Ivy Twists

I'M BACK! I didn't mean to be gone so long, but extracurricular activities topped with an arm pain flare-up kind of effed me up for a while. You don't even want to KNOW how many unread items I have in Google Reader. But enough of the excuses! Let's hit the proverbial road and learn more about the 5th grade residents of Friendship, NY.

If Friendship were a TV show, this one might qualify as a Very Special Episode. Unintentionally. Now I'm not really up on the latest version of the DSM, but it doesn't take a psychiatrist to figure out that young Ivy Swanson is maaaaaaybe teetering on the edge of dissociative identity disorder (or, in 1989 parlance, MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER) here. Seriously, guys. There are imaginary friends and then there's.... THIS.

IVY TWISTS

dear jo,

i wish you didn't have to move. you're my best friend i mean life isn't fair. i wish your parents would go to you know where. [Whoa! I think she might mean H-E-double hockey sticks!] no offense, jo. i mean well it's not their fault i'm just mad about the whole thing really. this isn't the right thing to do. promise you'll never get another best friend, ok. well see you soon. i will. i will see you. bye for now.

Your Very Best Friend,
I!V!Y R!E!N!E!E S!W!A!N!S!O!N

God, I was really a huge fan of unnecessary punctuation, wasn't I?

I put the letter to Jo in my basket. I keep all my special stuff in my basket.

I also had a "special place" where I kept top-secret items—except instead of a basket it was a purple tin featuring a jazzy saxophone [please pause for a moment and try to imagine that in all of its 1989 glory], and it was EXTRA special because it had once been filled with chocolate-covered pretzels instead of secrets! Yum!

I don't really have a best friend named Jo but I wish I did.

Here's where The Crazy starts.

I don't even have a best friend. But I keep on dreaming. Jo is an old dream. When I was little she was my imaginary friend.

Now, I'd like to state for the record that there's nothing inherently wrong with imaginary friends. In fact, they're generally very healthy. I even had one myself when I was in preschool. His name was Jonka, and he lived in my basement with his wife and their 500 children. (300 were girls, and 200 were boys. Because girls are better.) Oh, and also, he looked like Ziggy.

Jonka! My old (imaginary) friend!

The problem is that Ivy takes it to a Whole New Level—a level that involves keeping a diary about your fake friend's many adventures. Actually, I wonder what Jonka's diary would have been like...

Hung out next to the washing machine with my 500 kids. AGAIN. Really need to talk to the wife about birth control. The 4-year-old came down and talked to me for two minutes. No one else seems to realize I'm here. CHRIST, what I wouldn't do to get out of this fucking basement.

Jo helped me through kindergarten, but in first grade Jo stopped coming to school. I started writing stories about my best friend, Jo Ann. Jo was so real to me. She still is. I know just what she looks like. She has red hair that's usually up in a ponytail and she has brown eyes that look like melted chocolate.

Uh, why am I comparing organs to foodstuffs? I point the finger of blame squarely at Ann M. Martin. Damn Claudia Kishi and her damn almond-shaped eyes...

Jo's birthday is on July 5th 1977 and right now she's almost 10 and she's in fourth grade just like me except she started early. The summer after first grade, Jo began to keep a diary. The diary was all about Jo's life and her friends. She went to my school and she was very popular.

So Ivy has an imaginary friend who lives a parallel—but much cooler—life? Jo is rapidly becoming this story's younger, less bloody Tyler Durden.

Jo has a mother and a father and a big sister named Lindsay. I stopped calling Jo a dream. To me she wasn't a dream. She was real in my eyes.

What do you think those eyes look like? A pair of green M&Ms maybe?

I began calling everything about Jo "twists". It was something new and Jo was so lively and so much fun that the word seemed to fit her.

Lively AND fun!

But now I am starting to think Jo is a little babyish. So I made her move away. Jo moved away to Florida yesterday. Her dad is a photographer and he moved the whole family down there because that's where he's working down in Florida on another assignment. I wish I could make Jo move back, but twists are something I can't change no matter what.

The first rule of twists is that you can't talk about twists. The second rule of twists is that you can't talk about twists. The third rule is that twists can't be changed. The fourth rule is that if things are getting a touch babyish, you can ship your alter ego off to Florida on a photo assignment. A PERMANENT assignment.

Learn at your own risk! Apparently there's no going back.

So this is what the letter at the beginning referred to, when Ivy wished to damn Jo's (made-up!) parents to the depths of hell and then made her promise she'd never get another best friend. Even though she's, y'know, NOT REAL. Because that's not babyish at all.

And you wouldn't believe what Jo wrote in her diary today!

You know what else isn't babyish? Continuing to write in your pretend friend's diary!

Here's what it said:

Dear Diary.

I can't believe we moved. Mom and Dad never tell me and Lindsay anything! And already I miss Ivy. New York is so far away! But today I met this girl named Alora and she is very nice. Alora is such a pretty name. I think Alora and I are going to be good friends. VERY good friends. [AHEM.] And my kitten, Mouse loves the new house. So do I! My new room is the best. The kids at school are real nice and already I'm a hit! Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought!

L♥ve,
The 1 & The Only,
Jo Ann Maureen Memphis

And then there's a drawing of her prettily named (but equally fictitious) ladyfriend:

Nice barrettes. Too bad they're not real.

This one definitely ended prematurely. I really wanted to see Ivy get jealous about the relationship between two entirely fabricated persons. You KNOW she was about to lose her shit. I imagine it would have been like an elementary school version of that made-for-TV movie where Nancy McKeon all of a sudden becomes schizophrenic. Because that? Was awesome.

NEXT TIME: While we're on a roll with the Very Special, how about a kidnapping book? Or, more accurately, a book that's SUPPOSED to be about kidnapping, but never really gets there?

My Life as a Pre-Teen

This week's Book That Never Was™ takes us back to the rural outskirts of Friendship, NY, where Samantha Rhodes and her two younger siblings have moved in with their Gram and Gramps... for reasons that are never quite explained. The story unfolds (or, more accurately, doesn't unfold) through a series of letters exchanged between Sam and Anita, her BFF back home—a series of letters that quickly degenerates into boy craziness and a roll call of Santa's reindeer.

No, really.

Dear Sam,

I know we were fighting when you left and I wanted to say sorry. Carolyn asked why weren't you here at camp. I told her about your parents. She says shes sorry, but you're tough and you can make it. I know you can too.

