No boy bands allowed

Do we have to talk about how long I've been gone? I've been gone a long time. A long, looooong time. The past two months were unexpectedly busy, but now it looks like I will—just as unexpectedly—have a lot more time on my hands. This is probably bad news for my bank account, but hopefully good news for the blog. So... yay?

This installment of Every Picture Tells a Story was probably drawn during the height of my obsession with wanting to form a band. (Third grade? Fourth grade? Did I ever STOP want to form a band? Do I STILL want to form a band, even though I would now be in the 26th grade? The answers are probably, maybe, definitely not, and oh hells yes, respectively.)

Behold the titular girls of Girls Only, a band whose members sky-rocketed to fame after they adopted questionable pseudonyms and started rocking malls across the U.S. of A.:

Where to start? How about the band's obvious leader, Sax-o? And if you don't think a saxophone player could be the key component to a band, you clearly do not remember the '80s, wherein there was at least one gratuitous sax solo in every song, sometimes two. I think Reagan may have signed it into law at some point. What I'm saying is, the '80s? They were saxy. Like, this is what a saxophone player looked like in 1987:

Body grease courtesy of i-mockery.com.

Well, this and the littlest orphan girl on Rags to Riches, who I totally would have pulled a Single White Female on, except I was nine and Single White Female wouldn't come out for another five years.

After the '80s? Dudes with saxophones looked like this:

Small favor: At least Kenny wasn't into the "g-string with chain belt" look.

Plus you can tell Sax-o was the brains behind this operation because I drew a heart around her and gave her a rad belly shirt in the Before drawing:

You can't have an entire band of Plain Janes; someone has order the side ponytails. And I don't see any hologram-generating supercomputers around here—do you? Plus, it's really impressive that Cindy is a sax player WITHOUT ANY ARMS. Do you see arms? Or just copious hair? Observe her post-makeover:

NARY AN ARM TO BE FOUND! But who needs 'em when you have giant segmented pigtails and a saxophone that strongly resembles a fat banana? I kind of don't want to know how she keeps that thing in her mouth.

Sax-o's partner in coolness is Keys—which, quite frankly, I could only tell because of the handy heart encircling enhearting. Tell me, was slicking your bangs back with an eyebrow-level headband ever fashion-forward?

You are treading dangerously close to Geordi La Forge territory, my friend.

It seems like it would be hard to play the piano with hooves for hands, but this band does have an armless saxophone player, and that one-armed drummer from Def Leppard seemed to do all right for himself, so who am I to judge? You can see that Keys' awesomeness only increased when she started wearing choir robes instead of real clothing:

That has to be a keyboard, right? I mean, her name is friggin' Keys, not Desks.

If I could pick Sax-o's second-in-command again, I probably would go with Dray, because she looks kind of like Joan Jett:

Also loves rock 'n' roll.

You'd think that the addition of a drum kit would make her a total badass, but...

Noooooo! Make it stop!

Yeah, someone (read: me) forgot the "kit" part. It's like she swiped this from a drum circle on her way back from a scuba lesson. (Those are flippers she's wearing, are they not?) And just in case you guys didn't know what a flower drum song sounds like, it's this: "bom bom." The saxophone and the keyboard, they make music. The drum? Bom bom.

Next we have Getta, who looks a little like one of the girls in One Crazy Summer who got slapped on the back and discovered her face really would stay like that:

Sax-o: "Want to join our band?"

Keys: "Don't look so surprised. You can play... um... a large string instrument?"

WHAT IS THAT THING? A bass that must be played violin-style? And what kind of advanced yogi shit is she doing with her arms? Does anyone in this band have normal appendages?!

Then we have the Commitmentettes TrayLaas, identical triplets who could sorely use some advice from the author of Curly Girl:

After? They're basically the honky version of Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors. (Yes, our taped-off-of-HBO copy of Little Shop had its fair share of viewings.) Oh, and on top of being white, they also have wilty, singing beehives.

