Welcome to Tademy Academy: Part 2

LAST TIME: Our narrator, Frankie "Franks and Beans" Chapman (I am so waiting for someone to address her as "Franks and Beans") and her pals spent upwards of five hours picking out clothing for the first day of 7th grade, only to end up in Aeropostale jeans and Keds. WTF? Meanwhile, they were asked to pledge Tademy Academy's most exclusive "social society"—and unabashed drill team mafia—the Deltas. But in order to join the Deltas, the gals have to do "something spiteful, something forward, something embarrassing, and something scandalous"— and of course, something involving Axe body spray.

When we left off, Frankie had just Dropped the Donut onto the chair of one Ella Gris, leaving her with a Boston Creme backside. Still to come: Fliss must tip Tara Luna's tray in the cafeteria; Kenny will leave a forged love note in Charlotte Reyes' locker; Lyndz has to cut off Casey Wallace's ponytail; and Rosie (the orphaned Texan with the fake British accent) has to rig Raquel Weaver's locker with frogs that will chase her toward a magical banana peel that somehow triggers a bucket of chili to empty its contents onto her head. Like taking candy from a frigging baby!

Baby: Raquel Weaver; Dude with the giant lollipop: Rosie Fine

(Not pictured: Frogs, banana peel, bucket of chili)

As I said last time, our 14-year-old guest author, Kylie, claims she wrote this story when she was in fourth grade—but as Detective TKOG pointed out, Juno was released in 2007 and Bumpits weren't on the market until 2008. Kylie? You can come clean. We don't care if you wrote this last year. One thing we're not disputing is that this story is stellar. Also not in dispute: the fact that I would transfer out of Tademy Academy faster than you can say "bucket of chili."

Welcome to Tademy Academy

Ch. 2

After I DTDed, Fliss collected her ammo. Her weapons of choice: a plate of spaghetti, yogurt, and chocolate milk. She started her walk of shame towards Tara. I was so excited. Who’s dissing my Keds now?

Sada says: So this is the point at which I realized that Tademy's social societies aren't terrorizing unpopular kids—they're going after each other! They're basically warring factions of pretty people. It would be like if the cast of 90210 went to Bayside High, and Lisa Turtle made Brenda Walsh sit on a donut, and then Jessi Spano dumped a bucket of chili on Donna Martin's head. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome.

Fliss walked slowly, with all loose strands of her sunset brown hair tucked behind her ears. Soon, she was right in front of Tara, who had just put her own tray down. Fliss cringed from fear, tilted her tray, and food went flying all over Tara. There was spaghetti in her hair, yogurt all over one of her rich fashion designer shirts, and chocolate milk all over her Skechers.

Sada says: I love how Frankie name-checks Skechers but doesn't specify the "rich fashion designer" behind Tara's shirt.

“ Nice look, Tara,” Fliss said.

“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” Tara yelled. But no one heard her, because they were all pointing and whispering about her. Pointing, whispering, and giggling.

After that, we all went to our dorms.

“Okay, guys,” Kenny said. “How should I write the letter?” After putting our heads together, we wrote this and sprayed it with the Axe.

Kylie says: I am cringing as I read this. I mean, "Who’s dissing my Keds now?" And "ammo"? And "sunset brown hair"? What the hell? And Axe? Oh, what great humiliation!

Sada says: YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT THE AXE! The repeated Axe bashing is one of my favorite things about this story. Or maybe one of my favorite things about anything, ever. Also, wait, are you saying that sunsets in Australia are not brown?

Dearest Darling Charlotte,

I have admired you from afar since the second grade. Maybe you won’t believe me, but I love you. If you say you don’t love me, it will break my heart. So please say yes. If you love me too, meet me by the fountain in the courtyard at your school at 3:00. Don’t worry about missing that assembly. It’s not even mandatory. I know about the assembly because I saw the flyer you designed. You’re the best artist ever! As soon as we meet, we can talk even more about this beautiful relationship in bloom.