Love, Anita

So, it sounds like her parents are dead, right? And that she'll just have to be a tough little orphan and muddle through this hard-knock life, right?

WRONG.

Dear Anita,

Apology accepted and I'm sorry too. Out here we wake up at 5 to eat breakfast. Gram is cooking and Gramps is milking the cows. Missy and I dress in 5 minute flat. Then we dress Jason. Missy has been having bad dreams. I get up and comfort her. We may be back next year.

love - sam sam sam

W*R*I*T*E B*A*C*K S*O*O*N

Ahh, old habits die hard.

Okay, so Gram and Gramps own a farm. What did I know about farms?

Farm Fun Fact #1: People on farms wake up early! Crazy early!

Farm Fun Fact #2: People on farms milk cows. Does this mean Gram and Gramps own a dairy farm? Hardly! That's because...

Farm Fun Fact #3: ALL farms have cows. They, like, come with the barn or something.

Also, we learn that Missy's been having bad dreams, which seems to support the Dead Parents theory. But then the "plot" "thickens": The kids may be returning to their hometown next year? How? Why? What the frig?

But wait—I bet you guys don't even CARE about dairy farms and mysteriously absent parents! I know what you want to hear about: BOYS!!!

Dear Sam,

I think Adam Lone likes me. He calls himself Lone Star. (boys) APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

Love: Ani

Anita? Is that you?

I also like how Adam has nicknamed himself after the state of Texas. Oh, boys!

Dear Ani(ta),

Old Lone Star? Do you like him? Jason rides the donkey and ponies. Missy has a boyfriend named Eddie. He is 8, like her. We went to a county square-dance. This boy called Jeremy asked me to dance. I didn't want to because it was like pimple city. [Pimple City = my new band name.] Gram and Gramps told him yes without asking me. He sprayed me through his retainer. To top it off this cute guy named Brian kept looking at me. He had been about to ask me when old puss-face had.

MY REPUTATION IS RUINED.

love - sam sam sam

According to the Friendship Info folder, Jason is 3. Who lets a 3-year-old ride a donkey?? This leads us to several more Farm Fun Facts.

Farm Fun Fact #4: All farms have donkeys and ponies, strictly for your riding pleasure.

Farm Fun Fact #5: What do you do for fun on a farm (aside from riding the abundant donkeys and ponies)? Why, go to a square dance, of course!

Notice how Sam's coerced interaction with Jeremy and his newly straightened teeth, metropolis of acne, and kitten face (eh?) is FAR more important the nightmare-inducing events that befell her parents. OBVS.

Dear Sam,

Yes, I like Old Adam Lone Star. What are the ponies names? What does Brian look like. Adam got his braces off and his hair buzzed. He's cute. How are your parents. I have been hanging out with Jo and Sari. They are nice. Jo has a cute new haircut. Do you have any new friends? WE ALL MISS YOU, SAMMI.

Love, Ani.

P,S, everyone calls me Ani now.

It is you! Or... is it Lone Star with his newly buzzed hair?? Crap!

Did you notice it? Did you notice it? She asked (or, rather, stated—there's no question mark involved), "How are your parents." Based on that, I think we have to assume they are NOT DEAD, unless there is something incredibly, frighteningly wrong with Ani.

Something wronger than this weave, even.

Also, what is this funny business about kids get their braces OFF in fifth grade? Keep dreaming, sister.

Oh, but let's see how Sam answers this pointed question about her parents' welfare.

Dear Ani,

Lone Star? Grow up and drink some coffee to wash down that Kool-Aid. Brian is so gorgeous I can't describe him. [...But I will.] Okay, he's got blond/brown hair and blue/greenNOturquoise eyes. He's about 4'11". He's nice and sweet and cute and funny and gorgeous and GREAT. The ponies are called Cinnamon and Ginger. The donkey's name is Tucker. We call him Tuck. The horses names are Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Rudolph and Snow Ball Prancer.

Oh, sorry, she was too busy naming farm animals and describing the indescribable Brian to explain anything relevant to the plot of this story. Though, to be fair, Brian DOES sound pretty indescribable, what with the hair that's blond... or is it brown? And the eyes that are blue? Or green? Or—dare I say!—turquoise? But Sam does know that he's 4'11", which seems... odd.

Anyway, that's it! If you thought we were going to get to the bottom of this parental mystery, HA! You better grow up and drink some coffee to wash down that Kool-Aid!

NEXT TIME: My characters like writing letters so much that they start writing to people who don't even exist.

Also, sorry if I've been slacking a little on the posting. (I know, MY REPUTATION IS RUINED.) I've been busy lately in my non-blog life, but I promise I'm not going anywhere. I'll try to keep posting at least once a week.

Gilford Girls

The contents of the Gilford Girls folder (which is actually labeled Don't Be Yourself, though it contains not a word of that story) proves once and for all that I spent far more time drawing my characters—and coming up with their favorite colors!—than I ever did coming up with a plot. Any sort of plot. At all.

The story that's actually in the folder, Living in a Princess's Land....When You're Not a Princess, is a Book That Never Was™ several times over. I rewrote this sucker THREE TIMES, and yet I never got past page two. That's a profound dedication to lack of plot. For your reading enjoyment, I'm going to include all three versions, for each contains a variation in hilariousness that cannot be excluded.

But before we get to all that, let's go back to where it all began, with some pencil sketches of the Gilford Girls themselves—plus a listing of their vital statistics. [Note: If you need a closer look at, say, Anita's boombox, clicking on the drawings will enlarge them.]

The eldest of the sisters is Melanie, whose windswept hair and vacant, glassy-eyed stare seem indicative of a drug problem. She IS a tortured poet, after all.


She SO locks herself in her room and blares the Smiths because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. Then she scribbles some poems about it—with her MELANIE pencil. She's so deep!

Name: Melanie Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Black
Age: 14
When grows up: Poet

Then we are treated to a bit of her verse:

Sweet Spring Morning
Dew drop mist
hung sweet on trees.
Robins sing
the Early Song.
Breathe Deep!
Bring in the
fragrance of roses.
Wake Up!
It's a sweet spring morning.

Um, 'scuse? Shouldn't that be about 7,000 times more angsty? Apparently I did not yet realize that you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders at 14.

