The Book Report

My fifth grade Language Arts teacher decided to liven up book reporting... by making us write our reports on scoops of paper ice cream. She made a bulletin board featuring construction-paper ice cream cones inscribed with every student's name. Each time we read a book, we'd write a short description on a scoop of ice cream and staple it atop our cone.

Nothing motivates children to read like paper ice cream!

I, of course, had the World's Tallest Paper Ice Cream Cone. Because I was super cool. The following are a few extra credit book reports I turned in at the tail end of fifth grade (June 1989). Did I need the extra credit? Of course not! I was strictly in it for the glory.

QUICK DISCLAIMER: Most of these books I read only once, 20 years ago, so my commentary is largely based on the reports themselves. If you read any of these, have mercy and let us know what happened! Especially if you know the fate of the Gray Ghost or exactly how the Mystery Cat began a life of feline crime-solving.

Where Evil Is

Carol Beach York

Mystery

You know where evil is? In her hair, you guys. In her HAIR.

I'd read several other creepy-ass Carol Beach York books involving dead people and/or murderous plots (Remember Me When I Am Dead and Secrets in the Attic, I'm looking at you), so I was pretty psyched about this one.

My report: When Marjore is invited to stay with her cousin, Charlene, she's thrilled. Charlene is her idol! Then Charlene gets strange letters in the mail saying how her husband's first wife's death wasn't an accident. But the one night in the house by the lake, Charlene shoots at a robber in the dark and Marjore comes to a startling conclusion.

How can you tell I didn't plagiarize this from the back cover? Because her name is really Marjorie, not Marjore.

Here's some copy I found online:

Sixteen-year-old Marjorie is the unknowing accomplice to her glamorous cousin's elaborate plot . . . to murder her husband. But her cousin makes the fatal mistake of underestimating Marjorie's ability to unmask Where Evil Is.

Way to school me, marketing team. My reports would be SO much better if I figured out a way to incorporate the book's title!

Mystery Cat

Susan Saunders
Animal Story

This was the first book in another series by the author of Sleepover Friends, only instead of binge eaters, this was about a crime-busting cat. No, really. It actually says that on the cover.

"There's a new crime-busting cat in town!"

Move over, OLD crime-busting cat! This cat has a really weird face and is straddling a fat mound of cash! And what's with the girls peeking in on him? I find something about this cover very unsettling.

My report: A mysterious cat with a nick in his ear and a kink in his tail, lives at Kelly Ann's and Hillary's. They found out that he's M.C. (Mystery Cat). Now the girls are following M.C. to find the counterfeiters. When Hillary goes out alone, she is kidnapped by the counterfeiters. Can Kelly Ann and M.C. find Hillary... and solve the mystery?

WHAT? It's like Ann M. Martin wrote a BSC Mystery where Tigger cracked the case. The mind reels. Plus, how did they "find out" that he's Mystery Cat? By reading his tags? Watching him analyze some DNA samples? Can someone please explain this to me??

The Diary of a Young Girl

Anne Frank
Non-fiction

I read another Jewish-girl-hiding-from-the-Nazis book this same year, although I can't remember the title. Instead of a secret annex, the protagonist and her sister hid in a closet. For YEARS. Turns out it was a good hiding spot, because the Nazis never found them, although I remember that when the girls finally got out and went to a victory parade, it was hard for them to walk because their legs had atrophied. (Thanks, Nazis! You guys were awesome!) We had an assignment to dress up as a character from a book, and this was who I picked. I think I limped? I remember someone else was Leslie from Bridge to Terabithia—which I hadn't read yet—and she totally ruined the ending by being all, "Hi, I'm Leslie. And I'm dead."

You can't really snark Anne Frank.

My report: The diary of Anne Frank, who lived in hiding during World War II. The story of how she left her home and lived with another family that she couldn't stand for years until they were discovered by the Nazis. How she never got along with her mother, always clinging to her father. How she fell in love. How her life changed.

I got a little Angela Chase with this one, didn't I? If Angela Chase were 11 and wrote only in fragments, that is.

Middle School Blues

Lou Kassem
Fiction

Cindy = A Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael–era Winona Ryder?

My report: Cindy never wanted to start middle school. [Oh yeah. Staying in fifth grade for seven more years is a way better idea.] Right off, she makes two enemies, Miss Kilper and the pretty, popular Brandy Wine. Cindy's losing her best friend, Becca, to Brandy. Then Cindy's sisters, Grace & Ellen, move away to college. So Cindy makes a new friend, Margo. When her old friend, Jeff, disappears, Cindy takes charge. It's all up to her, can she sort out her life and survive middle school too?

Brandy Wine? Seriously? Like, do her parents want her to become a stripper? I like how this one ends with a question to accentuate its cliffhangerness. I don't know, CAN she survive middle school? (My money's on NO. I don't think she's making it out alive.)

And if you were like, "Hmmm, I really wish I could find out more about this Margo character who was haphazardly inserted into that synopsis," well, my friend, then today is your lucky day!

Secret Wishes

Lou Kassem
Fiction

Screw cheerleading. Margo should have secretly wished for better hair.

My report: Margo's secret wish is to be a cheerleader, so her grandmother helps her lose weight and Margo helps her grandmother walk. Margo makes the squad! But her secret wish isn't what is seems. Brandy Wine is always using her, she's always busy, she has no time for her friends, and her cheerleading teacher is pushing for champions. Then Margo starts cheating for her fellow "sisters". Then Margo has to make a decision.

Want to be a cheerleader? All you need to do is lose weight and help your grandmother walk, apparently. Thanks for the tip, Lou Kassem! But beware: being a skinny cheerleader with a mobile grandma isn't all it's cracked up to be. Subtext: Brandy Wine will send you to the exotic dancer supply store and make you buy her new shoes for tonight's gig.

But I'll bet she reuses the cheerleading uniform.

