My Diary, part four

LAST TIME: Ashley the Diary had listen to Jenny (or Jen) go on and on about her really exciting fifth grade life. Jenny's parents' divorce at long last became final, and Jenny's dad was all, "YESSSSSS! Now I can ditch these bratty kids and gorge myself on McDonald's... in Maine!" Gretchen and Todd kissed, and I threw up in my mouth a little. Jen scribbled some passive-aggressive poetry on Gretchen's cast, and that dirty britch responded with crutch violence. Jen, Sarah, and Abby formed the "US" club to plot their revenge, because they have nothing better to do, with a capital N. Jenny's mom said she had a surprise, and Jen was POSITIVE it had to do with her 6-year-old sister being a mass murderer—and not the fact that they've been spending every weekend in Brockport visiting their ailing grandfather and other relatives. Surely not!

And now, I'm sorry to say, we have the final installment:

2/10/89

Dear Ashley,

I am really mad at my mom. Guess what her surprise is? We are moving too! We're moving down to where Ellen lives, a street away! It's so we can take care of Grampa. So he can recover.

I know it sounds like Jenny's confusing a heart attack with a stroke or something, but my own grandma had heart disease and she definitely had some periods where she was pretty effed up.

And my mom feels safer down here in New York where she grew up. She likes being down here with her two sisters. My other aunt is Aunt Mary. How can she do this to me!?! She already bought the house, so there is no backing out. We are going to see the house tomorrow and then we're going to Aunt Mary's so I can see my other cousins, Lisa, Eleanor, and Eddie. Eleanor is my age, too. My new school is called Friendship. Ellen told me. She says there are a lot of cute boys in the neighborhood! Ellen doesn't understand how I feel about leaving Sarah and Abby. I don't want to leave. I don't want to lose Sarah and Abby.

♥
-J

2/11/89

Dear Ashley,

I have a kitten! I have a pet. That probably makes no sense. Well, we went to my Aunt Mary's yesterday. They are rich! Eleanor is like super-nice and they gave me a birthday present, a kitten. A calico kitten and guess what I named her? I almost named her Ashley, but that would be confusing for you.

Yes, PLEASE don't confuse the diary.

So I named her C.C. because I like the way it sounds. It stands for calico cat, I guess, if nothing else. And Ellen gave me the present from her. Guess what it is, a fancy writing notebook, 2 4-color pens, and some earrings. The earrings are pencils.


How Claudia Kishi! Well, if one were a pencil and the other were a notebook, maybe?

Eleanor is so, so lucky. She has an electric typewriter! [Man! Those rich kids get all the good stuff!] I tried it out. I wrote my name, "Jennifer Ann Scott". Eleanor said, "I thought your last name was Fields." I said no that it was my mom's last name. Eleanor looked embarrassed. Oh, well. Guess what, we couldn't see the house because the owners were moving out, but we'll see it tomorrow.

♥
-J

2/12/89

Dear Ashley,

I saw the house today. There are 3 bedrooms. Grampa has one, mom has one, and Tony has one. Then there's the attic. I have to share a room with Lucy, Snob Force member. If she tries to brainwash me, she dies. Our street is called Evergreen Ave. Our address is 925 Evergreen Ave. I don't want to move. Ellen is so excited that I can't tell her and I want to, but she would never, never understand. She thinks it's great that I'm moving. My room is big and my mom is an interior decorator. She has a studio in the basement. Mom is going to help us fix up the attic. Guess what, there's a bathroom, too. Lucy is so, so excited about having her own bathroom where she can leave her underwear on the floor. I said not as long as I was here too.

Lucy is rapidly becoming my favorite character in this book.

We are going to pack tomorrow. We're leaving today. C.C. is staying with Eleanor. How will I break up the "US" club?

♥
-J


2/13/89

I'll tell you one thing, it wasn't fun to break up the "US" club. Abby is so upset that I can't tell if she's mad at me or not. She spent almost the whole day in the school bathroom. Sarah isn't mad at me, she's just mad... and sad. Me too. All three of us were crying our eyes out. Mom said they can come visit me not this weekend, not next, the weekend after next.

Egad, who's the chauffeur? Assuming we really were in Cleveland to start with, that's at least a 4-hour drive... each way!

