I Want Candy

Last time you read my entry into the fifth grade Advanced Reading Class's playwriting competition. This time? You get to read one of the winners! Because not only did I save my own abominably written plays, I also saved my classmate's. I'm a minimalist's worst nightmare.

Melisa's Problem was penned by one of my fellow advanced readers—who will remain anonymous here, as I haven't seen her since 1992 and don't exactly have her permission to publish this (shhh!). The following Very Special Blog Entry is what happens when you combine the viewing of one too many after-school specials with a fifth grader's knowledge about what it's like to take drugs. In other words, UNADULTERATED AWESOME.

Melisa's Problem

Narrator- Setting is in Melisa's room doing homework

Oh, the fifth grader's narrator. Known in some circles as "Captain Obvious."

Melony- Now what's the history of-

Melisa- Wait, I'm really hungry, would you like a snack, maybe candy?

Melony- Well, I guess you could say we're hungry. We've been studying for hours. Why, I'd love some candy.

I guess you could say it's candy. Well, except for the part where it's DRUGS.

Melisa- Good, because this candy is especially for us.

Melony- What?

Melisa- Never mind.

Yeah, it's caaandy, Melony. Totally candy. Definitely not drugs. Candy candy candy. JUST EAT IT ALREADY.

Mmm... druglicious.

Narrator- Melony is not looking at the candy she's eating and puts it in her mouth while asking Melisa a question.

Melony- Umm. This candy is good. Can I have some more?

You can tell that drugs are powerful because you become addicted the instant they touch your tongue. Taste buds LOVE THE DRUGS.

Melisa- Why sure. There's plenty from where it came from.

Whoo boy, Melisa has got candy drugs galore! She's the Willy Wonka of pharmaceuticals. Or the Willy Wonka of candy. (But wait, wouldn't that make her, like, the regular Willy Wonka? Man, this play is complex!)

"Dude. This candy will give you pure imagination. Seriously!"

Melony- What's the history of Abraham Lincoln's life?

Melisa- (chewing candy) Well, he was the 16th president of the United States from 1861 through 1865.

Melony- Let's stop for now. I think you know lots of it.

Yes, excellent summary of Abe's life. You girls are gonna to ace that test! All thanks to drugs!

Melisa- Here's your drugs candy you asked for.

Melony- Thanks. What kind of candy is this anyway?

The kind of candy that gets you so excited, so excited, and so... SCARED.

Melisa- Ur, um...let's get back to the homework, I think we need to study more.

Melony- Just tell me what kind it is because I'd like some of my own.

Melisa- They're, ...Boppers.

Melony- I've never tasted this kind of candy before. What flavor is it?

Melisa- It's...lemon-lime!

Melony- What?

Yeah. Drugs pretty much taste like Sprite. I can't believe you guys didn't know that.

Melisa- It's out at very few stores now. I recently got mine.

Melony- Well, where did you get yours?

The drugstore? Ba dum bum!

Melisa- I got mine at, at, um, I don't remember.

Melony-(still eating bits of candy)- That's okay. Let's get back to our homework.

(Narrator- The next day, Melony wanted the candy she couldn't resist. So she went over to Melisa's house to see if she had more.)

By this time tomorrow Melony is going to be hanging out with Bubbles, stealing copper plumbing off the back of a truck.

Mother- Oh, hi Melony. Come in. Melisa will be down shortly.

Melisa- Hi Melony.

Melony- Hi Melisa, I need to talk to you upstairs.

Melony: Just hand over the Boppers, Melisa, and no one gets hurt.

Melisa- Come on up.

(Narrator- Melony and Melissa walk upstairs to the bedroom and all of a sudden, Melony faints. Melisa is in shock, wondering what to do.)

Holy what! Actually, this is kind of like what happened on Dawson's Creek when Andie took Ecstasy at that, ahem, "rave." Perhaps we are to assume the Candecstasy is interacting with Melony's antidepressants?

Melisa- Mom! Come quick! Melony fainted.

Mother(while running up the stairs)- What??

Melisa- Melony just fainted like that!

Mother- Oh my! (breathing heavily) I'll call a doctor, an ambulance.

Melisa(crying)- Oh what have I done, Melony please say something, please!

END OF PART 1

PART 2

(Narrator- After the terrible news is told to her parents, Melony is sent to the emergency room, in shock.)

Yeah, first they tracked down her parents and THEN they sent her to the ER.

Melisa- Doctor? How is...

Male nurse dressed in white- Sorry, but I'm not your doctor.

Yeah, my anonymous classmate (let's just call her Melisony) totally threw in a little dig about making occupational presumptions based on gender. Feminist in the making!

Doctor- Can I see the parents of Melony Sparkle?

Best last name ever.

(Parents pace about in worry)- Yes doctor, what is it?

I portrayed the doctor in our production. I wore some extremely oversized scrubs and got to deliver technical lines such as the following:

Doctor- There has been a finding that you should be concerned about. We tested your daughter's blood and found drugs in her system.

Parent's(at the same time)- WHAT!

Parents: What kind of drugs?
Doctor: Lemon-lime flavored. I'm so sorry.

Melony's mother- How could this be?

Melony's father- Our daughter is not like this.

Doctor- Well---

Doctor: Hate to break it to you, but according to the toxicology report, she is totally like this.

Melisa- Wait! I'm the cause of this! I've been giving her the drugs, and lying to her about it.

Melisa's mother- No! No! Not you, this just can't be. I don't believe you! I'm very angry! How could you do this (ending in a cry)

(Narrator- everyone turns to Melissa in surprise, worry, and anger)

Oh, you guys, the emotions are running high! (Get it? HIGH??)