Wilty beehives: "Feed us, Sax-o!"

And finally? Minnie. Actually, stop the presses, er, blog-publishing mechanism! Was I wrong? Was Minnie always the one in charge? Because she doesn't even merit a "Before" drawing, that's how frappin' sophis she is. You can tell because she has CLEAVAGE.

Oooo indeed.

She also has a scary man-arm (maybe she's been stealing everyone else's limbs and somehow injecting them into her right arm? ...or else she's an avid bowler?) and a bizarre Princess-Leia-meets-Orthodox-Jewish-fellow hairstyle, but? Forgivable. Because she has a fancy dress on and CLEAVAGE. Have I mentioned the cleavage?

Sadly, we can only imagine the amazing music produced when saxophone, keyboard, conga drum, bassolin, saggy beehives, and cleavage at last meet.

NEXT TIME: Rabbits in fishnets. I so, so, SO wish I was joking.

Prostitution People

This picture tells a story beloved by schlocky film execs everywhere: mousy introvert gets contact lenses, a miniskirt, and instant popularity! It's titled (what, you guys didn't title your fourth grade drawings?) PERSONALITY PEOPLE.

No, really.

[You can click to enlarge, but please rest assured that we are going to cover this in excruciating detail.]

Personality plus!

Our heroine/fashion victim/Jerrica Benton sans Synergy is Dora Lee Kawalksi.

You can tell she needs a makeover because she has a semi-dowdy name and GLASSES. Make me gag!

How hard has Dora Lee been gagging on her old she's-not-yet-all-that style? So hard that I had to put an extra exclamation point at the beginning of the sentence. Dude. That's a lot of gagging.

But this is just our piddling BEFORE photo; as the drawing promises, with Dora Lee we get:

Again with the extraneous punctuation. !This crap is exciting! !I don't know if you guys noticed! !WOO!

That's because our ho-hum friend Dora Lee is about to transform herself into... a straight-up ho?

[Okay, NOW you should click to enlarge.]

The fun has been AT LEAST doubled.

First off, it's obvious that Dora Lee has been under the knife. I don't work for US Weekly or anything, but I can spot the rhinoplasty and chin implant from here.

[Quick sidebar: When I was in college, a weak-chinned chap who lived on my floor actually got a chin implant—and it ended up CROOKED because he spent too much time, like, stroking it. Ew? Looks like the same thing happened to ol' D.L. Kawalski here.]

Once you get past the plastic surgery, you can see that the '80s pretty much erupted on this drawing, spewing forth the molten lava of oversized floppy bows, polka dot capri leggings, and shapeless off-the-shoulder shirts cinched with stripy belts.

So, she looks like a hooker, but a fashion-forward hooker. A totally '80s hooker. I mean, check this out:

Jet: confirmed call girl.

How else can she afford a ring on every finger; earrings that are, like, tiny lampshades dangling from dice; and OH MY GOD, is that a Watch-a-call?

But please, don't get all Lifetime-y and try to hire Meredith Baxter and Valerie Bertinelli to track Jet down and let loose some vigilante justice on her pimp. [Note to Lifetime executives: This would be an amazing concept for a series.] That's because, well, I'll let Dora Lee tell you herself:

See, guys! It's fine! Because she was already a prostitute on the INSIDE.

Okay, okay. Maybe she's not a prostitute. Maybe everyone wants to call and chit-chat with her because she has such a great personality.

Yeah, that's it.

NEXT TIME: What's better than one makeover? How about making over an entire band?

P.S. Longer Letter Later

In fifth grade, my friends and I had many activities we enjoyed doing together: rating the boys in our class on various predetermined qualities; singing along to Paula Abdul; eating Cool Ranch Doritos; choreographing elaborate dance routines to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack; and, of course, creating fictional characters who would then engage in epistolary feuds. The former is what we'll be covering here.