Pets Are For Keeps

Virginia Vail

Animal Story

Look! The cover promises wacky animal hijinks!

My report: Val is working at Animal Inn, her father's animal hospital. It's a busy Saturday when her father gets a call saying "The Gray Ghost hurt his leg." The Gray Ghost is a champion horse jumper. His leg will heal, but he can never jump again - he's going blind! The Ghost's owner wants him put to sleep! Val won't stand for that. She's got an idea - she'll buy the Gray Ghost herself!

This would be a million times better if Val was ALSO going blind. And if Jake Ryan was somehow involved...

Right? RIGHT?

This next one I originally purchased at a school book fair for $1.95. Then a few months ago I re-bought it at Goodwill for $1.99. You heard me: a five-cent markup on a used book from 1985! About a frigging ghost in a reflective device! What crap!!! Goodwill, I love to hate you and hate to love you.

The Ghost in the Mirror
Marcia Krutchen
Mystery

"Help! My mirror is possessed by the ghost of Nelly Oleson!"

The marketing team wrote:

What's wrong with Jenny Morgan? Why do strange things keep happening to her?

Jenny knows the old house her family moved into is different. She doesn't know why until she finds herself in danger. That's when she meets...

The GHOST in the Mirror

My report: Jenny has just moved and she doesn't like it. She faints and sees disappearing figures. She even hears voices. There is one nice thing, she finds a room that's perfect for her. Then she has a strange dream that helps her save her brother's life. One day she sees a ghost in the mirror, the ghost of her grandma, who helps her uncover her great-uncle's secret.

I loved this book because it involved creepiness and ghosts but nothing overly sinister. Here's a quick recap: Jenny's family inherits her great-uncle's house and moves to a Small Town That Shall Not Be Named (why, Marcia Kruchten, why?). She sees a ghost in the backyard and yet seems semi-possessed by the ghost at the same time. Like, she keeps humming this tune she's never heard before, knows how to work some old clock (I quote: "It's a shy little clock. If you bother it much, it won't run."), and knows just where everything should go in her new room, which was once her great-grandmother's. And she faints a few times. It doesn't really make sense.

Meanwhile, the dead uncle has left them a letter with this mysterious riddle:

Sunshine chases cloudy skies
Behind the face the treasure lies

Yes, he wills them something in riddle form. How obnoxious is that? After this, a prowler breaks into the house, and since there are only about four characters in the book outside of Jenny's immediate family, it's pretty obvious who it is.

Meanwhile, Jenny saves her brother from drowning during a Picnic Gone Wrong, all thanks to some dream she had the night before. So the ghost is also psychic? After the life-saving, Jenny is all feverish and some roses turn to slime and the prowler comes back trying to figure out which face the treasure might lie behind. The ghost (who is actually Jenny's great-grandma, not Nelly Oleson) alerts Jenny, scares away the prowler, and then breaks the mirror when Jenny is too stupid to realize that's where the treasure is. Then the "treasure" turns out to be bearer bonds, which according to Jenny's dad will not make them rich, but will be "enough to help out." BORING!

And the ghost was only in the mirror ONCE! But I guess The Ghost in the Backyard isn't that catchy of a title.

CDC?

William Steig
Poetry

I read this the same year that I read Anne Frank? Really?

My report: The sequel to CDB, another book full of puzzling letter phrases. A fun book to read and figure out. Packed full of silly, amusing sayings that will keep you looking for more.

Here's an example:

C D C ? = See the sea?
E-R I M ! = Here I am!
U F B-D I-S = You have beady eyes.

I'll bet you're looking for more already! The best part about this one is that I classified it as poetry. Although "U F B-D I-S" is quite lyrical.

NEXT TIME: The trials and tribulations of Lauren Lowsky, 100% babysitter.

In the meantime, have you ever wondered what would happen if you crossed Slumdog Millionaire with Transformers? (I mean, WHO HASN'T?) Then be sure to check out Worst of the Worst Fanfiction, the new blog of former guest author Michelle (of "Shorlock Homes the Cowgirl" fame). I think she may have taken snarking to a whole new level.

P.S. Longer Letter Later

In fifth grade, my friends and I had many activities we enjoyed doing together: rating the boys in our class on various predetermined qualities; singing along to Paula Abdul; eating Cool Ranch Doritos; choreographing elaborate dance routines to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack; and, of course, creating fictional characters who would then engage in epistolary feuds. The former is what we'll be covering here.

I had tried coauthoring a book before with my friends Katie and Jessica. The plan was that each of us would write a paragraph, then hand it off to the next person. The problem? We never made it to page two. We did, however, write some preadolescent promo material:

LIFE ISN'T FAIR
Courtney used to think her life was great. She isn't popular and she isn't a total dweeb. Her and her best friend, Teri, have it made. And Courtney's boyfriend is the most popular boy in school. Then Courtney's parents are having a baby, and Courtney eavesdrops and discovers the fact that she's adopted and she knows that her parents don't want her. When her boyfriend dumps her, that's when she decides that life isn't fair. So she [wait for it...] runs away.

Of course she does! By the way, I think we may need to resurrect the word "dweeb."

For our next cowritten venture, Katie and I decided to simplify things. Our book would be a series of letters written by two friends who were having a much more interesting summer than we were. Plus, this would give us an excuse to utilize a four-color pen (Katie) and dot our i's with hearts (me).


But first we had to jot down a list of our respective four-color pen pals' vital statistics and favorite T.V. shows—this allowed us to make extraneous pop culture references and concoct zany hobbies that no real-life fifth grader would ever admit to being interested in. My character, Andrea Forleene, loved goats and Corey Haim.

Full name: Andrea Heather Forleene
D.O.B.: October 4, 1977
Sex: Female
Fav. Food: Chocolate cigars

Because everyone knows chocolate tastes better when it's shaped like a phallus. Mmm!