Melony's mother(crying)- How could you do this to your best friend, and my daughter!?

Melisa(crying)- Well, this is hard to say but, I wanted someone with me to take the drugs so I wouldn't be frightened, or threatened. I chose my best friend. I wanted her and I to be cool.

Getting high and reading about Abe Lincoln? Super cool! Like, the coolest. Please. You were totally on the track to popularity, Melisa!

Melisa's mother- Taking drugs is a terrible thing to do to your life, and it's NOT cool. Who's been selling them to you?

YOU, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!

Melisa- This kid at school who gave me some candy. I asked him for more, but then he told me to give him my lunch money for more.

First your lunch money—then, next thing you know, you're selling your 10-year-old body on a street corner in exchange for some sweet, sweet Boppers.

Doctor- Mrs. Sparkle, Mr. Sparkle, and Ms. Kendall, your daughters need treatment right away and um, serious help for Melisa.

That was my best line, in which I implied that Melisa needed a large dose brain meds.

Melisa's mother- When Melony gets better, I want you to invite your friends over for dinner and we can have an intervention talk.

Melisa- All right, mom. I'm really sorry(crying and hugging her mother)

Doctor- Taking drugs at your age can get you more addicted to them, taking away your life earlier. Melissa, I think you should um, I think you should take your mother's advice, that's if you don't want to die at a young age.

But if you DO want to die at a young age? Then bring on the Boppers! Eat up, Melisa!

Sidenote: Why does my character say "um" all the time? Way to make me sound like an idiot, Melisony. I'm a professional, dammit! I have to tell people their kids are hooked on candy drugs EVERY DAY!

Melisa's mother- I'll do the best I can to make sure she doesn't!

Nurse- You can see Melony now. She's doing fine.

Everybody walks in the room not saying a word.

Melony(speaking above a whisper)- Mom, why am I here? (Getting excited [so excited?] and louder) What's going on here, I want to go home (in a panic)!

Melony's mother- Don't get so excited [I knew it!!!], calm down, you're fine, (rubbing her daugher's head)

And that might be where it ends. Or I may have lost the final page of the manuscript. Does it really matter? Melisa confessed her nefarious get-cool-quick scheme and everyone agreed that she needed, um, serious help unless she wants to end up like River Phoenix. Minus the fame/acting career.

Now you could look at this play as a satirical commentary on how high-fructose corn syrup is actually a drug that we voluntarily let our kids get hooked on, except... no you can't. It's pretty much just about candy crack.

Disturbingly, the drugs-masquerading-as-candy scenario might not even be that far-fetched, as some meth manufacturers have apparently cooked up something that resembles fruit-flavored Pop Rocks.

Real-ass candy drugs. They do look kind of yummy.

Hmm, I wonder what my old classmate is up to these days...

NEXT TIME: A story about pen pals whose favorite foods are chocolate cigars and Korean chicken balls. Really.

That's Me!

In fifth grade, we had a class assignment to write our autobiography. This should have been a piece of cake for me. I mean, I wrote at home all the time... FOR FUN. But? Those were stories about punk rock Valley girls! Runaway cult members! Girls who dressed up like hookers for Halloween and wired the insides of trees in their spare time! In other words, people with much more interesting lives than mine. What did I have to offer the world? Let's see...

In my first attempt, I took a straightforward approach:

I was born on June 24, 1977. It was dinnertime. I was named Sada Rose. Sada after Sada Thompson an actress on the T.V. show, FAMILY. Rose after my grandmother's maiden name. I was Halle and Charles's first child, their first little girl. I was born at home in Buffalo, New York.

Blah blah freakin' blah. Where was the DRAMA? The biker gangs? The secret passages? The Wheel of Fortune wins? I quickly jotted down the most important points to cover in my 11 years of existence:

Born
Genie born
Will born
Pets
Friends
Houses
Family
School
Fights
Vacations
Getting Hurt Badly
Interesting things

Could this work? Could I pull it off and transform myself into a fascinating protagonist?

Well, apparently not. Instead I decided to go in the complete opposite direction, by insisting to the reader that I was BORING AS ALL GET-OUT. Here's how I began Draft #2:

I HAVE A BORING LIFE

I HAVE A BORING LIFE
I HAVE A

My mother says I don't have a boring life. My grandmother says I don't have a boring life. My father says I don't have a boring life.

I HAVE A BORING LIFE.

As you can see, I was keeping expectations low. EXTREMELY LOW.

I was born, naturally, but that's boring. EVERYONE was born. I was born at home.

When I was a baby, I went to King's Island. I met ______________. But I don't remember. That's boring to me.

You know who the blank is? MUHAMMAD ALI! Totally not boring! When I was six months old, my mom and I happened upon him while flying out of NYC, and he not only held me, he even kissed me! And I cried. And my mom didn't take a single photo, a fact over which she should still be kicking herself. That could have MADE this autobiography.

When I was a baby, I went to the Virgin Islands. WOW. WHERE ARE THE VIRGIN ISLANDS?

Not only was I boring, I also lacked basic geography skills. Or looking-at-a-map skills. Or asking-my-parents skills.

But, man, I was onto something with this "boring" theme! It was time to set to work on the final draft. Here's what I turned in to my teacher (photos and all).

THAT'S ME!

This book is dedicated to:
my parents
because without their help I never
would have had this life

Bow chicka wow wow! On the other hand, that could be translated as "Without you two I never would have had such a BORING life!"

Since I think I have a boring life, the most exciting way to write this story would be to tell you everyone's suggestions...and things I remember.

SPOILER: That might, in fact, be the LEAST exciting way to write this story.