Next we have Anita, who has a passion for dancing in spite of her raging case of hydrocephalus (and at least one bizarrely malformed ear).


Good God, that HEAD! This may have been my first and last attempt at drawing in profile.

Name: Anita Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Rose
Age: 12½
When grows up: Dancer

Then we have Doreen, the Claudia Kishi sister. She looks utterly shocked, and I can't tell if it's because her hair has inexplicably turned to beads or because she's unfortunate enough to have acquired Michael Jackson's current nose.


Name: Doreen Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Rainbow (all)
Age: 11
When Grow Up: Artist

Then, to demonstrate Doreen's artistic prowess, I included this:


Because nothing says "precociously talented artist" like a blind mouselady with a side ponytail and pointy elf ears!

After Doreen is Gloria, the actress. I don't know how to break it to her, but there is no WAY she's going to make it in Hollywood with that weak chin and set of lopsided eyes.



Name: Gloria Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Blue
Age: 10
When Grow Up: Actress

And because I KNOW you couldn't get enough of Doreen's artistry:
Gloria was going to be the narrator of Don't Be Yourself. (Don't be yourself! Because she's an actress! Get it???) To that end, the folder contains... uh... inscriptions from Gloria's yearbook? Um, WTF? We didn't even have yearbooks when I was in fifth grade! Please tell me someone else did this!

The yearbook is basically a thinly veiled excuse for various Friendship characters to plug their own books. And for me to practice my mad handwriting skillz. Check it out:



Regina Grubble's book: One of the Best Friends You Ever Had.


Anne Montgomery's book: If the Shoe Fits, Wear It. (p.s. What self-respecting 10-year-old willingly refers to herself as Fanny?)


Sara Doone's books: Me, Super-Girl and its heavily foreshadowed sequel, Super-Girl Flies Again.



Melanie Tibbets' book? You'll never believe it!: Life After Death. Which makes for a totally creepy yearbook inscription, no?


What, I couldn't think of a way to work in Take-Out Order? How about "You were great! I'll see you this summer when you pick up your take-out orders! Love, Lisa"? BOOM.


Justine didn't have her own book, but her older sister did, and the "tough times" she's referring to? That would be finding out that the woman she thought was her mom? Yeah, not really her mom at all, but someone who SECRETLY KIDNAPPED HER AS A CHILD. Tough times indeed.

No book title here, but I dare say there should be.



Her handwriting looks so popular!


Last up is tomboy Patsy, who looks frighteningly like a young Paula Poundstone. She seems to be wearing a batting helmet for fun, and is definitely giving some unfortunate soul the crazy eye.

Name: Patsy Gilford
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Color: Purple
Age: 9
When grow up: First ever woman baseball player!

This was circa 1989, so A League of Their Own hadn't come out yet.

Young Patsy is the narrator of our oft-rewrit tale. Now that you have some (disturbing?) mental images to accompany the prose, let's hop to it!

VERSION #1:

LIVING IN A PRINCESS'S LAND....WHEN YOU'RE NOT A PRINCESS

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the baby of the family? To have 4 accomplished big sisters? Well I do. My name is Patsy Gilford. I guess I'm sort of a tomboy. The reason is this: The thing I love most in the world is baseball. Every other one of my sisters has some special talent. But not me. Not Patsy. NO WAY.

I like how, in my mind, athleticism was not a talent. Have I mentioned that I used to get picked last in gym class?

MELANIE GILFORD. The oldest in the family. Sophisticated Melanie is 14. Her poems never rhyme; And I quote, "Rhyming is babyish." If I need to write a poem for English, I come to her for help and she says, "Patsy, dear, that would be like cheating, having an experienced poet like myself, helping you." So my poems always rhyme. Melanie's favorite color is black because, and I quote, "Black, to myself and most other poets, seems to have more life than hot pink."

Settle down there, Johnny Cash. By the way, my idea of a "poet" was based entirely on Myron Krupnik's students in Anastasia Krupnik. Key point: Poets wear black. Lots of black.

ANITA GILFORD. She is the most serious dancer you will ever meet. [Booyah, Baryshnikov!] Ballet/Dance class after school Monday-Friday. Every morning she wakes up at 5:30 and exercises. I quote, "A dancer has to stay in shape. Exercise and plenty of sleep. Relax your muscles." She goes to bed at 7:30. She's always asleep by 8:00. Well, her ballet class is doing "The Nutcracker", Anita's favorite movie, for their show. It's between Anita and her best friend, Amie South, of who will get the lead female role of Clara.

What the hell Nutcracker movie am I talking about? Does anyone recall a popular Nutcracker film?

DOREEN GILFORD. This 11-year-old was a born artist. And she still is. [Good thing I clarified that!] Doreen does not have a favorite color because, and I quote, "All colors are equal. It's not really the color itself that's important; it's the color's meaning that counts." Doreen, for some queer reason, likes sleeping in until noon on the weekend. [Probably so she can avoid Anita and her gartantuan head.] Living with her bedroom like an art museum, this stylish girl loves sunlight and nature.

Why does this all of a sudden feel like an ad for mail-order brides?

GLORIA GILFORD. We didn't realize what Gloria's talent was until last year when she snatched the leading female role of Cinderella out of the 5th graders hands and elegantly strolled past their faces with a peculiar grin on her face. [Creepy!] At that time she was only a 4th grader. Everyone was amazed with Gloria's new-found talent. Before that, Gloria and I had searched for talents so we could be like our big sisters. After Gloria found hers it left me on my own.

I gave up. I admit it. I'm a quitter. But the others didn't find theirs when they were looking. So why should I bother to look anyway? Give me one good reason why and I will. Can you think of any thing. NO. Well, I didn't think you could anyway. Now don't give me any flimsy

You can see I was rapidly running out of steam. The plot of the book was supposed to be Patsy searching for—and ultimately discovering—her own talent. Whatever that was. I decided to give it another shot, this time without quite so much quoting.

VERSION #2:

Living in a Princess's Land

You have no idea what it's like to be the baby of the family. To have 4 older, accomplished sisters who do everything right. They're perfect. They have good manners, style. They're perfect young women!

My name's Patsy Gilford. I'm 9. I just started 4th grade yesterday. My sisters are Melanie (14), Anita (12½), Doreen (11), and Gloria (10).