I had tried coauthoring a book before with my friends Katie and Jessica. The plan was that each of us would write a paragraph, then hand it off to the next person. The problem? We never made it to page two. We did, however, write some preadolescent promo material:

LIFE ISN'T FAIR
Courtney used to think her life was great. She isn't popular and she isn't a total dweeb. Her and her best friend, Teri, have it made. And Courtney's boyfriend is the most popular boy in school. Then Courtney's parents are having a baby, and Courtney eavesdrops and discovers the fact that she's adopted and she knows that her parents don't want her. When her boyfriend dumps her, that's when she decides that life isn't fair. So she [wait for it...] runs away.

Of course she does! By the way, I think we may need to resurrect the word "dweeb."

For our next cowritten venture, Katie and I decided to simplify things. Our book would be a series of letters written by two friends who were having a much more interesting summer than we were. Plus, this would give us an excuse to utilize a four-color pen (Katie) and dot our i's with hearts (me).


But first we had to jot down a list of our respective four-color pen pals' vital statistics and favorite T.V. shows—this allowed us to make extraneous pop culture references and concoct zany hobbies that no real-life fifth grader would ever admit to being interested in. My character, Andrea Forleene, loved goats and Corey Haim.

Full name: Andrea Heather Forleene
D.O.B.: October 4, 1977
Sex: Female
Fav. Food: Chocolate cigars

Because everyone knows chocolate tastes better when it's shaped like a phallus. Mmm!

Fav. Colors: Black and hot pink

Fav. T.V. show: The Wonder Years
Fav. Animal: Goat
Fav. Song: I Saw Him Standing There Only In My Dreams
Fav. Actor: Cory Haim
Fav. Actress: Kristy Swanson

I was very impressed with her performance in Flowers in the Attic. And that movie where she narrowly escapes death by becoming a killer robot.

Fav. Singer(s): Debbie Gibson
Fav. Movie: Three Men And A Baby

Remember those rumors about how there was a ghost of a little boy in Three Men and a Baby—but it turned out some sloppy crew member just left a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson wearing a top hat and tuxedo in the scene? Lame!

Worst urban legend ever. It should at least be the ghost of Guttenberg!

Height: 4'8"

Weight: 79½
Family: dad - Christopher (41), mom - Stephanie (39), sister - Christina (16), sister - Brittany (14½), brother - Sean (12½), and me!! Andrea (10½)
Fav. Sport: Kickball
Hair Color: Brown wavy, shoulder-length
Eye Color: Brown

Are you ready for the hobbies? This is when we get into WTF territory.

Hobbies: Writing Letters, Singing, Riding Trains, Collecting fake flowers, making pyramids out of old pop cans, recycling, eating chocolate, collecting flashlights, wearing tons of jewelry, making my family members pissed.

Making pyramids out of old pop cans? Seriously? That's how Andrea spends her time? And I thought the flashlight collection was so genius, I actually reused it in another story. !!! Or perhaps you could say I "recycled" it, because recycling is one of my hobbies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch a train to the fake flower shop. Right after I tell off my mom.

Katie's character was Leslie Nettles, a creative speller who belonged to organizations with unwieldy acronyms for names.

Full Name: Leslie Elizabeth Nettles
D.O.B.: July 7, 1977
Sex: Female
Favorite Food: Corean Chiken Balls

Neither Katie nor I had ever eaten a Korean chicken ball, but we HAD seen the movie Hello Again, starring Shelley Long as a woman who chokes to death on a Korean chicken ball only to be magically raised from the grave one year later by her woo-woo sister, Zelda. Unfortunately, Shelley Long does not come back as a zombie, but she does end up making out with Gabriel Byrne, so I guess that's cool too.

Favorite Color: Peach
Favorite T.V. Show: Miami Vice
Favorite Animal: Saint Bernardo

Saint Bernardo?

Do you get it? Do you get it?

You might if you realize that's Bernardo from West Side Story, and that's he's wearing a shoddily drawn halo. (Crap, jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them, are they?)