You guys, I loved this pile of dirt. LOVED IT. In fact, check out this other photo (not part of the book, but included here for your viewing enjoyment), where I'm all, "Holy God! This is the best pile of dirt EVER!":

DIRT RULES!

"I have a boring life." I exclaimed. I had just walked into my little brother's room. It was the week-end and the morning.

I was right! This is boring already!

My mom tried to be helpful. "When you were little you used to lay down and suck your fingers to go to sleep." she said.

And then there's a photo of... me sitting on a stoop with some disembodied legs?

The caption for this one reads "Me (notice the slippers)." I have no idea why. Of much greater interest is my MAINE POTATOES shirt, because my family calls me Sada Potato. For those of you who don't know me, that rhymes.

"What about me?" asked my little brother, Will. He won't be left out of a conversation.

"Well," said mom. "You used to call Josh:Dosh, Sada:Ada, and Genie:Nenie."

Will laughed into his pillow.

"And Genie used to call American Cheese: AMERICACHINO." added mom.

More hysterical laughter from Will.

I rolled my eyes.


My sister had a Groucho Marx mask that she bafflingly referred to as her "Philip Face." Here I model the mind-blowing Philip Face and peach leotard combo. Hipsters, you might want to be writing this down.

"I have a boring life." I said to my grandma.

"A BORING LIFE." cried Grandma. "I think you have one of the most exciting lives of any 11-year-old."

She went on to make suggestions:

Me wearing my Santa pajamas.

"You traveled to the Virgin Islands when you were a baby. How many people do you think have done that?" questioned Grandma.

"I don't remember." I said.

"You've seen your brother and sister being born." continued Grandma.

"I don't remember Genie." I told her. (Genie is my little sister, of course.)

My siblings and I were all born at home (a detail that I clearly had to leave out, lest I make this autobiography slightly interesting), and I was present at their births. But whatever. The miracle of life? BORING.

Me and dad on the boat, cruising the Carribean

I neglected to mention that we stayed on a houseboat in the Virgin Islands. I know, right? Being on a boat? TOTALLY BORING.

I remember stories my mom told me like the time I was in my crib.

I was supposed to be taking a nap. I saw our neighbor and I started to wave and call, "JULIE. JULIE." Then, I fell out of my crib and out of the window.

YES! Finally we get to some good stuff, i.e., Getting Hurt Badly by Falling Out of a Window! Well, except for this:

OOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSS.....

My mom just came in and told me I fell out of the crib (I'd been leaning out of the window) and smacked my head really badly on the hardwood floor.

That was the end of the crib.

...And the end of this story, which was way better when I thought I fell out of the window. Falling on the floor? BORING!

Me doing "exercises"

Please note the Super '70s playpen and the sock monkeys strewn willy-nilly.

When I was little my feet used to point in so, I wore a brace (on my feet) that kept them out. My mom's friend, Maura says I used to walk around with it on my feet.

Me and the brace (I used to make that face all the time)

Yes, everyone, I was dropped on the head AND I was pigeon-toed. You want to make fun? Just try it! I know Muhammad Ali!

Well, back to Will's room.

I was asking my mom about when I was in the hospital.

"Well," she began. "You were yellow."

"Yellow?" I repeated.

"Yellow." she said.

The first photo in the infamous "Eating Sand" series...

"And," she continued. "We took you to the hospital. Your blood was different than mine. So, they poked and prodded you and gave you blood transfusions and all that." She went on and on and on and on and on..........

In other words: BORING! I mean, my body was just REJECTING MY BLOOD. No big whoop.

I could tell funny, interesting, exciting stories about my brother or sister.

BUT NOT ME.

So that's my boring life.

What do you think?

My teacher's comments?

Excellent! You did a wonderful job on this aubobiography Sada!

I am not kidding. It definitely says "aubobiography." Which probably explains a lot.

NEXT TIME: Fifth graders cannot keep their stinkin' traps shut in THE BIG SECRET.

My Diary, part two

LAST TIME: Jenny-or-Jen was so, so excited about her new diary ("Ashley") because she wanted to be just like Anne Frank! Minus that whole Holocaust thing. Jenny-or-Jen's parents were about to finalize their divorce, but our heroine was much more upset about having to walk her "pesty" little sister home from school because OHMYGOD someone might SEE! Maybe even Todd Swartz and his cool haircut! The horror!!! Meanwhile, Jenny-or-Jen got in a fight with her friend Gretchen over her ice-rink bullying of their shy, chubby friend Abby. (I don't know why I bothered listing both adjectives, as so far the chubby girls in my stories are always shy.) Oh, and Jenny-or-Jen's besty, Sarah, got stuck in a blizzard while on vacation. I swear she did! OH THE DRAMA.

1/7/89

Dear Ashley,

Today we did nothing but clean, clean, clean! Sarah got back today and she has pnemonia! She couldn't talk on the phone. I guess her aunt feels so, so bad. I swear Sarah is so, so sick. Pnemonia is something people die of. I hope Sarah doesn't die. I know she won't though.

My knowledge of pneumonia? Pretty much nonexistent. If you couldn't tell.

Mom says she saw Gretchen walking her dog today and how is she. I said, 'BAD I hope'. Mom said what a mean thing to say about a friend. I said 'What friend?' Abby is doing OK. She called me to say she lost 1 pound already. I said great. I wonder how much she weighs. I didn't ask her. I swear that is rude. She must weigh so, so much. I only weigh 85 lb. I swear it's not that much.