By then our room will be done. Our room will be painted sky blue. Lucy wanted it pink, but I absolutely refused to have my room PINK. Really. Her bed spread is pink. We divided the room in half. I have the half by the 2 windows. I picked frilly off-white curtains. My bedspread is off-white, too with small sky blue and pink hearts on it. We are going to get an off-white curtain to go across the room so it can be private. I miss C.C.

♥
-J

2/14/89

Dear Ashley,

I'm writing in pink because today is Valentine's Day. And guess what happened. Todd dumped Gretchen! It was in her valentine from him. Now he goes with this girl in our class named Brittany.

He's a class act, that Todd.

Gretchen was crying her head off and she threw up in the bathroom. Mrs. Enite asked me to walk her down to the nurse's office. Can you believe that? So I was trapped. I walked her down and I had to wait with her until the nurse came, about 15 minutes later. You'll never believe what happened! Gretchen apologized! She said she was sorry about calling Abby fat, about me walking Lucy home, about Todd, and about kissing and trying to hit me with her crutch. So I said I was sorry about what I wrote on her cast. So now we are friends again. I wonder what the "US" club will think about another member. How will I tell Gretchen I'm moving?

They're FRIENDS again?! Did I really write this? Are we in Bizarro World?

2/15/89

Dear Ashley,

I wonder what C.C. is doing.

My money's on napping.

We are officially moving on Saturday. I'm going to Abby's for the "US" club meeting so I won't be in the way. Guss what, Gretchen is in the "US" club! And on Friday, the "US" club is going to the school at 5:00 to go in the boy's bathroom, even Abby. I have to because it was one of my resolutions.

She is so, so sticking to all of those resolutions. I swear she is!

We are packing, packing, packing! I wrote dad a letter, telling him about the house. Our rooms are done being painted and the downstairs is getting done. Aunt Sue called mom to tell her what was going on. And guess what, dad knew we were moving before we knew! How unfair. And mom knew dad was moving before we did. The world is so unfair. I swear it is. I told Gretchen I was moving. She was crying and said that I couldn't since we just got to be friends again. She's coming to visit.

♥
-J

2/16/89

Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow I'll see my little C.C. We went in the boy's bathroom. It's like the girl's bathroom except they have no mirrors (we have two) and they have those things called urinals or something. How sick. We were hysterical.

This is based entirely on fact! Apparently 10-year-old boys don't need to know what they look like.

All my stuff is packed except for tomorrow's clothes, you, a pair of shoes, my pens, and my notebook. I'm all set for the "US" club meeting. It's hard to believe I'm leaving... and not coming back. On Monday I start school. My new school, Friendship. Friendship is a cool name for a school. Ellen said they built it over the summer because the old school burnt down. Guess what else, there was a flood the first day of school! It rains a lot where we're moving to.

If I remember correctly, it's more that they have problems with sewage backup where she's moving to.

I'm almost done writing on your pink pages, Ashley.

The first third of the diary's pages are pink, the next are yellow, and the final third are blue. We ALMOST make it out of the pink.

I can't wait for tomorrow's "US" club meeting. Abby bought another friendship bracelet for Gretchen.

♥
-J

2/17/89

Dear Ashley,

So we moved. We packed, we moved, and now we have to unpack. I am a teensy bit nervous about sleeping in this strange house. I didn't see C.C. She is coming over tomorrow so she won't be in the way while we unpack. We spent most of the "US" club meeting crying. I can't wait until Abby, Sarah, and Gretchen come to visit me. Wait until they see my room. We are putting up the curtain tomorrow. I can't wait. Our room looks great. The bathroom is lavendar. Can you imagine? A lavendar bathroom? Well, it could happen to anyone.

Sager words were never spoken.

No, that's not my bathroom. But according to Jen, IT COULD BE.

There are two storage spaces in our room, one on each side of the room. Each one has a big picture on the outside wall. How weird! But if Lucy lives here, it has to be real weird. Grampa is moving in next weekend. I'm kinda nervous about meeting him. I mean I'll live with him, but I won't know him!
***

♥
-J

2/18/89

Dear Ashley,

WOW! You will never guess what I found today! We were cleaning and Tony pushed me into the broom closet in the kitchen. What a jerk! Well, I got slammed into the back of the broom closet and guess what happened! The wall fell out. Well part of the wall in the middle of the wall. There was an open square space left. I stuck my hand in. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't see anything. It was so, so dark! Well, I put the wall piece back in. You couldn't even tell it could come out! There are two wood pieces that go around the length of the broom closet, 2 feet from the top and 2 feet from the bottom. It must be a secret passage. It can't be a storage space. Who's ever heard of a hidden storage space... in a closet. I mean, get real! I'll get a flashlight and check it out after school tomorrow. C.C. is here. I love C.C.

