Gilford Girls

The contents of the Gilford Girls folder (which is actually labeled Don't Be Yourself, though it contains not a word of that story) proves once and for all that I spent far more time drawing my characters—and coming up with their favorite colors!—than I ever did coming up with a plot. Any sort of plot. At all.

The story that's actually in the folder, Living in a Princess's Land....When You're Not a Princess, is a Book That Never Was™ several times over. I rewrote this sucker THREE TIMES, and yet I never got past page two. That's a profound dedication to lack of plot. For your reading enjoyment, I'm going to include all three versions, for each contains a variation in hilariousness that cannot be excluded.

But before we get to all that, let's go back to where it all began, with some pencil sketches of the Gilford Girls themselves—plus a listing of their vital statistics. [Note: If you need a closer look at, say, Anita's boombox, clicking on the drawings will enlarge them.]

The eldest of the sisters is Melanie, whose windswept hair and vacant, glassy-eyed stare seem indicative of a drug problem. She IS a tortured poet, after all.


She SO locks herself in her room and blares the Smiths because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. Then she scribbles some poems about it—with her MELANIE pencil. She's so deep!

Name: Melanie Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Black
Age: 14
When grows up: Poet

Then we are treated to a bit of her verse:

Sweet Spring Morning
Dew drop mist
hung sweet on trees.
Robins sing
the Early Song.
Breathe Deep!
Bring in the
fragrance of roses.
Wake Up!
It's a sweet spring morning.

Um, 'scuse? Shouldn't that be about 7,000 times more angsty? Apparently I did not yet realize that you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders at 14.

Next we have Anita, who has a passion for dancing in spite of her raging case of hydrocephalus (and at least one bizarrely malformed ear).


Good God, that HEAD! This may have been my first and last attempt at drawing in profile.

Name: Anita Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Rose
Age: 12½
When grows up: Dancer

Then we have Doreen, the Claudia Kishi sister. She looks utterly shocked, and I can't tell if it's because her hair has inexplicably turned to beads or because she's unfortunate enough to have acquired Michael Jackson's current nose.


Name: Doreen Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Rainbow (all)
Age: 11
When Grow Up: Artist

Then, to demonstrate Doreen's artistic prowess, I included this:


Because nothing says "precociously talented artist" like a blind mouselady with a side ponytail and pointy elf ears!

After Doreen is Gloria, the actress. I don't know how to break it to her, but there is no WAY she's going to make it in Hollywood with that weak chin and set of lopsided eyes.



Name: Gloria Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Blue
Age: 10
When Grow Up: Actress

And because I KNOW you couldn't get enough of Doreen's artistry:
Gloria was going to be the narrator of Don't Be Yourself. (Don't be yourself! Because she's an actress! Get it???) To that end, the folder contains... uh... inscriptions from Gloria's yearbook? Um, WTF? We didn't even have yearbooks when I was in fifth grade! Please tell me someone else did this!

The yearbook is basically a thinly veiled excuse for various Friendship characters to plug their own books. And for me to practice my mad handwriting skillz. Check it out:



Regina Grubble's book: One of the Best Friends You Ever Had.


Anne Montgomery's book: If the Shoe Fits, Wear It. (p.s. What self-respecting 10-year-old willingly refers to herself as Fanny?)


Sara Doone's books: Me, Super-Girl and its heavily foreshadowed sequel, Super-Girl Flies Again.



Melanie Tibbets' book? You'll never believe it!: Life After Death. Which makes for a totally creepy yearbook inscription, no?


What, I couldn't think of a way to work in Take-Out Order? How about "You were great! I'll see you this summer when you pick up your take-out orders! Love, Lisa"? BOOM.


Justine didn't have her own book, but her older sister did, and the "tough times" she's referring to? That would be finding out that the woman she thought was her mom? Yeah, not really her mom at all, but someone who SECRETLY KIDNAPPED HER AS A CHILD. Tough times indeed.

No book title here, but I dare say there should be.



Her handwriting looks so popular!