XOXO,

Dominick Fitch

We were inspired by the love letter in the book, Bridge to Terabithia, we must admit.

Kylie says: As in, I was really lazy, so I stole half the letter from Bridge to Terabithia.

Sada says: But nice—and not at all creepy—addition about the non-mandatory school assembly. Romantic!

We shoved it into her locker the next day, while it still reeked off Axe. We woke the next morning at 7:00 am and got dressed. Then, we went into the hallway.

“Ew, what’s that smell?”

“I think it’s coming from Charlotte’s locker.”

Charlotte walked into the hall. “ Ew, what died in my locker?” She opened it up, and traced it to the Letter.

Sada says: In case you missed it, Axe body spray? Smells like death.

“Someone has a secret admirer,” said Piper Tademy.

“OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

“Open the letter,” Kenny insisted sheepishly. She started shuffling her sneakers, and averted her eyes from Charlotte.

After Charlotte read the letter, she sighed and said, “Dominick Fitch.”

The day seemed to drag on and on until Assembly. Then, all eight girls who were in the hall came out to watch. It was 3:30, 4:00, and then the dreaded 4:30.

Sada says: Not the dreaded 4:30! Anything but that!

It had been a full hour, and Dominick hadn’t showed up yet.

Charlotte decided to text him.

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

Dom, where are you? I’ve been waiting for an hour!!!!

From: Dominick

To: Charlotte

For what?

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

Aren’t you meeting me to talk about our relationship?????? You wrote me that letter. You do want to meet at the fountain in the courtyard at Tademy Academy, right? Did you mean the fountain in the park? Or the one at Carlyle College?

Sada says: That is SO more than 160 characters. Plus, you could really get your fountains crossed in this town. Yeesh.

From: Dominick

To: Charlotte

I don’t now what you’re talking about. What letter?

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

The love letter you left me in my locker. It smelled like Axe but that’s totally forgivable.

Sada says: Is it, though? IS IT?

From: Dominick

To: Charlotte

I never wrote you a letter. I don’t even know your last name.

I’m serious.

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

Oh. I’m sorry I bothered you.

After that, something that never happens happened. Charlotte Reyes screamed, went up to Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes, her rival, and punched her in the face. It was a very unCharlotte thing to do. Usually, Charlotte would burst into tears and run away. I guess that she finally had enough. At least she didn’t know it was Kenny, or else she would have had a serious nose bleed like Carter.

Kylie says: Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes???? What the hell was I thinking????

Sada says: This is why two people with hyphenated names should never breed. Take heed, blog readers.

Ch.3

“I feel like a total…..a total…. Ugh, I can’t even say it,” Kenny said.

“Jerk?,” Fliss said.

“Me too.”

“ Ugggh,” I moaned. I didn’t know it would be this bad. Is being a Delta really worth it?

Just then, we heard a knock on our door.

“ I’ll get it,” Rosie shouted.

It was Carter. She had a giant welt on her nose. “ I was wondering if, like, any of you guys had one of those large nose bandages? I kinda need one? The nurse’s office is all out?”

The nurse's office RAN OUT of nose bandages??
Although I guess I can see why the girls at Tademy would be throwing lots of punches.

“What happened to Charlotte,” Kenny asked nervously.

“Like, nothing? Like, I would never tell on a fellow Tademian? I just said someone accidentally threw a volleyball at me? All I know is that I didn’t write that letter? I mean, I hate Charlotte, but not enough to stink up her locker with Axe? I mean, I don’t even own Axe, and….. OHMYGOD!? There is, like, Axe on your dresser? Kenny, it’s like all your fault?

No wonder you looked so, like, ashamed?”

Kylie says: Oh, Carter is a dumbass! At least she catches on fast.

Sada says: She might have a mile-long name and turn every sentence into a question, but Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes is the only character in this story with ethics. She would never tell on a fellow Tademian, and she flat-out says that she wouldn't wish Axe body spray on her worst enemy.

