Dear Sister 3

LAST TIME: One year after the murders of Melony and Charlotte (Charlette?), Izzy's family had shipped off to Mississippi and Andy's mom—her faith in men blissfully restored—was on the verge of remarriage. No one suspected that Andy and Izzy were the murderesses... no one, that is, except Andy's future stepsister, Rosin Lee, and her loser friend Violet Zwick. Rosin Lee lived up to her "dumb nam" by kinda sorta accusing Andy of the murders. Which Andy responded to by stabbing the crap out of Violet. For some reason, Rosin Lee didn't find her friend's death even slightly fishy and was all "Go for a walk late at night along a cliff? Even though I think you killed some people and my best friend was just murdered in the exact same manner?? Sure, Andy, that sounds lovely and scenic!" But Andy, in a TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE, wore shoes with no traction, and in the middle of her "Say your prayers, because I'm totally about to kill your ass" speech, she slipped off the edge of the cliff and fell to her death. Andy's estranged sister, Alison, then appeared literally out of nowhere two seconds later, accused Rosin Lee of killing Andy, and vowed to avenge her sister's death. Andy's, that is, not Melony's. That conceited snob is old news.

Whew! Now the let's put the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, in guest author Deathycat's stab-happy trilogy:

Dear Sister 3

(Alison is in the cemetary at Andrea's grave.)

Alison: Hi, Andy. It's me again, Alison. I miss you so much. Rosin Lee is such a pain in the butt. But now we're stepsisters. It's been three months since Rosin Lee killed you, it's been so hard, almost unbearable. But I have good news for you. Izzey Hazel is moving back here with her father. I have'nt seen her since your funeral. It was a pretty funeral, a lot of people were there. I still don't get it, how could Rosin Lee just sit there like everyone else. Mother says it's not healthy for me to come here everyday. She says it's good for me to spend alot of time outside, but not in the cemetary. She says I should stop coming here. But i'm just not going to stop coming here all together. I can't just do that. But I'm not going to come here as often. You understand, don't you Andy. Of course you understand. Well I out to go now. It is december you know. And just between you and me Andy, I think this Christmas may be Rosin Lee's last. Well by Andy. I'll see you soon.

(Alison walks off stage left)

Sada says: Total sidenote, but I used to be a nanny, and the kids I watched LOVED playing in cemeteries. They especially liked for me to read them the names on the gravestones. No word yet on whether they've turned Goth. Or completely psycho.

Act 2

(Rosin Lee is in her bedroom fixing her hair)

Rosin Lee: I'm fed up with my hair. I hate it.

Sada says: This is so the least of your worries.

(Alison bursts right in)

Alison: Rosin Lee, Mother and Dinky Boy are going out to dinner. So it's just us. I'll make dinner.

Sada says: I love that Alison openly calls Rosin Lee's dad "Dinky Boy."

(Rosin Lee gets up)

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Can I help?

Alison: No!

Rosin Lee: Why not?

Alison: Because I said so! Now go back to fixing your hair, I'm going to make dinner now.

Rosin Lee: Okay! Just one more thing!

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: What are you making?

Alison: Pizza!

Rosin Lee: That's great! Could you get pepporoni and anchovies?

Alison: No, I'm getting sausage!

Rosin Lee: Oh. But Alison, you know I hate sausage!

Alison: Yes I do.

Sada says: Alison's Plan de Evil:

Step 1: Put sausage on pizza.

Step 2: MURDER.

Rosin Lee: Alison.

Alison: What?

Rosin Lee: Why do you have to be so mean to me!

Alison: What are you talking about? I haven't been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have, Alison. And you know it. But what I want to know is why you have been so mean to me.

Alison: Rosin Lee, I have not been mean to you.

Rosin Lee: Yes you have. You have been ever since Dad and Melody got married. So Alison, answer my question, why have you been so mean to me?

(Alison stands there with a look of shock on her face)

Alison: I am getting the "hell" out of here Rosin Lee, and as far as I'm concerned, you can get any damn pizza you want! I'm going over to Izzey's. Bye, witch!

Deathycat says: I'd like to point out that I could write "hell" and damn, and later god damit, but I couldn't bring myself to write out the word bitch. It's actually erased with witch written over it.

(Alison walks off stage right)

Act 3

(Alison is at Izzey's door)

Izzey: Alison what are you doing here?

Alison: Rosin Lee is driving me crazey.

Izzey: Ahh, the witch. Andy wrote to me telling me all about her Al!

Alison: Yeah Izzey, She is just driving me insane. I really think she murdered Andy.

Izzey: Andy didn't like Rosin Lee very much, did she.

(Alison just stood there lost in her own thoughts.)

Izzey: Earth to Alison Drexil!

