Adventures in Babysitting

As you may have deduced from a glance at my blogroll, I was a huge Baby-sitters Club fan back in fifth grade. And since babysitting was obviously synonymous with Exciting Plotlines (we all know it's only a short leap from running a playgroup to discovering secret passages, flirting with sexxy lifeguards, and going on free cruises to Disney World), I thought I'd try my hand at a babysitting novel of my own. Never mind that I had never babysat anyone. Ever. I didn't need to! Because I'd been virtually babysitting Jamie Newton and Charlotte Johanssen for years! Or at least a year and a half. Whatever.

So what was my book—my offering to the altar of Ann M. Martin and her pack of preternaturally maternal middle schoolers—going to be called?

HELP..... I'M BABYSITTING.

That's right. My babysitter was going to be begging for mercy. As you'll soon see, Lauren Lowsky is what we might call a—how can I put this?—"special" babysitter.

HELP.....I'M BABYSITTING #1 Lauren and the Tolivers

That implies that this was going to be a series. Book #2? Maybe Lauren and the Mysterious Diagnosis.

RRRIIINNNGGG....went the phone. I covered my ears. RRRIIINNNGGG. Answermom, I thought, and put the two words together as one. RRRIIINNN- Ah.

She just covered her ears when the phone rang. Would you leave this person in charge of your children?

"LAUREN." mom called. "PHONE."

My little, 7-year-old, sister, Melissa stuck her head in the door. "I think it's a client." she whispered.

I snatched the portable phone from her hand and pushed her right back out of the door. You have to know how to handle siblings sometimes.

You can tell right away that Lauren is just wonderful with the little ones!

My name is Lauren Lowsky. I'm 14 years old, brown hair, green eyes, 5'4", and I refuse to reveal my weight.

I think this has less to do with Lauren's body image and more to do with the fact that I had no idea how much a 5'4" 14-year-old girl would weigh. But I DID know that she'd wear a ginorm polka-dotted bow in her hair!

Lauren Lowsky: 99% Babysitter? Shyeah right!

I really love her off-the-shoulder sweatshirt letting us know she is ALL IN on this babysitting thang. I'm a little worried, however, that she may have trouble walking after spending so many years binding her feet. Check them out! They are like a size –2.

"Hello," I said. "Lauren Lowsky speaking."

"Hello, dear," answered a woman's voice. "It's Mrs. Toliver." MRS. TOLIVER. [Why the caps? WE DON'T KNOW.] "Can you baby-sit tonight from 7-10?"

Does it seem suspicious that Mrs. Toliver's calling her at the last minute? It's probably because they've called every single other babysitter in town first, and none of them were available.

"Um....um..." I stammered. "Ah, I don't know. Let me check my calendar. Hold on."

Lauren Lowsky: 100% babysitter, 0% professional. Also, she has to check her calendar to see if she's busy TONIGHT? She can't remember what she's doing in a couple of hours? Mmmkay...

I was free. "Uh, Mrs. Toliver, I'll be there."

"Should we pick you up?" asked Mrs. Toliver.

"I just need a ride home, thanks." I answered.

"Great," she said. "See you at 7:00."

* * * * * *

BONG. That was the Tolivers' door bell. BONG. Why aren't they answering? BONG. WHERE ARE THEY?

BONG. Might be what Lauren was hitting before she came over here. Chill, Lauren! You must chill!

A small figure wearing a very big T-shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots opened the door.

"Elvis." I exclaimed. "Hi."

"Lauren." shouted Elvis. He dropped the broom in his hand. Then he ran over and threw his arms around my neck.

"Howdy, partner," said Priscilla, galloping in on her own broom. "Long time no see."

"Long time no see." I repeated.

I have a feeling Lauren repeats LOTS of things. Like maybe the ninth grade.

"Hi, honey," said Mrs. Toliver. "There's a note on the kitchen table. Back by 10:00." So Mr. and Mrs. Toliver left.

The note said:

Lauren-
We're at the "Starlight Dance Club"
The # is: 555-4237
If any emergency, call us and Georgia Martin at 555-9394
Be inside at 8. You can have fudgesicles at 8:30. Clean up when you get in at 8:00. Brush teeth, put on P.J.'s, and use potty. Bedtime is 9:00.
Back at 10:00

-Mary Toliver

This may be the most precise babysitting note ever written. They have to eat fudgesicles at exactly 8:30? Mrs. Toliver has to remind Lauren to take the kids to the bathroom before bed? Clearly our heroine has babysat for them before.

p.s. I love that the Tolivers are on a hot date at the Starlight Dance Club. Before 10 p.m.

"Looks like we've got a full evening, guys." I said.

Priscilla and Elvis are twins. They are 4½. They are average height and weight. They both have silky blond hair and brown eyes about the color of melted chocolate. They're really cute kids.

Were shirts not made to cover both shoulders in 1989?

I think the backstory here was that the Tolivers loved them some Elvis. In real life, I had just read Priscilla Presley's memoir Elvis and Me. I still remember parts of it VIVIDLY. Like how Elvis cheated on Priscilla with Ann-Margret? And how Priscilla moved in with Elvis while she was still in high school... but they didn't make with the sexin' until she graduated? No no, instead they just indulged in some near-sex role-playing games in which Priscilla portrayed a naughty nurse. OH. MAN.

Elvisex!

Was this appropriate fifth grade reading material? LORD NO! But it wasn't as bad as The Prince of Tides, which I read in fourth grade over the course of ONE WEEK because I couldn't put it down. Adultery? Alcoholism? Attempted suicide? Murderous tigers? Children raped by escaped convicts? Check, check, check, check, and—sorry to ruin it for you—CHECK!

I believe a penis is likened to pigskin at one point?

Ahem, back to the babysitting...

"Are we playing cowboy?" I asked.

"You bet." Elvis yelled from the other room. I ran to find the kids. To be a good baby-sitter you have to know where your kids are.

Thanks for the pointer, Babysitting Guru!

"Here," said Priscilla. She handed me one of her father's vests and a large straw hat. "Put 'em on." she urged.

"Are you sure we can use the vest?" I asked.

"POS-I-TIVE." said Priscilla, stressing each syllable.

Elvis handed me a broom. "Ride 'em, cowb- I mean, 'Ride 'em cowgirl.'" he told me. Priscilla and I laughed.

How many brooms do these people own?

"So," I said. "Do you want to play outside.

"Yeah." said Elvis.

"We can play in the tent." added Priscilla.

"The tent?" I asked.

* * * * *

"We need some Indians." announced Elvis.

"Yeah," agreed Priscilla. "Can Liz and Tommy Martin come over? It's dumb without Indians for us to tie to the big tree."

Hello, and welcome to the politically incorrect portion of our story! I do remember that most games could be improved upon by tying someone (oppressed minority, royal hostage, kidnappee, whoevs) to a tree. Tip: A jump rope gets the job done quite well.

"They can come over for 45 minutes. Then we have to come in." I said. "But, I don't think Liz and Tommy are going to let you tie them to trees."

"Awwww." moaned Priscilla.

"O.K." said Elvis. "Let's call."

* * * * * *

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Mrs. Martin?" I asked politely.

"This is her. Who's this?"