♥
-Jen

Dude. Who the hell can fit inside a broom closet? And we know Jen isn't skinny. I mean, she's not fat, but she's not skinny either.

2/20/89

Dear Ashley,

I'm not in Eleanor or Ellen's class! There are 4 5th grade classes. This girl named Rebecca showed me around.

That's Rebecca Smith, who lives with her single mother and 12 siblings. Clearly she doesn't have enough to do.

My homeroom and math teacher is Mr. Matthews. My Reading teacher is Ms. Dunn. Mr. Matthews teaches me Health, Science, and Social Studies. Eleanor is in my Math and Ellen's in my Reading class! But they already have their own friends and I felt left out. Guess what, it is a secret passage!

Well, of course it is! If my stories continue for long enough, a secret passage will inevitably be discovered.

I went in afterschool when everyone was gone. Tony went to Janie's, Lucy went to Aunt Sue's to see Beth, and mom went grocery shopping. I stuck my leg in and felt ground, so I got in. Inside, there was a latch to close the wall piece! I shone the flashlight around and behind me, I saw a ladder! So I climbed until I came to like a landing. It was a tiny room, about twice as big as a nice sized closet! I saw a small hole so, I looked in. I was looking into Tony's closet!

Tony's closet? Who knows what kind of awesomeness that could hold!

This secret passage RULES!

I got out of the room and kept climbing until the ladder stopped. I saw another latched wall piece. I unlatched it and climbed out. I was in my storage space! I looked at the wall piece on the floor. It was that big picture. I wondered why it was there.

The house we moved into in fifth grade also featured an attic storage space with random paintings hanging inside. (Yes, paintings INSIDE the crawl space. Really.) Unfortunately, the explanation was that one of the former tenants was a bad artist, not that we had a secret passage. Though you better believe I thoroughly tested the broom closet for hollow walls.

How cool! A secret passage in my house! I wasn't going to tell anybody. Not even Ellen. I would show Sarah, Abby, and Gretchen when they came to visit. The room could be our clubhouse. I'm so, so glad I found the secret passage. I fit the picture back in. You couldn't tell at all!

Love,
Jen

The entry inexplicably ends with a cat illustration:

Um, okaaaaay.

2/21/89

Dear Ashley,

It's hopeless. I think I'll never have any friends. Ellen and Eleanor have their own seperate groups. Eleanor is really, really popular. Can you believe it? Well, it's true.

If you haven't realized yet, Eleanor is Eleanor Jefferson, the Queen Bee of Friendship Elementary in spite of her old lady name and old lady cardigans. Or, hey, maybe she's just a trendsetter. By the mid-'90s dressing like a grandma would be HUGE!

I totally love granny sweaters, by the way. Still.

The curtain is up. Lucy is littering the bathroom with bath toys. She has about 9 different bubble baths. The curtains are up and they look great. My bed is in between the window and the curtain. The bedspread looks great! My desk is across from my bed on the other side of the room. My typewriter and pens and pencils and paper and stuff is over there. My dresser is against the wall, between the windows. My kitten poster is above my desk. Nothing is blocking the storage space. I found a phone jack on my side of the room! Now all I need is a phone.

Yeah, that might be helpful.

Grampa is coming on Saturday. I can't wait for the "US" club to get here. It'll be the best sleepover ever!

♥
-J

2/22/89

Dear Ashley,

Guess what!?!? Today these three girls, Gloria, Sara, and Regina ate lunch with me? Can you believe it? They are VERY nice. I'm SO, SO excited. I'm making new friends. WOW! The girls, you know, Gloria, Sara, and Regina, were really nice.

They would be Gloria Gilford, Sara Doone, and Regina Grubble, stars of the unwritten Don't Be Yourself; Me, Super-Girl (and its equally unwritten sequel, Super-Girl Flies Again); and One of the Best Friends You Ever Had, respectively.

