By a Hair

Remember how I had a bit of an obsession with child sleuths? Well, guest author Heraa was on the opposite end of the spectrum. While I wanted to solve crimes, she dreamed of being the one committing them. Heraa wrote the following story—about a prepubescent burglar with shoddy hair accessories—in 2003, when she was in third grade. That's right, 2003! I'll let you do the math. It's never too soon to start making fun of yourself, people! In fact, Heraa even provided the snarky commentary (unless otherwise noted). So what are we waiting for? Let's get to the underage thieving!

Matilda smiled as she snuck in to another house on Market street. When would those people learn that locks couldn't keep her out?

Heraa says: See, I had secret ambitions of being a thief when I was younger, so most of my stories revolved around them. I never acted on the impulse.

The first room she found was a nursery. Nothing valuable there [human life—completely useless, duh]. Matilda found absoloutely [I nearly failed spelling. Only because I was a "good kid" my teacher let me do extra credit. In spelling. IN THIRD GRADE.] nothing in the second, third, and fourth [room, I'm guessing]. Then, finally, a locked room.

Heraa says: Because locked rooms = cash, in my mind.

Delicately, she plucked a booby pin from her hair. Matilda carefully bent it, but it snapped, reminding her she need to get a refund on them.

Heraa says: Jeez, this chick is CHEAP. A bobby pin? Couldn't spring for actual burglary tools?

Sada says: I don't know if "booby pin" was a third grade misspelling or 2009 typo, but I am finding it vastly amusing. ...Because apparently I am STILL in third grade. What would a booby pin look like? Maybe this:

Booby pin?

Um, or this:

Booby pin!

(Which I stole from this girl's Flickr page. I totally give booby pin credit where booby pin credit is due.)

Okay, now back to the thievery in progress:

Carefully pulling out another bobby pin, the theif failed to notice it was her last one before she would be left with only one.

Heraa says: Most awkwardly phrased sentence ever. Um, I think the word I was looking for was next-to-last.

Sada says: Free advice for Matilda: If discount booby, ahem, BOBBY pins are your only lock-picking device, I would suggest that you bring more than three with you. Heck, try a handful!

Indispensable tools for 9-year-old burglars.

Matilda wasn't having any luck with the door, as the doornob's lock was tiny.

Heraa says: And, you're using a BOBBY PIN.

As the pin in her hand broke, so did the last one in her hair.

Sada says: It broke while still in her hair? That is one cheapass bobby pin.

A mass of dark hair toppled down, and Matilda looked around wildly looking for something to hold up her hair.

Heraa says: This really was the extent of my knowledge of thieves. They MUST have something to hold up their hair, and they use bobby pins to break locks.

Sada says: They use bobby pins to break locks and to hold back their locks! Ba-dum-bum! But seriously, how can you concentrate on picking a lock with hair in your face? Impossible!

Meanwhile, one hair, the only one that got any hairspray that morning [wait, what? She only sprayed one hair?], made its way into the lock.

Heraa says: You're kidding, right? How does that happen?

As Matilda's face turned, so did the hair. And then - [I didn't...] The lock let out a sound [I did...] Matilda had wanted to hear for about an hour, it clicked.

Sada says: That's right, she picked a lock with her HAIR. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, MacGyver!

As the door swung, the girl felt her jaw drop lower and lower.

Heraa says: How low can a jaw drop? And did the door move on its own? So many questions. Don't worry, we don't get answers.

Sada says: Is it fair to assume that her magical strand of hairsprayed hair opened the door? If that sucker can unlock a door, surely it can push one open as well...

The room was filled with gold, jewels, and, to Matilda's delight, money.

Heraa says: Because gold and jewels are worth nothing without cold, hard cash.

As soon as she swiped everthing and headed home [wow, how did she carry all that?], Matilda smirked. Maybe she wouldn't get a refund on those pins after all.

Heraa says: Ohmigosh. I have never seen such a convoluted plot, ever. I think I actually beat the Sweet Valley High books. Let's recap:

1) This thief apparently breaks into houses a lot, and locks can't keep her out.

2) She's supposed to be my age at the time (nine).

3) She breaks into houses with a bobby pin. A cheaply made bobby pin that broke.

4) Matilda hairsprays ONE HAIR. And holds all of her hair up with bobby pins.

Sada says: Well, you're going to need bobby pins if you're applying hairspray to a SINGLE STRAND OF HAIR.

5) Her hairsprayed hair UNLOCKED a friggin' door that she was working on for an hour.

Sada says: She should really stop buying bobby pins at the Dollar Tree.

6) Houses on Market Street have gold, jewels, and money lying around in poorly locked rooms.

Good thing I never actually tried to steal anything—I would be relying on a hair.

NEXT TIME: Some slice-of-life tales from my fifth grade journal. And I mean that literally—someone actually loses a finger.