Secrets, secrets are no fun

Our elementary school's Gifted & Talented program had a red-headed stepchild called Mrs. Donnelly's Advanced Reading Class. Actually, in Mrs. Donnelly's case, it was more of a dyed-blond-and-set-at-the-beauty-parlor-every-week stepchild, and it reeked of perfume. Oh man, did it ever reek of perfume. This was especially unfortunate because the Advanced Reading Class was held in a windowless room that was definitely meant to be a supply closet.

One of our extremely advanced reading class assignments was to write a play. Mrs. Donnelly selected two of the plays to be performed by us at a lunchtime assembly. One involved a Sherlock Holmes type—portrayed by my one true love, Sig—who solved a mystery. (My friend Becca was cast as a maid in this one, and Mrs. Donnelly quickly offered up an outfit—apparently the Donnellys had a cache of maid uniforms at home for the purpose of attiring the hired help at their many soirees. We found this revelation appalling.) The other play involved girls who got hooked on some amazingly tasty candy that was—surprise, kids!—DRUGS.

I think I mentioned all of this during the discussion of Gymnastics Camp, but I've since realized that I was getting my plays confused. The play I actually entered in our class-wide competition was not about obnoxious young back-flippers, but about fifth graders involved in spreading the world's most uninteresting gossip. I'm not being modest when I say it displays neither giftedness nor talent.


No, the secret is not that Nancy (on the left) was born without a forehead, neck, or shoulders. Everyone knows that! Nor is the secret that Cara (on the right) is stepping on Nancy's foot. That's totally obvs! But, you guys, whatever the secret is, it must be REALLY, REALLY JUICY, right? Because Cara looks shocked! Absolutely shocked!

Title: The Big Secret

Cast of Characters:
Nancy
Cara
Jodie
Adam
Ben
Mom

Setting (Time and Place): Outside the school.

Narrator: Nancy has a big secret. She wasn't going to tell anyone, but she feels like she has to.

Nancy: (coming over to Cara, Adam, Jodie, and Ben) Listen. Cara, I have something to tell you. It's a big secret, so come over here. (Nancy and Cara walk away) My mom is going to have triplets!


Wait, WHAT? Why on earth does Cara find triplets so alarming? Could it be because Nancy, who has no arms of her own, likes to gnaw on baby limbs? (I mean, that's what's going on in that illustration, right?)

Cara: Nancy, that's great! Wait'll I tell Jodie. She'll never believe it!

Nancy: No, Cara! It's a secret. My mom wants it to be a surprise. She told me not to tell anybody, but I had to tell somebody.

How do you surprise people with triplets? "Oh, what, you guys thought I was having ONE baby? Well, I totally had THREE! BOOYAH, suckers!"

Cara: O.K. I swear I won't tell anybody. (Walk back over to the group)

Jodie: What did Nancy want?

Cara: Come here. (Walk away with Jodie) You'll never believe it! Nancy's mom is going to have triplets!

Jodie: "But doesn't Nancy like to eat babies?"
Cara: "Yeah, that's probably why they're having so many."

Wow, Cara let the cat out of the bag AND lost her socks in a total of 5 seconds. And now she's... uh... impersonating Popeye??

Jodie: You're kidding! How cool! I have to tell Adam and Ben.

I think I eased up on the illustrations when I realized I would soon have to depict Adam and Ben. I was allergic to drawing boys.

Cara: No, Jodie. You can't. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. Nancy will kill me if she finds out I told you.

Yes, PLEASE tell me there's going to be a murder in this play!

Jodie: Don't worry, Cara. Adam can keep a secret. I just won't tell Ben.

Cara: O.K. Just make sure Ben doesn't find out. Then the whole school will know. (Walks over to Adam and Ben) Adam, Jodie wants you.

Adam: (walks over to Jodie) What?

Jodie: Can you keep a secret?

Adam: Yeah.

Jodie: Nancy's mom is going to have triplets!

Adam: Awesome! My sister had twins.

Jodie: Two is nothing compared to three.

I love how Jodie says this like she has been there. Also, were triplets really this exciting in fifth grade, or had Ann M. Martin seriously warped my brain? Wouldn't the more likely reaction be something like: "My house is going to be filled with three crying babies instead of one? I hate you, mom and dad! I'm running away!"

Oh yes, running away would definitely improve this play. As would some sweet, sweet candy drugs—which might just induce a homicidal rage! Nancy would then, of course, have to hide the corpses in her secret passage. Now THAT would be a big secret. I am so rewriting this.