Favorite Song: Pour Some Sugar on Me
Favorite Singer(s): Def Leppard
Favorite Movie: [Blank]
Hieght: [Blank]
Wieght: [Blank]
Family Members: Mom: Frances (38), Dad Francis (39), Maria (7), Sandra (16), Marx (16), Alan (13)

We thought it would be beyond hilarious to have two parents with the same name. In retrospect, I think it would be better if their last name was Francis too. Also, MARX? What do we think? Are Frances and Francis commie pinkos or Marx Brothers fans? Or both?

Favorite Sport: Horse Back Riding, Water Skiing
Hair: Red
Eyes: Green
Hobbies: Basket Ball, Dancing, Acting, Bug Collecting, Pillow Case Collecting, Cooking, A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W., making my sister jealous, Water Skiing, Horse Back Riding, Listening to the OLDIES [do you think she sweats to them as well?], collecting podel skirts (Todd)

I know what you're thinking—that is, after you've gotten past the pillow case collection and the podel skirts (Todd, by the way, is not the name of one of the podels; he's Leslie's love interest, as you'll see shortly). What you're wondering is "What the hell is the A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W.?" The disturbing part is that IT DIDN'T TAKE ME THAT LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT. I'm pretty sure Leslie belongs to the Anti-Chauvinist Association of America for Girls and Women. And the protagonist from Life Isn't Fair was also a member! [Courtney Allison Sett also had a pet iguana named Igor (who she would totally fall for if she were an iguana!), her boyfriend was a georgiouse skater, and she had a weird habit of stating facts about herself aloud.] I'm not exactly sure what the A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W. did at their meetings, but I suspect it may have involved comparing men to farm animals.

Katie started off the letter writing. Her character had way more exciting vacation plans than mine did.

Dear Andrea,

Hi, how are you? I'm fine! How do you like being with your cousins all of the time? It gets really hot down here. You know Australia always get to be 90° everyday? Well, it's true! I miss my dog Duchess sooooooo much! Do you miss your house?

My grandparents, well, really my grandma can be such a NAG, with a capital N! There's one kangaroo who is hurt and is really tame who eats out of my hand. COOL, huh? I bet you could never get an animal to eat out of your hands!

Well, gotta go!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Your Friend
Leslie E. Nettles

Hello, and welcome to the portion of our story entitled Awesomely True Facts About Australia! As you probably know, the seasons Down Under are opposite those of the U.S. So when we are experiencing summer here, in Australia it's wintertime. What you may not know is that IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER, because it's always 90° in Australia, every single day! It's also a little-known fact that all Ozzies have wild kangaroos in their backyards. Kangaroos are kind of like the raccoons of Australia. Except they don't have opposable thumbs. And they like to be stroked when injured.

DearTO: Leslie Elizabeth Nettles,

For your information, ELIZABETH, my Aunt & Uncle and cousins live on a farm (SORT OF) here in Vermont. SO animals like goats and stuff eat RIGHT out of my hands. SO THERE! So chow yourself out!

Andrea Heather Forleene

P.S. Your grandma's right to NAG you!

In patented Sada style, my character goes totally frigging psycho after the smallest provocation. Also, I think there was some (unwritten) backstory about how Leslie hated her middle name, hence Andrea referring to her as Elizabeth in CRAZY CAPS™. However, I do enjoy "Chow yourself out!" as an insult. I like to think of it as a less-sophisticated version of "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier?"—except I think it might involve overindulgence at the Old Country Buffet.

Dear Andrea,

Listen, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be a brat but I was just sooooo excited about the KANGAROO eating out of my hand. By the way, my grandmother does NOT have the right to nag me.

In your next letter, I hope you aren't mad at me! Gueese what? I met this really neat boy/guy? named Todd. He's got brown hair and green eyes! His grandmother lives down here too. He seems like he's pretty smart but I don't know.