"Lauren Lowsky." I answered.

"Omigod." gasped Mrs. Martin. "What happened?" she managed to choke out.

Normally I'd say Mrs. Martin is a bit jumpy... but it is Lauren Lowsky in charge of these children.

"Oh," I said. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Mrs. Martin asked, sounding annoyed.

Wait, is she disappointed that Elvis and Priscilla aren't in mortal peril?

"I didn't mean to startle you. The kids wanted to know if Liz and Tommy could come over to play. Only for 45 minutes, though."

"Well," said Mrs. Martin. "I suppose so. Can Liz bring her friend, Sarah. She's sleeping over."

We soon find out that Liz is only 5½, which seems, I don't know, a bit young for sleepovers.

"You got it." I exclaimed.

* * * * * *

"My name is Doreen Martin." she said coolly. Dor. Liz and Tommy Martin's older, 8-year-old sister. I guess she forgot who I was.....or was acting like she did. But she knew me. I'd sat for her 3 times before that.

Not that anyone's counting.

"Hi, Laur." said Tommy. He has short, black hair. Thick. Just like his 2 older sisters. [Uh, who are you calling "thick," Lowsky?] He's 4.

"Hey, Laur-en." cried Liz. Her hair is slightly longer than Tommy's. She's 5½. "This is my friend, Sarah." she explained.

"Hi, Sarah." I said, bending over to see her.

Sarah's head snapped up in terror. [TERROR? Ah, Lauren Lowsky's reputation precedes her.] I backed away. Or at least I tried to. But I'm pretty sure I stopped.....and stared. I looked at her eyes first. I was lost.....in pools of clear blue. Then her pale, flawless skin. Then her long, bright red hair. This girl might as well be 'Miss America', I thought.

Okay, so Lauren is a developmentally disabled lesbian. Woo boy, I was breaking down barriers with this one!

"Hi." said a small voice from behind Sarah. That's when Sarah stood up. She was my age.

Then I saw the real Sarah.

A small girl; dull, blue, eyes. And last but certainly not least was a tangled mop of red hair on her head.

Lauren mistook a 14-year-old girl for a 5-year-old? Because she was kneeling? REALLY? She has freaking BRACES ON HER TEETH.

Here she is, she's... uh... Miss America...? Is this a joke?

That's right, "Miss America" has hair that resembles Silly String, no chin to speak of, and a baby-sized mouth full of metal. STOP indeed. However, I'm relieved that Mrs. Martin sent her children over with a chaperone.

And that's where this one ends, unfortunately. I really wanted to see Gloria and Lauren team up in business... and pleasure. Or to have their car stolen in downtown Chicago and almost get knifed on the subway and then have to make up an impromptu ditty at a blues bar. Maybe Lauren would meet her future wife at a sorority party! Oh, what could have been....

NEXT TIME: Can't get enough of babysitters? How about one being terrorized by a soul-sucking demon?

Until then, I have another diary for you to read! My friend Damiella is working on The Diary Project, wherein she's systematically posting and reflecting back on all of her childhood diary entries. It makes me wish I'd kept more diaries.

P.S. Longer Letter Later

In fifth grade, my friends and I had many activities we enjoyed doing together: rating the boys in our class on various predetermined qualities; singing along to Paula Abdul; eating Cool Ranch Doritos; choreographing elaborate dance routines to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack; and, of course, creating fictional characters who would then engage in epistolary feuds. The former is what we'll be covering here.

I had tried coauthoring a book before with my friends Katie and Jessica. The plan was that each of us would write a paragraph, then hand it off to the next person. The problem? We never made it to page two. We did, however, write some preadolescent promo material:

LIFE ISN'T FAIR
Courtney used to think her life was great. She isn't popular and she isn't a total dweeb. Her and her best friend, Teri, have it made. And Courtney's boyfriend is the most popular boy in school. Then Courtney's parents are having a baby, and Courtney eavesdrops and discovers the fact that she's adopted and she knows that her parents don't want her. When her boyfriend dumps her, that's when she decides that life isn't fair. So she [wait for it...] runs away.

Of course she does! By the way, I think we may need to resurrect the word "dweeb."

For our next cowritten venture, Katie and I decided to simplify things. Our book would be a series of letters written by two friends who were having a much more interesting summer than we were. Plus, this would give us an excuse to utilize a four-color pen (Katie) and dot our i's with hearts (me).


But first we had to jot down a list of our respective four-color pen pals' vital statistics and favorite T.V. shows—this allowed us to make extraneous pop culture references and concoct zany hobbies that no real-life fifth grader would ever admit to being interested in. My character, Andrea Forleene, loved goats and Corey Haim.

Full name: Andrea Heather Forleene
D.O.B.: October 4, 1977
Sex: Female
Fav. Food: Chocolate cigars

Because everyone knows chocolate tastes better when it's shaped like a phallus. Mmm!

Fav. Colors: Black and hot pink

Fav. T.V. show: The Wonder Years
Fav. Animal: Goat
Fav. Song: I Saw Him Standing There Only In My Dreams
Fav. Actor: Cory Haim
Fav. Actress: Kristy Swanson

I was very impressed with her performance in Flowers in the Attic. And that movie where she narrowly escapes death by becoming a killer robot.

Fav. Singer(s): Debbie Gibson
Fav. Movie: Three Men And A Baby

Remember those rumors about how there was a ghost of a little boy in Three Men and a Baby—but it turned out some sloppy crew member just left a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson wearing a top hat and tuxedo in the scene? Lame!

Worst urban legend ever. It should at least be the ghost of Guttenberg!

Height: 4'8"

Weight: 79½
Family: dad - Christopher (41), mom - Stephanie (39), sister - Christina (16), sister - Brittany (14½), brother - Sean (12½), and me!! Andrea (10½)
Fav. Sport: Kickball
Hair Color: Brown wavy, shoulder-length
Eye Color: Brown

Are you ready for the hobbies? This is when we get into WTF territory.

Hobbies: Writing Letters, Singing, Riding Trains, Collecting fake flowers, making pyramids out of old pop cans, recycling, eating chocolate, collecting flashlights, wearing tons of jewelry, making my family members pissed.

Making pyramids out of old pop cans? Seriously? That's how Andrea spends her time? And I thought the flashlight collection was so genius, I actually reused it in another story. !!! Or perhaps you could say I "recycled" it, because recycling is one of my hobbies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch a train to the fake flower shop. Right after I tell off my mom.

Katie's character was Leslie Nettles, a creative speller who belonged to organizations with unwieldy acronyms for names.

Full Name: Leslie Elizabeth Nettles
D.O.B.: July 7, 1977
Sex: Female
Favorite Food: Corean Chiken Balls

Neither Katie nor I had ever eaten a Korean chicken ball, but we HAD seen the movie Hello Again, starring Shelley Long as a woman who chokes to death on a Korean chicken ball only to be magically raised from the grave one year later by her woo-woo sister, Zelda. Unfortunately, Shelley Long does not come back as a zombie, but she does end up making out with Gabriel Byrne, so I guess that's cool too.

Favorite Color: Peach
Favorite T.V. Show: Miami Vice
Favorite Animal: Saint Bernardo

Saint Bernardo?