Last up is tomboy Patsy, who looks frighteningly like a young Paula Poundstone. She seems to be wearing a batting helmet for fun, and is definitely giving some unfortunate soul the crazy eye.

Name: Patsy Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Purple
Age: 9
When grow up: First ever woman baseball player!

This was circa 1989, so A League of Their Own hadn't come out yet.

Young Patsy is the narrator of our oft-rewrit tale. Now that you have some (disturbing?) mental images to accompany the prose, let's hop to it!

VERSION #1:

LIVING IN A PRINCESS'S LAND....WHEN YOU'RE NOT A PRINCESS

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the baby of the family? To have 4 accomplished big sisters? Well I do. My name is Patsy Gilford. I guess I'm sort of a tomboy. The reason is this: The thing I love most in the world is baseball. Every other one of my sisters has some special talent. But not me. Not Patsy. NO WAY.

I like how, in my mind, athleticism was not a talent. Have I mentioned that I used to get picked last in gym class?

MELANIE GILFORD. The oldest in the family. Sophisticated Melanie is 14. Her poems never rhyme; And I quote, "Rhyming is babyish." If I need to write a poem for English, I come to her for help and she says, "Patsy, dear, that would be like cheating, having an experienced poet like myself, helping you." So my poems always rhyme. Melanie's favorite color is black because, and I quote, "Black, to myself and most other poets, seems to have more life than hot pink."

Settle down there, Johnny Cash. By the way, my idea of a "poet" was based entirely on Myron Krupnik's students in Anastasia Krupnik. Key point: Poets wear black. Lots of black.

ANITA GILFORD. She is the most serious dancer you will ever meet. [Booyah, Baryshnikov!] Ballet/Dance class after school Monday-Friday. Every morning she wakes up at 5:30 and exercises. I quote, "A dancer has to stay in shape. Exercise and plenty of sleep. Relax your muscles." She goes to bed at 7:30. She's always asleep by 8:00. Well, her ballet class is doing "The Nutcracker", Anita's favorite movie, for their show. It's between Anita and her best friend, Amie South, of who will get the lead female role of Clara.

What the hell Nutcracker movie am I talking about? Does anyone recall a popular Nutcracker film?

DOREEN GILFORD. This 11-year-old was a born artist. And she still is. [Good thing I clarified that!] Doreen does not have a favorite color because, and I quote, "All colors are equal. It's not really the color itself that's important; it's the color's meaning that counts." Doreen, for some queer reason, likes sleeping in until noon on the weekend. [Probably so she can avoid Anita and her gartantuan head.] Living with her bedroom like an art museum, this stylish girl loves sunlight and nature.

Why does this all of a sudden feel like an ad for mail-order brides?

GLORIA GILFORD. We didn't realize what Gloria's talent was until last year when she snatched the leading female role of Cinderella out of the 5th graders hands and elegantly strolled past their faces with a peculiar grin on her face. [Creepy!] At that time she was only a 4th grader. Everyone was amazed with Gloria's new-found talent. Before that, Gloria and I had searched for talents so we could be like our big sisters. After Gloria found hers it left me on my own.

I gave up. I admit it. I'm a quitter. But the others didn't find theirs when they were looking. So why should I bother to look anyway? Give me one good reason why and I will. Can you think of any thing. NO. Well, I didn't think you could anyway. Now don't give me any flimsy

You can see I was rapidly running out of steam. The plot of the book was supposed to be Patsy searching for—and ultimately discovering—her own talent. Whatever that was. I decided to give it another shot, this time without quite so much quoting.

VERSION #2:

Living in a Princess's Land

You have no idea what it's like to be the baby of the family. To have 4 older, accomplished sisters who do everything right. They're perfect. They have good manners, style. They're perfect young women!

My name's Patsy Gilford. I'm 9. I just started 4th grade yesterday. My sisters are Melanie (14), Anita (12½), Doreen (11), and Gloria (10).

I'm sort of a tomboy, I guess. I L-O-V-E love baseball. Last year I was the best. That was at my old school. We moved because we needed more space. I mean, I was sharing a room with Gloria and Doreen.