I realized then that maybe we didn’t want to be Deltas after all. But that was a huge maybe. One part of me didn’t think it was worth it. Another part, the larger part wanted it so badly it would kill.

Sada says: NO. WAY. Did she just imply that it's a short road from Boston creme butt to MURDER? God, I hope Andy Tachman doesn't find out about this. (squeal!)

I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was to be afraid of Carter Gonzalez-Fiore-Mason-Barnes.

******************

“OMG. Kenny, this will really cheer you up,” I said at lunch.

“ It’s worth a shot,” Kenny sighed.

“ Guess what movie they’re showing at the Carlyle College Performing Arts Center.”

“ No way! EEEEKKK!!!!”

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 16

7:00 PM

WISH UPON A STAR

Sada says: According to IMDB, this movie is a Freaky Friday ripoff about a brainy girl whose wish to trade places with her popular idiot of a sister comes true, and in the process everyone learns a little something about themselves and each other. (I'm paraphrasing.)

“Wait,” Lyndz said. “Today’s the day I pledge.”

We all groaned.

“Here comes Casey now,” Rosie said.

Casey Wallace had wanted to be a TAS since the fourth grade, which, in my opinion, is not a very long time. Then again, Casey Wallace is not a very commited person.

Sada says: You have to have wanted it since you were FIVE, people! Five or NOTHING!

She sat down in her seat and Lyndz whipped out the safety scissors. She leaned slowly, towards Casey, and snipped off the whole ponytail at once. Casey didn’t even feel a thing.

Kylie says: OMFG. And that’s where I left off. Damn.

Sada says: I second that damn! I thought we were going to put frogs in Raquel's locker! I mean, WHERE IS THE BUCKET OF CHILI THAT I WAS PROMISED? This is very upsetting. Though, to be honest, as I read over the plan, I was like, "Hmmm... how are they getting away with this crap? Is it possible that all of the teachers at Tademy Academy are vision-impaired?"

But I regret that we'll never know whether guilt got the best of the girls, or if their lust for drill team glory and the lure of a guaranteed date to every dance were too strong. And did the TASes just take this abuse, or did they strike back and give the Deltas a bucketful of their own chili?

Um... does anyone know a fourth grade ghostwriter we could hand this off to?

NEXT TIME: The first in a series of hilariously terrible illustrations that I'm going to call Every Picture Tells a Story. Sixth grade will be coming soon, but in the meantime maybe I can post more than twice a month? I think I can, I think I can...

My Diary, part three

LAST TIME: Jenny (or Jen) continued to pour her heart out to her diary, Ashley, about her various fifth grade traumas: Sarah almost DIED of pneumonia, but only missed about two weeks of school. Abby lost a worrisome amount of weight, which was GREAT NEWS! That britch Gretchen broke her leg due to her extreme idiocy—and STILL managed to seduce Todd Swartz and his hair! Meanwhile, Jen's grandpa had a heart attack and the family went to Brockport to help out. How did Jen help? By being bitchy to her cousin Ellen and secretly watching her brother make out through a hole in the floor. But it turned out Ellen is a peeping Tom too, so she and Jen TOTALLY BONDED. Also, our heroine got a paint splatter sweatshirt for her birthday. Can this story get any awesomer? Let's find out.

1/26/89
Thrilling Thursday.

Dear Ashley,

I'm really mad at Gretchen. I'll never be friends with her, even if she comes and begs me to let her kiss my feet. I'd rather slit my wrists.

You guys? If we ever get in a fight, offering to make out with my feet is NOT the way to win me back. Just an FYI.

I was walking home with Sarah and Pesty Lucy and Todd was walking Gretchen home. Well I heard someone yell, "Jennnnyyy!" So, I turned around and it was Gretchen. Her and Todd started cracking up. So I turned around. Sarah said, "Ignore." So about 5 minutes later I turned around for some dumb reason. Gretchen was staring straight at me but Todd didn't notice. Then she whispered something I couldn't hear and they started kissing.