Fav. Colors: Black and hot pink

Fav. T.V. show: The Wonder Years
Fav. Animal: Goat
Fav. Song: I Saw Him Standing There Only In My Dreams
Fav. Actor: Cory Haim
Fav. Actress: Kristy Swanson

I was very impressed with her performance in Flowers in the Attic. And that movie where she narrowly escapes death by becoming a killer robot.

Fav. Singer(s): Debbie Gibson
Fav. Movie: Three Men And A Baby

Remember those rumors about how there was a ghost of a little boy in Three Men and a Baby—but it turned out some sloppy crew member just left a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson wearing a top hat and tuxedo in the scene? Lame!

Worst urban legend ever. It should at least be the ghost of Guttenberg!

Height: 4'8"

Weight: 79½
Family: dad - Christopher (41), mom - Stephanie (39), sister - Christina (16), sister - Brittany (14½), brother - Sean (12½), and me!! Andrea (10½)
Fav. Sport: Kickball
Hair Color: Brown wavy, shoulder-length
Eye Color: Brown

Are you ready for the hobbies? This is when we get into WTF territory.

Hobbies: Writing Letters, Singing, Riding Trains, Collecting fake flowers, making pyramids out of old pop cans, recycling, eating chocolate, collecting flashlights, wearing tons of jewelry, making my family members pissed.

Making pyramids out of old pop cans? Seriously? That's how Andrea spends her time? And I thought the flashlight collection was so genius, I actually reused it in another story. !!! Or perhaps you could say I "recycled" it, because recycling is one of my hobbies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch a train to the fake flower shop. Right after I tell off my mom.

Katie's character was Leslie Nettles, a creative speller who belonged to organizations with unwieldy acronyms for names.

Full Name: Leslie Elizabeth Nettles
D.O.B.: July 7, 1977
Sex: Female
Favorite Food: Corean Chiken Balls

Neither Katie nor I had ever eaten a Korean chicken ball, but we HAD seen the movie Hello Again, starring Shelley Long as a woman who chokes to death on a Korean chicken ball only to be magically raised from the grave one year later by her woo-woo sister, Zelda. Unfortunately, Shelley Long does not come back as a zombie, but she does end up making out with Gabriel Byrne, so I guess that's cool too.

Favorite Color: Peach
Favorite T.V. Show: Miami Vice
Favorite Animal: Saint Bernardo

Saint Bernardo?

Do you get it? Do you get it?

You might if you realize that's Bernardo from West Side Story, and that's he's wearing a shoddily drawn halo. (Crap, jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them, are they?)

Favorite Song: Pour Some Sugar on Me
Favorite Singer(s): Def Leppard
Favorite Movie: [Blank]
Hieght: [Blank]
Wieght: [Blank]
Family Members: Mom: Frances (38), Dad Francis (39), Maria (7), Sandra (16), Marx (16), Alan (13)

We thought it would be beyond hilarious to have two parents with the same name. In retrospect, I think it would be better if their last name was Francis too. Also, MARX? What do we think? Are Frances and Francis commie pinkos or Marx Brothers fans? Or both?

Favorite Sport: Horse Back Riding, Water Skiing
Hair: Red
Eyes: Green
Hobbies: Basket Ball, Dancing, Acting, Bug Collecting, Pillow Case Collecting, Cooking, A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W., making my sister jealous, Water Skiing, Horse Back Riding, Listening to the OLDIES [do you think she sweats to them as well?], collecting podel skirts (Todd)

I know what you're thinking—that is, after you've gotten past the pillow case collection and the podel skirts (Todd, by the way, is not the name of one of the podels; he's Leslie's love interest, as you'll see shortly). What you're wondering is "What the hell is the A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W.?" The disturbing part is that IT DIDN'T TAKE ME THAT LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT. I'm pretty sure Leslie belongs to the Anti-Chauvinist Association of America for Girls and Women. And the protagonist from Life Isn't Fair was also a member! [Courtney Allison Sett also had a pet iguana named Igor (who she would totally fall for if she were an iguana!), her boyfriend was a georgiouse skater, and she had a weird habit of stating facts about herself aloud.] I'm not exactly sure what the A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W. did at their meetings, but I suspect it may have involved comparing men to farm animals.

Katie started off the letter writing. Her character had way more exciting vacation plans than mine did.

Dear Andrea,

Hi, how are you? I'm fine! How do you like being with your cousins all of the time? It gets really hot down here. You know Australia always get to be 90° everyday? Well, it's true! I miss my dog Duchess sooooooo much! Do you miss your house?

My grandparents, well, really my grandma can be such a NAG, with a capital N! There's one kangaroo who is hurt and is really tame who eats out of my hand. COOL, huh? I bet you could never get an animal to eat out of your hands!

Well, gotta go!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Your Friend
Leslie E. Nettles

Hello, and welcome to the portion of our story entitled Awesomely True Facts About Australia! As you probably know, the seasons Down Under are opposite those of the U.S. So when we are experiencing summer here, in Australia it's wintertime. What you may not know is that IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER, because it's always 90° in Australia, every single day! It's also a little-known fact that all Ozzies have wild kangaroos in their backyards. Kangaroos are kind of like the raccoons of Australia. Except they don't have opposable thumbs. And they like to be stroked when injured.

DearTO: Leslie Elizabeth Nettles,

For your information, ELIZABETH, my Aunt & Uncle and cousins live on a farm (SORT OF) here in Vermont. SO animals like goats and stuff eat RIGHT out of my hands. SO THERE! So chow yourself out!

Andrea Heather Forleene

P.S. Your grandma's right to NAG you!

In patented Sada style, my character goes totally frigging psycho after the smallest provocation. Also, I think there was some (unwritten) backstory about how Leslie hated her middle name, hence Andrea referring to her as Elizabeth in CRAZY CAPS™. However, I do enjoy "Chow yourself out!" as an insult. I like to think of it as a less-sophisticated version of "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier?"—except I think it might involve overindulgence at the Old Country Buffet.