Write Back Soon!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Your Friend,
Leslie E. Nettles

Well, I'm not surprised she doesn't know if Todd's smart. She can't even tell if he's a boy/guy!

Dear Leslie Patricia, [Because Patricia is a waaaay hipper name that Elizabeth.]

Well O.K. you're forgiven, just don't act so conceited! O.K. I guess you can't help it. [Ooh, BURN!] Tell me more about TODD! He sounds SUPER GREAT! No boys around here except for my dad, Sean, and my cousins Danny (10) and Aaron (5). Danny has a crush on me! MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. Isn't that sick? I hope the KANGAROO feels better. O.K. so my other cousin is a girl and her name is Allison and she's 12 and we call her Allie.

Your friend, Andi

P.S. Write back soon.

Thankfully, all those Flowers in the Attic viewings haven't warp Andrea's ideas about what activities are appropriate to engage in with your own flesh and blood.

Dear Andrea,

Hi! Listen, I don't think Andi is such a good name, I mean it's just really not your style! Really, who gave you that name? Any way if you like it, Andi.

Sooo, you want to know more about MY Todd? ["MY" is actually underlined three times in three different colors, but I could only use one here.] You're probably thinking: "her Todd," huh? Well, he asked me to go to the BEACH with him! ALONE! Without any adults! COOL!

It really is gross about Danny! Listen is he cute? How's your aunt? My grandma is just great. Oh, my grandpa caught a 27 bl. fish. Gotta go

Chow-Chow, Taa
Your Friend,
Leslie, (Lesi)

More Awesomely True Facts About Australia: They don't actually use the metric system there. Instead, they use an obscure version the United States customary system in which everything is spelled backwards. That fish weighed 27 sdnuop!

Also, I'm not going to make a joke about Leslie's new nickname and Todd's questionable gender. I AM TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.

Dear Les,

Well, I don't think Lesi is the name for you. Les and Lesli would be O.K. I can't believe you asked if Danny was cute! I mean, he's only a child, besides you have "your Todd" remember. Anyway, O.K., what did you DO at the beach and I'm not being gross, Les. My cousin Allie is really cool and really nice! She took me to the mall yesterday and I got you a present. Wait and see what it is.

Your friend,
Hillary Diana

P.S. I'm changing my name to Hillary, OK?

If you've been paying attention, you may have noted that Andrea's wantin'-to-be-kissin' cousin is only six months younger than she is. An infant, clearly.

Dear Hillary,

You know I like that name! I think I'd like to meet Allie! She sounds cool! When I come back you have to take me to Vermont! Anyway, you have a sick mind! Todd and I went on a walk along the beach and then we went for a soda. Cool, huh!? Your right though, it was gross asking about Danny! I found out something you might be interested in! Todd has got a brother, TWin brother!

Write Soon

Chow-Chow, Taa

Lesli!

Nothing like a walk on the beach in winter. Good thing Australia is 90° year-round! I must say, though, I have my doubts about this intercontinental blind date scheme.

Dear Lesli,

You are right! Allie is cool! What's Todd's brother's name? And I don't have a sick mind!!! By the way, did you share a soda!?! O.K. I was only joking, Les. So when's the wedding? O.K. No more. I stopped. Allie is really nice! We went to the movies and she introduced me to Jeremy, this super-great seventh grader! My new name is Diane. Do you like that name? There are so many names. I hate the name "Andrea"!

Your friend,

Di

I don't know why I had all these characters who were dissatisfied with their names. I've always been kind of fond of mine. I do, however, remember constantly coming up with nicknames for myself (for example, Biff) that never, ever stuck. I can't imagine why.