I'm sort of a tomboy, I guess. I L-O-V-E love baseball. Last year I was the best. That was at my old school. We moved because we needed more space. I mean, I was sharing a room with Gloria and Doreen.

The horror!

Let me tell you about Melanie. She's a poet. Some of her poems were even printed in magazines!

Yeah, magazines published by the International Library of Poetry, maybe.

Her long brown hair falls down to her armpits. [Always classy to mention armpits in a character description.] Every morning she wakes up early and sweeps it quickly over to the side - I think. She has pretty awesome taste in clothes, though she's a bit on the "cukoo" side. Talk about sensitive!

But is she...

Please, please, please, let me get what I want

Then there's Anita, the very becoming dancer. She transformed our basement into a dance studio in 1 week. Anita is quite serious about her dancing. She goes to classes everyday after school. All her radios and tapes! I mean, her favorite movie is the "Nutcracker"! Anita dresses baggy and exercises every morning, waking up at 5:30!

How many radios does one ballerina need? Also, note how I nixed the "going to bed at 7:30" lunacy. But seriously, what's up with the Nutcracker movie! Is there any way I could be referring to Six Weeks, the Dudley Moore drama in which there's a 12-year-old leukemia-riddled aspiring ballerina? The poor girl finally realizes her dream of dancing in the Nutcracker—only to pass out very dramatically on the subway afterward, and her mom (aka Mary Tyler Moore) totally freaks out because her daughter is DYING ON A CROWDED SUBWAY TRAIN, OH MY GOD. Yeah, I loved that movie.

We knew Doreen's talent was drawing - especially when she won the "Easter Bunny" drawing contest. She was 4 years old!

Ah yes, the famous Easter Bunny drawing contest. Later, she probably got into art school by drawing a turtle and pirate.

"Sweet pirate! You're in!"

She's got a studio for all her work. Doreen's got radical taste - even better than Melanie's! She's always doing something different with her hair. Doreen's so cool!

Gloria's got natural acting talent. We didn't find out until last year when her class did a play. Gloria was cast as the lead female. We were all wowed! She dresses pretty casual, like me. I'm the closest to Gloria than my other 3 sisters. We understand each other - most of the time!

* * *

"What are you doing?!?!?" shrieks Anita, as I walk into the basement.

"Looking for my old mitt." I say casually.

"It's not here." she says stubbornly. I keep looking. "I'm positively certain." I keep on. "Well, fine, look if you want. But don't make any noise."

There are those impeccable manners Patsy mentioned!

Anita gets back to her routine. She hums with the music as she performs perfect pliés. She prances across the room and does several leaps on the way back. WONDERFUL!

This is just weird.

"What're lookin' at?" asks Anita of me.

(Please remember that Anita suffers from a serious birth defect that may have damaged her brain.)

"I guess it's not here." I say absent-mindedly.

And... yeah. Once more, I drew a blank. So in sixth grade I thought I'd try it ONE MORE TIME.

VERSION #3:

The Baby Of The Family (designated as a Friendship book)

Chapter One: The Baby

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the baby of the family?

I do.

I have four older, accomplished sisters who do everything right. They have it all: good looks, manners, style. Everyone who meets them says they're perfect.

I have to agree.

My name's Patsy Gilford, and I'm nine years old. My "perfect" sisters are Melanie, who is fourteen, Anita, the thirteen-year-old, Doreen, eleven and a half, and Gloria, who just turned ten and a half.

I guess you could call me a tomboy. I LOVE sports, especially baseball. Last year I was the best player on my team at school. No one expected me, the "new girl" to be any good, but I guess I showed them.

We had moved in the middle of the school-year. It was because of dad's business. For some reason, which is unknown to me, they had to relocate here in Friendship, New York.

Oh my God, you guys, FINALLY! We're not in freaking Brockport anymore! (No offense to any Brockportians.)

I have never been quite sure of what dad's business actually does. All I know is that he works in town, away from our home in the country. Dad is always rushing off to business meetings. Sometimes he even holds fancy parties at our house. I try to focus on myself, because it all confuses me.

My dad owned a diner, so I had NO CLUE what business types did. Other than throw fancy parties at their homes in the country. That much was obvious.

Speaking of their home in the country, would you care to see the floor plans?


This time I tried to appease my mother by adding in a staircase opening. And someone sleeping in what appears to be a giant papoose! But I wasn't done yet...


That weird basket-y thing protruding from Gloria's room is a balcony. So she can practice scenes from Romeo and Juliet, no doubt. I'm not sure where Melanie's room is. Maybe she lives in the attic à la Greg Brady.

Then I got bored with the aerial view and whipped up this:


Yes, the 11-year-old has her own art studio. And the Gilford are big fans of the overstuffed couch. Okay, back to the story...

Now I suppose I should tell you about Melanie, the poet. Some of her poems were even printed in a magazine. She wears her long brown hair swept over to the side. I think she has pretty awesome taste in clothes, though my parents beg to differ. They dislike her all-black wardrobe, but I think Melanie just wants to be her own person. Besides, black is her favorite color.

Then comes Anita, the ballet dancer

Blah blah waking up at 5:30 blah blah the Nutcracker blah. I guess I couldn't take another second of the Gilford Girls and their many, many talents. And probably neither can you.

NEXT TIME: More about Friendship's happening country scene in My Life as a Pre-Teen.

My Diary, part four

LAST TIME: Ashley the Diary had listen to Jenny (or Jen) go on and on about her really exciting fifth grade life. Jenny's parents' divorce at long last became final, and Jenny's dad was all, "YESSSSSS! Now I can ditch these bratty kids and gorge myself on McDonald's... in Maine!" Gretchen and Todd kissed, and I threw up in my mouth a little. Jen scribbled some passive-aggressive poetry on Gretchen's cast, and that dirty britch responded with crutch violence. Jen, Sarah, and Abby formed the "US" club to plot their revenge, because they have nothing better to do, with a capital N. Jenny's mom said she had a surprise, and Jen was POSITIVE it had to do with her 6-year-old sister being a mass murderer—and not the fact that they've been spending every weekend in Brockport visiting their ailing grandfather and other relatives. Surely not!

And now, I'm sorry to say, we have the final installment:

2/10/89

Dear Ashley,

I am really mad at my mom. Guess what her surprise is? We are moving too! We're moving down to where Ellen lives, a street away! It's so we can take care of Grampa. So he can recover.

