Friday, January 16, 2009

Dear Sister 3

LAST TIME: One year after the murders of Melony and Charlotte (Charlette?), Izzy's family had shipped off to Mississippi and Andy's mom—her faith in men blissfully restored—was on the verge of remarriage. No one suspected that Andy and Izzy were the murderesses... no one, that is, except Andy's future stepsister, Rosin Lee, and her loser friend Violet Zwick. Rosin Lee lived up to her "dumb nam" by kinda sorta accusing Andy of the murders. Which Andy responded to by stabbing the crap out of Violet. For some reason, Rosin Lee didn't find her friend's death even slightly fishy and was all "Go for a walk late at night along a cliff? Even though I think you killed some people and my best friend was just murdered in the exact same manner?? Sure, Andy, that sounds lovely and scenic!" But Andy, in a TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE, wore shoes with no traction, and in the middle of her "Say your prayers, because I'm totally about to kill your ass" speech, she slipped off the edge of the cliff and fell to her death. Andy's estranged sister, Alison, then appeared literally out of nowhere two seconds later, accused Rosin Lee of killing Andy, and vowed to avenge her sister's death. Andy's, that is, not Melony's. That conceited snob is old news.

Whew! Now the let's put the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, in guest author Deathycat's stab-happy trilogy:

Dear Sister 3

(Alison is in the cemetary at Andrea's grave.)

Alison: Hi, Andy. It's me again, Alison. I miss you so much. Rosin Lee is such a pain in the butt. But now we're stepsisters. It's been three months since Rosin Lee killed you, it's been so hard, almost unbearable. But I have good news for you. Izzey Hazel is moving back here with her father. I have'nt seen her since your funeral. It was a pretty funeral, a lot of people were there. I still don't get it, how could Rosin Lee just sit there like everyone else. Mother says it's not healthy for me to come here everyday. She says it's good for me to spend alot of time outside, but not in the cemetary. She says I should stop coming here. But i'm just not going to stop coming here all together. I can't just do that. But I'm not going to come here as often. You understand, don't you Andy. Of course you understand. Well I out to go now. It is december you know. And just between you and me Andy, I think this Christmas may be Rosin Lee's last. Well by Andy. I'll see you soon.

(Alison walks off stage left)

Sada says: Total sidenote, but I used to be a nanny, and the kids I watched LOVED playing in cemeteries. They especially liked for me to read them the names on the gravestones. No word yet on whether they've turned Goth. Or completely psycho.

Act 2

(Rosin Lee is in her bedroom fixing her hair)

Rosin Lee: I'm fed up with my hair. I hate it.

Sada says: This is so the least of your worries.

(Alison bursts right in)

Alison: Rosin Lee, Mother and Dinky Boy are going out to dinner. So it's just us. I'll make dinner.

Sada says: I love that Alison openly calls Rosin Lee's dad "Dinky Boy."

(Rosin Lee gets up)

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Can I help?

Alison: No!

Rosin Lee: Why not?

Alison: Because I said so! Now go back to fixing your hair, I'm going to make dinner now.

Rosin Lee: Okay! Just one more thing!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: What are you making?

Alison: Pizza!

Rosin Lee: That's great! Could you get pepporoni and anchovies?

Alison: No, I'm getting sausage!

Rosin Lee: Oh. But Alison, you know I hate sausage!

Alison: Yes I do.

Sada says: Alison's Plan de Evil:

Step 1: Put sausage on pizza.

Step 2: MURDER.

Rosin Lee: Alison.

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Why do you have to be so mean to me!

Alison: What are you talking about? I haven't been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have, Alison. And you know it. But what I want to know is why you have been so mean to me.

Alison: Rosin Lee, I have not been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have. You have been ever since Dad and Melody got married. So Alison, answer my question, why have you been so mean to me?

(Alison stands there with a look of shock on her face)

Alison: I am getting the "hell" out of here Rosin Lee, and as far as I'm concerned, you can get any damn pizza you want! I'm going over to Izzey's. Bye, witch!

Deathycat says: I'd like to point out that I could write "hell" and damn, and later god damit, but I couldn't bring myself to write out the word bitch. It's actually erased with witch written over it.