Dear Andrea,

Listen, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be a brat but I was just sooooo excited about the KANGAROO eating out of my hand. By the way, my grandmother does NOT have the right to nag me.

In your next letter, I hope you aren't mad at me! Gueese what? I met this really neat boy/guy? named Todd. He's got brown hair and green eyes! His grandmother lives down here too. He seems like he's pretty smart but I don't know.

Write Back Soon!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Your Friend,
Leslie E. Nettles

Well, I'm not surprised she doesn't know if Todd's smart. She can't even tell if he's a boy/guy!

Dear Leslie Patricia, [Because Patricia is a waaaay hipper name that Elizabeth.]

Well O.K. you're forgiven, just don't act so conceited! O.K. I guess you can't help it. [Ooh, BURN!] Tell me more about TODD! He sounds SUPER GREAT! No boys around here except for my dad, Sean, and my cousins Danny (10) and Aaron (5). Danny has a crush on me! MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. Isn't that sick? I hope the KANGAROO feels better. O.K. so my other cousin is a girl and her name is Allison and she's 12 and we call her Allie.

Your friend, Andi

P.S. Write back soon.

Thankfully, all those Flowers in the Attic viewings haven't warp Andrea's ideas about what activities are appropriate to engage in with your own flesh and blood.

Dear Andrea,

Hi! Listen, I don't think Andi is such a good name, I mean it's just really not your style! Really, who gave you that name? Any way if you like it, Andi.

Sooo, you want to know more about MY Todd? ["MY" is actually underlined three times in three different colors, but I could only use one here.] You're probably thinking: "her Todd," huh? Well, he asked me to go to the BEACH with him! ALONE! Without any adults! COOL!

It really is gross about Danny! Listen is he cute? How's your aunt? My grandma is just great. Oh, my grandpa caught a 27 bl. fish. Gotta go

Chow-Chow, Taa
Your Friend,
Leslie, (Lesi)

More Awesomely True Facts About Australia: They don't actually use the metric system there. Instead, they use an obscure version the United States customary system in which everything is spelled backwards. That fish weighed 27 sdnuop!

Also, I'm not going to make a joke about Leslie's new nickname and Todd's questionable gender. I AM TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.

Dear Les,

Well, I don't think Lesi is the name for you. Les and Lesli would be O.K. I can't believe you asked if Danny was cute! I mean, he's only a child, besides you have "your Todd" remember. Anyway, O.K., what did you DO at the beach and I'm not being gross, Les. My cousin Allie is really cool and really nice! She took me to the mall yesterday and I got you a present. Wait and see what it is.

Your friend,
Hillary Diana

P.S. I'm changing my name to Hillary, OK?

If you've been paying attention, you may have noted that Andrea's wantin'-to-be-kissin' cousin is only six months younger than she is. An infant, clearly.

Dear Hillary,

You know I like that name! I think I'd like to meet Allie! She sounds cool! When I come back you have to take me to Vermont! Anyway, you have a sick mind! Todd and I went on a walk along the beach and then we went for a soda. Cool, huh!? Your right though, it was gross asking about Danny! I found out something you might be interested in! Todd has got a brother, TWin brother!

Write Soon

Chow-Chow, Taa

Lesli!

Nothing like a walk on the beach in winter. Good thing Australia is 90° year-round! I must say, though, I have my doubts about this intercontinental blind date scheme.

Dear Lesli,

You are right! Allie is cool! What's Todd's brother's name? And I don't have a sick mind!!! By the way, did you share a soda!?! O.K. I was only joking, Les. So when's the wedding? O.K. No more. I stopped. Allie is really nice! We went to the movies and she introduced me to Jeremy, this super-great seventh grader! My new name is Diane. Do you like that name? There are so many names. I hate the name "Andrea"!

Your friend,

Di

I don't know why I had all these characters who were dissatisfied with their names. I've always been kind of fond of mine. I do, however, remember constantly coming up with nicknames for myself (for example, Biff) that never, ever stuck. I can't imagine why.

Dear Di,

I've got a new image! I've got a totally COOL new wardrobe. Todd has this cousin, Glory, who is really cool and she went shopping with me! I got a cool pink skirt with a yellow shirt. So COOL! Todd and I went to the movies and he, well, he sort of, well..., he, uh, he KISSED ME! Uggg! asked me to go to a party with him. Glory helped me pick out this cool dress too! It's just so cool! Oh, yeah, Brian, well, he wants to meet you! But, it's going to be sort of hard for you to meet, but I gave him your address!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Lesli!

And that's it. I mean, if Katie was going to RENEGE ON THE KISSING (the hell?!), where was this story going to go? Plus, she totally stole my getting-made-over-by-a-cool-cousin plotline. Godammit! How was I ever going to top the pink skirt and yellow shirt combo??? She set the coolness bar way too high.

NEXT TIME: Fifth grade book reports, a.k.a. an excuse for 11-year-old me to write some pretty terrible jacket copy.

Until then... Chow-Chow, Taa!

I Want Candy

Last time you read my entry into the fifth grade Advanced Reading Class's playwriting competition. This time? You get to read one of the winners! Because not only did I save my own abominably written plays, I also saved my classmate's. I'm a minimalist's worst nightmare.

Melisa's Problem was penned by one of my fellow advanced readers—who will remain anonymous here, as I haven't seen her since 1992 and don't exactly have her permission to publish this (shhh!). The following Very Special Blog Entry is what happens when you combine the viewing of one too many after-school specials with a fifth grader's knowledge about what it's like to take drugs. In other words, UNADULTERATED AWESOME.

Melisa's Problem

Narrator- Setting is in Melisa's room doing homework

Oh, the fifth grader's narrator. Known in some circles as "Captain Obvious."

Melony- Now what's the history of-

Melisa- Wait, I'm really hungry, would you like a snack, maybe candy?