Do you get it? Do you get it?

You might if you realize that's Bernardo from West Side Story, and that's he's wearing a shoddily drawn halo. (Crap, jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them, are they?)

Favorite Song: Pour Some Sugar on Me
Favorite Singer(s): Def Leppard
Favorite Movie: [Blank]
Hieght: [Blank]
Wieght: [Blank]
Family Members: Mom: Frances (38), Dad Francis (39), Maria (7), Sandra (16), Marx (16), Alan (13)

We thought it would be beyond hilarious to have two parents with the same name. In retrospect, I think it would be better if their last name was Francis too. Also, MARX? What do we think? Are Frances and Francis commie pinkos or Marx Brothers fans? Or both?

Favorite Sport: Horse Back Riding, Water Skiing
Hair: Red
Eyes: Green
Hobbies: Basket Ball, Dancing, Acting, Bug Collecting, Pillow Case Collecting, Cooking, A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W., making my sister jealous, Water Skiing, Horse Back Riding, Listening to the OLDIES [do you think she sweats to them as well?], collecting podel skirts (Todd)

I know what you're thinking—that is, after you've gotten past the pillow case collection and the podel skirts (Todd, by the way, is not the name of one of the podels; he's Leslie's love interest, as you'll see shortly). What you're wondering is "What the hell is the A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W.?" The disturbing part is that IT DIDN'T TAKE ME THAT LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT. I'm pretty sure Leslie belongs to the Anti-Chauvinist Association of America for Girls and Women. And the protagonist from Life Isn't Fair was also a member! [Courtney Allison Sett also had a pet iguana named Igor (who she would totally fall for if she were an iguana!), her boyfriend was a georgiouse skater, and she had a weird habit of stating facts about herself aloud.] I'm not exactly sure what the A.C.A.O.A.F.G.W. did at their meetings, but I suspect it may have involved comparing men to farm animals.

Katie started off the letter writing. Her character had way more exciting vacation plans than mine did.

Dear Andrea,

Hi, how are you? I'm fine! How do you like being with your cousins all of the time? It gets really hot down here. You know Australia always get to be 90° everyday? Well, it's true! I miss my dog Duchess sooooooo much! Do you miss your house?

My grandparents, well, really my grandma can be such a NAG, with a capital N! There's one kangaroo who is hurt and is really tame who eats out of my hand. COOL, huh? I bet you could never get an animal to eat out of your hands!

Well, gotta go!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Your Friend
Leslie E. Nettles

Hello, and welcome to the portion of our story entitled Awesomely True Facts About Australia! As you probably know, the seasons Down Under are opposite those of the U.S. So when we are experiencing summer here, in Australia it's wintertime. What you may not know is that IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER, because it's always 90° in Australia, every single day! It's also a little-known fact that all Ozzies have wild kangaroos in their backyards. Kangaroos are kind of like the raccoons of Australia. Except they don't have opposable thumbs. And they like to be stroked when injured.

DearTO: Leslie Elizabeth Nettles,

For your information, ELIZABETH, my Aunt & Uncle and cousins live on a farm (SORT OF) here in Vermont. SO animals like goats and stuff eat RIGHT out of my hands. SO THERE! So chow yourself out!

Andrea Heather Forleene

P.S. Your grandma's right to NAG you!

In patented Sada style, my character goes totally frigging psycho after the smallest provocation. Also, I think there was some (unwritten) backstory about how Leslie hated her middle name, hence Andrea referring to her as Elizabeth in CRAZY CAPS™. However, I do enjoy "Chow yourself out!" as an insult. I like to think of it as a less-sophisticated version of "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier?"—except I think it might involve overindulgence at the Old Country Buffet.

Dear Andrea,

Listen, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be a brat but I was just sooooo excited about the KANGAROO eating out of my hand. By the way, my grandmother does NOT have the right to nag me.

In your next letter, I hope you aren't mad at me! Gueese what? I met this really neat boy/guy? named Todd. He's got brown hair and green eyes! His grandmother lives down here too. He seems like he's pretty smart but I don't know.

Write Back Soon!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Your Friend,
Leslie E. Nettles

Well, I'm not surprised she doesn't know if Todd's smart. She can't even tell if he's a boy/guy!

Dear Leslie Patricia, [Because Patricia is a waaaay hipper name that Elizabeth.]

Well O.K. you're forgiven, just don't act so conceited! O.K. I guess you can't help it. [Ooh, BURN!] Tell me more about TODD! He sounds SUPER GREAT! No boys around here except for my dad, Sean, and my cousins Danny (10) and Aaron (5). Danny has a crush on me! MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. Isn't that sick? I hope the KANGAROO feels better. O.K. so my other cousin is a girl and her name is Allison and she's 12 and we call her Allie.

Your friend, Andi

P.S. Write back soon.

Thankfully, all those Flowers in the Attic viewings haven't warp Andrea's ideas about what activities are appropriate to engage in with your own flesh and blood.

Dear Andrea,

Hi! Listen, I don't think Andi is such a good name, I mean it's just really not your style! Really, who gave you that name? Any way if you like it, Andi.

Sooo, you want to know more about MY Todd? ["MY" is actually underlined three times in three different colors, but I could only use one here.] You're probably thinking: "her Todd," huh? Well, he asked me to go to the BEACH with him! ALONE! Without any adults! COOL!

It really is gross about Danny! Listen is he cute? How's your aunt? My grandma is just great. Oh, my grandpa caught a 27 bl. fish. Gotta go

Chow-Chow, Taa
Your Friend,
Leslie, (Lesi)

More Awesomely True Facts About Australia: They don't actually use the metric system there. Instead, they use an obscure version the United States customary system in which everything is spelled backwards. That fish weighed 27 sdnuop!

Also, I'm not going to make a joke about Leslie's new nickname and Todd's questionable gender. I AM TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.

Dear Les,

Well, I don't think Lesi is the name for you. Les and Lesli would be O.K. I can't believe you asked if Danny was cute! I mean, he's only a child, besides you have "your Todd" remember. Anyway, O.K., what did you DO at the beach and I'm not being gross, Les. My cousin Allie is really cool and really nice! She took me to the mall yesterday and I got you a present. Wait and see what it is.

Your friend,
Hillary Diana

P.S. I'm changing my name to Hillary, OK?

If you've been paying attention, you may have noted that Andrea's wantin'-to-be-kissin' cousin is only six months younger than she is. An infant, clearly.

Dear Hillary,

You know I like that name! I think I'd like to meet Allie! She sounds cool! When I come back you have to take me to Vermont! Anyway, you have a sick mind! Todd and I went on a walk along the beach and then we went for a soda. Cool, huh!? Your right though, it was gross asking about Danny! I found out something you might be interested in! Todd has got a brother, TWin brother!

Write Soon

Chow-Chow, Taa

Lesli!

Nothing like a walk on the beach in winter. Good thing Australia is 90° year-round! I must say, though, I have my doubts about this intercontinental blind date scheme.

Dear Lesli,

You are right! Allie is cool! What's Todd's brother's name? And I don't have a sick mind!!! By the way, did you share a soda!?! O.K. I was only joking, Les. So when's the wedding? O.K. No more. I stopped. Allie is really nice! We went to the movies and she introduced me to Jeremy, this super-great seventh grader! My new name is Diane. Do you like that name? There are so many names. I hate the name "Andrea"!