I still feel kind of stupid listening to everyone talk about the boys and other stuff that has happened at school. I know it's not my fault I wasn't here, but I still feel like it is. Oh well, one thing's for sure, I won't feel left out when the "US" club comes to visit.

Are the extraneous quotation marks and needless capitalization really "IRRITATING" anyone else?

They are coming on the weekend after the weekend Grampa gets here. I'm nervous about having Grampa come. What if he doesn't like me? What if he's really old-fashioned? The possibilities are practically endless!

Sorry, but I couldn't think of any evil grandpas.

You guys, Jenny's already living in the attic! And she seems to take an unhealthy enjoyment in watching her brother get it on with the ladies! DANGER! DANGER!!!

Oh well, life goes on, I guess. I hope!

♥
-Jen

2/24/89

Today I got a letter in the mail from dad. He said he's all settled in his new house. I have to write and tell him we are all settled in ours. Those girls, Gloria, Sara, and Regina didn't sit with me today. They sat with their other two friends. Everyone here has their own tight little groups. Ellen said I have to give it time. I don't see her and her friends being nice to me. It's because snotty Michelle doesn't like me, I just know it!

Her second-best friend won't even sit with her at lunch? You're about to get demoted, Ellen.

My only friends are the "US" club. I can't wait 'til they get here next weekend! It don't fit in at school. I can't believe it's called "Friendship". There doesn't seem to be any left for me!

HA!

Grampa will be here tomorrow. Thank goodness it's Friday!

Love,
♥ Jen ♥

And that's all we've got. Sorry to end this one on a downer! But don't worry—the Friendship Elementary Master Clique List (okay, it's really just titled Groups) reveals that Jenny-or-Jen eventually befriends August Brokenhoff, Stephanie Pepper, and Elaine Foster. You can rest assured they had many fun times together creating more "CLUBS" and hanging out in all of Jenny's various closets.

NEXT TIME: Especially for Valentine's Day, a real-life tale of love as my family celebrates my grandparents' 40th wedding anniversary by tricking them into renewing their vows.

Yeah, that's right, I'm going to get two posts up this week if it kills me!

My Diary, part three

LAST TIME: Jenny (or Jen) continued to pour her heart out to her diary, Ashley, about her various fifth grade traumas: Sarah almost DIED of pneumonia, but only missed about two weeks of school. Abby lost a worrisome amount of weight, which was GREAT NEWS! That britch Gretchen broke her leg due to her extreme idiocy—and STILL managed to seduce Todd Swartz and his hair! Meanwhile, Jen's grandpa had a heart attack and the family went to Brockport to help out. How did Jen help? By being bitchy to her cousin Ellen and secretly watching her brother make out through a hole in the floor. But it turned out Ellen is a peeping Tom too, so she and Jen TOTALLY BONDED. Also, our heroine got a paint splatter sweatshirt for her birthday. Can this story get any awesomer? Let's find out.

1/26/89
Thrilling Thursday.

Dear Ashley,

I'm really mad at Gretchen. I'll never be friends with her, even if she comes and begs me to let her kiss my feet. I'd rather slit my wrists.

You guys? If we ever get in a fight, offering to make out with my feet is NOT the way to win me back. Just an FYI.

I was walking home with Sarah and Pesty Lucy and Todd was walking Gretchen home. Well I heard someone yell, "Jennnnyyy!" So, I turned around and it was Gretchen. Her and Todd started cracking up. So I turned around. Sarah said, "Ignore." So about 5 minutes later I turned around for some dumb reason. Gretchen was staring straight at me but Todd didn't notice. Then she whispered something I couldn't hear and they started kissing.

Nooooooooooo! Seriously, there was only one fifth grade couple I knew who kissed (Terrence and Tacie), and I'm sorry to say they used to MAKE OUT on the school bus.

It wasn't as gross as Tony and Janie but they hurt me.

Terrence and Tacie, on the other hand? Grosser than you can possibly imagine.

I still found the note during class and I want to know why "Chipmunk" was walking home, with her broken leg and all but there are some things we never learn.

♥
-J

Jen is SO ZEN.

1/27/89
Freaky Friday.

Well, I guess I forgot to tell you what the note said. It said:

For the visually impaired, that's:

To my little Chipmunk-

How is your leg? I am so glad I'm walking you home today. We can talk. Meet me in the park tomorrow, OK?