Melony- Well, I guess you could say we're hungry. We've been studying for hours. Why, I'd love some candy.

I guess you could say it's candy. Well, except for the part where it's DRUGS.

Melisa- Good, because this candy is especially for us.

Melony- What?

Melisa- Never mind.

Yeah, it's caaandy, Melony. Totally candy. Definitely not drugs. Candy candy candy. JUST EAT IT ALREADY.

Mmm... druglicious.

Narrator- Melony is not looking at the candy she's eating and puts it in her mouth while asking Melisa a question.

Melony- Umm. This candy is good. Can I have some more?

You can tell that drugs are powerful because you become addicted the instant they touch your tongue. Taste buds LOVE THE DRUGS.

Melisa- Why sure. There's plenty from where it came from.

Whoo boy, Melisa has got candy drugs galore! She's the Willy Wonka of pharmaceuticals. Or the Willy Wonka of candy. (But wait, wouldn't that make her, like, the regular Willy Wonka? Man, this play is complex!)

"Dude. This candy will give you pure imagination. Seriously!"

Melony- What's the history of Abraham Lincoln's life?

Melisa- (chewing candy) Well, he was the 16th president of the United States from 1861 through 1865.

Melony- Let's stop for now. I think you know lots of it.

Yes, excellent summary of Abe's life. You girls are gonna to ace that test! All thanks to drugs!

Melisa- Here's your drugs candy you asked for.

Melony- Thanks. What kind of candy is this anyway?

The kind of candy that gets you so excited, so excited, and so... SCARED.

Melisa- Ur, um...let's get back to the homework, I think we need to study more.

Melony- Just tell me what kind it is because I'd like some of my own.

Melisa- They're, ...Boppers.

Melony- I've never tasted this kind of candy before. What flavor is it?

Melisa- It's...lemon-lime!

Melony- What?

Yeah. Drugs pretty much taste like Sprite. I can't believe you guys didn't know that.

Melisa- It's out at very few stores now. I recently got mine.

Melony- Well, where did you get yours?

The drugstore? Ba dum bum!

Melisa- I got mine at, at, um, I don't remember.

Melony-(still eating bits of candy)- That's okay. Let's get back to our homework.

(Narrator- The next day, Melony wanted the candy she couldn't resist. So she went over to Melisa's house to see if she had more.)

By this time tomorrow Melony is going to be hanging out with Bubbles, stealing copper plumbing off the back of a truck.

Mother- Oh, hi Melony. Come in. Melisa will be down shortly.

Melisa- Hi Melony.

Melony- Hi Melisa, I need to talk to you upstairs.

Melony: Just hand over the Boppers, Melisa, and no one gets hurt.

Melisa- Come on up.

(Narrator- Melony and Melissa walk upstairs to the bedroom and all of a sudden, Melony faints. Melisa is in shock, wondering what to do.)

Holy what! Actually, this is kind of like what happened on Dawson's Creek when Andie took Ecstasy at that, ahem, "rave." Perhaps we are to assume the Candecstasy is interacting with Melony's antidepressants?

Melisa- Mom! Come quick! Melony fainted.

Mother(while running up the stairs)- What??

Melisa- Melony just fainted like that!

Mother- Oh my! (breathing heavily) I'll call a doctor, an ambulance.

Melisa(crying)- Oh what have I done, Melony please say something, please!

END OF PART 1

PART 2

(Narrator- After the terrible news is told to her parents, Melony is sent to the emergency room, in shock.)

Yeah, first they tracked down her parents and THEN they sent her to the ER.

Melisa- Doctor? How is...

Male nurse dressed in white- Sorry, but I'm not your doctor.

Yeah, my anonymous classmate (let's just call her Melisony) totally threw in a little dig about making occupational presumptions based on gender. Feminist in the making!

Doctor- Can I see the parents of Melony Sparkle?

Best last name ever.

(Parents pace about in worry)- Yes doctor, what is it?

I portrayed the doctor in our production. I wore some extremely oversized scrubs and got to deliver technical lines such as the following:

Doctor- There has been a finding that you should be concerned about. We tested your daughter's blood and found drugs in her system.

Parent's(at the same time)- WHAT!

Parents: What kind of drugs?
Doctor: Lemon-lime flavored. I'm so sorry.

Melony's mother- How could this be?

Melony's father- Our daughter is not like this.

Doctor- Well---

Doctor: Hate to break it to you, but according to the toxicology report, she is totally like this.

Melisa- Wait! I'm the cause of this! I've been giving her the drugs, and lying to her about it.

Melisa's mother- No! No! Not you, this just can't be. I don't believe you! I'm very angry! How could you do this (ending in a cry)

(Narrator- everyone turns to Melissa in surprise, worry, and anger)

Oh, you guys, the emotions are running high! (Get it? HIGH??)

Melony's mother(crying)- How could you do this to your best friend, and my daughter!?

Melisa(crying)- Well, this is hard to say but, I wanted someone with me to take the drugs so I wouldn't be frightened, or threatened. I chose my best friend. I wanted her and I to be cool.

Getting high and reading about Abe Lincoln? Super cool! Like, the coolest. Please. You were totally on the track to popularity, Melisa!

Melisa's mother- Taking drugs is a terrible thing to do to your life, and it's NOT cool. Who's been selling them to you?

YOU, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!

Melisa- This kid at school who gave me some candy. I asked him for more, but then he told me to give him my lunch money for more.

First your lunch money—then, next thing you know, you're selling your 10-year-old body on a street corner in exchange for some sweet, sweet Boppers.

Doctor- Mrs. Sparkle, Mr. Sparkle, and Ms. Kendall, your daughters need treatment right away and um, serious help for Melisa.

That was my best line, in which I implied that Melisa needed a large dose brain meds.

Melisa's mother- When Melony gets better, I want you to invite your friends over for dinner and we can have an intervention talk.

