Well, it all started when my Aunt Cindy called. She said they were planning a surprise 40th anniversary party for my grandparents and would we come? SURE!!!
Once we got there, it turned out no one was exaaaaactly sure what year my grandparents had gotten married, so it was actually their 39th anniversary. Or maybe their 41st. In any case, not actually their 40th. Surprise!
SURPRISE WEEKEND continued..... So it's a 4(½) hour drive to Lockport, New York. So we got there OK. (Well, truthfully, me and Genie did have a fight). So when we got there we swam (everybody but mom).
The best part of any trip we went on? Swimming in the hotel pool.
Then we got dressed. I wore my new sweater dress.
FRACK, I wish I had in my possession a picture of the sweater dress. It was cream-colored, beaded, and had shoulder pads that made me look like a linebacker. In other words, the height of fashion!
So we got to the place where the party was.
The VFW Hall, I'm pretty sure, if that helps you set the scene.
My grandparents had just been dropped off by the limo.
Nothing's too good for their 40th anniversary! Or 39th. Whatever.
We saw my step-cousin, Amy. Genie didn't want to see her. I wasn't sure. Amy was really nice.
Amy's dad had recently married my aunt, and I think we had only met her once before. This time, she managed to pass muster.
We were talking and beating up on my other cousins, Stephen and Michael (the twins) and Jimmy. I hate them.
Because they're BOYS! Ew!
Amy told us Gramma and Grampa were going to be remarried - only they didn't know it.
Because what's more romantic than being coerced into renewing your vows? WHAT, I ask you!
So the time came to get remarried. They made faces. Grampa started swearing. It was funny!
At the end we threw confetti on them. Then Jimmy threw confetti at us! So we threw it back at him. It was all in my hair! Steven helped my hair, so I helped his. Then we threw some on my cousin, Jonah and his girlfriend, Rhonda. Jimmy did it too - while they were kissing! GROSS!
Jonah was in high school at the time and fairly metal. I'm sure he was THRILLED.
Then we ate. Did I say there was a deejay with his sound system? He said to call him Dr. Rock. (HA!) So we picked out songs for him (Dr. Rock (HA!)) to play. He said he wouldn't. The old people started dancing.
They were probably, like, 31.
Me and Amy gagged ourselves when "Lady in Red" came on.
I HATED "Lady in Red." Actually, I'm still not much of a fan, but I will grant you that the song is about 8 hundred million times sweeter than my grandparents' anniversary.
We had Dr. Rock [HA!] ask Jonah and Rhonda to dance! They didn't. After awhile the old people stopped dancing. Dr. Rock started to play our songs! I danced. Amy even danced with Jimmy! It was fun. We had Dr. Rock dedicate a song to Jonah and Rhonda. Then we had him dedicate "Nasty" to Amy.
That just seems wrong somehow.
My dad said it was time to go after two more songs. Two more songs were over. Ericka, Jonah's sister, just told us Jonah and Rhonda would dance to "Welcome to the Jungle." So we had Dr. Rock dedicate it to them. They didn't dance. They were EMBARASSED. But we did.
Most of my Valentine's Day plans seem to have involved embarrassing my cousins. Or beating up on them. Or dousing them with confetti.
We left. We slept. We swam. We drove. We pushed the car because it didn't work right. We had just turned onto our street when I choked on my rootbeer. I barfed twice into my hands because I couldn't breathe. Then I barfed all over.
And on that note, happy Valentine's Day everyone!
As a romantic bonus, I'm, uh, "pleased" to report that someone found this blog by Googling "make out with my feet." Seriously, you guys. I'm kind of at a loss.
NEXT TIME: Guest author Heraa's wily third grade thief makes MacGyver look like a freaking chump. Yeah, you heard me, Richard Dean Anderson.