I know it sounds like Jenny's confusing a heart attack with a stroke or something, but my own grandma had heart disease and she definitely had some periods where she was pretty effed up.

And my mom feels safer down here in New York where she grew up. She likes being down here with her two sisters. My other aunt is Aunt Mary. How can she do this to me!?! She already bought the house, so there is no backing out. We are going to see the house tomorrow and then we're going to Aunt Mary's so I can see my other cousins, Lisa, Eleanor, and Eddie. Eleanor is my age, too. My new school is called Friendship. Ellen told me. She says there are a lot of cute boys in the neighborhood! Ellen doesn't understand how I feel about leaving Sarah and Abby. I don't want to leave. I don't want to lose Sarah and Abby.

♥
-J

2/11/89

Dear Ashley,

I have a kitten! I have a pet. That probably makes no sense. Well, we went to my Aunt Mary's yesterday. They are rich! Eleanor is like super-nice and they gave me a birthday present, a kitten. A calico kitten and guess what I named her? I almost named her Ashley, but that would be confusing for you.

Yes, PLEASE don't confuse the diary.

So I named her C.C. because I like the way it sounds. It stands for calico cat, I guess, if nothing else. And Ellen gave me the present from her. Guess what it is, a fancy writing notebook, 2 4-color pens, and some earrings. The earrings are pencils.


How Claudia Kishi! Well, if one were a pencil and the other were a notebook, maybe?

Eleanor is so, so lucky. She has an electric typewriter! [Man! Those rich kids get all the good stuff!] I tried it out. I wrote my name, "Jennifer Ann Scott". Eleanor said, "I thought your last name was Fields." I said no that it was my mom's last name. Eleanor looked embarrassed. Oh, well. Guess what, we couldn't see the house because the owners were moving out, but we'll see it tomorrow.

♥
-J

2/12/89

Dear Ashley,

I saw the house today. There are 3 bedrooms. Grampa has one, mom has one, and Tony has one. Then there's the attic. I have to share a room with Lucy, Snob Force member. If she tries to brainwash me, she dies. Our street is called Evergreen Ave. Our address is 925 Evergreen Ave. I don't want to move. Ellen is so excited that I can't tell her and I want to, but she would never, never understand. She thinks it's great that I'm moving. My room is big and my mom is an interior decorator. She has a studio in the basement. Mom is going to help us fix up the attic. Guess what, there's a bathroom, too. Lucy is so, so excited about having her own bathroom where she can leave her underwear on the floor. I said not as long as I was here too.

Lucy is rapidly becoming my favorite character in this book.

We are going to pack tomorrow. We're leaving today. C.C. is staying with Eleanor. How will I break up the "US" club?

♥
-J


2/13/89

I'll tell you one thing, it wasn't fun to break up the "US" club. Abby is so upset that I can't tell if she's mad at me or not. She spent almost the whole day in the school bathroom. Sarah isn't mad at me, she's just mad... and sad. Me too. All three of us were crying our eyes out. Mom said they can come visit me not this weekend, not next, the weekend after next.

Egad, who's the chauffeur? Assuming we really were in Cleveland to start with, that's at least a 4-hour drive... each way!

By then our room will be done. Our room will be painted sky blue. Lucy wanted it pink, but I absolutely refused to have my room PINK. Really. Her bed spread is pink. We divided the room in half. I have the half by the 2 windows. I picked frilly off-white curtains. My bedspread is off-white, too with small sky blue and pink hearts on it. We are going to get an off-white curtain to go across the room so it can be private. I miss C.C.

♥
-J

2/14/89

Dear Ashley,

I'm writing in pink because today is Valentine's Day. And guess what happened. Todd dumped Gretchen! It was in her valentine from him. Now he goes with this girl in our class named Brittany.

He's a class act, that Todd.

Gretchen was crying her head off and she threw up in the bathroom. Mrs. Enite asked me to walk her down to the nurse's office. Can you believe that? So I was trapped. I walked her down and I had to wait with her until the nurse came, about 15 minutes later. You'll never believe what happened! Gretchen apologized! She said she was sorry about calling Abby fat, about me walking Lucy home, about Todd, and about kissing and trying to hit me with her crutch. So I said I was sorry about what I wrote on her cast. So now we are friends again. I wonder what the "US" club will think about another member. How will I tell Gretchen I'm moving?

They're FRIENDS again?! Did I really write this? Are we in Bizarro World?

2/15/89

Dear Ashley,

I wonder what C.C. is doing.

My money's on napping.

We are officially moving on Saturday. I'm going to Abby's for the "US" club meeting so I won't be in the way. Guss what, Gretchen is in the "US" club! And on Friday, the "US" club is going to the school at 5:00 to go in the boy's bathroom, even Abby. I have to because it was one of my resolutions.

She is so, so sticking to all of those resolutions. I swear she is!

We are packing, packing, packing! I wrote dad a letter, telling him about the house. Our rooms are done being painted and the downstairs is getting done. Aunt Sue called mom to tell her what was going on. And guess what, dad knew we were moving before we knew! How unfair. And mom knew dad was moving before we did. The world is so unfair. I swear it is. I told Gretchen I was moving. She was crying and said that I couldn't since we just got to be friends again. She's coming to visit.

♥
-J

2/16/89

Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow I'll see my little C.C. We went in the boy's bathroom. It's like the girl's bathroom except they have no mirrors (we have two) and they have those things called urinals or something. How sick. We were hysterical.

This is based entirely on fact! Apparently 10-year-old boys don't need to know what they look like.

All my stuff is packed except for tomorrow's clothes, you, a pair of shoes, my pens, and my notebook. I'm all set for the "US" club meeting. It's hard to believe I'm leaving... and not coming back. On Monday I start school. My new school, Friendship. Friendship is a cool name for a school. Ellen said they built it over the summer because the old school burnt down. Guess what else, there was a flood the first day of school! It rains a lot where we're moving to.

If I remember correctly, it's more that they have problems with sewage backup where she's moving to.

I'm almost done writing on your pink pages, Ashley.

The first third of the diary's pages are pink, the next are yellow, and the final third are blue. We ALMOST make it out of the pink.

I can't wait for tomorrow's "US" club meeting. Abby bought another friendship bracelet for Gretchen.

