LAST TIME: Our narrator, Frankie "Franks and Beans" Chapman (I am so waiting for someone to address her as "Franks and Beans") and her pals spent upwards of five hours picking out clothing for the first day of 7th grade, only to end up in Aeropostale jeans and Keds. WTF? Meanwhile, they were asked to pledge Tademy Academy's most exclusive "social society"—and unabashed drill team mafia—the Deltas. But in order to join the Deltas, the gals have to do "something spiteful, something forward, something embarrassing, and something scandalous"— and of course, something involving Axe body spray.
When we left off, Frankie had just Dropped the Donut onto the chair of one Ella Gris, leaving her with a Boston Creme backside. Still to come: Fliss must tip Tara Luna's tray in the cafeteria; Kenny will leave a forged love note in Charlotte Reyes' locker; Lyndz has to cut off Casey Wallace's ponytail; and Rosie (the orphaned Texan with the fake British accent) has to rig Raquel Weaver's locker with frogs that will chase her toward a magical banana peel that somehow triggers a bucket of chili to empty its contents onto her head. Like taking candy from a frigging baby!
Baby: Raquel Weaver; Dude with the giant lollipop: Rosie Fine
(Not pictured: Frogs, banana peel, bucket of chili)
As I said last time, our 14-year-old guest author, Kylie, claims she wrote this story when she was in fourth grade—but as Detective TKOG pointed out, Juno was released in 2007 and Bumpits weren't on the market until 2008. Kylie? You can come clean. We don't care if you wrote this last year. One thing we're not disputing is that this story is stellar. Also not in dispute: the fact that I would transfer out of Tademy Academy faster than you can say "bucket of chili."
Welcome to Tademy Academy
After I DTDed, Fliss collected her ammo. Her weapons of choice: a plate of spaghetti, yogurt, and chocolate milk. She started her walk of shame towards Tara. I was so excited. Who’s dissing my Keds now?
Sada says: So this is the point at which I realized that Tademy's social societies aren't terrorizing unpopular kids—they're going after each other! They're basically warring factions of pretty people. It would be like if the cast of 90210 went to Bayside High, and Lisa Turtle made Brenda Walsh sit on a donut, and then Jessi Spano dumped a bucket of chili on Donna Martin's head. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome.
Fliss walked slowly, with all loose strands of her sunset brown hair tucked behind her ears. Soon, she was right in front of Tara, who had just put her own tray down. Fliss cringed from fear, tilted her tray, and food went flying all over Tara. There was spaghetti in her hair, yogurt all over one of her rich fashion designer shirts, and chocolate milk all over her Skechers.
Sada says: I love how Frankie name-checks Skechers but doesn't specify the "rich fashion designer" behind Tara's shirt.
“ Nice look, Tara,” Fliss said.
“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” Tara yelled. But no one heard her, because they were all pointing and whispering about her. Pointing, whispering, and giggling.
After that, we all went to our dorms.
“Okay, guys,” Kenny said. “How should I write the letter?” After putting our heads together, we wrote this and sprayed it with the Axe.
Kylie says: I am cringing as I read this. I mean, "Who’s dissing my Keds now?" And "ammo"? And "sunset brown hair"? What the hell? And Axe? Oh, what great humiliation!
Sada says: YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT THE AXE! The repeated Axe bashing is one of my favorite things about this story. Or maybe one of my favorite things about anything, ever. Also, wait, are you saying that sunsets in Australia are not brown?
Dearest Darling Charlotte,I have admired you from afar since the second grade. Maybe you won’t believe me, but I love you. If you say you don’t love me, it will break my heart. So please say yes. If you love me too, meet me by the fountain in the courtyard at your school at 3:00. Don’t worry about missing that assembly. It’s not even mandatory. I know about the assembly because I saw the flyer you designed. You’re the best artist ever! As soon as we meet, we can talk even more about this beautiful relationship in bloom.XOXO,Dominick Fitch
We were inspired by the love letter in the book, Bridge to Terabithia, we must admit.
Kylie says: As in, I was really lazy, so I stole half the letter from Bridge to Terabithia.
Sada says: But nice—and not at all creepy—addition about the non-mandatory school assembly. Romantic!
We shoved it into her locker the next day, while it still reeked off Axe. We woke the next morning at 7:00 am and got dressed. Then, we went into the hallway.
“Ew, what’s that smell?”
“I think it’s coming from Charlotte’s locker.”
Charlotte walked into the hall. “ Ew, what died in my locker?” She opened it up, and traced it to the Letter.
Sada says: In case you missed it, Axe body spray? Smells like death.
“Someone has a secret admirer,” said Piper Tademy.
“Open the letter,” Kenny insisted sheepishly. She started shuffling her sneakers, and averted her eyes from Charlotte.
After Charlotte read the letter, she sighed and said, “Dominick Fitch.”
The day seemed to drag on and on until Assembly. Then, all eight girls who were in the hall came out to watch. It was 3:30, 4:00, and then the dreaded 4:30.
Sada says: Not the dreaded 4:30! Anything but that!
It had been a full hour, and Dominick hadn’t showed up yet.
Charlotte decided to text him.