Alison: Oh! Sorry Iz, what were you saying.

Izzey: I was just wondering, just how much did you know about Andy

Alison: Enough!

Izzey: What do you mean "enough".

Alison: Well, I know that she wanted Melony dead, and that she got her wish. I know that she wanted Rosin Lee dead, and that I do too.

Sada says: Okay, so by "enough" she basically means "everything." How is it that everyone seems to be in the know EXCEPT THE POLICE?

(Izzabella just stared at Alison. Then the phone rang)

Izzyey: Hello, who is this. . . . Oh hi Rosin Lee Ali is right here.

(She covers a piece of the phone with one hand)

Izzey: Al it's for you!

(Alison sighs and takes the phone)

Alison: Yeah Rosin Lee, what do you want. . . . . .Fine. I'll be there in ten minutes.

(She hangs up the phone)

Alison: My stupid stepsister says Mother and Dinky Boy are home and they are freaking mad at me!!!

Izzey: Too bad.

Alison: Yeah, well bye Izzey

Izzey: Yeah, well bye Al.

Act 4

(Alison just steps into the house)

Rosin Lee: Dad and Melody are already in bed, and they want you in your room.

Alison: They're probably having sex.

Sada says: Gross! I did not need the mental image of Dinky Boy and Melody in the sack.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!

Rosin Lee: I just don't get you!

Alison: What is there to get?

Rosin Lee: You act as if you hate me. All the time, your so cold to me. Why do you hate me so much Alison? Why?

Alison: You want to know why Rosin Lee

Rosin Lee: Yeah, I do.

Alison: You killed my sister, Rosin Lee, the only sister I ever liked

Rosin Lee: You think I killed Andy. You think I could even think of killing Andy.

Alison: Yes I do!

(Alison goes over to her room)

Act 5

(Rosin Lee is sitting in her room)

Rosin Lee: I have a real problem here. Alison definitely hates me. I've got to do something before things get out of control.

(Alison walks in)

Alison: Bye, Rosin Lee.

Rosin Lee: Alison!

Alison: What!?

Rosin Lee: Where are you going?

Alison: Izzey's! Bye!

Rosine Lee: Bye.

Act 6

(Alison knocks on Izzey's front door)

Izzey: Alison, I wasn't expecting you. Come in.

Alison: Izzey, I've decided to kill Rosin Lee.

Izzey: You are?

Alison: Yes, I think it's time for her to pay for Andy's death.

(Izzey stands there and Alison leaves)

Izzey: You thought wrong.

Sada says: WHAT? Has Izzy changed her murderous ways?

Act 7

(Izzey took the shortcut to Alison's house that Alison doesn't know about)

Izzey: Oh Rosin Lee.

(Rosin Lee comes out of her room)

Rosin Lee: Alison just went over your house Izzey.

Izzey: I'm not here to see Alison, I'm here to see you.

Rosin Lee: Me! Why?

Izzey: Let me tell you a story. It all began a little over a year ago. I was having a lot of fights with Charlette and Andy was having a lot of fights with Melony, and don't forget Melody and Dan have already been divorced for a year at this time. So me and Andy came up with a little plan.

Rosin Lee: You murdered them?

Izzey: Yes we murdered them, and enjoyed it. Neither one of us ever felt guilty about it. But then I hat to move away, and while I was away Andy mardered some girl named Violet Zwick.

Rosin Lee: Are you saying that Andy killed Violet?

Sada says: I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

Izzey: Why? Did you know her?

Rosin Lee: Yeah!

Izzey: Of course.

Rosin Lee: What do you mean Izzey?

Izzy: Well in order to kill you she had to kill Violet. [Sada says: Not really, but let's go with it, people.] But when you two were on the cliff, she was about to kill you, but she fell of. Now Alison thinks you killed her, when you didn't. But I know that Andy's last wish was to have you dead.

Rosin Lee: What are you going to do?

(Izzey pulls out the knife)

Izzey: So say your prayers Rosin Lee.

(She stabs her)

Sada says: Uh, nope, guess she didn't change that much after all.

Rosin Lee: Ahhhhh. . . . .

(Alison walks in)

Izzey: I just killed Rosin Lee, like Andy would want me to.

Alison: I was soposed to do that,

(Alison grabbs the knife out of Rosin Lee's chest and stabs Izzey)

Izzey: Ahhhhhhh.

Sada says: WOW. Alison, I hereby crown you Craziest of the Crazies. And that's saying something.

Act 8

Melodie: I'm home.

Alison: God damit moms home.

(She searches for a rout to escape. then climbs out the window)

Melodie: Ahhhhh

(Alison is running to the ridge)

(Alison is at the ridge)

Alison: I really hope they don't accuse me. But my fingerprints are all over that knife and I have no aliby.