Nooooooooooo! Seriously, there was only one fifth grade couple I knew who kissed (Terrence and Tacie), and I'm sorry to say they used to MAKE OUT on the school bus.

It wasn't as gross as Tony and Janie but they hurt me.

Terrence and Tacie, on the other hand? Grosser than you can possibly imagine.

I still found the note during class and I want to know why "Chipmunk" was walking home, with her broken leg and all but there are some things we never learn.

♥
-J

Jen is SO ZEN.

1/27/89
Freaky Friday.

Well, I guess I forgot to tell you what the note said. It said:

For the visually impaired, that's:

To my little Chipmunk-

How is your leg? I am so glad I'm walking you home today. We can talk. Meet me in the park tomorrow, OK?

L♥ve, Your Bear (Grizzly)

So anyway on the outside it said: To: Gretch From: Todd

So, Sarah had to go home for a doctor's appointment so me and Abby went to the park to wait for "Grizzly" and "Chipmunk". But Gretchen never came!!! Todd was down there with his friend, Joey. They were talking about Gretchen and saying too bad she couldn't come because of her leg and then they started laughing. But we couldn't figure out anything else because they started a snowball fight. Even though there was hardly any snow!

♥
-J

That is the single most realistic thing a boy in these books has done. Strictly the snowball part, that is.

1/28/89
Sunday Supreme.

We are staying with dad for a while because mom went back down to Brockport to take care of things at Grampa's house because Aunt Sue called to say that someone broke in last night! I got Ellen's address and we are going to be pen-pals! So I am going to write Ellen a letter. Dad let me bring my typewriter since it isn't that heavy. Then I'm going to type a story and put it in here so I'll always remember it. Dad is calling me because it's time to play Scrabble. Scrabble is so, so cool. I'm really good, I swear I am. Well, bye for now.

♥
-J

And then we're treated to this lovely drawing of Gretchen, who is apparently a pockmarked, cross-eyed bobblehead with a scrunchy for a body:



Hey, what happened to Jenny's actual pen pal? I seem to have forgotten that plotline in the midst of all of the voyeurism and near-death experiences. But although Kristina Martin (as portrayed by my sister) is never heard from again, the book's folder contains this:

January 21, 1989

Dear Jenny,

My mom and dad are divorced. My dad lives in Florida. I live with my mom and my little brother Ben who is 3½. I also live with my hamster, Snuffy, and my brother's turtle, (he got today) and my brother's turtle's fish (we also got today). My brother didn't name his turtle yet. Do you have any suggestions? Do you have any pets? I have to walk home a girl, also. Her name is Gretchen. She's pesty, too. I like ice-skating, except my mom never has the time to take me.

Yes, my sister did read a lot of Lurlene McDaniels.

My bestfriend is Judy. My X-friend or X-best friend is Veronica. Last year my teacher read us or started reading "The Diary of Anne Frank". I made resolutions in my diary. Did you make resolutions in your diary? We have so much in common. Don't you think? If you don't have any pets tell me what kind of pet you like or want.

Maybe this is what spawned the "gerbil named Tails" revelation?

I'm turning 11 on June 18. I can't wait. I have to eat dinner in 13 minutes I think. Well, I'm running out of paper.

Your truly,
Kristina E. Martin

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled melodrama.

1/29/89
Merciful Monday

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen asked me to sign her cast as a joke. So, I wrote:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made Gretchen
Well, we all make mistakes

And I mean it! -Jennifer S.

I HATE U, "CHIPMUNK"

You know she's serious because she signed it "Jennifer." Also, I am plagiarizing the BSC so hard, I probably owe Ann M. Martin royalties. That is the EXACT SAME passive-aggressive rhyme that Kristy scribbled on Claud's cast in Claudia and the Bad Joke. My friends and I were moderately obsessed with it, our favorite variation being:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made boys
Well, we all make mistakes

Obviously.