L♥ve, Your Bear (Grizzly)

So anyway on the outside it said: To: Gretch From: Todd

So, Sarah had to go home for a doctor's appointment so me and Abby went to the park to wait for "Grizzly" and "Chipmunk". But Gretchen never came!!! Todd was down there with his friend, Joey. They were talking about Gretchen and saying too bad she couldn't come because of her leg and then they started laughing. But we couldn't figure out anything else because they started a snowball fight. Even though there was hardly any snow!

♥
-J

That is the single most realistic thing a boy in these books has done. Strictly the snowball part, that is.

1/28/89
Sunday Supreme.

We are staying with dad for a while because mom went back down to Brockport to take care of things at Grampa's house because Aunt Sue called to say that someone broke in last night! I got Ellen's address and we are going to be pen-pals! So I am going to write Ellen a letter. Dad let me bring my typewriter since it isn't that heavy. Then I'm going to type a story and put it in here so I'll always remember it. Dad is calling me because it's time to play Scrabble. Scrabble is so, so cool. I'm really good, I swear I am. Well, bye for now.

♥
-J

And then we're treated to this lovely drawing of Gretchen, who is apparently a pockmarked, cross-eyed bobblehead with a scrunchy for a body:



Hey, what happened to Jenny's actual pen pal? I seem to have forgotten that plotline in the midst of all of the voyeurism and near-death experiences. But although Kristina Martin (as portrayed by my sister) is never heard from again, the book's folder contains this:

January 21, 1989

Dear Jenny,

My mom and dad are divorced. My dad lives in Florida. I live with my mom and my little brother Ben who is 3½. I also live with my hamster, Snuffy, and my brother's turtle, (he got today) and my brother's turtle's fish (we also got today). My brother didn't name his turtle yet. Do you have any suggestions? Do you have any pets? I have to walk home a girl, also. Her name is Gretchen. She's pesty, too. I like ice-skating, except my mom never has the time to take me.

Yes, my sister did read a lot of Lurlene McDaniels.

My bestfriend is Judy. My X-friend or X-best friend is Veronica. Last year my teacher read us or started reading "The Diary of Anne Frank". I made resolutions in my diary. Did you make resolutions in your diary? We have so much in common. Don't you think? If you don't have any pets tell me what kind of pet you like or want.

Maybe this is what spawned the "gerbil named Tails" revelation?

I'm turning 11 on June 18. I can't wait. I have to eat dinner in 13 minutes I think. Well, I'm running out of paper.

Your truly,
Kristina E. Martin

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled melodrama.

1/29/89
Merciful Monday

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen asked me to sign her cast as a joke. So, I wrote:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made Gretchen
Well, we all make mistakes

And I mean it! -Jennifer S.

I HATE U, "CHIPMUNK"

You know she's serious because she signed it "Jennifer." Also, I am plagiarizing the BSC so hard, I probably owe Ann M. Martin royalties. That is the EXACT SAME passive-aggressive rhyme that Kristy scribbled on Claud's cast in Claudia and the Bad Joke. My friends and I were moderately obsessed with it, our favorite variation being:

God made rivers
God made lakes
God made boys
Well, we all make mistakes

Obviously.

So, Gretchen got really mad and tried to hit me with her crutch but Sarah stood up and said to leave me alone and Gretchen was so surprised because Sarah used to be so quiet, not shy, quiet while Abby ran and got the teacher so, Gretchen had to stay after school which serves the little brich right. Sarah said her doctor's appointment was good and that she was all better and healthy. I could tell there was more. So I called her after school to find out - Sarah got her period!

♥
-J

Did the doctor, like, induce her period or something? I don't understand. Ew.

2/1/89
That's Thursday (Today)

Dear Ashley,

Well, it's over. My parents are divorced. It doesn't seem like it's really different. But mom is back and we're staying with her again because dad is moving. So he's packing and we would be in the way. But guess where he's moving to... Maine! And we get to see him for a month each summer and he's going to come down and see us for a week during Winter Break. I was crying when I heard. I am going to miss him so, so much. You don't realize how much you love a person until they are gone... or leaving. But we get to stay with him all next week. This weekend we are going to Brockport with mom and then dad drives down and picks us up and brings us back while mom stays all week and helps. We're leaving tomorrow.