I have no idea what a fifth grader should weigh—so naturally I Googled it! According to some website the average weight for an 11-year-old girl is 79.2 lbs. Although that seems pretty suspicious, I'm going to go with it just so I can say HAHA, Jen, you're 5.8 lbs overweight! SUCK IT!

1/8/89

Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not going back to school tomorrow. She is so, so lucky. I swear she is!

Lucky that she's on her veritable deathbed! Wasting away with pneumonia is totally better than school! I swear!

Abby came over. We prank called Gretchen. It was so, so funny. I guess she knew who it was 'cause she prank called back. I swear she's so, so stupid! I'm not looking forward to walking so, so pesty Lucy home tomorrow. I swear something bad will happen. I'll be so, so embarassed if anyone sees me! I went ice-skating again. Abby couldn't go because her brother had a doctor's appointment and her mom couldn't pick her up later. I think she was afraid of Gretchen. Brave old me went even though I hate skating alone. Gretchen was there, but I was lucky! She fell and hurt her ankle and couldn't skate.

Lucky break! Er, sprain?

Does anyone else reminisce about the good old days when you could make prank calls in virtual anonymity? We spent one New Year's Eve making the most hilaaaarious prank calls ever... until we got some old man on the phone who thought our friend was his son and was so excited that he'd called. I know. Way to kill our buzz, sad old man.

1/9/89

Dear Ashley,

I hate school. I hate Gretchen so, so much. I swear I hate her more than anything else. Even brocolli, brussel sprouts, and asparagus.

I maintained a unhealthy hatred for vegetables until adulthood. I'm so, so reformed now, I swear.

She saw me walking home and pointed me out to the most popular 5th grade boys. They were cracking up. I will be so, so unpopular at school tomorrow. I swear I will get even with Gretchen.

RESOLUTIONS:
11. Get even with Gretchen.
12. Get a gerbil.
13. Get to know Abby better.

I have never had a pet. I want a gerbil named Tails. I haven't told mom yet. She won't understand. I know she never had pets as a child. Dad did. He would understand. He is so, so nice. I swear to call him later. I miss dad so, so much.

1/10/88

Dear Ashley,

I WAS LUCKY TODAY! Remember when Gretchen sprained her ankle skating? Well, she broke it!!! She fell down the stairs. How stupid!

Okay, THIS one was a lucky break! (Yessss, I knew I could work that pun in somewhere!) And did I say Gretchen got bitchier in this installment? What I meant was that JEN got bitchier.

So no one said anything to me. They will after the affect wears off. I swear they will. I will be so, so unpopular. Today Mrs. Gremston, my reading teacher, gave us pen-pals from the 5th grade at Fairfax.

That's the name of MY elementary school, so I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Does Jenny-or-Jen attend another elementary school in Cleveland Heights, or was I really that hard-pressed to come up with a school name? Here's a tip, fifth-grade me: Just pick a president. Any president. You'll be golden.

I have this girl, Kristina Martin. I don't know anything about her. I will when she writes back.

The role of Kristina Martin will be played by my sister.

RESOLUTIONS:
14. Meet my pen-pal and write so, so interesting letters.

I swear I love to write. Today was a lucky day. Lucy walked ahead of me with a friend. I was so, so happy. I swear I'm gonna fall asleep. Right now.....

1/11/88

Dear Ashley,

TODAY IS ONLY WEDNESDAY. I wish it was Friday. I wish my pen-pal would write back real soon. I wish, I wish, I wish. I am trying to stop saying I

RESOLUTIONS:
15. Stop saying 'I swear' and 'so, so' so much.

Hold your applause! We don't know if she'll actually stick to it.

Abby was getting annoyed with me. I didn't mean to annoy her, but I did. She lost 3 pounds. Today was boring. I wish Sarah was here. She is still real sick. She will be back in school next week, for sure. I'll bet her aunt feels so, so really bad. I would. Sarah can't draw. I wouldn't be able to write and I would kill my aunt. I'm so, so bored.

Love,
Jenny or Jen

What's up with aunt bashing? Why don't you just prank call her and get it over with, Jenny (or Jen)?

1/14/88

Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow we are going to New York. My grandpa had a heart attack and mom went to help him. He lives in Brockport, New York.

Apparently the ailing-grandfather-in-New-York plotline wasn't boring enough the first time around, so I had to regurgitate it here.

We missed school on Friday. Dad picked us up on Thursday and took us to his house. We couldn't change our clothes because dad doesn't have a key to our house. He woke up too late to take us to school.

Things we know about Jen's dad:
1) He lives at McDonald's.
2) He can't wake up on time to take his children to school.

Sounds like quite the catch!

We are coming back on Monday. Not this Monday, next Monday. We will miss so, so much school. And I won't have to walk with Pesty Lucy. I'm so, so happy! I hope Gretchen falls down the stairs and I hope after she falls, her crutch goes up her nose, and she breaks her nose, too. I swear I hope it happens. I hate her so, so much.

I'm having a hard time imagining the logistics of this crutch-up-the-nose scenario. So she falls down the stairs WITH her crutches and then lands in such a way that the crutch breaks her nose? Call me a cynic, but that seems awfully far-fetched.

I hope Sarah gets better really soon. Sometimes I think she'll never be better. [Please note that she has been sick for precisely one week.] I really love Sarah, even though that sounds sick. [Love = totally embarrassing.] She is my best friend.

♥
-Jen

1/16/89

It's Mo-onday
It's Mo-onday
Hey, Jenny, Jenny,
and a Ha Cha Cha

This is based on some song my dad used to sing and therefore not as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe?