So, Gretchen got really mad and tried to hit me with her crutch but Sarah stood up and said to leave me alone and Gretchen was so surprised because Sarah used to be so quiet, not shy, quiet while Abby ran and got the teacher so, Gretchen had to stay after school which serves the little brich right. Sarah said her doctor's appointment was good and that she was all better and healthy. I could tell there was more. So I called her after school to find out - Sarah got her period!

♥
-J

Did the doctor, like, induce her period or something? I don't understand. Ew.

2/1/89
That's Thursday (Today)

Dear Ashley,

Well, it's over. My parents are divorced. It doesn't seem like it's really different. But mom is back and we're staying with her again because dad is moving. So he's packing and we would be in the way. But guess where he's moving to... Maine! And we get to see him for a month each summer and he's going to come down and see us for a week during Winter Break. I was crying when I heard. I am going to miss him so, so much. You don't realize how much you love a person until they are gone... or leaving. But we get to stay with him all next week. This weekend we are going to Brockport with mom and then dad drives down and picks us up and brings us back while mom stays all week and helps. We're leaving tomorrow.

♥
-J

2/2/89
Fabulous Friday

Dear Ashley,

We are driving down to Brockport. I'm in front! I can't wait to see Ellen. Tony's so excited about seeing Janie, he's been babbling about her all day. Right now, he's saying how she wrote him a letter saying that she will show him around town. I'll write letter since mom is trying to read over my shoulder!

While driving?! That doesn't seem safe, Edith.

Well, now it's 9:30. Tony is out at a movie with Janie. I'm baby-sitting Pesty but she's asleep. We ate dinner at Aunt Sue's. That pen was running out. Ellen showed me her friends, Debbie, Michelle, and Kris (Kristin). They are nice, all of them except Michelle, who's conceited. Ellen said she was showing off and sometimes gets carried away making a good impression.

That is totally grossed-out.

But then they were talking about boys at their school and I felt left out, but I didn't say anything. Mom just got back from the hospital. 'Bye.

♥
-J

2/4/89
SUNDAY

Hi! It's Ellen again! I have nothing to say! 'Bye!

Well, so much for Ellen's page. Mom said dad just pulled up and Pesty ran out and I can hear her scream, "Daddy-Poo!" How immature! Well, we're here in the car and it's safe to write. Lucy got to sit in front with dad (she always gets her way, I swear she does) and Tony's asleep. Mom said she has a surprise for us when we come back next weekend. Maybe we are giving Lucy up for adoption!

Ha ha ha ha.

I don't want to go back to school, but I can't wait to see Sarah or Abby. I really don't want to see Gretchen. I still like Todd, but he is really sick. I mean, he is so, so gross. Tony is waking up.

Bye, Ashley.

♥
-J

And then, for whatever reason, there's a picture of a hirsute Muppetlike character. And a pencil. Of course!


2/6/89

Dear Ashley,

Valentine's Day is in 8 days. Guess what, my lucky number is 5. I swear, that is the best number. A little birdie told me so. Me and Sarah and Abby made our valentines at Abby's after school. Abby looks like her dad but her mom is stick-skinny and looks like a model. Can you believe it? I can't.

Yeah, we know you can't.

Guess what else, Sarah has a boyfriend!!! This boy in our class, Ben, asked her yesterday!!! She is in true love and it is good for Sarah because she's never been in love before. I am so, so glad Sarah got over her pneumonia.

You guys, I think it's great that Sarah conquered her fear of death and all, but what the hell? Getting pneumonia makes you assertive AND it will snag you a man?! Where can I get pneumonia???

And guess what, Abby thinks Ben is a major hunk. I think he's pretty ugly and gross, like the rest of the boys at our school, but I didn't say so because they are my best friends and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I am so, so excited about mom's surprise. Maybe Lucy is a murderer and the police are putting her in a juvenile delinquent prison.

Oh. My. God. AWESOME.

But then I think about dad moving. I mean, Maine is so far away. I'm going to miss him so, so much.