♥
-J

2/17/89

Dear Ashley,

So we moved. We packed, we moved, and now we have to unpack. I am a teensy bit nervous about sleeping in this strange house. I didn't see C.C. She is coming over tomorrow so she won't be in the way while we unpack. We spent most of the "US" club meeting crying. I can't wait until Abby, Sarah, and Gretchen come to visit me. Wait until they see my room. We are putting up the curtain tomorrow. I can't wait. Our room looks great. The bathroom is lavendar. Can you imagine? A lavendar bathroom? Well, it could happen to anyone.

Sager words were never spoken.

No, that's not my bathroom. But according to Jen, IT COULD BE.

There are two storage spaces in our room, one on each side of the room. Each one has a big picture on the outside wall. How weird! But if Lucy lives here, it has to be real weird. Grampa is moving in next weekend. I'm kinda nervous about meeting him. I mean I'll live with him, but I won't know him!
***

♥
-J

2/18/89

Dear Ashley,

WOW! You will never guess what I found today! We were cleaning and Tony pushed me into the broom closet in the kitchen. What a jerk! Well, I got slammed into the back of the broom closet and guess what happened! The wall fell out. Well part of the wall in the middle of the wall. There was an open square space left. I stuck my hand in. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't see anything. It was so, so dark! Well, I put the wall piece back in. You couldn't even tell it could come out! There are two wood pieces that go around the length of the broom closet, 2 feet from the top and 2 feet from the bottom. It must be a secret passage. It can't be a storage space. Who's ever heard of a hidden storage space... in a closet. I mean, get real! I'll get a flashlight and check it out after school tomorrow. C.C. is here. I love C.C.

♥
-Jen

Dude. Who the hell can fit inside a broom closet? And we know Jen isn't skinny. I mean, she's not fat, but she's not skinny either.

2/20/89

Dear Ashley,

I'm not in Eleanor or Ellen's class! There are 4 5th grade classes. This girl named Rebecca showed me around.

That's Rebecca Smith, who lives with her single mother and 12 siblings. Clearly she doesn't have enough to do.

My homeroom and math teacher is Mr. Matthews. My Reading teacher is Ms. Dunn. Mr. Matthews teaches me Health, Science, and Social Studies. Eleanor is in my Math and Ellen's in my Reading class! But they already have their own friends and I felt left out. Guess what, it is a secret passage!

Well, of course it is! If my stories continue for long enough, a secret passage will inevitably be discovered.

I went in afterschool when everyone was gone. Tony went to Janie's, Lucy went to Aunt Sue's to see Beth, and mom went grocery shopping. I stuck my leg in and felt ground, so I got in. Inside, there was a latch to close the wall piece! I shone the flashlight around and behind me, I saw a ladder! So I climbed until I came to like a landing. It was a tiny room, about twice as big as a nice sized closet! I saw a small hole so, I looked in. I was looking into Tony's closet!

Tony's closet? Who knows what kind of awesomeness that could hold!

This secret passage RULES!

I got out of the room and kept climbing until the ladder stopped. I saw another latched wall piece. I unlatched it and climbed out. I was in my storage space! I looked at the wall piece on the floor. It was that big picture. I wondered why it was there.

The house we moved into in fifth grade also featured an attic storage space with random paintings hanging inside. (Yes, paintings INSIDE the crawl space. Really.) Unfortunately, the explanation was that one of the former tenants was a bad artist, not that we had a secret passage. Though you better believe I thoroughly tested the broom closet for hollow walls.

How cool! A secret passage in my house! I wasn't going to tell anybody. Not even Ellen. I would show Sarah, Abby, and Gretchen when they came to visit. The room could be our clubhouse. I'm so, so glad I found the secret passage. I fit the picture back in. You couldn't tell at all!

Love,
Jen

The entry inexplicably ends with a cat illustration:

Um, okaaaaay.

2/21/89

Dear Ashley,

It's hopeless. I think I'll never have any friends. Ellen and Eleanor have their own seperate groups. Eleanor is really, really popular. Can you believe it? Well, it's true.

If you haven't realized yet, Eleanor is Eleanor Jefferson, the Queen Bee of Friendship Elementary in spite of her old lady name and old lady cardigans. Or, hey, maybe she's just a trendsetter. By the mid-'90s dressing like a grandma would be HUGE!

I totally love granny sweaters, by the way. Still.

The curtain is up. Lucy is littering the bathroom with bath toys. She has about 9 different bubble baths. The curtains are up and they look great. My bed is in between the window and the curtain. The bedspread looks great! My desk is across from my bed on the other side of the room. My typewriter and pens and pencils and paper and stuff is over there. My dresser is against the wall, between the windows. My kitten poster is above my desk. Nothing is blocking the storage space. I found a phone jack on my side of the room! Now all I need is a phone.

Yeah, that might be helpful.

Grampa is coming on Saturday. I can't wait for the "US" club to get here. It'll be the best sleepover ever!

♥
-J

2/22/89

Dear Ashley,

Guess what!?!? Today these three girls, Gloria, Sara, and Regina ate lunch with me? Can you believe it? They are VERY nice. I'm SO, SO excited. I'm making new friends. WOW! The girls, you know, Gloria, Sara, and Regina, were really nice.

They would be Gloria Gilford, Sara Doone, and Regina Grubble, stars of the unwritten Don't Be Yourself; Me, Super-Girl (and its equally unwritten sequel, Super-Girl Flies Again); and One of the Best Friends You Ever Had, respectively.

I still feel kind of stupid listening to everyone talk about the boys and other stuff that has happened at school. I know it's not my fault I wasn't here, but I still feel like it is. Oh well, one thing's for sure, I won't feel left out when the "US" club comes to visit.

Are the extraneous quotation marks and needless capitalization really "IRRITATING" anyone else?

They are coming on the weekend after the weekend Grampa gets here. I'm nervous about having Grampa come. What if he doesn't like me? What if he's really old-fashioned? The possibilities are practically endless!

Sorry, but I couldn't think of any evil grandpas.

You guys, Jenny's already living in the attic! And she seems to take an unhealthy enjoyment in watching her brother get it on with the ladies! DANGER! DANGER!!!

Oh well, life goes on, I guess. I hope!