(Then the police come up and surround her)

Police man: Alison Drexil, you are accused of the Murders of Rosin Lee Detwiler and Izzabella Hazel.

Alison: But I didn't do it.

Police man: Child, we know you are the murderer, and you can't run away, we have you surrounded.

Alison: That's what you think

(She looks down at the bottom of the ridge.

Alison: Goodbye cruel world.

(she jumps off)

Sada says: Man, that ridge has seen a lot of action.

Alison: Ahhhhhhhhh. . . . .

(she hit's the bottom)

Alison: I didn't die! I didn't die! I'm alive!

Melony: No you're not Dear Sister

Alison: Melony, what are you doing here.

Charlette: She's not the only one who's here.

Andy: Yeah!

Izzey: true!

Violet: Very true.

Rosin Lee: But. . . .

Andy: You are an evil person dear sister.

Melony: Very evil.

Alison: But. . . .but. . .what did I do?

Izzey: You killed me!

Charlette: You killed my dear sister.

Rosin Lee: Its you're fault I died.

Violet: Alison it's time for you to go.

Alison: Noooo. . . . .

The End

Deathycat says: Thank God.

Sada says: Was that purgatory? Hell? A bad acid trip? I don't know. But here's what I do know: If anyone feels compelled to get together with a friend and act this out, you must film it and send me the link to your YouTube channel IMMEDIATELY.

NEXT TIME: I get super clever by writing a FAKE diary inside a REAL diary. Is your mind blown already?

Dear Sister 2

Some of you (well, okay, maybe just one of you) e-mailed me after the last post to express a bit of concern over the state of guest author Deathycat's mental health. Just because she wrote about offing some siblings in fifth grade! Yeesh! Did you not read how conceited those girls were?! Anyway, as such, I would like to take a moment to officially defend young Deathycat's right to dramatize all the child murders she likes.

My own prepubescent fascination with death was, admittedly, not as intense as Deathycat's, but believe you me, it existed. For example, my siblings and I used to play a rather morbid game called MURDERER. I can't remember who came up with the idea, though I have a sinking suspicion that it was me. My brother was something of an unwitting participant, as he was a preschooler at the time. My sister and I—being high and mighty elementary schoolers—could usually lull my brother into submitting to our various schemes, which almost always involved dressing him up like a girl. In the case of MURDERER, however, we fake-killed him.

Here's how it worked: One player of the game would be the murderer, and the rest of the players would lie in bed pretending to be asleep. Then the murderer would break in (read: open the door) and promptly slaughter everyone, generally via stabbing. And that was about it. There were no winners in MURDERER. Because in murder, no one wins. Did you hear that, Andy?

LAST TIME: In part one of guest author Deathycat's sibling rivalry bloodfest, crazies Andy and Izzy killed their respective "dear" sisters and then expressed a total lack of remorse. Did I mention they're both batshit insane?

Deathycat says: Dear Sister 2 was written in October 1995 while watching a Road Rules marathon [Sada says: Because few things can breed murderous rage like an MTV reality show!], and Dear Sister 3 in either November or December of that same year. Unfortunately, they never had the pleasure of being acted out. And Amanda didn't help write these at all.

Dear Sister 2

Act 1

Rosin Lee: I still dont believe it. It has been one entire year since Charlette and Melony were murdered.

Violet: I know I know. Poor, poor Charlette Hazel. It has been exactly one year today since Mr and Mrs Hazel moved away with Izzabella.

Rosin Lee: Poor Izzey. It must be horrible to loose a sister like that.

Violet: The same thing with Andrea Drexil. Loosing Having a sister die. Just like Izzabella! To have both of those monster loosing having their sisters die two days apart. It just makes you wonder.

Sada says: Ahem. They totally died two weeks apart.

Rosin Lee: What are you talking about Violet?

Violet: I'm just saying that they didn't like their sisters very much. That--

Rosin Lee: Are you saying that Andy and Izzey murdered Melony and Charlette!

Violet: No. I was just saying-

Rosin Lee: Are you saying my soon to be stepsister murdered her own sister?

Violet: No, I--

Rosin Lee: Bye Violet!

Violet: Rosin Lee!

(Rosin Lee walks of stage left as Violet turns and goes off stage right)

Sada says: To recap: Violet implies that Izzy and Andy murdered their sisters. Rosin Lee asks whether Violet is implying that Izzy and Andy murdered their sisters. Violet's all, "No, no, of course not!"

Act 2

Andrea: Dear Izzey, My mother's getting remarried. After the divore two years ago, I thought my mother had lost all faith in men. Me and Alison write to each other sometimes. Why couldn't daddy take Melony instead of Alison? She was the sister I actually liked. I'm also going to get a new stepsister. Her name is Rosin Lee Detwiler. Dumb nam Huh? She's Okay I guess, but she has a looser friend named Violet Zwick. An even dumber name. Don't worry Izzy I'll take care of her. Well how's life for you in Mississippi. I'll get back to you. You're Pal Andy Drexil. Good letter Andy, good letter.