♥
-J

2/2/89
Fabulous Friday

Dear Ashley,

We are driving down to Brockport. I'm in front! I can't wait to see Ellen. Tony's so excited about seeing Janie, he's been babbling about her all day. Right now, he's saying how she wrote him a letter saying that she will show him around town. I'll write letter since mom is trying to read over my shoulder!

While driving?! That doesn't seem safe, Edith.

Well, now it's 9:30. Tony is out at a movie with Janie. I'm baby-sitting Pesty but she's asleep. We ate dinner at Aunt Sue's. That pen was running out. Ellen showed me her friends, Debbie, Michelle, and Kris (Kristin). They are nice, all of them except Michelle, who's conceited. Ellen said she was showing off and sometimes gets carried away making a good impression.

That is totally grossed-out.

But then they were talking about boys at their school and I felt left out, but I didn't say anything. Mom just got back from the hospital. 'Bye.

♥
-J

2/4/89
SUNDAY

Hi! It's Ellen again! I have nothing to say! 'Bye!

Well, so much for Ellen's page. Mom said dad just pulled up and Pesty ran out and I can hear her scream, "Daddy-Poo!" How immature! Well, we're here in the car and it's safe to write. Lucy got to sit in front with dad (she always gets her way, I swear she does) and Tony's asleep. Mom said she has a surprise for us when we come back next weekend. Maybe we are giving Lucy up for adoption!

Ha ha ha ha.

I don't want to go back to school, but I can't wait to see Sarah or Abby. I really don't want to see Gretchen. I still like Todd, but he is really sick. I mean, he is so, so gross. Tony is waking up.

Bye, Ashley.

♥
-J

And then, for whatever reason, there's a picture of a hirsute Muppetlike character. And a pencil. Of course!


2/6/89

Dear Ashley,

Valentine's Day is in 8 days. Guess what, my lucky number is 5. I swear, that is the best number. A little birdie told me so. Me and Sarah and Abby made our valentines at Abby's after school. Abby looks like her dad but her mom is stick-skinny and looks like a model. Can you believe it? I can't.

Yeah, we know you can't.

Guess what else, Sarah has a boyfriend!!! This boy in our class, Ben, asked her yesterday!!! She is in true love and it is good for Sarah because she's never been in love before. I am so, so glad Sarah got over her pneumonia.

You guys, I think it's great that Sarah conquered her fear of death and all, but what the hell? Getting pneumonia makes you assertive AND it will snag you a man?! Where can I get pneumonia???

And guess what, Abby thinks Ben is a major hunk. I think he's pretty ugly and gross, like the rest of the boys at our school, but I didn't say so because they are my best friends and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I am so, so excited about mom's surprise. Maybe Lucy is a murderer and the police are putting her in a juvenile delinquent prison.

Oh. My. God. AWESOME.

But then I think about dad moving. I mean, Maine is so far away. I'm going to miss him so, so much.

♥
-J

2/8/89

Dear Ashley,

When I grow up I'm going to have a husband and two kids, one boy, one girl. The girl will be older and her name will be Ashley, like you. The boy's name will be Todd, after my long lost love.

Yes, you read that correctly. She's going to name her child AFTER HER DIARY.

I'll be writer of children's books and they'll publish my diaries when I die so I will be remembered but not embarrassed.

I used to think that if I ever became a famous writer and someone published a posthumous volume of my letters, people would be sorely, sorely disappointed.

I guess my husband won't be Todd, since it would be dumb to have two Todds in the family. I have yet to meet my true love. Maybe someday that will come true, but for now all I can think about is Gretchen getting her cast off tomorrow. I'll die. I like her better handicapped, not that I like her at all! Abby is so, so happy! She lost 11 pounds in less than two months, a little over one!

Yeah, I'd say a trip to the pediatrician is in order.

Dad rented a movie for us tonight. It was "The Lost Boys". That's a good movie! Corey Haim is so, so cute! Dad didn't let Lucy watch it because it's rated 'R'! Too bad for the little dirtbag!

♥
-J

2/9/89

Dear Ashley,

Gretchen didn't come to school today. Me and Sarah and Abby have a club called "US". Don't you think it's us? Well, our club is completely against Gretchen. We want revenge. With a capital R.

These girls need a hobby. With a capital H.