♥
-Jen

2/24/89

Today I got a letter in the mail from dad. He said he's all settled in his new house. I have to write and tell him we are all settled in ours. Those girls, Gloria, Sara, and Regina didn't sit with me today. They sat with their other two friends. Everyone here has their own tight little groups. Ellen said I have to give it time. I don't see her and her friends being nice to me. It's because snotty Michelle doesn't like me, I just know it!

Her second-best friend won't even sit with her at lunch? You're about to get demoted, Ellen.

My only friends are the "US" club. I can't wait 'til they get here next weekend! It don't fit in at school. I can't believe it's called "Friendship". There doesn't seem to be any left for me!

HA!

Grampa will be here tomorrow. Thank goodness it's Friday!

Love,
♥ Jen ♥

And that's all we've got. Sorry to end this one on a downer! But don't worry—the Friendship Elementary Master Clique List (okay, it's really just titled Groups) reveals that Jenny-or-Jen eventually befriends August Brokenhoff, Stephanie Pepper, and Elaine Foster. You can rest assured they had many fun times together creating more "CLUBS" and hanging out in all of Jenny's various closets.

NEXT TIME: Especially for Valentine's Day, a real-life tale of love as my family celebrates my grandparents' 40th wedding anniversary by tricking them into renewing their vows.

Yeah, that's right, I'm going to get two posts up this week if it kills me!

My Diary, part three

LAST TIME: Jenny (or Jen) continued to pour her heart out to her diary, Ashley, about her various fifth grade traumas: Sarah almost DIED of pneumonia, but only missed about two weeks of school. Abby lost a worrisome amount of weight, which was GREAT NEWS! That britch Gretchen broke her leg due to her extreme idiocy—and STILL managed to seduce Todd Swartz and his hair! Meanwhile, Jen's grandpa had a heart attack and the family went to Brockport to help out. How did Jen help? By being bitchy to her cousin Ellen and secretly watching her brother make out through a hole in the floor. But it turned out Ellen is a peeping Tom too, so she and Jen TOTALLY BONDED. Also, our heroine got a paint splatter sweatshirt for her birthday. Can this story get any awesomer? Let's find out.

1/26/89
Thrilling Thursday.

Dear Ashley,

I'm really mad at Gretchen. I'll never be friends with her, even if she comes and begs me to let her kiss my feet. I'd rather slit my wrists.

You guys? If we ever get in a fight, offering to make out with my feet is NOT the way to win me back. Just an FYI.

I was walking home with Sarah and Pesty Lucy and Todd was walking Gretchen home. Well I heard someone yell, "Jennnnyyy!" So, I turned around and it was Gretchen. Her and Todd started cracking up. So I turned around. Sarah said, "Ignore." So about 5 minutes later I turned around for some dumb reason. Gretchen was staring straight at me but Todd didn't notice. Then she whispered something I couldn't hear and they started kissing.

Nooooooooooo! Seriously, there was only one fifth grade couple I knew who kissed (Terrence and Tacie), and I'm sorry to say they used to MAKE OUT on the school bus.

It wasn't as gross as Tony and Janie but they hurt me.

Terrence and Tacie, on the other hand? Grosser than you can possibly imagine.

I still found the note during class and I want to know why "Chipmunk" was walking home, with her broken leg and all but there are some things we never learn.

♥
-J

Jen is SO ZEN.

1/27/89
Freaky Friday.

Well, I guess I forgot to tell you what the note said. It said:

For the visually impaired, that's:

To my little Chipmunk-

How is your leg? I am so glad I'm walking you home today. We can talk. Meet me in the park tomorrow, OK?

L♥ve, Your Bear (Grizzly)

So anyway on the outside it said: To: Gretch From: Todd

So, Sarah had to go home for a doctor's appointment so me and Abby went to the park to wait for "Grizzly" and "Chipmunk". But Gretchen never came!!! Todd was down there with his friend, Joey. They were talking about Gretchen and saying too bad she couldn't come because of her leg and then they started laughing. But we couldn't figure out anything else because they started a snowball fight. Even though there was hardly any snow!

♥
-J

That is the single most realistic thing a boy in these books has done. Strictly the snowball part, that is.

1/28/89
Sunday Supreme.

We are staying with dad for a while because mom went back down to Brockport to take care of things at Grampa's house because Aunt Sue called to say that someone broke in last night! I got Ellen's address and we are going to be pen-pals! So I am going to write Ellen a letter. Dad let me bring my typewriter since it isn't that heavy. Then I'm going to type a story and put it in here so I'll always remember it. Dad is calling me because it's time to play Scrabble. Scrabble is so, so cool. I'm really good, I swear I am. Well, bye for now.

♥
-J

And then we're treated to this lovely drawing of Gretchen, who is apparently a pockmarked, cross-eyed bobblehead with a scrunchy for a body:



Hey, what happened to Jenny's actual pen pal? I seem to have forgotten that plotline in the midst of all of the voyeurism and near-death experiences. But although Kristina Martin (as portrayed by my sister) is never heard from again, the book's folder contains this:

January 21, 1989

Dear Jenny,

My mom and dad are divorced. My dad lives in Florida. I live with my mom and my little brother Ben who is 3½. I also live with my hamster, Snuffy, and my brother's turtle, (he got today) and my brother's turtle's fish (we also got today). My brother didn't name his turtle yet. Do you have any suggestions? Do you have any pets? I have to walk home a girl, also. Her name is Gretchen. She's pesty, too. I like ice-skating, except my mom never has the time to take me.

Yes, my sister did read a lot of Lurlene McDaniels.

My bestfriend is Judy. My X-friend or X-best friend is Veronica. Last year my teacher read us or started reading "The Diary of Anne Frank". I made resolutions in my diary. Did you make resolutions in your diary? We have so much in common. Don't you think? If you don't have any pets tell me what kind of pet you like or want.

Maybe this is what spawned the "gerbil named Tails" revelation?

I'm turning 11 on June 18. I can't wait. I have to eat dinner in 13 minutes I think. Well, I'm running out of paper.

Your truly,
Kristina E. Martin

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled melodrama.

1/29/89
Merciful Monday

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen asked me to sign her cast as a joke. So, I wrote:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made Gretchen
Well, we all make mistakes

And I mean it! -Jennifer S.