(Alison walks off stage right)

Act 3

(Alison is at Izzey's door)

Izzey: Alison what are you doing here?

Alison: Rosin Lee is driving me crazey.

Izzey: Ahh, the witch. Andy wrote to me telling me all about her Al!

Alison: Yeah Izzey, She is just driving me insane. I really think she murdered Andy.

Izzey: Andy didn't like Rosin Lee very much, did she.

(Alison just stood there lost in her own thoughts.)

Izzey: Earth to Alison Drexil!

Alison: Oh! Sorry Iz, what were you saying.

Izzey: I was just wondering, just how much did you know about Andy

Alison: Enough!

Izzey: What do you mean "enough".

Alison: Well, I know that she wanted Melony dead, and that she got her wish. I know that she wanted Rosin Lee dead, and that I do too.

Sada says: Okay, so by "enough" she basically means "everything." How is it that everyone seems to be in the know EXCEPT THE POLICE?

(Izzabella just stared at Alison. Then the phone rang)

Izzyey: Hello, who is this. . . . Oh hi Rosin Lee Ali is right here.

(She covers a piece of the phone with one hand)

Izzey: Al it's for you!

(Alison sighs and takes the phone)

Alison: Yeah Rosin Lee, what do you want. . . . . .Fine. I'll be there in ten minutes.

(She hangs up the phone)

Alison: My stupid stepsister says Mother and Dinky Boy are home and they are freaking mad at me!!!

Izzey: Too bad.

Alison: Yeah, well bye Izzey

Izzey: Yeah, well bye Al.

Act 4

(Alison just steps into the house)

Rosin Lee: Dad and Melody are already in bed, and they want you in your room.

Alison: They're probably having sex.

Sada says: Gross! I did not need the mental image of Dinky Boy and Melody in the sack.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!

Rosin Lee: I just don't get you!

Alison: What is there to get?

Rosin Lee: You act as if you hate me. All the time, your so cold to me. Why do you hate me so much Alison? Why?

Alison: You want to know why Rosin Lee

Rosin Lee: Yeah, I do.

Alison: You killed my sister, Rosin Lee, the only sister I ever liked

Rosin Lee: You think I killed Andy. You think I could even think of killing Andy.

Alison: Yes I do!

(Alison goes over to her room)

Act 5

(Rosin Lee is sitting in her room)

Rosin Lee: I have a real problem here. Alison definitely hates me. I've got to do something before things get out of control.

(Alison walks in)

Alison: Bye, Rosin Lee.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!?

Rosin Lee: Where are you going?

Alison: Izzey's! Bye!

Rosine Lee: Bye.

Act 6

(Alison knocks on Izzey's front door)

Izzey: Alison, I wasn't expecting you. Come in.

Alison: Izzey, I've decided to kill Rosin Lee.

Izzey: You are?

Alison: Yes, I think it's time for her to pay for Andy's death.

(Izzey stands there and Alison leaves)

Izzey: You thought wrong.

Sada says: WHAT? Has Izzy changed her murderous ways?

Act 7

(Izzey took the shortcut to Alison's house that Alison doesn't know about)

Izzey: Oh Rosin Lee.

(Rosin Lee comes out of her room)

Rosin Lee: Alison just went over your house Izzey.

Izzey: I'm not here to see Alison, I'm here to see you.

Rosin Lee: Me! Why?

Izzey: Let me tell you a story. It all began a little over a year ago. I was having a lot of fights with Charlette and Andy was having a lot of fights with Melony, and don't forget Melody and Dan have already been divorced for a year at this time. So me and Andy came up with a little plan.

Rosin Lee: You murdered them?

Izzey: Yes we murdered them, and enjoyed it. Neither one of us ever felt guilty about it. But then I hat to move away, and while I was away Andy mardered some girl named Violet Zwick.

Rosin Lee: Are you saying that Andy killed Violet?

Sada says: I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

Izzey: Why? Did you know her?

Rosin Lee: Yeah!

Izzey: Of course.

Rosin Lee: What do you mean Izzey?