Dear Di,

I've got a new image! I've got a totally COOL new wardrobe. Todd has this cousin, Glory, who is really cool and she went shopping with me! I got a cool pink skirt with a yellow shirt. So COOL! Todd and I went to the movies and he, well, he sort of, well..., he, uh, he KISSED ME! Uggg! asked me to go to a party with him. Glory helped me pick out this cool dress too! It's just so cool! Oh, yeah, Brian, well, he wants to meet you! But, it's going to be sort of hard for you to meet, but I gave him your address!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Lesli!

And that's it. I mean, if Katie was going to RENEGE ON THE KISSING (the hell?!), where was this story going to go? Plus, she totally stole my getting-made-over-by-a-cool-cousin plotline. Godammit! How was I ever going to top the pink skirt and yellow shirt combo??? She set the coolness bar way too high.

NEXT TIME: Fifth grade book reports, a.k.a. an excuse for 11-year-old me to write some pretty terrible jacket copy.

Until then... Chow-Chow, Taa!

Cool! Completely cool!: That's What Friends Are For, Part 1

Prior to third grade, I'd been flirting with the idea of being an artist when I grew up, or maybe a teacher, or possibly even an art teacher. But once I turned nine, it was time to stop dicking around and get serious about the writing. (Plus, I figured I could always illustrate my own books. Genius!)

This zealousness was in part the result of meeting Marilyn Gould, a childhood friend of my grandmother's and an ACTUAL PUBLISHED AUTHOR—of young adult books, no less! She lived in the decidedly more glamorous state of California, but she was coming back to Ohio to see the old 'hood, visit with my grandma, and—more importantly—give a talk at my elementary school about what it was like to be a real, live author!

By the time she arrived, I had read all of her books. But she ended up giving my sister and me a copy of her latest work in progress, which was amazing for two reasons:
1) It was semi-autobiographical and contained a character based on my grandma (her name was even on the dedication page!), which was possibly the coolest thing ever, AND...
2) It was a MANUSCRIPT, making it pretty much my nine-year-old wet dream (although at this point I hadn't yet read Then Again, Maybe I Won't, so I didn't know that wet dreams even existed).

At any rate, the manuscript was seriously inspiring stuff. It was called Max, Braunschweiger, and Me, and basically it was about three friends, a voodoo doll, cooking potatoes in mud, and pretending not to be rich when actually you are. Oh, and something about a war and Nazis. I was like, "Heck! I can do this!" Here's what I came up with:

That's What Friends Are For

To My Friends - Katie and Jessica

If Marilyn Gould taught me anything, it was that you need a dedication page. And if Katie and Jessica were anything like my grandma, having a book dedicated to them might make them cry.

Chapter 1: Liz Craw—Me

My name is Liz Craw. First, I will describe myself. I have long blond hair and blue eyes. I have rosy cheeks and a pink little mouth. My nose is small and my eyelashes long. I am short and thin. I wear clothes that are in style. I have long finger nails. I am the coolest girl in the 3rd grade at Treeline Elementary. At least everyone says so. I'm smart and cute.

I know she's only nine, but I'd like to serve Liz a large slice of humble pie. And in case you're having a problem envisioning her pink little mouth:


Wow, Liz looks kind of like a nine-year-old Tammy Faye. And as you can see, I thought that cropped, uh, vests(?) and matching capris were cool! Completely cool!

I have a younger sister and an older brother. My sister is 5. My brother is 11.

...And that's the last we'll hear about those two.

I am 9. Now I will begin my story.

Phew! Now that we've gotten all of the really important details (like fingernail length) out of the way, we can get down to business!

Chapter 2: T.M.—Tiffany Markerton

PLAGIARISM ALERT! This next bit is completely lifted from Max, Braunschweiger, and Me (which was eventually published under the inferior, singsongy title Friends True and Periwinkle Blue). In Marilyn's book, during recess on the first day of school, the narrator meets a girl with two long red braids who demonstrates her prowess on the uneven bars by doing an impressive array of loop-de-loops. Afterward, the two become friends. Knowing that, see if you don't have a feeling of déjà vu while reading Chapter 2...