I HATE U, "CHIPMUNK"

You know she's serious because she signed it "Jennifer." Also, I am plagiarizing the BSC so hard, I probably owe Ann M. Martin royalties. That is the EXACT SAME passive-aggressive rhyme that Kristy scribbled on Claud's cast in Claudia and the Bad Joke. My friends and I were moderately obsessed with it, our favorite variation being:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made boys
Well, we all make mistakes

Obviously.

So, Gretchen got really mad and tried to hit me with her crutch but Sarah stood up and said to leave me alone and Gretchen was so surprised because Sarah used to be so quiet, not shy, quiet while Abby ran and got the teacher so, Gretchen had to stay after school which serves the little brich right. Sarah said her doctor's appointment was good and that she was all better and healthy. I could tell there was more. So I called her after school to find out - Sarah got her period!

♥
-J

Did the doctor, like, induce her period or something? I don't understand. Ew.

2/1/89
That's Thursday (Today)

Dear Ashley,

Well, it's over. My parents are divorced. It doesn't seem like it's really different. But mom is back and we're staying with her again because dad is moving. So he's packing and we would be in the way. But guess where he's moving to... Maine! And we get to see him for a month each summer and he's going to come down and see us for a week during Winter Break. I was crying when I heard. I am going to miss him so, so much. You don't realize how much you love a person until they are gone... or leaving. But we get to stay with him all next week. This weekend we are going to Brockport with mom and then dad drives down and picks us up and brings us back while mom stays all week and helps. We're leaving tomorrow.

♥
-J

2/2/89
Fabulous Friday

Dear Ashley,

We are driving down to Brockport. I'm in front! I can't wait to see Ellen. Tony's so excited about seeing Janie, he's been babbling about her all day. Right now, he's saying how she wrote him a letter saying that she will show him around town. I'll write letter since mom is trying to read over my shoulder!

While driving?! That doesn't seem safe, Edith.

Well, now it's 9:30. Tony is out at a movie with Janie. I'm baby-sitting Pesty but she's asleep. We ate dinner at Aunt Sue's. That pen was running out. Ellen showed me her friends, Debbie, Michelle, and Kris (Kristin). They are nice, all of them except Michelle, who's conceited. Ellen said she was showing off and sometimes gets carried away making a good impression.

That is totally grossed-out.

But then they were talking about boys at their school and I felt left out, but I didn't say anything. Mom just got back from the hospital. 'Bye.

♥
-J

2/4/89
SUNDAY

Hi! It's Ellen again! I have nothing to say! 'Bye!

Well, so much for Ellen's page. Mom said dad just pulled up and Pesty ran out and I can hear her scream, "Daddy-Poo!" How immature! Well, we're here in the car and it's safe to write. Lucy got to sit in front with dad (she always gets her way, I swear she does) and Tony's asleep. Mom said she has a surprise for us when we come back next weekend. Maybe we are giving Lucy up for adoption!

Ha ha ha ha.

I don't want to go back to school, but I can't wait to see Sarah or Abby. I really don't want to see Gretchen. I still like Todd, but he is really sick. I mean, he is so, so gross. Tony is waking up.

Bye, Ashley.

♥
-J

And then, for whatever reason, there's a picture of a hirsute Muppetlike character. And a pencil. Of course!


2/6/89

Dear Ashley,

Valentine's Day is in 8 days. Guess what, my lucky number is 5. I swear, that is the best number. A little birdie told me so. Me and Sarah and Abby made our valentines at Abby's after school. Abby looks like her dad but her mom is stick-skinny and looks like a model. Can you believe it? I can't.

Yeah, we know you can't.

Guess what else, Sarah has a boyfriend!!! This boy in our class, Ben, asked her yesterday!!! She is in true love and it is good for Sarah because she's never been in love before. I am so, so glad Sarah got over her pneumonia.

You guys, I think it's great that Sarah conquered her fear of death and all, but what the hell? Getting pneumonia makes you assertive AND it will snag you a man?! Where can I get pneumonia???

And guess what, Abby thinks Ben is a major hunk. I think he's pretty ugly and gross, like the rest of the boys at our school, but I didn't say so because they are my best friends and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I am so, so excited about mom's surprise. Maybe Lucy is a murderer and the police are putting her in a juvenile delinquent prison.

Oh. My. God. AWESOME.

But then I think about dad moving. I mean, Maine is so far away. I'm going to miss him so, so much.

♥
-J

2/8/89

Dear Ashley,

When I grow up I'm going to have a husband and two kids, one boy, one girl. The girl will be older and her name will be Ashley, like you. The boy's name will be Todd, after my long lost love.

Yes, you read that correctly. She's going to name her child AFTER HER DIARY.

I'll be writer of children's books and they'll publish my diaries when I die so I will be remembered but not embarrassed.

I used to think that if I ever became a famous writer and someone published a posthumous volume of my letters, people would be sorely, sorely disappointed.

I guess my husband won't be Todd, since it would be dumb to have two Todds in the family. I have yet to meet my true love. Maybe someday that will come true, but for now all I can think about is Gretchen getting her cast off tomorrow. I'll die. I like her better handicapped, not that I like her at all! Abby is so, so happy! She lost 11 pounds in less than two months, a little over one!

Yeah, I'd say a trip to the pediatrician is in order.

Dad rented a movie for us tonight. It was "The Lost Boys". That's a good movie! Corey Haim is so, so cute! Dad didn't let Lucy watch it because it's rated 'R'! Too bad for the little dirtbag!

♥
-J

2/9/89

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen didn't come to school today. Me and Sarah and Abby have a club called "US". Don't you think it's us? Well, our club is completely against Gretchen. We want revenge. With a capital R.

These girls need a hobby. With a capital H.

Angela McMurphy invited me to her Valentine's Day sleepover party, but I can't go because we are going to Brockport next weekend, just like we are this weekend. Guess what, Abby bought the three of us matching Friendship bracelets for the "US" club. Dad is dropping us off at Brockport today on his way to Maine. So that will be the last time I see dad until the summer. I start crying whenever I think about it.

See, she's not 100% cold-hearted britch. Maybe just 98%.

But today mom tells us her surprise. I can't wait. I'm so, so excited! I swear, it must have something to do with Lucy. I just know it. Dad says it's time to go. His house is empty. Well, good bye, house! Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Ashley!

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The surprise is revealed and—spoiler!—it does not involve Lucy being shipped off to kiddie prison.