The horror!

Let me tell you about Melanie. She's a poet. Some of her poems were even printed in magazines!

Yeah, magazines published by the International Library of Poetry, maybe.

Her long brown hair falls down to her armpits. [Always classy to mention armpits in a character description.] Every morning she wakes up early and sweeps it quickly over to the side - I think. She has pretty awesome taste in clothes, though she's a bit on the "cukoo" side. Talk about sensitive!

But is she...

Please, please, please, let me get what I want

Then there's Anita, the very becoming dancer. She transformed our basement into a dance studio in 1 week. Anita is quite serious about her dancing. She goes to classes everyday after school. All her radios and tapes! I mean, her favorite movie is the "Nutcracker"! Anita dresses baggy and exercises every morning, waking up at 5:30!

How many radios does one ballerina need? Also, note how I nixed the "going to bed at 7:30" lunacy. But seriously, what's up with the Nutcracker movie! Is there any way I could be referring to Six Weeks, the Dudley Moore drama in which there's a 12-year-old leukemia-riddled aspiring ballerina? The poor girl finally realizes her dream of dancing in the Nutcracker—only to pass out very dramatically on the subway afterward, and her mom (aka Mary Tyler Moore) totally freaks out because her daughter is DYING ON A CROWDED SUBWAY TRAIN, OH MY GOD. Yeah, I loved that movie.

We knew Doreen's talent was drawing - especially when she won the "Easter Bunny" drawing contest. She was 4 years old!

Ah yes, the famous Easter Bunny drawing contest. Later, she probably got into art school by drawing a turtle and pirate.

"Sweet pirate! You're in!"

She's got a studio for all her work. Doreen's got radical taste - even better than Melanie's! She's always doing something different with her hair. Doreen's so cool!

Gloria's got natural acting talent. We didn't find out until last year when her class did a play. Gloria was cast as the lead female. We were all wowed! She dresses pretty casual, like me. I'm the closest to Gloria than my other 3 sisters. We understand each other - most of the time!

* * *

"What are you doing?!?!?" shrieks Anita, as I walk into the basement.

"Looking for my old mitt." I say casually.

"It's not here." she says stubbornly. I keep looking. "I'm positively certain." I keep on. "Well, fine, look if you want. But don't make any noise."

There are those impeccable manners Patsy mentioned!

Anita gets back to her routine. She hums with the music as she performs perfect pliés. She prances across the room and does several leaps on the way back. WONDERFUL!

This is just weird.

"What're lookin' at?" asks Anita of me.

(Please remember that Anita suffers from a serious birth defect that may have damaged her brain.)

"I guess it's not here." I say absent-mindedly.

And... yeah. Once more, I drew a blank. So in sixth grade I thought I'd try it ONE MORE TIME.

VERSION #3:

The Baby Of The Family (designated as a Friendship book)

Chapter One: The Baby

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the baby of the family?

I do.

I have four older, accomplished sisters who do everything right. They have it all: good looks, manners, style. Everyone who meets them says they're perfect.

I have to agree.

My name's Patsy Gilford, and I'm nine years old. My "perfect" sisters are Melanie, who is fourteen, Anita, the thirteen-year-old, Doreen, eleven and a half, and Gloria, who just turned ten and a half.

I guess you could call me a tomboy. I LOVE sports, especially baseball. Last year I was the best player on my team at school. No one expected me, the "new girl" to be any good, but I guess I showed them.

We had moved in the middle of the school-year. It was because of dad's business. For some reason, which is unknown to me, they had to relocate here in Friendship, New York.

Oh my God, you guys, FINALLY! We're not in freaking Brockport anymore! (No offense to any Brockportians.)

I have never been quite sure of what dad's business actually does. All I know is that he works in town, away from our home in the country. Dad is always rushing off to business meetings. Sometimes he even holds fancy parties at our house. I try to focus on myself, because it all confuses me.

My dad owned a diner, so I had NO CLUE what business types did. Other than throw fancy parties at their homes in the country. That much was obvious.