♥
-J

2/8/89

Dear Ashley,

When I grow up I'm going to have a husband and two kids, one boy, one girl. The girl will be older and her name will be Ashley, like you. The boy's name will be Todd, after my long lost love.

Yes, you read that correctly. She's going to name her child AFTER HER DIARY.

I'll be writer of children's books and they'll publish my diaries when I die so I will be remembered but not embarrassed.

I used to think that if I ever became a famous writer and someone published a posthumous volume of my letters, people would be sorely, sorely disappointed.

I guess my husband won't be Todd, since it would be dumb to have two Todds in the family. I have yet to meet my true love. Maybe someday that will come true, but for now all I can think about is Gretchen getting her cast off tomorrow. I'll die. I like her better handicapped, not that I like her at all! Abby is so, so happy! She lost 11 pounds in less than two months, a little over one!

Yeah, I'd say a trip to the pediatrician is in order.

Dad rented a movie for us tonight. It was "The Lost Boys". That's a good movie! Corey Haim is so, so cute! Dad didn't let Lucy watch it because it's rated 'R'! Too bad for the little dirtbag!

♥
-J

2/9/89

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen didn't come to school today. Me and Sarah and Abby have a club called "US". Don't you think it's us? Well, our club is completely against Gretchen. We want revenge. With a capital R.

These girls need a hobby. With a capital H.

Angela McMurphy invited me to her Valentine's Day sleepover party, but I can't go because we are going to Brockport next weekend, just like we are this weekend. Guess what, Abby bought the three of us matching Friendship bracelets for the "US" club. Dad is dropping us off at Brockport today on his way to Maine. So that will be the last time I see dad until the summer. I start crying whenever I think about it.

See, she's not 100% cold-hearted britch. Maybe just 98%.

But today mom tells us her surprise. I can't wait. I'm so, so excited! I swear, it must have something to do with Lucy. I just know it. Dad says it's time to go. His house is empty. Well, good bye, house! Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Ashley!

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The surprise is revealed and—spoiler!—it does not involve Lucy being shipped off to kiddie prison.

We Can Live Without Boys... Can't We?, part 3

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Friends "Forever"

So, remember when I said these were all "chapter books"? I kind of lied. This one is utterly chapterless—but on the plus side, it has an actual ending! Woo hoo! Just don't get used to it...

Friends Forever

Should we keep a running tally of how many books have the word "friend" or some variation in the title? This is #2.

Mandy woke up early, fixed herself breakfast, (which was only cereal because that's all there was to eat) and rushed out of the door to meet Teresa. Over to the big oak tree. "Right, turn. Left, turn." she mumbled. Halfway there she remembered it was a Saturday. "Darn! All the way up here for nothing." She stumbled along the dirt road, kicking up dust.

If this were a normal book, we could be like, "Oh, Mandy lives in a rural area, has inattentive parents, and a life that is so hectic—at age nine—that she forgets what day it is." Here? These details mean nothing. Don't waste your time.

Then, "Hey!" It was Teresa.
"Hi Resa!"
"Why do you have your school stuff?"
She looked down. "Oh no."
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"It's a long story."
Teresa looked at her watch. "I've got plenty of time, Mand." [Oh, the wit. THE WIT.]
"Okay, I thought it was a school day . . . . "
Teresa giggled.
"Quit it, Resa. I forgot, okay?"
"Okay." she answered holding back another giggle, trying to escape.
"So I got up, ate cereal as usual, and went out. Halfway there I realized it was Saturday. Why are you up and out?"
"I called you, woke your mom up. She said you were out, so I figured you'd be out here somewhere."

Okay, she might have inattentive parents. That's kind of a theme in my books.

"Okay, wanna come to my place?"
"Okay, my mom won't mind."
"Good."
They ran to Mandy's and went in. They scampered [what are they, puppies?] up to her room.
"Let's listen to music!" she said.
"No." said Teresa. "First dress up."
"All right!"
They put on mini skirts and long sweaters and lace tights. [Of COURSE they did!]
"Now music!" Teresa screamed.
"Right on!" Mandy turned it on.
"Papa don't Preach" was on. They lip sanc. They danced and fell and did somersaults [in miniskirts, I'd like to point out].