On the first day of school at lunch recess in the corner of the playground I saw kids yelling. They said, "Go T.M. Go T.M. Go, go, go, T.M.!" I skipped over there, and, in the middle of the crowd was a girl with long red ponytails doing what she called a "double flipped headstand marcher."

Just so you know, I have no idea what that would look like either. I'm hoping it involves a majorette hat.

When she was done, the children left. I was alone with her. I spoke up. "What's your name?" I asked sweetly.

Add that to the list! Liz: COOL, cute, smart, sweet... did I mention COOL?

She looked at me. "Tiffany Markerton." She answered in one breath, which meant she wasn't out of breath from her performance.
"Huh?"
"Tiffany Markerton."
"Oh, yes, the great T.M." [Holy bitchface, Liz!]
"Yes, who're you?" she questioned.
"Liz Craw." I answered coolly.

Oh, Liz! As if you could answer any other way! You're so cool! COMPLETELY COOL!

"The coolest girl in the 3rd grade?"
"Yep."
"Wow." She was impressed. "Neato." She acted strangely.

Um, if Liz is the coolest girl in the third grade, wouldn't the other kids, like, know what she looks like?

I could get a good look at her now. She had long red, red ponytails. She had big green eyes. Like a cat. She had thick lashes.

Apparently I believed eyelashes to be an integral part of one's appearance.

Her cheeks and lips were a bright red and she had ribbons in her hair. Her clothing was out of style. She had an orange shirt, short overalls, and green new-shoes.

Oh my God, an orange shirt??? Liz is just a saint to make friends with her. Oh, and "new-shoes"? Yeah, that's a term I coined when my sister and I used to play department store. I would make little catalogs filled with drawings of the many fashionable items my sister could purchase, e.g., furry hooded jacket, "Jungle Girl" dress, new-shoes. In actuality new-shoes were flats; I just didn't know what they were called.

She had short fingernails and I liked her right away.

Is there some sort of correlation between those two things? Anyway... oh, what's that? You can't quite wrap your mind around those short overalls and new-shoes? Fine:


Something weird seems to be going on with her nose, but I'm glad to see her eyes aren't all smooshed together (ahem, Liz). And I couldn't fit it in the scan, but in the original drawing, next to her name it says "out of it," because that's how fucking uncool Liz thinks she is.

Chapter 3: The Dark Family

What I'd heard about the Dark family was bad.
I heard these:
#1. You must wear nothing but black and gray.
#2. No friends.
#3. Do things quietly.
#4. Mind your elders.
#5. Act proper.
#6. Defend your beliefs (our belief).
#7. Know everything. [Seems slightly unrealistic. Just sayin'.]
#8. Own only things that are dark in color.
#9. No parties.
#10. Live in a black house.

Whoa! The Dark Family (whoever they are) are either modern-day Puritans or just really, really, really goth. Like, A BLACK HOUSE? When the frick have you ever seen a black house?

That's all 10. Some kids say the house is a witch's house. A girl named Allyson is in that family and my class. She seems to follow those rules.

Once, when I walked down Stray Ave. [awesome], I saw a car stop. (A black car.) A line of children came out. They lined up in size order.

I had watched The Sound of Music too many times and thought all strict parents with lots of kids would operate à la Captain von Trapp.

They were all wearing black. A pretty woman in black counted them. A man in black [Johnny Cash???] said, "Hurry back in. All of them are here." They followed that order promptly. Then they were gone. That was 'The Dark Family'. It gave me the creeps.

Chapter 4: Allyson Prie

I thought Allyson was Pretty. So did T.M. Let me tell you about Allyson. She had long brown hair and thick bangs.

Of COURSE she had brown hair. Popular media had already ingrained in me the Hair Color Holy Trinity—we already have a blond and a redhead, so clearly the next character must be a brunette! It's only logical.

She had bright brown eyes. She had red lips and pink cheeks. She had black nail polish. She always wore a black pearl necklace. You know about her clothes. Also, she has black new-shoes with straps. (Cool! Mine don't have straps!)