Your friend,

Di

I don't know why I had all these characters who were dissatisfied with their names. I've always been kind of fond of mine. I do, however, remember constantly coming up with nicknames for myself (for example, Biff) that never, ever stuck. I can't imagine why.

Dear Di,

I've got a new image! I've got a totally COOL new wardrobe. Todd has this cousin, Glory, who is really cool and she went shopping with me! I got a cool pink skirt with a yellow shirt. So COOL! Todd and I went to the movies and he, well, he sort of, well..., he, uh, he KISSED ME! Uggg! asked me to go to a party with him. Glory helped me pick out this cool dress too! It's just so cool! Oh, yeah, Brian, well, he wants to meet you! But, it's going to be sort of hard for you to meet, but I gave him your address!

Chow-Chow, Taa

Lesli!

And that's it. I mean, if Katie was going to RENEGE ON THE KISSING (the hell?!), where was this story going to go? Plus, she totally stole my getting-made-over-by-a-cool-cousin plotline. Godammit! How was I ever going to top the pink skirt and yellow shirt combo??? She set the coolness bar way too high.

NEXT TIME: Fifth grade book reports, a.k.a. an excuse for 11-year-old me to write some pretty terrible jacket copy.

Until then... Chow-Chow, Taa!

Secrets, secrets are no fun

Our elementary school's Gifted & Talented program had a red-headed stepchild called Mrs. Donnelly's Advanced Reading Class. Actually, in Mrs. Donnelly's case, it was more of a dyed-blond-and-set-at-the-beauty-parlor-every-week stepchild, and it reeked of perfume. Oh man, did it ever reek of perfume. This was especially unfortunate because the Advanced Reading Class was held in a windowless room that was definitely meant to be a supply closet.

One of our extremely advanced reading class assignments was to write a play. Mrs. Donnelly selected two of the plays to be performed by us at a lunchtime assembly. One involved a Sherlock Holmes type—portrayed by my one true love, Sig—who solved a mystery. (My friend Becca was cast as a maid in this one, and Mrs. Donnelly quickly offered up an outfit—apparently the Donnellys had a cache of maid uniforms at home for the purpose of attiring the hired help at their many soirees. We found this revelation appalling.) The other play involved girls who got hooked on some amazingly tasty candy that was—surprise, kids!—DRUGS.

I think I mentioned all of this during the discussion of Gymnastics Camp, but I've since realized that I was getting my plays confused. The play I actually entered in our class-wide competition was not about obnoxious young back-flippers, but about fifth graders involved in spreading the world's most uninteresting gossip. I'm not being modest when I say it displays neither giftedness nor talent.


No, the secret is not that Nancy (on the left) was born without a forehead, neck, or shoulders. Everyone knows that! Nor is the secret that Cara (on the right) is stepping on Nancy's foot. That's totally obvs! But, you guys, whatever the secret is, it must be REALLY, REALLY JUICY, right? Because Cara looks shocked! Absolutely shocked!

Title: The Big Secret

Cast of Characters:
Nancy
Cara
Jodie
Adam
Ben
Mom

Setting (Time and Place): Outside the school.

Narrator: Nancy has a big secret. She wasn't going to tell anyone, but she feels like she has to.

Nancy: (coming over to Cara, Adam, Jodie, and Ben) Listen. Cara, I have something to tell you. It's a big secret, so come over here. (Nancy and Cara walk away) My mom is going to have triplets!


Wait, WHAT? Why on earth does Cara find triplets so alarming? Could it be because Nancy, who has no arms of her own, likes to gnaw on baby limbs? (I mean, that's what's going on in that illustration, right?)

Cara: Nancy, that's great! Wait'll I tell Jodie. She'll never believe it!

Nancy: No, Cara! It's a secret. My mom wants it to be a surprise. She told me not to tell anybody, but I had to tell somebody.

How do you surprise people with triplets? "Oh, what, you guys thought I was having ONE baby? Well, I totally had THREE! BOOYAH, suckers!"

Cara: O.K. I swear I won't tell anybody. (Walk back over to the group)

Jodie: What did Nancy want?

Cara: Come here. (Walk away with Jodie) You'll never believe it! Nancy's mom is going to have triplets!

Jodie: "But doesn't Nancy like to eat babies?"
Cara: "Yeah, that's probably why they're having so many."

Wow, Cara let the cat out of the bag AND lost her socks in a total of 5 seconds. And now she's... uh... impersonating Popeye??

Jodie: You're kidding! How cool! I have to tell Adam and Ben.

I think I eased up on the illustrations when I realized I would soon have to depict Adam and Ben. I was allergic to drawing boys.

Cara: No, Jodie. You can't. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. Nancy will kill me if she finds out I told you.

Yes, PLEASE tell me there's going to be a murder in this play!

Jodie: Don't worry, Cara. Adam can keep a secret. I just won't tell Ben.

Cara: O.K. Just make sure Ben doesn't find out. Then the whole school will know. (Walks over to Adam and Ben) Adam, Jodie wants you.

Adam: (walks over to Jodie) What?

Jodie: Can you keep a secret?

Adam: Yeah.

Jodie: Nancy's mom is going to have triplets!

Adam: Awesome! My sister had twins.

Jodie: Two is nothing compared to three.

I love how Jodie says this like she has been there. Also, were triplets really this exciting in fifth grade, or had Ann M. Martin seriously warped my brain? Wouldn't the more likely reaction be something like: "My house is going to be filled with three crying babies instead of one? I hate you, mom and dad! I'm running away!"

Oh yes, running away would definitely improve this play. As would some sweet, sweet candy drugs—which might just induce a homicidal rage! Nancy would then, of course, have to hide the corpses in her secret passage. Now THAT would be a big secret. I am so rewriting this.

On a side note, I just Googled "Pike triplets" (yes, yes I did) and I found this article about some real-life Pike triplets who have "almond-shaped eyes." I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Article was clearly written by one of the BSC's ghostwriters.

Adam: I have to tell Ben.

Because nothing is more exciting to a 10-year-old boy than finding out his classmate's mom is going to pop out three little ones!

Jodie: No way. I told Cara I wouldn't tell Ben. He has such a big mouth.

Adam: None of my friends have big mouths, except for you and Cara. (Walks over to Ben and Cara) Come on, Ben. (Walks away with Ben)

Cara: (runs over to Jodie) What are they saying?

Jodie: How should I know?

Not only are they gossip mongers, they're also idiots.

Adam: Ben, I'm telling you this because Jodie said you have a big mouth.

Ben: I do not!

Adam: Exactly. That's why I'm telling you.

That Adam, he's a man boy of principles.

Ben: Telling me what?

Adam: That Nancy's mom is having triplets.

Ben: Right now?

Adam: I guess.

Ben: Well, come how Nancy's at school?

Adam: I don't know. Why don't you ask her?

Ben: O.K. I will. (Walks over to Nancy) Hi, Nancy.

Nancy: Hi, Ben.

Ben: Why are you at school if you're mom's at the hospital.