Sada says: I don't know what's with the "Good letter, Andy, good letter" part, but I like to think the voices in Andy's head are spilling over onto paper.

(Rosin Lee knocks on the door)

Rosin Lee: Andy, may I come in?

Andrea: Sure Rosin Lee.

Rosin Lee: Andy, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Andrea: Yeah

Rosin Lee: See, umm, there are these rumers around. About last year.

Andy: Yeah! SO!

Sada says: Not defensive at all, nope.

Rosin Lee: Some people believe that you and Izzey murdered Melony and Charlette.

Andrea: And you, believe that.

Rosin Lee: Well, actually-

Andrea: Get out of my room!

Rosin Lee: I'm sorry, Andy.

Andrea: Get out Rosin Lee, get out, now.

Sada says: Telling a mentally unstable murderer that you suspect her of being a mentally unstable murderer? Fantastic plan, Rosin Lee!

Act 3

Violet: Lanora, can I talk to you.

Lanora: Sure! kiddo, what's up? Is something wrong Violet?

Violet: Well, actually, yes! You see, my friend Rosin Lee. Well her father is getting married to Andrea Drexil's mom, Melody.

Lanora: Wasn't she the girl that was murdered last year.

Violet: No. That was Melony.

Lanora: Well go on, go on. I didn't meant to interupt.

Violet: Well I just told Rosin Lee about some rumers that Izzey and Andy murdered Charlette and Melony last year.

Lanora: Are you trying to turn Rosin Lee against Andy?

Violet: NO! Of course not!

Lanora: Then Why tell her that?

Violet: I don't know. It's just that Andy is gong to be Rosin Lee's stepsister. And I thought she should know. And now Rosin Lee's mad at me. I just don't know what to do sis.

Lenora: Neither do I.

Violet: I'm going for a walk.

Lenora: But it's dark outside and after ten.

Sada says: If you are a character in Dear Sister, you should never, EVER go for a walk. Especially after ten!!!

Violet: By sis.

(Violet walks off stage left)

Act 4

Andy: Hmm. This could be useful in my plan. In order to get rid of Rosin Lee, I have to get rid of Violet.

(An Evil grin spreads across her face as she starts to follow Violet and pulls out her knife)

(She feels the blade)

Andrea: Oww. It's sharp enough. Say your prayers, Violet Zwick

(Andrea walks off stage right)

Violet: Aggghh

Act 5 (A few days later)

(Rosin Lee is crying and Andrea looks sympathetic)

Rosin Lee: I cant believe Violet is dead. She was my best friend, and now she's dead!

Andrea: I know. And in the same way Melony and Charlette died. It just brings back so many horrifying memories.

Rosin Lee: Yeah

Andrea: You want to take a walk with me to the ridge.

Sada says: Not a walk! NOOOOOOOOO!

Rosin Lee: Yeah, sure. I have nothing better to do.

Andrea: Good! Let's go!

Act 6

Rosin Lee: It's beautiful, isn't' it?

Andrea: No it's deadly.

Rosin Lee: Andy, what are you talking about?

Andrea: I'm just saying. Violet died, and now it's your turn.

(Andrea slips and falls off the cliff)

Rosin Lee: Andy!

Andrea: Aggghhh!

Sada says: Free tip for any would-be murderers: It may be wise to bring potential stabbing victims to a location slightly less dangerous than, say, a cliff's edge.

(Alison makes her grand apearance)

Alison: What have you done to my sister!

Rosin Lee: What? Who are you?

Sada says: Seriously! Where did she come from???

Alison: I'm Alison Drexil! Now what have you done to my sister?

Rosin Lee: Andy fell off the ridge.

Alison: No she didn't! You killed her!

Rosin Lee: No-- Look, it's the police!

Alison: Huh?

Sada says: How in God's name did the cops get there so fast? Did they, like, teleport to the ridge? That's amazing!

Rosin Lee: Andria Drexil fell off the ridge! I'm Rosin Lee Detwiler, and this is Alison Drexil!

Alison: What's going on here?

(Rosin Lee runs off to join the police at the bottom of the ridge. Alison looks over the edge.)

Alison: I'll get her for you, Andy Drexil. Mark my word.

The End?

Deathycat says: Yes, I put a question mark.

Sada says: I think you all know this, but the answer is HELLS NO, that's not the end.

NEXT TIME: Alison exacts her revenge, and it involves a pizza with Rosin Lee's least favorite toppings. Mua ah ah ah ah!