Dear Ashley,

I'm so, so glad I'm not in school. I'd be in Science. BLECH! I hate Science, but I hate Miss Litzco even more. A D. She gave me a D. What did I ever do to her?!?!?!? Nothin'. I did pretty good in Science. I deserved a B at least. But no, she gives me a D. And what for?!?!?!? Nothin'. Brockport is OK. We won't be here for too long anyways. Lucinda met this kid named Julie who is in half-day kindergarten, so she had a friend and Tony met Mike and Ben. I don't know anybody. I hardly even know Grandpa. I've met him twice before. Gramma is dead. My aunt Susan is always hanging around with my cousins, Ellen (10) and Beth (7). Lucy is friends with Beth, too. SNOBS!

Um, so guess who her cousin Ellen is? Ellen Irving, who went all don't-you-talk-about-my-momma on the first day of school. That's right. You thought this wasn't a Friendship book, but I TOTALLY FOOLED YOU! Especially since I called Friendship "Brockport."

1/18/89
Wednesday.

Dear Ashley,

Today Aunt Sue came over with the Snob Force, Ellen and Beth. Lucy and Beth and Julie ran off, giggling. Aunt Sue tried to get me to play with Ellen. BLECH! I will never play with part of the Snob Force. So, may the Force be with you, Ellen. The Snob Force, that is!

Nothing like an awkward Star Wars reference.

Tony has a girlfriend. Her name is Janie. She is so, so skinny. I think she's anorexic. I heard Ellen mutter "Toothpick Jane" under her breath. She should be talking, the skin and bones. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either.

I'm thinking Jen is about two years away from an eating disorder.

I saw Tony and Janie making out. It was gross! They were just like teens in movies. I think that's where they learned it. Anyways, he just met her on Monday. How sick! Tony usually likes girls for their looks and their body. It isn't Janie's body. She's so flat she makes the walls jealous!

No one is spared from the wrath of Jenny-or-Jen. Especially not Toothpick Jane, slutty anorexic and Itty Bitty Titty Committee president.

♥
-Jen

1/20/89

T.G.I.F.
Thank Goodness It's Friday

Aunt Sue was over again. She talked mom into making me play with Ellen! She kept following me around. When I finally thought I'd lost her, I went and spyed on Tony and Janie. They were making out in the basement and I was spying at them through the hole in the floor that Lucy found.

Okay, dirty perv. Can't you just watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High on TBS or something?

I didn't know Ellen was behind me. I stepped back and she looked in. She looked back at me and widened her eyes. I was blushing. I was so embarassed. I hoped she wouldn't tell Aunt Sue. Then Ellen put her face right up to the hole and- ....made kissing noises! I couldn't believe it!!! Part of the Snob Force? It couldn't be! Maybe Ellen wasn't so bad. Well, Tony and Janie ran upstairs. They had turned red. Tony blamed it all on me! But Ellen stood up and said it had been her. Ellen isn't in the Snob Force!

♥
-J

Oh NO, Jen has found a partner in obnoxious crime.

1/21/89
SATURDAY ♥

Hi! I'm Ellen. I can't believe you called me and Beth the Snob Force! I'm glad everything is okay between us, now. Anyways, Beth is a Snob. How about we say that Lucy, Beth, & Julie are the Snob Force. Tony and Janie can be the Make Out Team. Okay? Well, thanx for trusting me with your diary. It's really neat. I'm going to buy one. I'm going to miss you so, so (HA!) much. I swear (HA!) I will. Anyways, I'll be 11 on March 8. So you will always know when to send me a birthday present. Don't worry, I'll send u one, too! Well, I'm running out of room so, BYE!

ELLEN

I totally want to be on the Make Out Team. Or start a band called the Make Out Team. Or both.

1/21/89
Saturday.

Dear Ashley,

Well, I let Ellen see you. As you can see, she thinks you are so, so cool. Just like me! Ellen is my second best friend. Sarah is first and Abby is third.

Poor Abby. The fat girl's position was usurped in under 48 hours.

So far I haven't been able to show you to Sarah. You know, how she's been sick and all. I still haven't seen Twins yet. Ellen did and she said it was OK, but it wasn't really that good. I miss Sarah so, so much. We are going home tomorrow so, then I'll miss Ellen. Life isn't fair. I wonder what will happen with Tony and Janie. They went to Janie's and I know what they were doing, too.

Go Team Make Out!

How sick!!! Well, 'bye!

Love,
Jenny or Jen

1/22/89
Super Sunday

We are driving home. Tony is up front with mom. I have to sit next to so, so Pesty Lucy. But Thank God Almighty she is fast asleep. I swear, she snores like a motorcycle!

My grandfather snores like a motorcycle (literally—once we heard him snoring from UPSTAIRS and thought there was a chopper outside), but I don't see how a seven-year-old girl could have developed this malady.

Well, tomorrow I have school. BLECH!!! I hope Sarah is back, I hope Abby is skinny, I hope Gretchen is dead [WOW], and I hope Ellen moves down here. I'm getting my hopes up too high. Well, I'm going to go ice-skating soon before I forget how. OH NO! I just remembered that I have to walk home with Pesty Lucy, who's waking up!!! 'BYE! Now it's about 10:30. If I don't stop writing and go to sleep, I'll never get up tomorrow. I went to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Abby. It was good! Sarah's mom said I can come over after school tomorrow because Sarah is getting better! I can't wait!!!

♥
-Jen

1/23/89

Hi Ashley!

I'm Sarah. We are getting me a tutor if I get sicker. I'm supposed to come back on Wednesday (To School). Well, I'm glad Jenny likes you since I bought you for her. I think Ellen is nice and Jenny shouldn't of judged her like that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jenny, the numbskull. Well, I'm letting Jenny take over.