Nancy: My mom's not sick.

Ben: I know.

Nancy: Then why would she be at the hospital?

Ben: I thought she was having triplets.

Nancy: (screams) CARA!

Kill, Nancy! KILL! KILL!

Cara: (runs over) What?

Nancy: (walks away with Cara) Why did you tell Ben about my mom.

Cara: I didn't. I would never tell Ben. He has such a big mouth.

Um, Cara? You might not want to throw stones when you're living in a loose-lipped house of your own there.

Nancy: Who did you tell?

Cara: Well...

Nancy: WHO?!?

Cara: Jodie.

Nancy: (Runs over to Jodie) Why did you tell Ben about my mom.

Jodie: What's wrong with your mom?

Nancy: You know.

Jodie: What?

Way too play it cool, Jodie. She'll never suspect!

Nancy: Come on, Jodie. Cara told me she told you.

Jodie: O.K. She did.

Nancy: Why did you tell Ben?

Jodie: Ben? Big-mouth Ben? No way. I told Adam. I bet he told Ben. Even after I told him not to.

OMG, because who would do THAT?

Nancy: (Runs over to Adam) Why did you tell Ben about my mom?

Adam: How come you're here if your mom is having babies.

Nancy: She isn't. Why did you tell Ben?

Adam: Because he's my friend. Besides, Jodie said he had a big mouth.

Nancy: That's no reason.

(Bell rings. Everyone goes inside.)

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN! What a cliffhanger!

Scene II

Setting: Nancy's house

Narrator: Nancy decides to tell her mom why the whole school knows she's having triplets.

That's right, the entire elementary school is abuzz with the baby news. They can't WAIT! The computer club is probably printing up an über-pixelated "WELCOME TRIPLETS" banner on a roll of perforated paper AS WE SPEAK.

Nancy: (walks into the room) Hi, mom.

Mom: Hi, Nancy. How was school?

Nancy: Well, mom. You know how you told me about the triplets?

Mom: Yes. I know I can trust you.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, sorry.

Nancy: Maybe you can't.

Mom: What do you mean?

Nancy: I couldn't keep a secret, Mom. I told my friend, Cara.

Mom: One person can't hurt.

"I can still shock everyone else with my amazing ability to procreate! BOW BEFORE MY FERTILE AND SPACIOUS WOMB! BOOOOOOOW!"

Nancy: Yeah, but then Cara told Jodie and Jodie told Adam and Adam told Ben and Ben told the rest of the school.

Mom: I guess it won't be a surprise.

Because the elementary school population was definitely the prime target from which to keep this secret.

Nancy: You're not mad.

Mom: No, I think you've learned your lesson. Next time you'll know better. I still trust you, Nance.

What lesson? That it's totally cool to break someone's trust as long as you only tell ONE person (and that one person isn't Big-Mouth Ben)?

Nancy: You're the best mom in the world.

Narrator: The end.

Then, because you'd obviously want to know more about the literary genius who came up with this ground-breaking plot:

About the Author

Sada is 11½ years old and in the fifth grade at Fairfax Elementary School. She likes to read, write and draw. Sada also enjoys ice skating and swimming. She likes arts and crafts as well. She lives with her mother, her father, sister, brother, turtle, Jaws, and the guinea pigs, Baby, Rosie, and Peachy.

The turtle's name was Jaws. I did not live with the island-terrorizing great white shark.

NEXT TIME: If I can find it, the CANDY CRACK play! If not, something else.

Only in My Dreams

Last night I dreamed about this blog.

I'm serious.

Specifically, I dreamed that I found extra pages in the Syra Cuse story (but only a couple of extra pages, because I'm realistic even when I'm unconscious) and a book about a bunch of gymnastics whizzes who also happened to be quintuplets. There were even illustrations. (I think it goes without saying, but YES, they were awesome.)

Should I be worried about this? Do I need an intervention? How much blogging is too much???

Janet Started the Fire, Part 2

LAST TIME: Janet lost her 98 lifelong friends when she moved three years ago and has been desperate for true friendship ever since. However, that didn't stop her from introducing us to about half of the fourth grade, including the argumentative Teresa, who enjoys faking people out by pretending to cry, and popular Joe Federer (who is sooooooooooooooooooooo, etc., CUTE!). Serendipitously, a nearby elementary school just burned down, which meant Jan's class would be getting 18 new students! Jan agreed to show one of them around and ended up with Amber Bennett, who she hoped wouldn't suck. But first, all of the new kids have to introduce themselves via personal speech in a grade-wide assembly, conveniently allowing Jan to weed out any losers from the crop of potential "true friends."

We're going to the assembly with our Language Arts Social Studies class in 34 seconds Yea! The bell just rang (early) Everyone rushed to their seats until Mr. Bennett walked in. "Line up quickly without any talking" Mr. Bennett said in his deep voice. Everyone was silent and that was very unusual for OUR Language Arts Class. When we got down to the all-purpose room Ms. Parker was up in the front where there was a microphone waiting for her. All of the classes were seated and Ms. Parker started a long speach. Just then Teresa passed me a note. It read:


Can you read that? It asks Jan which route she's going to take with the new student (Route 1, Route 2, or Route 3) and whether she can come over on Friday after school for a sleepover. (I realize the giant NO is the most visible part of the note, but you should actually ignore that. Sorry.)

I filled in ROUTE 2 and passed it to Teresa. I mouthed "I'll ask my mom" she nodded and I smiled. You probably are wondering why she signed a heart at the bottom of the note. It's because I gave her that stamp last year in math. I gave it to her for Christmas. (late Christmas)

Teresa got in a little trouble but, none of the teachers took the note away. Teresa's friendship with me isn't going to last because we tried it before and it didn't work out right, like we don't have the same interests and sometimes I'm too serious for her. And I really DON'T want to be BEST FRIENDS, but, just friends. I just won't ask my mom if I can sleepover.

Oh my God, finding a best friend in elementary school is like dating!

YES, Ms. Parker's speach is over. Nina made a pretty good speach about our school. (that's not her) Then, Jimmy made one. Suzy made 1, also, and then our princapal made one and it was time for Marissa Jintar.

Let the friend-scouting begin!

"Um, my namis Marissa Jintar and I'm 10 years old. I love to ice-skate and write letters to ALL my pen-pals. I hope this school is just like you said it is. Thank you for listening to my speach quietly",

"What a bozo!" I felt like yelling. She thinks she's little miss perfect. GET OUT! I sort of like ice-skating also, but that doesn't mean we're perfect friends. She looked pretty nice (and NEAT) Her hair was black in a pony tail with hazel eyes and a blue ribbon and a blue dress the exact color of her ribbon. YUCK!

I'm sorry, did I say "let the friend-scouting begin"? What I meant was "let the obnoxious, and quite possibly hypocritical, snap judgments begin."

Now, for um Rita Cophr. It sounds like a pretty O.K. name um but sort of, WELL, STRANGE.

"hi um well i'm rita cophr and um well there's really not much else to say, um well, my hobbies are playing with clay and um, well, that's all BYE!" she said and ran off.

