Wednesday, October 8, 2008

P*R*E*T*E*E*N

Well, we're back in the ol' books-that-never-were vault, and this one strays a bit from my normal formula. Typed on a sheet of 6" x 9" paper, it simply reads:

P*R*E*T*E*E*N

All right, everyone writes books about teenagers and all of their problems. Well, teens aren't the only ones with problems. This book is about preteens, who have more problems than they can handle. Preteens are the ages of 10, 11, and 12. This is a book about real life and what goes on with kids these days.

Was this going to be nonfiction? Whoa! Like What's Happening To Me–style nonfiction (but please, if there's a God, with less nudity)? Or something grittier, like a compilation of anonymous vignettes that bring the reader face to face with the harrowing tween reality? Or are we talking interviews with my friends complaining about how they're not allowed to watch MTV?

Couldn't say. And what were all these problems I was yammering on about? Well, other than the fear of being bitten by my younger sister, there was one issue that was weighing rather heavily on me at the end of fourth grade.

5/18/88

Journal Topic: Free Choice

I hate braces!!!!! OK, not only are they "UGLY", they're very uncomfortable, too! They scratch and cut the inside of my mouth up! GROSS! I have disgusting white marks on the side of my mouth from them! I hate braces!!!!!!!!!!

6/2/88
Journal Topic: A time in my life I'll never forget

A time in my life I'll never forget is when I got these dumb braces! I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. They're dumb, dumb, dumb. They hurt, B-A-D, bad. My gums are sore. My teeth ache. I can't chew. I brush too much. [???] Why can't my teeth stay the way they are?

Braces, braces, they're so dumb.
So many things you cannot eat.
The orthodontist says "Don't suck your thumb!"
[Or in my case, my my index and middle finger]
You want to eat something sweet,
But, no, you'll get a cavity!

Cavities! When my mom got her braces off she had 32 cavities because she didn't brush right. [Okay, that probably explains the excessive brushing I mentioned earlier.] I really don't want 32 or more holes in my teeth! GROSS! I HATE BRACES!!!!!

Oh, the woe, you guys, the POTENTIAL-CAVITY WOE. This definitely could have filled a book.

NEXT TIME: Problems of a more hormonal nature, as my diary details Year One of a crush that eventually spanned three years. Wow. That's longer than most of my adult relationships.

Also, I'm heading out of town for an extra long weekend, so you may not be able to read my diary until the end of next week. I know, I'm sure you're all chomping at the bit. In the meantime, you should check out this story that reader Val posted on her blog about Gladys Kanger, a seventh grader with a senior citizen's name who is vigilantly "ready for action"—but ew, not in a lavender heels, fur coat, and no pants kind of way, you perv. She's just on constant alert for danger. Well, mainly the danger of falling over guard rails, which I always thought were in place for the express purpose of preventing you from falling over things, but Gladys Kanger has totally proven me wrong.

3 comments:

Fear Street said...

Braces sucked, man...I remember my own experience.

I can't wait to read your diary :)

carey said...

i would like to learn more about these so-called "p*r*e*t*e*e*n*s," please!

Laura @ Hungry and Frozen said...

Mallory from the BSC put the fear of god into me about braces...which you have just reinforced lol. :)