'Bye L♥ve,
Sarah

P.S. Sorry about Todd.
P.S.S. I hate Gretchen, too!

And because Sarah is such an artiste, we have this:


Yes, that's the wife of Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Don't believe me?


Because spouses look alike? And have variations on the same name??

1/23/89
Maniac Monday

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Jennnyyy!
Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Ashley,

Today was mainly a good day, but there was one bad thing. Well, I had forgotten it was my birthday until about 11:00 last night. I thought everybody else had too. But when I woke up I was so, so surprised. They were all in my room with presents. Mom had bought me a paint-splatter sweat shirt [Radical!] and... a typewriter with fancy typing paper! Tony bought me a pack of colored pencils and a kitten poster.


Lucy bought me a shell necklace and gave me a picture she made in school. Sometimes she isn't Pesty Lucy, Snob Force member. The bad thing was at school. It had to do with Todd and Gretchen. Yes, on Tuesday Todd asked Gretchen to go with him. I'm heartbroken. As soon as I got to Sarah's I burst out crying, but Sarah was her usual nice self. She comforted me and calmed me down. I guess that's why he was so nice to us. Well, I wonder if they make out like Tony and Janie!

Dear GOD, let's hope not.

You can tell their in love because they make goo-goo eyes at each other during class and he carries her books everywhere for her and they sit together at lunch.

As you can see, my male characters are getting SO much more realistic.

I think Gretchen just wants to make me jealous. But I know Todd likes her and not me, but why did I have to found out on my birthday, of all days? But Abby was nice too. She remembered my birthday and bought me some earrings. They are really pretty, shells to match my necklace. And then there was Sarah's gift. It was a Best Friends necklace, where there's one best and one friends. I got friends. The heart is broken and really fits together.


♥
-J

1/25/89
Wonderful Wednesday

Dear Ashley,

Sarah came back to school today. The teacher, Mrs. Enite, let us put our desks together so I can help Sarah. Like she needs help! She's so independent now. She does everything for herself! Talk about a drastic change.

Apparently pneumonia is really empowering. Either that or getting stranded in a restaurant during a blizzard. One of the two, definitely.

And Abby is in a really good mood because she lost 7 pounds and she didn't even mind eating her rabbit food.

1) I'm definitely ripping off someone with "rabbit food," I just don't know who. (Anyone?)
2) Abby lost 7 lbs in under a month?! I don't know how much she weighs (I'm not rude either, I swear I'm not!), but that sounds mighty unhealthy.

Sarah isn't going to get sick again, she's really healthy.

Ummm, okay...?

I've got to do something about Gretchen. She and Todd were feeding each other at lunch! It was so sick!

Didn't all the fifth grade couples you knew feed each other? I mean for the, like, three days that they "went together"? Come on!

Gretchen kept glancing over at me and smirking with this really smug expression look on her face. What a britch!

I'm sorry, remember when I said Gretchen got bitchier this go-round? Yeah, well, I meant BRITCHIER. Obviously.

But dad came over and gave me my present. It was a light blue cassette player radio! I'm so excited. It's really cool. But mom just yelled that Sarah's on the phone. 'Bye.

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The britchiness don't stop. Plus, a love note reveals some vomtastic pet names!

We Can Live Without Boys... Can't We?, part 4

LAST TIME: Hooker day came and went in a blaze of scantily clad glory. Maggie was sweatin' new-hottie-in-town Brian, but it turned out that he was IN THE LOVE with her friend and fellow boy-disdaining clubmate Kelly—which was, of course, revealed via an extremely realistic love note. Kelly returned Brian's affections and decided that, in spite of Maggie's feelings and the entire concept of the We Can Live Without Boys club, she had to follow her heart and "go with him." Maggie became sick to her stomach.

My stomach just got worse and worse. At home my dad gave me a quiz on the state capitals. I started barfing. Once I started I couldn't stop. How can love be so cruel? Maybe I'll die of a broken heart. I felt sick.

Broken heart? I'd say dehydration is more likely.

"How's that babe in your class?" Cassie asked.
"Dumb. He likes Kelly."
"I thought Kelly was your friend."
"Was. She's gonna go with Brian."
"Who's Brian?"
"The babe."
"Sorry, Magsums." said Cassie and she left.

I had the 24-hour-flu. Oh, barf. And barf I did. The 24-hour-flu is a dumb name for it. I mean it lasts a lot longer than 24 hours.

Er, probably not the 24-hour flu then. Just sayin'.

"Hi, Maggie." said Sherry, bringing in my homework. "Kelly is feeling really bad, you know."
"I'll bet Brian isn't." I said, sadly.
"Now Maggie, you can't jump to conclusions. Maybe he likes you."

What? Sherry, just stop. Please. For all of us.

"If he liked me he would have written me a note."
"Ok you have a point. Just try to be friends with Kelly."

Sherry left me feeling miserable. Should I be friends with Kelly or not? I was mad at Brian. Even madder at Kelly. She was there when I said he looked better than Kirk Cameron. Then she had to go with him. I thought we could live without boys, anyway.

You guys, she said he looked better than Kirk Cameron! Than KIRK CAMERON! Does this mean nothing to those bitches? Unbelievable! On the other hand, she has had, oh, ZERO interaction with Bri-Bri. She was in love with him and now she's mad at him, and by my count they have yet to exchange a single word.

Thursday was my first day back at school. We were eating blueberry muffins. I didn't eat any, remembering Halloween. Hilda didn't even ask why. She just eyed me suspiciously. Dad probably told her not to give me a hard time. That darn dad.