From: CharlotteTo: DominickDom, where are you? I’ve been waiting for an hour!!!!
From: DominickTo: CharlotteFor what?
From: CharlotteTo: DominickAren’t you meeting me to talk about our relationship?????? You wrote me that letter. You do want to meet at the fountain in the courtyard at Tademy Academy, right? Did you mean the fountain in the park? Or the one at Carlyle College?
Sada says: That is SO more than 160 characters. Plus, you could really get your fountains crossed in this town. Yeesh.
From: DominickTo: Charlotte
I don’t now what you’re talking about. What letter?
From: CharlotteTo: DominickThe love letter you left me in my locker. It smelled like Axe but that’s totally forgivable.
Sada says: Is it, though? IS IT?
From: DominickTo: CharlotteI never wrote you a letter. I don’t even know your last name.I’m serious.
From: CharlotteTo: DominickOh. I’m sorry I bothered you.
After that, something that never happens happened. Charlotte Reyes screamed, went up to Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes, her rival, and punched her in the face. It was a very unCharlotte thing to do. Usually, Charlotte would burst into tears and run away. I guess that she finally had enough. At least she didn’t know it was Kenny, or else she would have had a serious nose bleed like Carter.
Kylie says: Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes???? What the hell was I thinking????
Sada says: This is why two people with hyphenated names should never breed. Take heed, blog readers.
“I feel like a total…..a total…. Ugh, I can’t even say it,” Kenny said.
“Jerk?,” Fliss said.
“ Ugggh,” I moaned. I didn’t know it would be this bad. Is being a Delta really worth it?
Just then, we heard a knock on our door.
“ I’ll get it,” Rosie shouted.
It was Carter. She had a giant welt on her nose. “ I was wondering if, like, any of you guys had one of those large nose bandages? I kinda need one? The nurse’s office is all out?”
The nurse's office RAN OUT of nose bandages??
Although I guess I can see why the girls at Tademy would be throwing lots of punches.
Although I guess I can see why the girls at Tademy would be throwing lots of punches.
“What happened to Charlotte,” Kenny asked nervously.
“Like, nothing? Like, I would never tell on a fellow Tademian? I just said someone accidentally threw a volleyball at me? All I know is that I didn’t write that letter? I mean, I hate Charlotte, but not enough to stink up her locker with Axe? I mean, I don’t even own Axe, and….. OHMYGOD!? There is, like, Axe on your dresser? Kenny, it’s like all your fault?
No wonder you looked so, like, ashamed?”
Kylie says: Oh, Carter is a dumbass! At least she catches on fast.
Sada says: She might have a mile-long name and turn every sentence into a question, but Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes is the only character in this story with ethics. She would never tell on a fellow Tademian, and she flat-out says that she wouldn't wish Axe body spray on her worst enemy.
I realized then that maybe we didn’t want to be Deltas after all. But that was a huge maybe. One part of me didn’t think it was worth it. Another part, the larger part wanted it so badly it would kill.
Sada says: NO. WAY. Did she just imply that it's a short road from Boston creme butt to MURDER? God, I hope Andy Tachman doesn't find out about this. (squeal!)
I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was to be afraid of Carter Gonzalez-Fiore-Mason-Barnes.
“OMG. Kenny, this will really cheer you up,” I said at lunch.
“ It’s worth a shot,” Kenny sighed.
“ Guess what movie they’re showing at the Carlyle College Performing Arts Center.”
“ No way! EEEEKKK!!!!”
FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 167:00 PMWISH UPON A STAR￼
Sada says: According to IMDB, this movie is a Freaky Friday ripoff about a brainy girl whose wish to trade places with her popular idiot of a sister comes true, and in the process everyone learns a little something about themselves and each other. (I'm paraphrasing.)
“Wait,” Lyndz said. “Today’s the day I pledge.”
We all groaned.
“Here comes Casey now,” Rosie said.
Casey Wallace had wanted to be a TAS since the fourth grade, which, in my opinion, is not a very long time. Then again, Casey Wallace is not a very commited person.
Sada says: You have to have wanted it since you were FIVE, people! Five or NOTHING!
She sat down in her seat and Lyndz whipped out the safety scissors. She leaned slowly, towards Casey, and snipped off the whole ponytail at once. Casey didn’t even feel a thing.
Kylie says: OMFG. And that’s where I left off. Damn.
Sada says: I second that damn! I thought we were going to put frogs in Raquel's locker! I mean, WHERE IS THE BUCKET OF CHILI THAT I WAS PROMISED? This is very upsetting. Though, to be honest, as I read over the plan, I was like, "Hmmm... how are they getting away with this crap? Is it possible that all of the teachers at Tademy Academy are vision-impaired?"
But I regret that we'll never know whether guilt got the best of the girls, or if their lust for drill team glory and the lure of a guaranteed date to every dance were too strong. And did the TASes just take this abuse, or did they strike back and give the Deltas a bucketful of their own chili?
Um... does anyone know a fourth grade ghostwriter we could hand this off to?
NEXT TIME: The first in a series of hilariously terrible illustrations that I'm going to call Every Picture Tells a Story. Sixth grade will be coming soon, but in the meantime maybe I can post more than twice a month? I think I can, I think I can...