Sort of UM, WELL, NERVOUS, VERY NERVOUS. But, we do have something in common, we both like pottery and clay. UM, WELL, she's better than Marissa. She looks cute, not pretty, but, cute she's sort of, well more short than tall. she's not real short, but more short than tall. She was wearing black streach pants and a black sweatshirt with designs all over it. GETTING BETTER!

Poor Rita Cophr. Her outfit sounds awesome, though.

"My name is Lynn..........Spencer, I like to draw, play hand games, and listen to the radio all the time, and I LOVE BOYS, SEE YOU",

Lynn's almost perfect, except she talks too fast. [Okay, Seinfeld.] She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She looks very popular. She's probably going to be in Nina's gang with Sara. Oh well, it was worth a try.

Burt Gold, A nerd a nerd, NERD ALERT! Well, that's before I saw him. He's about 3 inches taller than me and ever cuter than Joe Federer. Nina will get him for sure. Sara'll dump Joe for him. (any time) now he's probably the hit of the fourth grade. The PERFECT best friend for Joe Federer (OF COURSE)

"hi, my name is Burt, but don't call me that. Call me Steve. I have 2 sisters, their names are: Katie and Beth. Katie is 8 and Beth is 4½. My mom and dad are divorced. I live with my dad, so do my sisters", Steve said. I see why he doesn't want to be called 'Burt'. He has on faded jeans and a tee-shirt that said "NANTUCKET"

CALL ME STEVE! Oh man, you guys...

"Hello, my name is Connie Fredericks. I love babysitting, collecting stickers and posters, and swimming."

PERFECT, she had on a tee-shirt that said 'FRIENDS FOREVER' and a skirt that went down a little past her knee. It was a jean skirt. If you looked real close there was a gold necklace and chain that had a broken heart, I think it read 'FRIENDS'.

How close are you looking, Jan? Yeesh.

A little boy, well not little, about my height or ½ an inch taller. He was o.k. he said "Hi, I'm Jeff Coburn, I like to read, ride on roller-coasters, and take pictures."

He's pretty, well, O.K. There's really not much else to say about him. He probably won't make it into Steve's gang.

The fourth grade social hierarchy is extremely important to Jan.

"hi you all, I am the 1 and only Sheriece Penn. I like to braid hair, listen and dance to the radio and have fun",

GROSS, she wants to have fun. SICK! I like braiding hair, listening to the radio, not dancing or having fun. NOT AT ALL.

Wow, good thing Suzy picked Sheriece first. Jan really dodged a bullet! She came THAT CLOSE to having fun! SICK!!!

"My name is Jennifer, I love rap music and hate reptiles, lizards, and all those slimy creatures", she said quietly.

I think lizards are NEAT, I hate RAP, some's O.K., but, I'd never LOVE rap. NO!

"Hi" Lindsay said cheerfully, "I like to make jewelry, out of old jewelry, I love chinese food, my dog, Scruffy, and beating up on my little sisters."

PERFECT [the beating up on her sisters clinched it!], also, she was wearing a jean dress, had her hair up in a side ponytail [yesssss!] and had on some jewelry, (she made).

"Hi, I'm Micheal Shick. I love to make sculptures out of clay and bread dough and I love to go fishing," he said unsure.

Uh, you guys, the bread dough thing KILLS ME. Fucking bread dough! And he WILLINGLY TELLS THEM ABOUT IT!

He had on sweat pants and a shirt, I sure do hope he has on a shirt. He has brown hair and hazel eyes.

"Hi, our names are Jeremy and Jason. We're twins, we both like to play on our new nintendo", they said at the exact same time.

They both had on black socks, the same tennis shoes, shirts that say 'BROTHERS' and pants.

I sure do hope they have on pants. They could probably stand to lose the BROTHERS shirts though.

"Hi, I'm Mark Smith, I like to make collages out of messed up photography pictures and I love to talk about boglins" he practically yelled.

There's getting stranger and stranger by the second. Talking about boglins? There's nothing to talk about. They're outrageous creatures that come alive in your hands.

"Outrageous creatures that come alive in your hands" was, in fact, their tagline.

"My name is Gary ROCK, ha just kidding, my name's Gary STONE. HA, get it? I love making practical jokes on everybody", he laughed.

HOW STUPID! He thinks that's funny. It's funny because he sounds so DUMB! [Welcome to the best kind of humor, Jan.] He has on cordoroy pants and a really strange and dumb-looking shirt. YUCK!

"I'm Patrick Jaffee, I like studying different animals, especially monkies, chimpanzees, and gorillas. I like pictures of chimpanzees, gorillas, and monkeys," he said sort of quiet.

O.K. I guess, he's sort of NERDY. I like the part about pictures of all those cute animals.

"I am Tarrence Turner call me T.T. better yet call me DOUBLE T or maybe even Mr. T. I love rap and nothin' else," He said trying to act COOL.

"I'm Amber, I like babysitting, collecting all kinds of stuffed animals and making friendship braceletes for money and I like to have little school carnivals, plays, bakes sales and stuff like that to raise money for new school stuff such as: Money for dances, and extra supplies and little things like that",

All the teachers clapped after Amber made her speach. Especially Mr. Bennett. [Do you guys see where this was going? Mr. BENNETT? Amber BENNETT?] She was wearing her hair in a loose pony tail in the back, a pink sweat shirt and pink stretch pants, pink socks, and pink tennis shoes. PERFECT!

Uh, what? She wanted to yell "What a bozo!" at poor Marissa Jintar just because her ribbon matched her dress, but Amber Bennett is perfect? She wants to hold bake sales to buy school supplies! For FUN! To me that says a nerd, a nerd, NERD ALERT. And she's wearing an ENTIRELY PINK OUTFIT! I guess I just don't understand the criteria on Jan's friendship-o-meter.

"I'm Mandi Berg, I like reading, having parties, listening to the radio and talking on the phone," she said loud and clear.

She had on a 'FRIENDS FOREVER' shirt, a gold chain and necklace broke in half that read 'FOREVER', and she had on the exact same thing as Connie, a jean skirt that came a little past her knee. So, there goes Mandi and Connie.

Were the names Mandy and Teresa really that popular in the late '80s or were my sister and I just weird?

I'll go for Amber, Lindsay, and nobody else. Amber seems nicer and more, WELL, suitable for me. I have a perfect plan to ask her to come over today at ROUTE 2. I hope Teresa isn't really mad I'm inviting Amber over the first day I meet her. Oh well, if she doesn't like it that'll be her problem.

Um, EXACTLY LIKE DATING! Having her over the first day you meet her, bah ha!

By the time everyone's speach was over it was time to go home. ROUTE 2 will have to wait until tomorrow. That night, we had to clean the bunny cage. Shannon always hides in the cage while I do all the work. Their names are Fluffy and Bun-bun. I named Bun-bun and Shannon named Fluffy.

Genie and I were ever-so-slightly obsessed with rabbits in the elementary years. Though I must point out that in real life, MY rabbit's name was Bun-bun; Genie's rabbit was Cottontail. As you can tell, we got SUPER creative with the rabbit names.