Hmmm... she seems overly accessorized for a Puritan:


And yet that dress has "Pilgrim" written all over it. Either that or "Wednesday Addams."

I had a plan.
Later walking home. "Yo, T.M.!"
She jumped. "Huh?"
"It's me—Lizzy Craw. Remember?"
"Right, yeah. Whew." [???]
"We got work, Tiff." T.M. followed me. "Ya know Allyson Prie—top secret."
She cackled. "Dark, dark, dark." she chanted.
I rolled my eyes. "Quit it." I mumbled. [Oh shut it, Liz! You're nine! It's, like, your job to be annoying.]
"So what're we gonna do?"
"Stuff."
"Huh?"
"Stuff—tomorrow."
"Gotcha!" [Uh, wha? How did "tomorrow" clarify anything?]
"'Bye!"
"'Bye!"

I'm not entirely sure what just transpired.

Chapter 5: Plans

My plan (on a piece of paper): To Fix Up Allyson Prie by Liz Craw. Helper – Tiffany Markerton.

Yes!!! Just what this book was needing: a makeover! (You know, so far, this plot is a lot like an Olsen twins movie.)

Allyson needs a nickname: Ally
New clothes in colors: Pink, purple, blue, yellow, and red (A little black) Also, white (of course)
New clothes like: Pants and shorts and overalls and short tops and long sweaters.
Wear hair up: Braids. Ponytail(s). Pigtail(s). Bun(s). (Or any other thing)
Odds and ends: Jewelery. Long nails. Nail polish. Toys. High Heel Shoes? (or not) Friends. Talk louder. Thank You!
That was it. Not too good. It was good enough.

Let's review. First of all, orange and green? Way uncool. (I hope you're taking notes, T.M.) Second, hold the phone! Overalls are cool? As long as they're not short overalls? You guys, being cool is so complicated. I'm just going to toss my hair in a bun, put on a long purple sweater, and call it a day. Maybe I'll even slip on some high-heeled shoes. Or not. Since I'm nine. Also, I like how Liz considers friends to be in the "odds and ends" category. This speaks VOLUMES.

I just thought of something. At my age I was out on dates. [!!!] I had a date after school at the mall [where else?] with Henry McCaw. I didn't like him that much. I turned down another date for him. Well, I had to break it.

She doesn't even like him, but she turned down another date for him? What's up with that? Wait, why am I trying to make sense of this? They are NINE YEARS OLD.

At recess I walked over to Henry.
"Henry." I said.
He looked at me. "Yes, Liz?"
"I have to break our date."
"What?!" he almost yelled.
"Shhh!"
"Huh?"
"I have to do something with my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?!" Yick! "Well, if a girlfriend is more important than me then...." [He's already passive-aggressive at age nine. Run, Liz! Run!] What, what? "You have a girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"You're gay!"
Oh, no! "I'm not gay. You, you..."
"Ha! Ha! HA! Liz is gay!!!!"
I turned red!

WOW. Now watch me awkwardly attempt to defend my nine-year-old homophobia: You guys, I was raised in a liberal (albeit Midwestern) city by open-minded parents, but I obviously believed that being labeled "gay" would be the biggest social catastrophe that could befall you in the third grade. That is how afraid kids are of being perceived as "different." Did I really have a problem with gay people? I don't think so. I mean, I remember thinking it was "gross"—but I also thought that French kissing was "gross," and I definitely ended up changing my tune about that. Actually, one of my best friends in second grade was very likely transgendered. And I say this not because she liked to wear a tie rather than a skirt when she had to get dressed up (although that's also true), but because one day on the playground she said to me, "If I ever get a sex change, my name is going to be David. And we will not fall in love." I was like, "Cool. Let's go play on the monkey bars."

NEXT TIME: Liz gets her revenge on Henry, and it involves the n-word: nerd!