Lip syncing was one of my top five favorite activities as an elementary schooler. My sister and I had a well-practiced routine for "Runaround Sue," one of the songs on the Rockin' Classics tape that we bought from McDonald's. We mainly performed for unsuspecting dinner guests.

When it was over, Mandy turned it off.
She bounced down on the bed. "Let's talk." she said.
Teresa crawled onto the bed.
"Who do you like?" Mandy questioned.
"As a boyfriend?"
"Yes."
"You go first."

The worst case scenario in these heart-to-hearts was that you both liked the SAME BOY (as a boyfriend), which happened to me on several occasions and tended to result in varying degrees of disaster. Fortunately, Mandy and Teresa have different taste in the mens.

"Okay, I think Patrick's cute."
"Does that mean you like him?"
"Yes."
Teresa giggled. "The boys call him Patty."
"So."
"He has a crush on Sally Crawford."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry."
"That's okay, who do you like."
"Timmy. Timmy Blake."
It was Mandy's turn to laugh. Mandy giggled.
"Stop."
Mandy giggled again.
"It's not funny. He doesn't know I exist."
Mandy burst out laughing.
"What's soo funny!" demanded Teresa.
"He likes you" answered Mandy between giggles.
"Go on." said Teresa.
"He was looking at you the other day. Staring at you." she said. "Like this." Mandy looked like a zombie.
They started giggling again.

Actually, I remember having conversations like this in elementary school. In fact, if you liked a boy you would ask your best friend to watch him (covertly, of course) to see if he was looking at you and, preferably, to keep a running tally of all such looks on a sheet of paper. At the end of the day, she would present you with the evidence.

"Teresa, honey, Teresa!" It was Mandy's mother. "Sweetie, your mom called. She said you have to come home for lunch. I would have you stay, but . . . . " [" . . . but I'm just giving Mandy cereal again anyway."]
Mandy slammed her door shut. They changed, went downstairs, and said goodbye.

Meanwhile, at Timmy's house, he and Patrick were talking too. "I like Teresa."
"She's nothing like Sally. Sally's beautiful. She has a . . . . . ."
"You've said it a million times! I don't want to hear it again!"
"Okay, but, she still does."

Don't you guys want to know what she has? A hot nine-year-old bod? A sweet collection of vintage Hot Wheels? A really professional phone manner? WHAT???

"Hey," said Timmy changing the subject. "What about Mandy, Teresa's best friend. She's in style and pretty cute. So."

I'm sure fashion sense was at the top of every nine-year-old boy's list of traits he desired in the opposite sex.

"So, I have a girlfriend!"
"Well I don't like 'little Sally Crawford.'"
"What about her?"
"She's a snob."
"So much for best friends!"
"Well, I don't like you either!"
"Bye, wimp!"
"So long crocodile brain!"
"SLAM!" went the door. Patrick was gone.

Um, you guys? I should have had way more boy POV in my stories. "Little Sally Crawford"? Wimp? CROCODILE BRAIN? This is awesome!

Back at Mandy's house, "BRRRIINGG!"
"Who dere?" asked Tommy. [I'm pretty sure this is Mandy's little brother and not a member of the Lightning Bolts, even though their speech is disturbingly similar.]
"It's not the doorbell. It's the phone."
"Oh. Who on de phon?"
Mandy giggled.
"Mandy, dear, it's Teresa!"
"Comin'!"
"Tomin'! Ha ha."
"Hi, Resa! Mom you can hang up."
"Oh."
"Click!"
"Hi Mandy."

So Teresa's phone dialogue is all written in mysterious shaky handwriting, which is either meant to denote her (spoiler!) impending illness or just the fact that she's on the other end of the phone, I'm not sure which. Reading it, though, makes me feel like "Teresa" is using a voice encoder and will at any minute start asking Mandy whether she likes scary movies.