I only had homework in math because we weren't in Language Arts to have homework. I forgot to tell you about Social Studies. I go to Social Studies this week. Health next week and Science the week after that. Mom said Amber seems like she's nice. Mom's stupid. She couldn't help me with long division when I got stuck one time. Sometimes she's really strange. Teresa is really getting on my nerves. After the bell rang she reminded me to ask my mom. I seriously hope she forgets to ask me tomorrow. I should just tell her straight forward I don't think our friendship is

...And that's it. I'm relieved to see I wasn't the only one who gave up on my stories mid-fucking-sentence. Although I think you can see what happened: All of the characters had been introduced—so, really, what's the point of continuing? To further the PLOT? Barfoh! Way, WAY less fun.

So sad, though, that we're left with so many unanswered questions: Was Amber Bennett Jan's true friend? Even though the drastically unattractive Mr. Bennett was (obvs!) her dad? Or was Teresa her true friend after all, despite their bickering and lack of commonalities? (And must they consult eHarmony to get to the bottom of it?) Did Joe Federer ever walk up to Jan for real? Did anyone call Tarrance Turner Double T? Or even Mr. T? And did Jan ever end up having any fun? (SICK!)

I think there's one thing we can say with certainty, however: Amber Bennett was better than Michael Shick. How do we know? Two words: bread dough.

NEXT TIME: More guest authors! Why not? Learn about the origins of Valentine's Day via obie119's historical horse fiction (yeah, you heard me). Plus, discover what BadKat was like as a BadKitten—and also what the weather was like in Minneapolis in 1993.

Janet Started the Fire, Part 1

Almost as soon as I had the idea for this blog, I called my sister, Genie, and begged her to let me publish this story. Seriously. I hadn't read it in years and I hadn't even started the freaking blog, but I had vivid, vivid memories of this story—and nearly all of them induced pee-your-pants-type laughter.

Genie was a year behind me in school, and this was written when she was in fourth grade, making the year either 1988 or 1989. As I said last time, it's untitled, but that does not detract even a millimeter from its hilarity.

Hi, all you people! I'm Janet Smith. I have 2 adorable bunnies. They're dutch. (We think) One is tanish brown, the other is lighter. I used to have like 98 fish, when I was 7½, but, when we moved here mom said, "We shouldn't risk the chance of them dying, why don't we give them to your teacher? She'd love them for a school pet. Don't you think?" I really didn't want to give them up. I had one since I was 3 or 4. I finally agreed to let them take the fish as a school pet. Those fish were my life long friends.

Do you see what I mean? We're only one paragraph in and already it's amazing! Oh, and don't worry, we're going to get the plot in a jiff:

Speaking of friends, I'm an on-off friend for almost everybody. Like, if somebody gets in a fight I'm their friend until they make up, or if somebody's friend went on vacation I play with that person until they come back. No one has ever been my true friend since I was 7, before I moved here. Her name was Susan Kroferman. Sometimes she sends me postcards in the summer from California (That's where she spends her vacation) The only friend I've had for more than a week was Staci Montgomery. We were friends for a month and 9 days. [Not that anyone's counting.] She moved away. Now, I don't have any at all, but there's hope. Tomorrow we're getting a lot of new students because their school had a fire. I can't wait.

She seems a bit gleeful over the other school's misfortune, doesn't she? Genie says she was always super excited when there would be a new kid at school (due to the true friendship potential), so what better than a plot contrivance that creates, like, a JILLION new kids?

Also, I think the substitute friend thing is pretty cute. Mad fourth grade props, Genie!

Today, I woke up real nervous. Mom said I should think about how the new kids feel. I ignored her and put on my new faded jeans, a tee-shirt with black letters that reads:

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GENIUS!

then, I took it off because they'd probably think I had a bad sense of humor, so I put on my tee-shirt that reads:

What A Kid!

I hope I put on this shirt for a reason. Before the bell rings every day we talk, play or you know, WHATEVER! I usually swing on the swing on the left. The farthest to the left. I swing for about 30 minutes every day in the morning. I come to school early with my little sister, Shannon, who is in 2nd grade. She's pretty nice, SOMETIMES.

But, one time when Stacy slept over and she put peanut butter and jelly all over our hairbrushes because I always come into the bathroom and 10:00 or 11:00 at night to brush my hair.

Uh, I know her name is Jan, but that just screams Marcia.

The bell just rang. No one looks NEW. Betsy just walked over. "HI!" I smiled. "So, ya think any rad-lookin' guys are gonna come? I truly hope so, I mean, I'm not going with anyone now, so somebody can ask ME to the dance" she squeaked. "oh, I hope somebody'll ask me to go with them."

We were always hoping there would be a dance in elementary school, but there never was.

"Nobody asked you yet? Boy, I thought you were gonna get asked first I mean you're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pretty but, Sara McClaw got asked by Joe Federer. He's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo CUTE! I thought he was gonna ask you, BYE!" she smiled and walked to her homeroom class swaying her hips from side to side. I was impressed!

BWAH!!! By the way, Joe Federer is like this story's Jordan Catalano. As in, he's hot (uh, fourth grade hot) and usually referred to by his full name. (Actually, for all we know, Joe Federer could also be dyslexic and in a band called Frozen Embryos—he's somewhat of a mystery really.)

I have had a crush on Joe since I started this school. I bet some nerd is going to ask me. Probably Stephen Kinderkofferman. Mrs. Kinderkofferman. GET OUT! He's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, etc. UGLY!

Just so you know, I did not add in the "etc."; it is actually in the manuscript. And I'm counting out the exact number of o's in each sooooooooooooooo. I'm a slave to authenticity.

Oh, god, I'm late for homeroom. GOTTA GO! Mrs. Slater will introduce our new students in Reading at 1:00, a little after lunch in the all-purpose room for an assembly, each student that was chosen will read their speach about our school, next the new students will come on stage and do their speach, time to go to MATH! I didn't know the new kids were going to have to give a speach about themselves, if I had to do that I'd be so shy! I'm usually not shy AT ALL! except when I'm new or something like that. But, if you were really shy you'd be even shyer, I mean in front of a whole grade (4th). I can't wait until after lunch I hope I find my true-friend, SOON!

I love how they have to give speeches. Like, oh, your school burned down, and not only do you have to start over at a new school, you have to stand up in front of the entire grade and give a SPEECH ABOUT YOURSELF. As a terminally shy child, that would have been my nightmare. I had to go to a new school in second grade, and although I didn't have to give any speeches on my first day, someone did steal my lunch, which was quite enough trauma for me, thanks.

(I think) Math was boring, as usual, long division the whole time. BORING! And long division homework. Ms. Parker is my homeroom teacher, Mrs. Long is my math teacher, Ms. Slater for social studies, science and health, and Mrs. Long is also my language Arts teacher. Ms. Slater is nice, (but talks too fast) has LONG brown hair that's curly and the prettiest eyes. Mrs. Long is the perfect teacher except she gives out too much HOMEWORK! Ms. Slater can be nice and sometimes she can be REAL MEAN! She has stringy blondish-brownish hair and hazel eyes. Ms. Long is into poetry. Reading poetry, writing poems, stuff like that. In reading I'll tell you a poem I wrote Monday (today is Wednesday) OH MY GOD! Joe Federer just walked up to me! Oh nevermind, I'm imagining it. DARN! Ms. Slater has a sub it's a man, he's ugly! He has black hair and a big nose. GREAT, he'll have to announce the new students. They'll think all the teachers look like that. GROSS! His name is Mr. Bennett. He just wrote it on the chalkboard with pink chalk in excellent cursive. oh god, Nina, the over developed slob who everybody likes is back from California, she has a great tan. "Hi Nina!" I yelled to her.

