o could surprise us. And playground dancing! You guys were brave. We choreographed most of our routines in dark enclosed spaces where no one would ever, ever see us.

middleagedwaitress: Thank you! I'm sorry I made you cry?

damiella: Is that a trick question? I'd LOVE to have you as a guest author! And my illustrative abilities haven't really improved since sixth grade, so it would be perfect!

Zanne: This blog might only be semi-safe for work.

Amy: Ha. Thanks! I'm glad you did too!

Children of the '90s: Costume changes!!! I knew there was something missing from these sketches! *cough*Guest author post*cough*

KT aka Hardy the Valentine Horse said...

Welcome back - my friends and I did actually make a band, called "Social Underground" (wooooh, so edgy!) We played a Dead Milkmen song and a Camper Van Beethoven song at the 8th grade talent show in 1990, in between lip-synchs of Debbie Gibson (Electric Youth!) and KKOTB (Hangin' Tough!). No costume changes but we were so.proud. of our "wacky!" clothing. Our keyboardist wore a beret! :)

Cory said...

Awesome post, as usual. I would be a little bit salty that it's taken so long, but A) I understand that you have a life, and B) my own blog has been woefully neglected due to my own extreme busyness, and I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black here.

Anyways, glad you're back.

Cory said...

P.S. I vaguely remember almost starting a band in elementary school. My friends, sister, and I discussed it on the bus for a week or so, and I think we broke up because we couldn't decide on a band name. They wanted Q13, which I promptly vetoed...I guess you could say I was the token troublesome member of the group. I think it was probably for the best though: If I remember correctly, I was supposed to be the singer of the group, so I think the world should be thanking me for sparing them that torture.

Sadako said...

I'm glad you came back but I keep hoping for more. Will you update again?

Sada said...

KT: Berets? That IS edgy. And underground. Socially.

Cory: Wait, you guys had members who WEREN'T singers? You were like an actual fake band!

Sadako: Thanks! I have one in the works as we type...