Angela McMurphy invited me to her Valentine's Day sleepover party, but I can't go because we are going to Brockport next weekend, just like we are this weekend. Guess what, Abby bought the three of us matching Friendship bracelets for the "US" club. Dad is dropping us off at Brockport today on his way to Maine. So that will be the last time I see dad until the summer. I start crying whenever I think about it.

See, she's not 100% cold-hearted britch. Maybe just 98%.

But today mom tells us her surprise. I can't wait. I'm so, so excited! I swear, it must have something to do with Lucy. I just know it. Dad says it's time to go. His house is empty. Well, good bye, house! Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Ashley!

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The surprise is revealed and—spoiler!—it does not involve Lucy being shipped off to kiddie prison.

My Diary, part two

LAST TIME: Jenny-or-Jen was so, so excited about her new diary ("Ashley") because she wanted to be just like Anne Frank! Minus that whole Holocaust thing. Jenny-or-Jen's parents were about to finalize their divorce, but our heroine was much more upset about having to walk her "pesty" little sister home from school because OHMYGOD someone might SEE! Maybe even Todd Swartz and his cool haircut! The horror!!! Meanwhile, Jenny-or-Jen got in a fight with her friend Gretchen over her ice-rink bullying of their shy, chubby friend Abby. (I don't know why I bothered listing both adjectives, as so far the chubby girls in my stories are always shy.) Oh, and Jenny-or-Jen's besty, Sarah, got stuck in a blizzard while on vacation. I swear she did! OH THE DRAMA.

1/7/89

Dear Ashley,

Today we did nothing but clean, clean, clean! Sarah got back today and she has pnemonia! She couldn't talk on the phone. I guess her aunt feels so, so bad. I swear Sarah is so, so sick. Pnemonia is something people die of. I hope Sarah doesn't die. I know she won't though.

My knowledge of pneumonia? Pretty much nonexistent. If you couldn't tell.

Mom says she saw Gretchen walking her dog today and how is she. I said, 'BAD I hope'. Mom said what a mean thing to say about a friend. I said 'What friend?' Abby is doing OK. She called me to say she lost 1 pound already. I said great. I wonder how much she weighs. I didn't ask her. I swear that is rude. She must weigh so, so much. I only weigh 85 lb. I swear it's not that much.

I have no idea what a fifth grader should weigh—so naturally I Googled it! According to some website the average weight for an 11-year-old girl is 79.2 lbs. Although that seems pretty suspicious, I'm going to go with it just so I can say HAHA, Jen, you're 5.8 lbs overweight! SUCK IT!

1/8/89

Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not going back to school tomorrow. She is so, so lucky. I swear she is!

Lucky that she's on her veritable deathbed! Wasting away with pneumonia is totally better than school! I swear!

Abby came over. We prank called Gretchen. It was so, so funny. I guess she knew who it was 'cause she prank called back. I swear she's so, so stupid! I'm not looking forward to walking so, so pesty Lucy home tomorrow. I swear something bad will happen. I'll be so, so embarassed if anyone sees me! I went ice-skating again. Abby couldn't go because her brother had a doctor's appointment and her mom couldn't pick her up later. I think she was afraid of Gretchen. Brave old me went even though I hate skating alone. Gretchen was there, but I was lucky! She fell and hurt her ankle and couldn't skate.

Lucky break! Er, sprain?

Does anyone else reminisce about the good old days when you could make prank calls in virtual anonymity? We spent one New Year's Eve making the most hilaaaarious prank calls ever... until we got some old man on the phone who thought our friend was his son and was so excited that he'd called. I know. Way to kill our buzz, sad old man.

1/9/89

Dear Ashley,

I hate school. I hate Gretchen so, so much. I swear I hate her more than anything else. Even brocolli, brussel sprouts, and asparagus.

I maintained a unhealthy hatred for vegetables until adulthood. I'm so, so reformed now, I swear.

She saw me walking home and pointed me out to the most popular 5th grade boys. They were cracking up. I will be so, so unpopular at school tomorrow. I swear I will get even with Gretchen.

RESOLUTIONS:
11. Get even with Gretchen.
12. Get a gerbil.
13. Get to know Abby better.

I have never had a pet. I want a gerbil named Tails. I haven't told mom yet. She won't understand. I know she never had pets as a child. Dad did. He would understand. He is so, so nice. I swear to call him later. I miss dad so, so much.

1/10/88

Dear Ashley,

I WAS LUCKY TODAY! Remember when Gretchen sprained her ankle skating? Well, she broke it!!! She fell down the stairs. How stupid!

