Friday, February 5, 2010

Prostitution People

This picture tells a story beloved by schlocky film execs everywhere: mousy introvert gets contact lenses, a miniskirt, and instant popularity! It's titled (what, you guys didn't title your fourth grade drawings?) PERSONALITY PEOPLE.

No, really.

[You can click to enlarge, but please rest assured that we are going to cover this in excruciating detail.]

Personality plus!

Our heroine/fashion victim/Jerrica Benton sans Synergy is Dora Lee Kawalksi.

You can tell she needs a makeover because she has a semi-dowdy name and GLASSES. Make me gag!

How hard has Dora Lee been gagging on her old she's-not-yet-all-that style? So hard that I had to put an extra exclamation point at the beginning of the sentence. Dude. That's a lot of gagging.

But this is just our piddling BEFORE photo; as the drawing promises, with Dora Lee we get:

Again with the extraneous punctuation. !This crap is exciting! !I don't know if you guys noticed! !WOO!

That's because our ho-hum friend Dora Lee is about to transform herself into... a straight-up ho?

[Okay, NOW you should click to enlarge.]

The fun has been AT LEAST doubled.

First off, it's obvious that Dora Lee has been under the knife. I don't work for US Weekly or anything, but I can spot the rhinoplasty and chin implant from here.

[Quick sidebar: When I was in college, a weak-chinned chap who lived on my floor actually got a chin implant—and it ended up CROOKED because he spent too much time, like, stroking it. Ew? Looks like the same thing happened to ol' D.L. Kawalski here.]

Once you get past the plastic surgery, you can see that the '80s pretty much erupted on this drawing, spewing forth the molten lava of oversized floppy bows, polka dot capri leggings, and shapeless off-the-shoulder shirts cinched with stripy belts.

So, she looks like a hooker, but a fashion-forward hooker. A totally '80s hooker. I mean, check this out:

Jet: confirmed call girl.

How else can she afford a ring on every finger; earrings that are, like, tiny lampshades dangling from dice; and OH MY GOD, is that a Watch-a-call?

But please, don't get all Lifetime-y and try to hire Meredith Baxter and Valerie Bertinelli to track Jet down and let loose some vigilante justice on her pimp. [Note to Lifetime executives: This would be an amazing concept for a series.] That's because, well, I'll let Dora Lee tell you herself:

See, guys! It's fine! Because she was already a prostitute on the INSIDE.

Okay, okay. Maybe she's not a prostitute. Maybe everyone wants to call and chit-chat with her because she has such a great personality.

Yeah, that's it.

NEXT TIME: What's better than one makeover? How about making over an entire band?


That Kind of Girl said...

Please make an Etsy store, wherein you recreate all of your whimsical childhood-drawing jewelry. I would wear those dice-and-lampshade earrings SO HARD.

Anonymous said...

I am DYING here! This is hysterical in so many ways. Thank you again for this blog!
-Hardy the Valentine horse

KC Race said...

My inner 13-year old is very jealous of your crazy-good bow and multiple-elastics ponytail drawing skills. I rocked the multiple-elastics ponytail on the regular with many different patterns of Goody fuzzy-ponytail holders.

However, "Jet" totally owns this look.

Anonymous said...

How cute is Dora Lee "before"?? Even her snout is cute--I wish I could be her.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what it says about my fashion taste that I really and truly like that ensemble. Though that extra giant braid coming out of the top of her head looks crazy heavy.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That rubberbands-down-the-ponytail style was my favorite! Even though I had a total of 23 strands of babyfine blonde hair and mine looked more like a riding crop, I still tried to pull it off.

And "How I look on the outside is how I feel on the inside" makes me want to cry. So jealous.

Anonymous said...

Personality People? Hilarious! I was a big fan of the multiple scrunchies on the ponytail. It was a great way to hide the frizz. I wish that style was still in!

Sadako said...

The chin implant went crooked?! AAAAAH!

Agree with That Kind of Girl. Those earrings? Fab!

Sada said...

TKOG: My brother's girlfriend makes jewelry (and her stuff is awesome), so maybe I can put in a special order? She might balk at the dice though.

Obie: I've missed you and Hardy! Have you guys been traveling to South America in a can?

KC: It's true. I could definitely draw the shit out of an oversized hairbow.

Anonymous: I'm with you. Dora Lee is totally cuter before. Don't get taken in by "Jet" and all of her rubber bands!

Damiella: That thing has GOT to be a hairpiece. It's unnatural.

Steamy: The crazy thing is that even though I obviously felt like a rubberbands-down-the-ponytail girl on the inside, I never looked like one on the outside. My life is so shallow and meaningless.

perfectsize12: My guess is that this was going to be a SERIES of drawings, but they never got off the ground. I think "Jet" had too much personality.

Sadako: Crooked. I swear to god.

Knitwear M. Groundhog said...

Oh, lord. I made drawings just like yours. JUST LIKE YOURS. I get sympathy pangs every time I read your entries.

Cory said...

I love that the quote at the end makes it sound like Dora Lee is being interviewed by a magazine or something. It's like you took it a step BEYOND the ultimate girl fantasy: Mousy introvert gets contact lenses, a miniskirt, instant popularity AND THEN BECOMES RICH, FAMOUS, AND INTERVIEWED BY CELEBRITY-CENTRIC MAGAZINES! That's like everyone's fantasy...well, minus the mini-skirt for me.

....Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

Sadako said...

Weird re: chinplants.

And I wasn't kidding about the Etsy store so need to do it!

Deathycat said...

That's hilarious. I love the 80's-ness of it all. Chinplants. I understand the appeal of that even less than I do Calfplants. ^_^

Annie said...

This is an absolutely adorable website! I'm in love haha

Ally said...

I swear I think all of my pencil drawings of girls looked like this one! I love the side pony!

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Boomka said...

I love looking back at my childhood drawings. Well, when I say love, I mean, am embarassed by. All my pictures of my self I had hair on only half of my head so it looked I had a fan blowing 100 miles an hour across my face. I didn't really know how to draw hair. I recently started pulling microsoft paint pictures I did in high school and making commentary on them because I was so needy. God, I'm glad that has changed... kind of.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God.
I love your blog! This is such a hilarious idea.
I'm going to be laughing about the prostitute within all night.

kim said...

this was amazing, so glad i found y blog. great name too. I thought 30 was the new 20, but 13 is better (younger).

XXX, Kim

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Your pic of you as a teen is hilarious. I think we all have one of those in our parent's house...