Izzy: Well in order to kill you she had to kill Violet. [Sada says: Not really, but let's go with it, people.] But when you two were on the cliff, she was about to kill you, but she fell of. Now Alison thinks you killed her, when you didn't. But I know that Andy's last wish was to have you dead.

Rosin Lee: What are you going to do?

(Izzey pulls out the knife)

Izzey: So say your prayers Rosin Lee.

(She stabs her)

Sada says: Uh, nope, guess she didn't change that much after all.

Rosin Lee: Ahhhhh. . . . .

(Alison walks in)

Izzey: I just killed Rosin Lee, like Andy would want me to.

Alison: I was soposed to do that,

(Alison grabbs the knife out of Rosin Lee's chest and stabs Izzey)

Izzey: Ahhhhhhh.

Sada says: WOW. Alison, I hereby crown you Craziest of the Crazies. And that's saying something.

Act 8

Melodie: I'm home.

Alison: God damit moms home.

(She searches for a rout to escape. then climbs out the window)

Melodie: Ahhhhh

(Alison is running to the ridge)

(Alison is at the ridge)

Alison: I really hope they don't accuse me. But my fingerprints are all over that knife and I have no aliby.

(Then the police come up and surround her)

Police man: Alison Drexil, you are accused of the Murders of Rosin Lee Detwiler and Izzabella Hazel.

Alison: But I didn't do it.

Police man: Child, we know you are the murderer, and you can't run away, we have you surrounded.

Alison: That's what you think

(She looks down at the bottom of the ridge.

Alison: Goodbye cruel world.

(she jumps off)

Sada says: Man, that ridge has seen a lot of action.

Alison: Ahhhhhhhhh. . . . .

(she hit's the bottom)

Alison: I didn't die! I didn't die! I'm alive!

Melony: No you're not Dear Sister

Alison: Melony, what are you doing here.

Charlette: She's not the only one who's here.

Andy: Yeah!

Izzey: true!

Violet: Very true.

Rosin Lee: But. . . .

Andy: You are an evil person dear sister.

Melony: Very evil.

Alison: But. . . .but. . .what did I do?

Izzey: You killed me!

Charlette: You killed my dear sister.

Rosin Lee: Its you're fault I died.

Violet: Alison it's time for you to go.

Alison: Noooo. . . . .

The End

Deathycat says: Thank God.

Sada says:
Was that purgatory? Hell? A bad acid trip? I don't know. But here's what I do know: If anyone feels compelled to get together with a friend and act this out, you must film it and send me the link to your YouTube channel IMMEDIATELY.

NEXT TIME: I get super clever by writing a FAKE diary inside a REAL diary. Is your mind blown already?


Anonymous said...

That was...some ending.

Very funny, though. My stories when I was at that age weren't much better.

Cory said...

When I used to write stories, they usually involved some supernatural element and/or multiple murders, so I don't really think these stories are weird. Still, everyone in them was effing insane, even the non-murderers (since they foolishly confronted the murderers and/or when on walks with them at night). They were hilarious, though.

Deathycat said...

*choking on a triscuit from laughing* I love the recap of the previous two stories. And yeah, Alison definitely is the craziest. And it's nice to know I'm not the only person who wrote crap like this. ^_^

halle said...

i don't know how much more i CAN be blown away after that cliff hanger of a story and the super surprise ending. oh nooo....

Katherine said...

My whole Friday? Completely down the drain. But it was worth it.

This is my new favorite blog. Do you have a policy on submissions from guest authors?

Sada said...

Katherine: My main policy is MORE GUEST AUTHORS, PLEASE! I am trying to go in a somewhat chronological order by grade, so if you have anything from the middle school years, I'd hold off on posting it until we get there. Feel free to send me anything you've got! If you can let me know the year it was written and the grade you were in when you wrote it, awesome. Bonus points for embarrassing photos and self-snarking. I'm at

Kylie90210 said...

Wow, I did not see that ending coming! LOL :)

Anonymous said...

This is so sick, wrong, and hysterical - I love it!!

tctill said...

Ahaha! Loved all of it, Deathycat! (And bonus points for writing the g-d and 'd' and 'h' words, as I couldn't even make myself do that!)