Melisa- All right, mom. I'm really sorry(crying and hugging her mother)

Doctor- Taking drugs at your age can get you more addicted to them, taking away your life earlier. Melissa, I think you should um, I think you should take your mother's advice, that's if you don't want to die at a young age.

But if you DO want to die at a young age? Then bring on the Boppers! Eat up, Melisa!

Sidenote: Why does my character say "um" all the time? Way to make me sound like an idiot, Melisony. I'm a professional, dammit! I have to tell people their kids are hooked on candy drugs EVERY DAY!

Melisa's mother- I'll do the best I can to make sure she doesn't!

Nurse- You can see Melony now. She's doing fine.

Everybody walks in the room not saying a word.

Melony(speaking above a whisper)- Mom, why am I here? (Getting excited [so excited?] and louder) What's going on here, I want to go home (in a panic)!

Melony's mother- Don't get so excited [I knew it!!!], calm down, you're fine, (rubbing her daugher's head)

And that might be where it ends. Or I may have lost the final page of the manuscript. Does it really matter? Melisa confessed her nefarious get-cool-quick scheme and everyone agreed that she needed, um, serious help unless she wants to end up like River Phoenix. Minus the fame/acting career.

Now you could look at this play as a satirical commentary on how high-fructose corn syrup is actually a drug that we voluntarily let our kids get hooked on, except... no you can't. It's pretty much just about candy crack.

Disturbingly, the drugs-masquerading-as-candy scenario might not even be that far-fetched, as some meth manufacturers have apparently cooked up something that resembles fruit-flavored Pop Rocks.

Real-ass candy drugs. They do look kind of yummy.

Hmm, I wonder what my old classmate is up to these days...

NEXT TIME: A story about pen pals whose favorite foods are chocolate cigars and Korean chicken balls. Really.

Secrets, secrets are no fun

Our elementary school's Gifted & Talented program had a red-headed stepchild called Mrs. Donnelly's Advanced Reading Class. Actually, in Mrs. Donnelly's case, it was more of a dyed-blond-and-set-at-the-beauty-parlor-every-week stepchild, and it reeked of perfume. Oh man, did it ever reek of perfume. This was especially unfortunate because the Advanced Reading Class was held in a windowless room that was definitely meant to be a supply closet.

One of our extremely advanced reading class assignments was to write a play. Mrs. Donnelly selected two of the plays to be performed by us at a lunchtime assembly. One involved a Sherlock Holmes type—portrayed by my one true love, Sig—who solved a mystery. (My friend Becca was cast as a maid in this one, and Mrs. Donnelly quickly offered up an outfit—apparently the Donnellys had a cache of maid uniforms at home for the purpose of attiring the hired help at their many soirees. We found this revelation appalling.) The other play involved girls who got hooked on some amazingly tasty candy that was—surprise, kids!—DRUGS.

I think I mentioned all of this during the discussion of Gymnastics Camp, but I've since realized that I was getting my plays confused. The play I actually entered in our class-wide competition was not about obnoxious young back-flippers, but about fifth graders involved in spreading the world's most uninteresting gossip. I'm not being modest when I say it displays neither giftedness nor talent.


No, the secret is not that Nancy (on the left) was born without a forehead, neck, or shoulders. Everyone knows that! Nor is the secret that Cara (on the right) is stepping on Nancy's foot. That's totally obvs! But, you guys, whatever the secret is, it must be REALLY, REALLY JUICY, right? Because Cara looks shocked! Absolutely shocked!

Title: The Big Secret

Cast of Characters:
Nancy
Cara
Jodie
Adam
Ben
Mom

Setting (Time and Place): Outside the school.

Narrator: Nancy has a big secret. She wasn't going to tell anyone, but she feels like she has to.

Nancy: (coming over to Cara, Adam, Jodie, and Ben) Listen. Cara, I have something to tell you. It's a big secret, so come over here. (Nancy and Cara walk away) My mom is going to have triplets!


Wait, WHAT? Why on earth does Cara find triplets so alarming? Could it be because Nancy, who has no arms of her own, likes to gnaw on baby limbs? (I mean, that's what's going on in that illustration, right?)

Cara: Nancy, that's great! Wait'll I tell Jodie. She'll never believe it!

Nancy: No, Cara! It's a secret. My mom wants it to be a surprise. She told me not to tell anybody, but I had to tell somebody.

How do you surprise people with triplets? "Oh, what, you guys thought I was having ONE baby? Well, I totally had THREE! BOOYAH, suckers!"

Cara: O.K. I swear I won't tell anybody. (Walk back over to the group)

Jodie: What did Nancy want?

Cara: Come here. (Walk away with Jodie) You'll never believe it! Nancy's mom is going to have triplets!

Jodie: "But doesn't Nancy like to eat babies?"
Cara: "Yeah, that's probably why they're having so many."

Wow, Cara let the cat out of the bag AND lost her socks in a total of 5 seconds. And now she's... uh... impersonating Popeye??

Jodie: You're kidding! How cool! I have to tell Adam and Ben.

I think I eased up on the illustrations when I realized I would soon have to depict Adam and Ben. I was allergic to drawing boys.

Cara: No, Jodie. You can't. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. Nancy will kill me if she finds out I told you.

Yes, PLEASE tell me there's going to be a murder in this play!

Jodie: Don't worry, Cara. Adam can keep a secret. I just won't tell Ben.

Cara: O.K. Just make sure Ben doesn't find out. Then the whole school will know. (Walks over to Adam and Ben) Adam, Jodie wants you.

Adam: (walks over to Jodie) What?

Jodie: Can you keep a secret?

Adam: Yeah.

Jodie: Nancy's mom is going to have triplets!

Adam: Awesome! My sister had twins.

Jodie: Two is nothing compared to three.