Speaking of their home in the country, would you care to see the floor plans?


This time I tried to appease my mother by adding in a staircase opening. And someone sleeping in what appears to be a giant papoose! But I wasn't done yet...


That weird basket-y thing protruding from Gloria's room is a balcony. So she can practice scenes from Romeo and Juliet, no doubt. I'm not sure where Melanie's room is. Maybe she lives in the attic à la Greg Brady.

Then I got bored with the aerial view and whipped up this:


Yes, the 11-year-old has her own art studio. And the Gilford are big fans of the overstuffed couch. Okay, back to the story...

Now I suppose I should tell you about Melanie, the poet. Some of her poems were even printed in a magazine. She wears her long brown hair swept over to the side. I think she has pretty awesome taste in clothes, though my parents beg to differ. They dislike her all-black wardrobe, but I think Melanie just wants to be her own person. Besides, black is her favorite color.

Then comes Anita, the ballet dancer

Blah blah waking up at 5:30 blah blah the Nutcracker blah. I guess I couldn't take another second of the Gilford Girls and their many, many talents. And probably neither can you.

NEXT TIME: More about Friendship's happening country scene in My Life as a Pre-Teen.

Dear Sister 3

LAST TIME: One year after the murders of Melony and Charlotte (Charlette?), Izzy's family had shipped off to Mississippi and Andy's mom—her faith in men blissfully restored—was on the verge of remarriage. No one suspected that Andy and Izzy were the murderesses... no one, that is, except Andy's future stepsister, Rosin Lee, and her loser friend Violet Zwick. Rosin Lee lived up to her "dumb nam" by kinda sorta accusing Andy of the murders. Which Andy responded to by stabbing the crap out of Violet. For some reason, Rosin Lee didn't find her friend's death even slightly fishy and was all "Go for a walk late at night along a cliff? Even though I think you killed some people and my best friend was just murdered in the exact same manner?? Sure, Andy, that sounds lovely and scenic!" But Andy, in a TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE, wore shoes with no traction, and in the middle of her "Say your prayers, because I'm totally about to kill your ass" speech, she slipped off the edge of the cliff and fell to her death. Andy's estranged sister, Alison, then appeared literally out of nowhere two seconds later, accused Rosin Lee of killing Andy, and vowed to avenge her sister's death. Andy's, that is, not Melony's. That conceited snob is old news.

Whew! Now the let's put the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, in guest author Deathycat's stab-happy trilogy:

Dear Sister 3

(Alison is in the cemetary at Andrea's grave.)

Alison: Hi, Andy. It's me again, Alison. I miss you so much. Rosin Lee is such a pain in the butt. But now we're stepsisters. It's been three months since Rosin Lee killed you, it's been so hard, almost unbearable. But I have good news for you. Izzey Hazel is moving back here with her father. I have'nt seen her since your funeral. It was a pretty funeral, a lot of people were there. I still don't get it, how could Rosin Lee just sit there like everyone else. Mother says it's not healthy for me to come here everyday. She says it's good for me to spend alot of time outside, but not in the cemetary. She says I should stop coming here. But i'm just not going to stop coming here all together. I can't just do that. But I'm not going to come here as often. You understand, don't you Andy. Of course you understand. Well I out to go now. It is december you know. And just between you and me Andy, I think this Christmas may be Rosin Lee's last. Well by Andy. I'll see you soon.

(Alison walks off stage left)

Sada says: Total sidenote, but I used to be a nanny, and the kids I watched LOVED playing in cemeteries. They especially liked for me to read them the names on the gravestones. No word yet on whether they've turned Goth. Or completely psycho.

Act 2

(Rosin Lee is in her bedroom fixing her hair)

Rosin Lee: I'm fed up with my hair. I hate it.

Sada says: This is so the least of your worries.

(Alison bursts right in)

Alison: Rosin Lee, Mother and Dinky Boy are going out to dinner. So it's just us. I'll make dinner.

Sada says: I love that Alison openly calls Rosin Lee's dad "Dinky Boy."