At the bus stop Sherry told me that Mitzi caught Emmy in the bathroom smoking a cigarette. I smiled and clapped appreciatively.

It's too bad the club wasn't there to serenade her!

Emmy was babbling away at Sherry who was staring into space. Some audience. Marsha was running back and forth from her desk to Daphne's. Daphne was staring at Brian but he was staring at Kelly. Kelly was glancing back and forth between me and Brian. I stared at my desk top.

"Welcome back, Maggie." said Mrs. Melnick "We missed you."
"Right." I mumbled.
"What did you say, Maggie?"
"I said 'Thanks."
"Oh." said Mrs. Melnick doubtfully.

At lunch Sam and Sherry were eating with Kelly still. I hesitated. Sherry spotted me. She pointed to the seat next to her. Darn, Trapped.

"Brian said he loved me yesterday over the phone. It was kind of embarassing because my stepmom was eavesdropping." Kelly blushed as Brian walked over.

Gee, Kelly, why don't you rub a gallon of salt in Maggie's wound? I mean, I know her anger is completely unjustified due to the whole never-having-actually-spoken-to-Brian factor, but still. Is it so difficult to refrain from talking about how much he luuuuurves you? Speaking of which, did anyone ever witness a 10-year-old boy profess his love over the phone? A show of hands, please.

"Hello, beautiful women." said Brian. "Maggie, glad to see you back."
"Brian do you mind. We're having a private discussion." said Sam, making her eyes wide.
"Sorry, ladies. Didn't mean to barge in." he apologized.
"Isn't he sweet?" said Kelly after Brian left.

Sweet? I'd say he's awfully smarmy for a fourth grader.

"Maggie we've decided to change the club name to, WE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT BOYS. Are you in favor?" Sam told me, happy.
"Sure." I said.
"Maggie, can we still be friends?" Kelly asked me.
"I guess." I said.
"Oh, Maggie, that's great. Thanx a bunch." cried Kelly.

I don't think that "I guess" deserves such an enthusiastic response, Kel.

I was still a bit mad at Kelly. Brian was everything. Smart, sweet, cute, and charming. PERFECT. And Kelly got him. Kelly, who used to be such a tomboy until she met us. Now I wished we'd never met her. I still liked her some, though. A part of me would always like her and a part of me would always hate her.

Fourth grade is frigging rough, guys.

Maybe I should go back to Timmy.

Sherry liking Drake again. Maybe it would end up Me-Timmy, Sherry-Drake, Kelly-Brian, Sam. What about Sam? Oh well.

That was how I summed up page 12, and I remember I had a bit of writer's block after that. What would be the next twist of plot in my exciting tale? I took a break to get the ol' creative juices flowing again, and eventually returned with the following (now double-spaced!).

"I am really fed up." yelled Cassie at the top of her lungs. She stormed out of the room which was fine with me. She'd left her magazine in there anyway and that's what she'd been screaming about.

I sat down, satisfied, and opened the magazine. 'Modern Screen'. OK. Posters: Kirk Cameron...... oh, who am I kidding, I asked myself. I was just mad.... at Brian mostly. Brian, the Mummy Dummy, I thought.

The MUMMY DUMMY? What does that even mean? That might be up there with "report-on-Maine stealer."

Oh, forget it. I want to run away. Get away from all the confusion. Everyone says running away never helps. I didn't believe them.

It's like I had a Wheel o' Plot Devices, and once again the arrow landed on RUNNING AWAY.

I went upstairs and packed my bags. No one understands me, I thought sadly. They probably won't even notice I'm gone. A tear landed on my nightgown. This is painful.

I poked my head around the kitchen door. Good, no one was in there. I checked the cupboards carefully. My cup from the circus, an apple, some crackers, cookies, and the most important my Halloween candy.

Note to self: Most important survival food: Halloween candy.

I almost forgot. I'll need something to drink. I grabbed 5 Hi-C lemonade drink boxes. That should cover it.

I ran up the stairs with my bulging bag of food. I quickly pulled a blanket off my bed and snatched a pillow. Money. I'll need money. I shook the money out of my piggy bank and stuffed it into my purse. I bunched my food, clothes, sleeping stuff, pocket-sized photo album, cassette player radio, and some tapes into the biggest suitcase I could find. Old, gray with dirt, and ratty of course. It also smelled like my sister's shampoo. SICK. But, everything fit in it ok, so that was that.

I love that she brings a photo album and freaking cassette tapes.

On t.v. kids write their families a letter before they leave telling them why. I wanted to be original. I scribbled a short note to Sherry, though.

It said:

Sherry-
I am leaving because no one understands me, except for you. Life isn't fair and you know why. By the time you read this I hope to be out of the state. -Maggie (your pal)

Out of the state! I love it! Where's she planning on going? Pennsylvania?

I shoved the note into my pocket and picked up the large suitcase. Heavy. Too heavy. Nah. I tried again. Then I realized I forgot my purse. I ran back into my room and slung it over my shoulder. I made it down the stairs. Bump, step, bump, step. Thank god no one heard me.

I ran over to Sherry's and slid the note through the mailbox. Sherry ran out as I was trying to pick up the suitcase. She studied the note and squealed, "Can I come?"

I thought it over. "Yes." I finally answered. Sherry grinned.

"Great." she said. "Wait a second." Sherry dashed into the house and came out with a brown paper bag. "Clothes, food, money, flashlight, blanket, pillow, radio, tapes, batteries. You know."

I nodded. "Got an extra pair of shoes." I asked. I was amazed that Sherry could do that so quickly.

An extra pair of shoes! I had clearly given running away a LOT of thought.