I love how Jodie says this like she has been there. Also, were triplets really this exciting in fifth grade, or had Ann M. Martin seriously warped my brain? Wouldn't the more likely reaction be something like: "My house is going to be filled with three crying babies instead of one? I hate you, mom and dad! I'm running away!"

Oh yes, running away would definitely improve this play. As would some sweet, sweet candy drugs—which might just induce a homicidal rage! Nancy would then, of course, have to hide the corpses in her secret passage. Now THAT would be a big secret. I am so rewriting this.

On a side note, I just Googled "Pike triplets" (yes, yes I did) and I found this article about some real-life Pike triplets who have "almond-shaped eyes." I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Article was clearly written by one of the BSC's ghostwriters.

Adam: I have to tell Ben.

Because nothing is more exciting to a 10-year-old boy than finding out his classmate's mom is going to pop out three little ones!

Jodie: No way. I told Cara I wouldn't tell Ben. He has such a big mouth.

Adam: None of my friends have big mouths, except for you and Cara. (Walks over to Ben and Cara) Come on, Ben. (Walks away with Ben)

Cara: (runs over to Jodie) What are they saying?

Jodie: How should I know?

Not only are they gossip mongers, they're also idiots.

Adam: Ben, I'm telling you this because Jodie said you have a big mouth.

Ben: I do not!

Adam: Exactly. That's why I'm telling you.

That Adam, he's a man boy of principles.

Ben: Telling me what?

Adam: That Nancy's mom is having triplets.

Ben: Right now?

Adam: I guess.

Ben: Well, come how Nancy's at school?

Adam: I don't know. Why don't you ask her?

Ben: O.K. I will. (Walks over to Nancy) Hi, Nancy.

Nancy: Hi, Ben.

Ben: Why are you at school if you're mom's at the hospital.

Nancy: My mom's not sick.

Ben: I know.

Nancy: Then why would she be at the hospital?

Ben: I thought she was having triplets.

Nancy: (screams) CARA!

Kill, Nancy! KILL! KILL!

Cara: (runs over) What?

Nancy: (walks away with Cara) Why did you tell Ben about my mom.

Cara: I didn't. I would never tell Ben. He has such a big mouth.

Um, Cara? You might not want to throw stones when you're living in a loose-lipped house of your own there.

Nancy: Who did you tell?

Cara: Well...

Nancy: WHO?!?

Cara: Jodie.

Nancy: (Runs over to Jodie) Why did you tell Ben about my mom.

Jodie: What's wrong with your mom?

Nancy: You know.

Jodie: What?

Way too play it cool, Jodie. She'll never suspect!

Nancy: Come on, Jodie. Cara told me she told you.

Jodie: O.K. She did.

Nancy: Why did you tell Ben?

Jodie: Ben? Big-mouth Ben? No way. I told Adam. I bet he told Ben. Even after I told him not to.

OMG, because who would do THAT?

Nancy: (Runs over to Adam) Why did you tell Ben about my mom?

Adam: How come you're here if your mom is having babies.

Nancy: She isn't. Why did you tell Ben?

Adam: Because he's my friend. Besides, Jodie said he had a big mouth.

Nancy: That's no reason.

(Bell rings. Everyone goes inside.)

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN! What a cliffhanger!

Scene II

Setting: Nancy's house

Narrator: Nancy decides to tell her mom why the whole school knows she's having triplets.

That's right, the entire elementary school is abuzz with the baby news. They can't WAIT! The computer club is probably printing up an über-pixelated "WELCOME TRIPLETS" banner on a roll of perforated paper AS WE SPEAK.

Nancy: (walks into the room) Hi, mom.

Mom: Hi, Nancy. How was school?

Nancy: Well, mom. You know how you told me about the triplets?

Mom: Yes. I know I can trust you.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, sorry.

Nancy: Maybe you can't.

Mom: What do you mean?

Nancy: I couldn't keep a secret, Mom. I told my friend, Cara.

Mom: One person can't hurt.

"I can still shock everyone else with my amazing ability to procreate! BOW BEFORE MY FERTILE AND SPACIOUS WOMB! BOOOOOOOW!"

Nancy: Yeah, but then Cara told Jodie and Jodie told Adam and Adam told Ben and Ben told the rest of the school.

Mom: I guess it won't be a surprise.

Because the elementary school population was definitely the prime target from which to keep this secret.

Nancy: You're not mad.

Mom: No, I think you've learned your lesson. Next time you'll know better. I still trust you, Nance.

What lesson? That it's totally cool to break someone's trust as long as you only tell ONE person (and that one person isn't Big-Mouth Ben)?

Nancy: You're the best mom in the world.

Narrator: The end.

Then, because you'd obviously want to know more about the literary genius who came up with this ground-breaking plot:

About the Author

Sada is 11½ years old and in the fifth grade at Fairfax Elementary School. She likes to read, write and draw. Sada also enjoys ice skating and swimming. She likes arts and crafts as well. She lives with her mother, her father, sister, brother, turtle, Jaws, and the guinea pigs, Baby, Rosie, and Peachy.

The turtle's name was Jaws. I did not live with the island-terrorizing great white shark.

NEXT TIME: If I can find it, the CANDY CRACK play! If not, something else.

That's Me!

In fifth grade, we had a class assignment to write our autobiography. This should have been a piece of cake for me. I mean, I wrote at home all the time... FOR FUN. But? Those were stories about punk rock Valley girls! Runaway cult members! Girls who dressed up like hookers for Halloween and wired the insides of trees in their spare time! In other words, people with much more interesting lives than mine. What did I have to offer the world? Let's see...

In my first attempt, I took a straightforward approach:

I was born on June 24, 1977. It was dinnertime. I was named Sada Rose. Sada after Sada Thompson an actress on the T.V. show, FAMILY. Rose after my grandmother's maiden name. I was Halle and Charles's first child, their first little girl. I was born at home in Buffalo, New York.