On a side note, I just Googled "Pike triplets" (yes, yes I did) and I found this article about some real-life Pike triplets who have "almond-shaped eyes." I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Article was clearly written by one of the BSC's ghostwriters.

Adam: I have to tell Ben.

Because nothing is more exciting to a 10-year-old boy than finding out his classmate's mom is going to pop out three little ones!

Jodie: No way. I told Cara I wouldn't tell Ben. He has such a big mouth.

Adam: None of my friends have big mouths, except for you and Cara. (Walks over to Ben and Cara) Come on, Ben. (Walks away with Ben)

Cara: (runs over to Jodie) What are they saying?

Jodie: How should I know?

Not only are they gossip mongers, they're also idiots.

Adam: Ben, I'm telling you this because Jodie said you have a big mouth.

Ben: I do not!

Adam: Exactly. That's why I'm telling you.

That Adam, he's a man boy of principles.

Ben: Telling me what?

Adam: That Nancy's mom is having triplets.

Ben: Right now?

Adam: I guess.

Ben: Well, come how Nancy's at school?

Adam: I don't know. Why don't you ask her?

Ben: O.K. I will. (Walks over to Nancy) Hi, Nancy.

Nancy: Hi, Ben.

Ben: Why are you at school if you're mom's at the hospital.

Nancy: My mom's not sick.

Ben: I know.

Nancy: Then why would she be at the hospital?

Ben: I thought she was having triplets.

Nancy: (screams) CARA!

Kill, Nancy! KILL! KILL!

Cara: (runs over) What?

Nancy: (walks away with Cara) Why did you tell Ben about my mom.

Cara: I didn't. I would never tell Ben. He has such a big mouth.

Um, Cara? You might not want to throw stones when you're living in a loose-lipped house of your own there.

Nancy: Who did you tell?

Cara: Well...

Nancy: WHO?!?

Cara: Jodie.

Nancy: (Runs over to Jodie) Why did you tell Ben about my mom.

Jodie: What's wrong with your mom?

Nancy: You know.

Jodie: What?

Way too play it cool, Jodie. She'll never suspect!

Nancy: Come on, Jodie. Cara told me she told you.

Jodie: O.K. She did.

Nancy: Why did you tell Ben?

Jodie: Ben? Big-mouth Ben? No way. I told Adam. I bet he told Ben. Even after I told him not to.

OMG, because who would do THAT?

Nancy: (Runs over to Adam) Why did you tell Ben about my mom?

Adam: How come you're here if your mom is having babies.

Nancy: She isn't. Why did you tell Ben?

Adam: Because he's my friend. Besides, Jodie said he had a big mouth.

Nancy: That's no reason.

(Bell rings. Everyone goes inside.)

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN! What a cliffhanger!

Scene II

Setting: Nancy's house

Narrator: Nancy decides to tell her mom why the whole school knows she's having triplets.

That's right, the entire elementary school is abuzz with the baby news. They can't WAIT! The computer club is probably printing up an über-pixelated "WELCOME TRIPLETS" banner on a roll of perforated paper AS WE SPEAK.

Nancy: (walks into the room) Hi, mom.

Mom: Hi, Nancy. How was school?

Nancy: Well, mom. You know how you told me about the triplets?

Mom: Yes. I know I can trust you.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, sorry.

Nancy: Maybe you can't.

Mom: What do you mean?

Nancy: I couldn't keep a secret, Mom. I told my friend, Cara.

Mom: One person can't hurt.

"I can still shock everyone else with my amazing ability to procreate! BOW BEFORE MY FERTILE AND SPACIOUS WOMB! BOOOOOOOW!"

Nancy: Yeah, but then Cara told Jodie and Jodie told Adam and Adam told Ben and Ben told the rest of the school.

Mom: I guess it won't be a surprise.

Because the elementary school population was definitely the prime target from which to keep this secret.

Nancy: You're not mad.

Mom: No, I think you've learned your lesson. Next time you'll know better. I still trust you, Nance.

What lesson? That it's totally cool to break someone's trust as long as you only tell ONE person (and that one person isn't Big-Mouth Ben)?

Nancy: You're the best mom in the world.

Narrator: The end.

Then, because you'd obviously want to know more about the literary genius who came up with this ground-breaking plot:

About the Author

Sada is 11½ years old and in the fifth grade at Fairfax Elementary School. She likes to read, write and draw. Sada also enjoys ice skating and swimming. She likes arts and crafts as well. She lives with her mother, her father, sister, brother, turtle, Jaws, and the guinea pigs, Baby, Rosie, and Peachy.