"Are you O.K.? You sound sick."
"I'll be O.K."
"Uh-Huh"
"Meet me at the bench at recess."
"O.K. Bye!"
"Bye."
"Click!"
"Click!"

The next day Mandy did meet Teresa at recess. She had a note for her. [This part is kind of confusing. The note is actually to TERESA, and she's just showing to Mandy.]
"Resa!" Mandy helped her to the bench. "You, O.K."
"Yes. Here."
"Who's it from?"
"Timmy."
"Oh."
"He loves me."
"Oh."
"Nice."
"Yes."
"Tweet!" [I'm really enjoying how inanimate objects get their own dialogue in this story.]
"Bye Resa."
"Bye."


Timmy, just an FYI: If you sign your name, you kind of negate the whole "secret" part of secret admiration. Also, what nine-year-old boy dots his i's with hearts? (I was not the recipient of many secret admirer notes, if you couldn't tell.)

Back in school Theresa [whose name is suddenly spelled with an H] felt sick, but, wouldn't show it.
"Resa, you okay?"
"Yeah (yawn) fine."

Is that a yawn of extreme fatigue or extremely playing it cool? I can't tell.

"You, sure?"
"YES!!!!"
Mandy jumped.
"Uh-huh." She answered. "Fine."
But she wasn't. Screaming had made her weak, tired, and she shook. She was trying to get a drink not being strong enough she fell and fainted!
Timmy saw and rushed over calling to Mandy, "Mandy! Theresa fainted!!!"
"What???!!!" she screamed back. She was there in a second.

Yeah, I completely romanticized illness at this age. I thought that if you were horribly sick or fainted or something, this would make everyone (namely, boys) realize how wonderful you were and how desperately they loved you. Also, at some point in elementary school, my sister came down with pneumonia and missed a week or two of school, and her teacher had each of her classmates write her a get well card. Naturally, I was insanely jealous (yes, of her PNEUMONIA) and dreamed of someday contracting a disease of my own (preferably nonfatal) that would require everyone I knew to write me a card.

Mandy got a cold paper towel and put it on her hot forehead.
Timmy was going to carry her to the nurses' office [where the hell are their TEACHERS?], but, she was too heavy for one. Mandy was too scared to help and was comforted by Maria [???] who was very helpful.

She's cool with getting a paper towel but is too freaked out to help carry her? The hell?

"What's their problem?" asked [little] Sally [Crawford].
Mandy rolled her eyes. [Not so scared that she can't give a good eye roll, I see.]
"What a snob!" exclaimed Timmy.

Maybe, but she has a . . . . . . totally rad foosball table in her basement???

"Hey," called Patrick. "what's going on?"
"Teresa passed out! I can't get her to the Nurses' Office."
"I'll help you!" Patrick yelled. "Sally, you wait here."
"What? Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me you're actually going to help THEM. That's really sick! GOSH!"
"Yes, Sally, I AM."
"So long, PATTY!"

These fights are amazing. Let's cross our fingers for more fights in the upcoming books!

So they carried her there.
They all stayed and waited for her parents.

She's still unconscious and the nurse hasn't called 911? I smell a lawsuit.

Teresa did wake up. And, before she left she told Mandy, "Remember, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends forever."

Whoa, is she going to DIE? Teresa, you're not allowed to say shit like that in a book unless you're going to die. Please adhere to the rules.

Pat, Mand, and Tim all visited her in the hospital.
They were ALL friends forever.

THE END

Uh, what? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? What was wrong with Teresa? Did she ever get out of the hospital? Was "forever" like two weeks or what? Way to get all Lurlene McDaniels and then not follow through. Man! Even the ones with endings don't really have endings!

NEXT TIME: I experiment with playwriting in the riveting Gymnastics Camp. All on the gymnastics bus! (That's a quote, by the way.)