Blah blah freakin' blah. Where was the DRAMA? The biker gangs? The secret passages? The Wheel of Fortune wins? I quickly jotted down the most important points to cover in my 11 years of existence:

Born
Genie born
Will born
Pets
Friends
Houses
Family
School
Fights
Vacations
Getting Hurt Badly
Interesting things

Could this work? Could I pull it off and transform myself into a fascinating protagonist?

Well, apparently not. Instead I decided to go in the complete opposite direction, by insisting to the reader that I was BORING AS ALL GET-OUT. Here's how I began Draft #2:

I HAVE A BORING LIFE

I HAVE A BORING LIFE
I HAVE A

My mother says I don't have a boring life. My grandmother says I don't have a boring life. My father says I don't have a boring life.

I HAVE A BORING LIFE.

As you can see, I was keeping expectations low. EXTREMELY LOW.

I was born, naturally, but that's boring. EVERYONE was born. I was born at home.

When I was a baby, I went to King's Island. I met ______________. But I don't remember. That's boring to me.

You know who the blank is? MUHAMMAD ALI! Totally not boring! When I was six months old, my mom and I happened upon him while flying out of NYC, and he not only held me, he even kissed me! And I cried. And my mom didn't take a single photo, a fact over which she should still be kicking herself. That could have MADE this autobiography.

When I was a baby, I went to the Virgin Islands. WOW. WHERE ARE THE VIRGIN ISLANDS?

Not only was I boring, I also lacked basic geography skills. Or looking-at-a-map skills. Or asking-my-parents skills.

But, man, I was onto something with this "boring" theme! It was time to set to work on the final draft. Here's what I turned in to my teacher (photos and all).

THAT'S ME!

This book is dedicated to:
my parents
because without their help I never
would have had this life

Bow chicka wow wow! On the other hand, that could be translated as "Without you two I never would have had such a BORING life!"

Since I think I have a boring life, the most exciting way to write this story would be to tell you everyone's suggestions...and things I remember.

SPOILER: That might, in fact, be the LEAST exciting way to write this story.


You guys, I loved this pile of dirt. LOVED IT. In fact, check out this other photo (not part of the book, but included here for your viewing enjoyment), where I'm all, "Holy God! This is the best pile of dirt EVER!":

DIRT RULES!

"I have a boring life." I exclaimed. I had just walked into my little brother's room. It was the week-end and the morning.

I was right! This is boring already!

My mom tried to be helpful. "When you were little you used to lay down and suck your fingers to go to sleep." she said.

And then there's a photo of... me sitting on a stoop with some disembodied legs?

The caption for this one reads "Me (notice the slippers)." I have no idea why. Of much greater interest is my MAINE POTATOES shirt, because my family calls me Sada Potato. For those of you who don't know me, that rhymes.

"What about me?" asked my little brother, Will. He won't be left out of a conversation.

"Well," said mom. "You used to call Josh:Dosh, Sada:Ada, and Genie:Nenie."

Will laughed into his pillow.

"And Genie used to call American Cheese: AMERICACHINO." added mom.

More hysterical laughter from Will.

I rolled my eyes.


My sister had a Groucho Marx mask that she bafflingly referred to as her "Philip Face." Here I model the mind-blowing Philip Face and peach leotard combo. Hipsters, you might want to be writing this down.

"I have a boring life." I said to my grandma.

"A BORING LIFE." cried Grandma. "I think you have one of the most exciting lives of any 11-year-old."

She went on to make suggestions:

Me wearing my Santa pajamas.

"You traveled to the Virgin Islands when you were a baby. How many people do you think have done that?" questioned Grandma.

"I don't remember." I said.

"You've seen your brother and sister being born." continued Grandma.

"I don't remember Genie." I told her. (Genie is my little sister, of course.)

My siblings and I were all born at home (a detail that I clearly had to leave out, lest I make this autobiography slightly interesting), and I was present at their births. But whatever. The miracle of life? BORING.

Me and dad on the boat, cruising the Carribean

I neglected to mention that we stayed on a houseboat in the Virgin Islands. I know, right? Being on a boat? TOTALLY BORING.

I remember stories my mom told me like the time I was in my crib.

I was supposed to be taking a nap. I saw our neighbor and I started to wave and call, "JULIE. JULIE." Then, I fell out of my crib and out of the window.

YES! Finally we get to some good stuff, i.e., Getting Hurt Badly by Falling Out of a Window! Well, except for this:

OOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSS.....

My mom just came in and told me I fell out of the crib (I'd been leaning out of the window) and smacked my head really badly on the hardwood floor.

That was the end of the crib.

...And the end of this story, which was way better when I thought I fell out of the window. Falling on the floor? BORING!

Me doing "exercises"

Please note the Super '70s playpen and the sock monkeys strewn willy-nilly.

When I was little my feet used to point in so, I wore a brace (on my feet) that kept them out. My mom's friend, Maura says I used to walk around with it on my feet.

Me and the brace (I used to make that face all the time)

Yes, everyone, I was dropped on the head AND I was pigeon-toed. You want to make fun? Just try it! I know Muhammad Ali!

Well, back to Will's room.

I was asking my mom about when I was in the hospital.

"Well," she began. "You were yellow."

"Yellow?" I repeated.

"Yellow." she said.

The first photo in the infamous "Eating Sand" series...

"And," she continued. "We took you to the hospital. Your blood was different than mine. So, they poked and prodded you and gave you blood transfusions and all that." She went on and on and on and on and on..........

In other words: BORING! I mean, my body was just REJECTING MY BLOOD. No big whoop.

I could tell funny, interesting, exciting stories about my brother or sister.

BUT NOT ME.

So that's my boring life.

What do you think?

My teacher's comments?

Excellent! You did a wonderful job on this aubobiography Sada!

I am not kidding. It definitely says "aubobiography." Which probably explains a lot.

NEXT TIME: Fifth graders cannot keep their stinkin' traps shut in THE BIG SECRET.