(Rosin Lee gets up)

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Can I help?

Alison: No!

Rosin Lee: Why not?

Alison: Because I said so! Now go back to fixing your hair, I'm going to make dinner now.

Rosin Lee: Okay! Just one more thing!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: What are you making?

Alison: Pizza!

Rosin Lee: That's great! Could you get pepporoni and anchovies?

Alison: No, I'm getting sausage!

Rosin Lee: Oh. But Alison, you know I hate sausage!

Alison: Yes I do.

Sada says: Alison's Plan de Evil:

Step 1: Put sausage on pizza.

Step 2: MURDER.

Rosin Lee: Alison.

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Why do you have to be so mean to me!

Alison: What are you talking about? I haven't been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have, Alison. And you know it. But what I want to know is why you have been so mean to me.

Alison: Rosin Lee, I have not been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have. You have been ever since Dad and Melody got married. So Alison, answer my question, why have you been so mean to me?

(Alison stands there with a look of shock on her face)

Alison: I am getting the "hell" out of here Rosin Lee, and as far as I'm concerned, you can get any damn pizza you want! I'm going over to Izzey's. Bye, witch!

Deathycat says: I'd like to point out that I could write "hell" and damn, and later god damit, but I couldn't bring myself to write out the word bitch. It's actually erased with witch written over it.

(Alison walks off stage right)

Act 3

(Alison is at Izzey's door)

Izzey: Alison what are you doing here?

Alison: Rosin Lee is driving me crazey.

Izzey: Ahh, the witch. Andy wrote to me telling me all about her Al!

Alison: Yeah Izzey, She is just driving me insane. I really think she murdered Andy.

Izzey: Andy didn't like Rosin Lee very much, did she.

(Alison just stood there lost in her own thoughts.)

Izzey: Earth to Alison Drexil!

Alison: Oh! Sorry Iz, what were you saying.

Izzey: I was just wondering, just how much did you know about Andy

Alison: Enough!

Izzey: What do you mean "enough".

Alison: Well, I know that she wanted Melony dead, and that she got her wish. I know that she wanted Rosin Lee dead, and that I do too.

Sada says: Okay, so by "enough" she basically means "everything." How is it that everyone seems to be in the know EXCEPT THE POLICE?

(Izzabella just stared at Alison. Then the phone rang)

Izzyey: Hello, who is this. . . . Oh hi Rosin Lee Ali is right here.

(She covers a piece of the phone with one hand)

Izzey: Al it's for you!

(Alison sighs and takes the phone)

Alison: Yeah Rosin Lee, what do you want. . . . . .Fine. I'll be there in ten minutes.

(She hangs up the phone)

Alison: My stupid stepsister says Mother and Dinky Boy are home and they are freaking mad at me!!!

Izzey: Too bad.

Alison: Yeah, well bye Izzey

Izzey: Yeah, well bye Al.

Act 4

(Alison just steps into the house)

Rosin Lee: Dad and Melody are already in bed, and they want you in your room.

Alison: They're probably having sex.

Sada says: Gross! I did not need the mental image of Dinky Boy and Melody in the sack.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!

Rosin Lee: I just don't get you!

Alison: What is there to get?

Rosin Lee: You act as if you hate me. All the time, your so cold to me. Why do you hate me so much Alison? Why?

Alison: You want to know why Rosin Lee

Rosin Lee: Yeah, I do.

Alison: You killed my sister, Rosin Lee, the only sister I ever liked

Rosin Lee: You think I killed Andy. You think I could even think of killing Andy.

Alison: Yes I do!

(Alison goes over to her room)

Act 5

(Rosin Lee is sitting in her room)

Rosin Lee: I have a real problem here. Alison definitely hates me. I've got to do something before things get out of control.

(Alison walks in)

Alison: Bye, Rosin Lee.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!?

Rosin Lee: Where are you going?

Alison: Izzey's! Bye!

Rosine Lee: Bye.

Act 6

(Alison knocks on Izzey's front door)

Izzey: Alison, I wasn't expecting you. Come in.

