Survey Says

Because we were the epitome of cool, my sister and I had lots—and I mean LOTS—of pen pals in our teen and tweenage years. Writing letters was fun, but sometimes we liked to take it to the next level by creating insightful surveys on our word processor (sample query: "Did Paula Abdul get a boob job or is it trick photography?"). We would distribute lists of these pressing questions to our pen pals near and far, and also to our friends and loved ones. Because we had to get to the bottom of this Paula Abdul boob thing ASAP.

One survey recipient was our younger brother, Will, who was 10 years old when my sister made him fill this out (my surveys had way more 90210-related questions). This, you guys, THIS is what was going on in the minds of fifth grade boys while we were writing them heart-on-our-sleeve love letters imploring them to like us more than Jessica. I offer the following with very little commentary because, seriously, this business was snarky enough already.

questions

name: Will P.

age: 10

date: June 23, 1994

What is the best book you've ever read? Why?

Babysitters Club 9#. Because it's cool.

I don't like the sarcasm I'm detecting in this answer.

[Image courtesy of Are You There Youth? It's Me, Nikki
because my computer thinks there's something sketchy going down at Dibbly Fresh.]

What is your favorite movie? Why?

Bugsy Malone. Because they have a marshmallow fight.

What is your favorite song and album and group?

New Kids on the Block. Because their hip.

Remember, this was 1994, not 1989. New Kids on the Block were not even remotely hip anymore. Good-bye, rattails and topless hats. Hello, flannel!

Who is your favorite actor?

Steve Urkel

Working toward that Oscar nod!

actress?

Madonna

Are there any famous people you despise? Who and why?

No one

What qualities in a person really make you sick?

When they drool, chug a pop and throw-up, and eat.

Who are some of the people you look up to, and why?

Shaq

Would you rather be deaf or blind? Why?

Blind. Donno?

What are some things you appreciate about the opposite sex?

I don't have to have the babies.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

NO. Because I'm blind.

What is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you?

My mom made me.

Do you think you'll ever find anyone you'll want to spend the rest of your life with?

NO Yes

Are you going to raise your children different than your parents have raised you? In what ways?

NO

If you could change anything about yourself, physically, mentally or emotionally, what would it be?

I want to be a Superman!

What do you think people's first impressions of you are?

I'm weird

What is something you usually don't tell people about yourself?

No

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A man and a dog.

Dare to dream!

What are your plans for the future?

To meet a woman and a loving dog that is immortal and will massage.

??? I don't know what that means, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to find out.

What was the best year of your life? Why?

Kindergarden because Mrs. Collins was sexy

Sexy!

That's kindergarten teacher Mrs. Collins with my brother's future girlfriend. Also, yes, our school mascot was a sweater-wearing falcon with a backpack. Don't even try to front.

What is your most prized possession?

My tiger.

Will had a pet rabbit named Tiger, so I think this is—dare I say?—not a joke.

If your house was burning down and you could save two things, what would they be?

Animals and family

If you were going to be sent off to a deserted island for a year, what two people would you bring? Why?

Madonna and Mrs. Collins

Ahh, the Mrs. Collins joke. It never gets old!

Who do you get along with best in your whole family?

My mom

What is something you've always wanted to do, but never have?

Been a billionaire

What is the biggest problem facing the world?

death.

thank you. iI hope you enjoyed it.

You suck!

Yeah. He ended the survey by correcting our capitalization and then insulting us. (Don't worry, I'm going to get him back by posting pictures of him dressed up like a girl. You can look forward to that in a future post.)

However, I want you to know that it was not ALL smartassery with young Will. He had his first "girlfriend," named Morgan, around this time. When we went on vacation that summer, he made the awesome mistake of leaving his journal lying around where we could see it—awesome because we saw that he had written this: "All I can think about is Morgan, Morgan, Morgan." So I guess preteen girls didn't have the market on melodrama cornered after all. (Sadly, the journal made no mention of immortal massage dogs.)

This was the same vacation in which Will spent the entire two-day car ride home hocking loogies into a cup because he was convinced that spitting would prevent him from having to pee. I think we were all too grossed out to explain the details of his faulty logic.

NEXT TIME: Guest author Kylie teaches us that if you want to be popular at Tademy Academy, you have to prepared to dump a little chili on someone else's head. And no, that's not a metaphor.