The turtle's name was Jaws. I did not live with the island-terrorizing great white shark.

NEXT TIME: If I can find it, the CANDY CRACK play! If not, something else.

Portraits of the author as a young girl

Okay, so I apologize in advance for the narcissism, but I was psyched to unexpectedly come across these photos over the weekend. I didn't realize I had them here! Plus, I thought you might be interested to see the face behind the chapter books. I mean, before that face had braces and was topped with triangle hair.

First there are a few pictures of me dorking out with a book.


That's me circa first or second grade with my copy of E.T.A. Hoffman's The Nutcracker, awesomely illustrated by Maurice Sendak. It currently resides on my living room bookshelf.

If you check out the wall in the background, you may notice some extremely large paper dolls. Yes, one is nearly life-sized and has what appear to be movable arms! And also, a scary giant mouth. And eyes on her forehead. But I digress. My sister and I were entrepreneurial youngsters who were always hatching a money-making scheme of some sort. In this venture, we would draw pictures (almost exclusively of girls) and then try to sell them to anyone unfortunate enough to visit our home. So, mostly our relatives.

Here's me in third grade at my grandparents' house chillin' with the March sisters. This same copy of Little Women is on the bookshelf in my bedroom. I told you I'm a pack rat.

This one is probably also from second grade, and I've included it mostly for "WTF is with that outfit?" value. Let's discuss: First off, we have the gray beret. (I had another beret that I liked to consider my "raspberry beret," which was in actuality more of a maroon. However, my mom almost certainly found it at a secondhand store.) Then I'm wearing my mom's tank top, upon which is depicted a cartoon critter (a gopher? woodchuck?) saying "Howdy Partner" (that part you can't see, but I well remember), layered over a pink T-shirt. Attached to the front of the tank top is a fancy gold hair clip. Yes, a HAIR CLIP. On my shirt. Over my beribboned jean skirt I am proudly displaying a homemade brown and white gingham apron.

Do you remember when I thought one of my fourth grade club activities should be "making clothes"? Yeah, I was thinking less along the lines of sewing and more like what you see here: cutting fabric out in the shape of clothing. Voilà! An apron! Not quite sure where the glue came in...


This next outfit is so '80s it's almost painful. Let me describe it for any blind readers... or anyone who just has to look away. This is the kind of outfit I thought was cool, COMPLETELY COOL. A white tank top with multicolored polka dots, paired with pink stretch pants (leggings? nay, they were stretch pants) with flowy flower-and-butterfly-print shorts layered on top. That's right, shorts AND pants. Together. This is precisely why I can't get behind the '80s fashion revival. And my shoes? Good God, I loved those shoes. They're white leather (or more likely, pleather) with tiny cutouts in flower patterns. Highly impractical for the Cleveland winter, but these were all the rage in third grade.

Just how cool did I think this outfit was? So cool that I made my mom take a picture of it.


This one is low on fashion (and, er, clothing in general), but I've included it because for many years I thought it was just the sexxiest photo of me ever taken. Because seriously, what's hotter than a pants-less third grader with knobby knees? The answer: a pants-less third grader with knobby knees AND a pink sweatshirt!


First, a disclaimer: NOT MY GLASSES. Though as you can see, I was a huge fan of that pink sweatshirt. This is me at the end of fourth grade, with my disastrous Worst Cut (also known as the reason I'm hesitant to experiment with bangs ever again), my braces, and my friend Maggie's enormous pink glasses. For a while I had this photo in a frame in my bedroom, and I would try to trick people into believing it was my cousin. Yeah, I was an asshat of sorts.

And one other relic before we graduate and move on to fifth grade: a random About the Author section that I whipped up for one of my many books.

Sada is 10 going on 11. She enjoys reading, writing, drawing, talking on the telephone, playing with her friends, and her rabbit, Bun-Bun.

NEXT TIME: We will get our Gossip on. I mean it.

Until then, check out reader tctill's new blog Lisa and the Angels Rock!!!, in which she too is publishing her childhood canon. Her first novel, Carrie's Search for a Friend, is about a tween who is a pop star AND an orphan AND an abused child. It's like Jem and the Holograms meets Pollyanna meets an Afterschool Special. So far the story has featured twelve pop songs, seven random adopted siblings, six black-and-white tape cover outfits, five Big Bird iron-ons, three horses with no name, and one beating with a plastic belt. Have I mentioned it's amazing?