Sherry clapped her hand over her mouth. "No. Wait just one more moment." I didn't have to wait. Sherry was back in a flash. "Where're we goin'?" she asked me.
I shrugged. How should I know, anyway.

Uh, maybe because you're the one running away! And what about the leaving-the-state plan? Get on the ball, Maggie!

"Let's go catch a bus. I know just the place." Sherry's eyes twinkled. She's got ideas, I thought. "On second thought, let's walk. It's not that far and busses cost money. Let me make a call inside. Hold on."

Sherry came out after a minute. She smiled. "Let's go." she cheerfully announced.

After a while we got there. I thought it was just a tree.

This is where the suspension of disbelief comes in. Are you guys ready? Take a few deep breaths. Here we go...

Sherry showed me the small hole. I got in first. Sherry gave me the suitcase and bag. She climbed in and shut a little door. She flipped on a light switch. We were on some stairs.

"Come on" said Sherry as she led me down them. Soon I saw a small door. Sherry fished a key out of her pocket and opened it. Inside I saw Sam and Kelly. They were sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Cards. Fish.

"This is what we've been doing after school when you never wanted to come." said Sam walking away from the table.

Uh, when was that? They rigged up a crazy inside-a-tree/underground hideout while she had the 24-hour flu?

When I first reread this I tried to reason that it could be a bomb shelter or other preexisting structure that they've turned into clubhouse, but the more I read it the more I cannot deny that a) it is somehow or other inside a tree and b) we are led to believe that they MADE IT THEMSELVES.

This is probably the time to tell you that I was a wee bit obsessed with underground homes as an elementary schooler. I used to draw picture upon picture of imagined subterranean dwellings. Generally each room in the house was a separate hole, with ladders leading from room to room. The floors were lined with straw (there was usually a separate room designated for straw storage), and the bathroom contained plumbing that led to a nearby water source. Seriously, I drew that in. I suppose it was only a matter of time before I wrote an underground lair into one of my stories.

"Yep." said Kelly. "Lookit." She pulled up a string from the floor. It was a door. I climbed down a ladder. We were in a bedroom. There were four beds-mattresses. One was bare-mine. One was pink with a Kirk Cameron poster over it and an Apple. Also there was a pamphlet that said California on it-Sam's. One bed was messy. A blue blanket was thrown over it. A paper saying 'I hate my cousin' and a photograph of Brian-Kelly's. Sherry's had a Patrick Swayze poster over it. It was purple with a math packet laying on it. There was an open book on it, too. A stuffed dog lay on the pillow.

These bed descriptions really drive home the fact that each character only has one or two defining interests. (The "I hate my cousin" paper? Priceless!) Although who knew Sherry was crazy for Swayze?

Kelly pointed to the empty bed. "You can put your stuff there. Look." She pushed a white sheet out of the way and we walked in. "The bathroom." she said. There was a toilet and a small tub.

They can install a bathtub, but they can't be assed to put up a simple door?

Then we came back up. They showed me the stove, sink, emergency exit [safety first!], phone, refridgerator, cupboards, and food.

"It's on my property." said Sam. She quickly added, "My folks don't know we did this, though."
"She rigged up the thing with the phone, heat, and running water." Kelly told me.
Sam shrugged. "I love electronics." she said.

What, you guys? She loves electronics! It's totally believable now.

"I thought you wanted to be a vet." I said.
"Nah. Just a cover up. I thought you wouldn't like me then."
"Are you kidding. I think it's cool."
"Really? Well, that's great. Welcome." Sam smiled warmly.

I made my bed. Mom and dad would never find me. They were away for the weekend anyway. Hilda wouldn't care, would she?

"Nope." said Kelly. She grinned. I blushed. I was thinking aloud again. Oooops.

No, I'm sure the housekeeper won't mind if one of the kids disappears on her watch. Whatever, there are four more at home.

Sam made coffee and doughnuts for dinner. Mmmmmmmm. Ahhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhh.

Pop 'n Fresh Dough? Or did she just have a doughnut-gasm?

Best dinner I ever had.

I fell asleep easily. The bed was so comfortable.

I had a weird dream. We all lived in this little house. Good.

When I woke up I was still in the little bedroom. It hadn't been a dream. I was the only one in the bedroom, though. Sleepily, I climbed up the ladder and opened the door.

Sherry was sprawled across the rug, obviously into the book she was reading. Kelly was sitting on the couch watching cartoons. Sam was cooking breakfast. Pancakes. Yummy.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Sam grinned at me before turning back to her food. "Want to help?" she asked.

After breakfast was served, Sherry and Kelly complimented us. I decided I loved making breakfast.

"I told Brian I'd call him last night." Kelly said suddenly.
"Well, go ahead. There aren't any rules about using the phone. If there are, please inform me." Sam answered.
"No. You got me. I was just feeling weird about sleeping under a tree." said Kelly, shrugging.
"Me too." Sherry called from the bathroom.
"These walls are like paper." cried Sam, shaking her head.
"Nope. They're like wood." I said.
Sam laughed. "Maggie," she shouted between giggles "You are such a te- so weird." Sam stopped herself just in time.

So are they under a tree or, like, IN a tree? Why do I bother trying to make sense of this?

"Shhh." said Kelly. "I'm on the phone. Hello. Is Brian there? Yes this is.... WHAT? He is.... 1879 Fairmount St. Luke's.... Yes... Ok... uh... tell him I called... if you can. All right. Ok. 'Bye." Kelly hung up and started to cry.

What in God's name happened to Brian? Give the Plot Device Roulette wheel a spin, and you might be able to figure it out!

NEXT TIME: The thrilling (okay, rushed) conclusion.