So I broke it up, but starting with "I have had a crush on Joe..." that was all ONE PARAGRAPH. (My favorite part: imaginary Joe Federer!) Genie kind of had a stream-of-consciousness style that was ahead of her time. Or at least her age group. But back to Nina, the overdeveloped slob who everybody likes:

"Hi Jan, did I miss anything?" she said in her kind of voice she has when she's talking to boys.

"Yea, we're still doing poetry in Language Arts" - just then somebody pushed in front of me.

"Oh gosh, that was Tony Refter, he's really CUTE" We both said at almost the same time.

"BYE!" she yelled, chasing after him. She's getting better, but she's too popular for me. If I were to hang out with her my legs would hurt so much, because she chases the boys around all the time. I have to go to lunch, I stay. My lunch teacher is Mrs. Gold. She has the best hair to mess around with. First we go outside, then eat. Usually I mess with her hair when we're outside, because 1 time I messed with her hair while I was eating and her hair went all over my whole lunch and I was starving because I didn't want to eat hair. But (this is the only time I'll say this) I can't wait until lunch is over!

Eating hair! Hope I didn't ruin your lunch.

"Hi Janet", Ms. Long said "would you like to guide 1 of our new students around the building? We really need your help."

"Sure! I can't wait!" I said smiling my head off. Ms. Long handed me a sheet of paper with names all over it. But at the top it read:

NEW STUDENTS!

The jillion new students are also an excellent excuse to come up with a buttload of character names.

[Sorry, there's no #1]
#2. Marissa Jintar
#3. Rita Cophr
#4. Lynn Spencer
#5. Burt Gold
#6. Connie Fredricks
#7. Jeff Coburn
#8. Sheriece Penn
#9. Jennifer Moore
#10. Lindsay Cooperman
#11. Micheal Shick
#12. Jason Blackfield
#13. Jeremy Blackfield
#14. Mark Smith
#15. Gary Stone
#16. Patrick Jaffee
#17. Tarrence Turner
#18. Amber Bennett
#19. Mandi Berg

I'll take around-um, I'll look at it again. Sheriece, I'll take around Sheriece Penn. It seems like a nice name. Indoor recess today. It's better than outside. I'll do races. I'm really good at track and running. The last time we had indoor recess I beat Nina, Joe, Teresa, Carla, Mike and Lucy. There's some people you need to meet. First Teresa, I used to sit next to her in Language Arts and Math. She has black hair and brown eyes, she's really funny and is always goofing off. Suzy, who is my patient now. Her best friend Valerie is on vacation until January 21, (today is January 18.) Suzy and Valerie LOVE boys! And always wear matching outfits. Mike is one of those boys that you can only be friends with. I mean we've been friends since I moved here in 2nd grade and I'll tell ya he is so generous. On his birthday he brought in cake and gave me, only me 2 pieces. [So, actually not generous at all...] Somebody told and Mike hit them. He was protecting me. Poor LITTLE me.

Next, Lucy, she's little and thin, very thin! She loves to draw and is good at it, too.

Tammy, oh boy is she a trouble maker. I'll tell ya in 3rd grade on the last day of school she took the cake and put it on our teacher's seat and BOY DID SHE GET IN TROUBLE! She couldn't have any sweets or cake or candy or anything like that.

Technically, I don't think anyone could have cake after that.

Now, Carla, I took gymnastics with her in the summer last year. Also, we took swimming and pottery together in that same summer. My mother & her mother were good friends in that summer. Whenever we were at a class they'd sit at either of our houses and talk about $mOnEy$ or school or boring stuff like that.

Jimmy and Jodi are twins, sometimes on Halloween Jimmy dresses up as Jodi and Jodi dresses up like Jimmy. Jodi is tall, but very pretty. Jimmy looks the same as her except he's cute. They're both REAL TALL, have blonde hair and brown eyes.

And last but not LEAST Ray. Ray has tan hair and a great sense of humor, and is really nice. But usually I don't show that I like him.

If you haven't realized it yet, Jan is kind of a ass.

I had to tell you those names because they'll be in this story later, alright? I think instead of races today I'll talk to Teresa. When you talk to her the time passes quickly. Quicker than when you stand in line to race.

"Hello, Ms. Teresa, what's the matter? Why are you crying?" I asked calmly.

"I just wanted to trick somebody and it worked. HA! I thought you'd know I was faking" she laughed, "Why aren't you racing? You always race and you beat almost everybody that's playing, That's why I never race, because if I lost everybody would make fun of me and then my whole reputation would be ruined,"

"That's not true at all and you know it" I exclaimed

"But last year Mike made fun of me cause I couldn't run as fast as Joe Federer" she said.

"Mike can't even run as fast as Joe and you know that, too!" I almost yelled at Teresa.

"But you can run faster, you can run faster than anybody and YOU know that," she YELLED at me.

"But we're not talking about me and that doesn't matter anyways you can make every body laugh, even when Ms. Slater's in a bad mood you can make her form a smile and sometimes a laugh in seconds" I said, smiling.

The whistle blew [because time flies when you're arguing with Teresa] and Teresa said "Sorry I yelled at you. I'll see you in Language Arts."

"Oh, Sorry I'm not going to be in Language Arts, I'm walking a new student around,"

"Oh, I forgot, too. I'm walking around um Lindsay Cooperman. I'll walk with you and your person. O.K?"

"O.K. BYE!" I ran to my line and walked to the classroom and sat down with Suzy, pulled out my lunch bag and examined a tuna sandwich, doritos, salami and thermos of applejuice. Not the best lunch at all! Oh yea SILENT LUNCH UNTIL NEXT MONDAY, Barfoh! Silent lunch is really DUMB all you do is eat and you can't even mess with Mrs. Gold's hair! Mrs. Slater made silent lunch up. Most of the time Suzy and I make faces at Mrs. Slater. Now Ms. Parker is doing Ms. Slater's job with silent lunch.

You can't even mess with Mrs. Gold's hair? BARFOH! Screw you, silent lunch! Actually, silent lunch only happened if you were baaaaaaaaad, so I wonder what they did. My second grade class drove our lunch monitor, Mrs. Lauderdale, to outright QUIT. I don't recall all of our terror tactics, but I definitely remember one boy "surfing" his desk, and there may have been some taunting songs as well.

"Um, the people that are taking around new students Ms. Long wants to have a speech [I think this correct spelling is actually a typo!] about what places you're going to show them" Ms. Gold explained to us.

Geez, Ms. Long, cool it with the speeches already!

Suzy took Sheriece before I did, the only people left were Amber Bennett and Micheal Shick. I took Amber Bennett. I hope she really is better than Micheal Shick.

I think I'll leave you with that crazy cliffhanger.

NEXT TIME: The results of the Amber Bennett/Michael Shick showdown! Plus, all the kids make their speaches. And if you think this story couldn't get any better, you are SO WRONG!