Alison: Izzey, I've decided to kill Rosin Lee.

Izzey: You are?

Alison: Yes, I think it's time for her to pay for Andy's death.

(Izzey stands there and Alison leaves)

Izzey: You thought wrong.

Sada says: WHAT? Has Izzy changed her murderous ways?

Act 7

(Izzey took the shortcut to Alison's house that Alison doesn't know about)

Izzey: Oh Rosin Lee.

(Rosin Lee comes out of her room)

Rosin Lee: Alison just went over your house Izzey.

Izzey: I'm not here to see Alison, I'm here to see you.

Rosin Lee: Me! Why?

Izzey: Let me tell you a story. It all began a little over a year ago. I was having a lot of fights with Charlette and Andy was having a lot of fights with Melony, and don't forget Melody and Dan have already been divorced for a year at this time. So me and Andy came up with a little plan.

Rosin Lee: You murdered them?

Izzey: Yes we murdered them, and enjoyed it. Neither one of us ever felt guilty about it. But then I hat to move away, and while I was away Andy mardered some girl named Violet Zwick.

Rosin Lee: Are you saying that Andy killed Violet?

Sada says: I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

Izzey: Why? Did you know her?

Rosin Lee: Yeah!

Izzey: Of course.

Rosin Lee: What do you mean Izzey?

Izzy: Well in order to kill you she had to kill Violet. [Sada says: Not really, but let's go with it, people.] But when you two were on the cliff, she was about to kill you, but she fell of. Now Alison thinks you killed her, when you didn't. But I know that Andy's last wish was to have you dead.

Rosin Lee: What are you going to do?

(Izzey pulls out the knife)

Izzey: So say your prayers Rosin Lee.

(She stabs her)

Sada says: Uh, nope, guess she didn't change that much after all.

Rosin Lee: Ahhhhh. . . . .

(Alison walks in)

Izzey: I just killed Rosin Lee, like Andy would want me to.

Alison: I was soposed to do that,

(Alison grabbs the knife out of Rosin Lee's chest and stabs Izzey)

Izzey: Ahhhhhhh.

Sada says: WOW. Alison, I hereby crown you Craziest of the Crazies. And that's saying something.

Act 8

Melodie: I'm home.

Alison: God damit moms home.

(She searches for a rout to escape. then climbs out the window)

Melodie: Ahhhhh

(Alison is running to the ridge)

(Alison is at the ridge)

Alison: I really hope they don't accuse me. But my fingerprints are all over that knife and I have no aliby.

(Then the police come up and surround her)

Police man: Alison Drexil, you are accused of the Murders of Rosin Lee Detwiler and Izzabella Hazel.

Alison: But I didn't do it.

Police man: Child, we know you are the murderer, and you can't run away, we have you surrounded.

Alison: That's what you think

(She looks down at the bottom of the ridge.

Alison: Goodbye cruel world.

(she jumps off)

Sada says: Man, that ridge has seen a lot of action.

Alison: Ahhhhhhhhh. . . . .

(she hit's the bottom)

Alison: I didn't die! I didn't die! I'm alive!

Melony: No you're not Dear Sister

Alison: Melony, what are you doing here.

Charlette: She's not the only one who's here.

Andy: Yeah!

Izzey: true!

Violet: Very true.

Rosin Lee: But. . . .

Andy: You are an evil person dear sister.

Melony: Very evil.

Alison: But. . . .but. . .what did I do?

Izzey: You killed me!

Charlette: You killed my dear sister.

Rosin Lee: Its you're fault I died.

Violet: Alison it's time for you to go.

Alison: Noooo. . . . .

The End

Deathycat says: Thank God.

Sada says: Was that purgatory? Hell? A bad acid trip? I don't know. But here's what I do know: If anyone feels compelled to get together with a friend and act this out, you must film it and send me the link to your YouTube channel IMMEDIATELY.

NEXT TIME: I get super clever by writing a FAKE diary inside a REAL diary. Is your mind blown already?