Okay, THIS one was a lucky break! (Yessss, I knew I could work that pun in somewhere!) And did I say Gretchen got bitchier in this installment? What I meant was that JEN got bitchier.

So no one said anything to me. They will after the affect wears off. I swear they will. I will be so, so unpopular. Today Mrs. Gremston, my reading teacher, gave us pen-pals from the 5th grade at Fairfax.

That's the name of MY elementary school, so I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Does Jenny-or-Jen attend another elementary school in Cleveland Heights, or was I really that hard-pressed to come up with a school name? Here's a tip, fifth-grade me: Just pick a president. Any president. You'll be golden.

I have this girl, Kristina Martin. I don't know anything about her. I will when she writes back.

The role of Kristina Martin will be played by my sister.

RESOLUTIONS:
14. Meet my pen-pal and write so, so interesting letters.

I swear I love to write. Today was a lucky day. Lucy walked ahead of me with a friend. I was so, so happy. I swear I'm gonna fall asleep. Right now.....

1/11/88

Dear Ashley,

TODAY IS ONLY WEDNESDAY. I wish it was Friday. I wish my pen-pal would write back real soon. I wish, I wish, I wish. I am trying to stop saying I

RESOLUTIONS:
15. Stop saying 'I swear' and 'so, so' so much.

Hold your applause! We don't know if she'll actually stick to it.

Abby was getting annoyed with me. I didn't mean to annoy her, but I did. She lost 3 pounds. Today was boring. I wish Sarah was here. She is still real sick. She will be back in school next week, for sure. I'll bet her aunt feels so, so really bad. I would. Sarah can't draw. I wouldn't be able to write and I would kill my aunt. I'm so, so bored.

Love,
Jenny or Jen

What's up with aunt bashing? Why don't you just prank call her and get it over with, Jenny (or Jen)?

1/14/88

Dear Ashley,

Tomorrow we are going to New York. My grandpa had a heart attack and mom went to help him. He lives in Brockport, New York.

Apparently the ailing-grandfather-in-New-York plotline wasn't boring enough the first time around, so I had to regurgitate it here.

We missed school on Friday. Dad picked us up on Thursday and took us to his house. We couldn't change our clothes because dad doesn't have a key to our house. He woke up too late to take us to school.

Things we know about Jen's dad:
1) He lives at McDonald's.
2) He can't wake up on time to take his children to school.

Sounds like quite the catch!

We are coming back on Monday. Not this Monday, next Monday. We will miss so, so much school. And I won't have to walk with Pesty Lucy. I'm so, so happy! I hope Gretchen falls down the stairs and I hope after she falls, her crutch goes up her nose, and she breaks her nose, too. I swear I hope it happens. I hate her so, so much.

I'm having a hard time imagining the logistics of this crutch-up-the-nose scenario. So she falls down the stairs WITH her crutches and then lands in such a way that the crutch breaks her nose? Call me a cynic, but that seems awfully far-fetched.

I hope Sarah gets better really soon. Sometimes I think she'll never be better. [Please note that she has been sick for precisely one week.] I really love Sarah, even though that sounds sick. [Love = totally embarrassing.] She is my best friend.

♥
-Jen

1/16/89

It's Mo-onday
It's Mo-onday
Hey, Jenny, Jenny,
and a Ha Cha Cha

This is based on some song my dad used to sing and therefore not as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe?

Dear Ashley,

I'm so, so glad I'm not in school. I'd be in Science. BLECH! I hate Science, but I hate Miss Litzco even more. A D. She gave me a D. What did I ever do to her?!?!?!? Nothin'. I did pretty good in Science. I deserved a B at least. But no, she gives me a D. And what for?!?!?!? Nothin'. Brockport is OK. We won't be here for too long anyways. Lucinda met this kid named Julie who is in half-day kindergarten, so she had a friend and Tony met Mike and Ben. I don't know anybody. I hardly even know Grandpa. I've met him twice before. Gramma is dead. My aunt Susan is always hanging around with my cousins, Ellen (10) and Beth (7). Lucy is friends with Beth, too. SNOBS!

Um, so guess who her cousin Ellen is? Ellen Irving, who went all don't-you-talk-about-my-momma on the first day of school. That's right. You thought this wasn't a Friendship book, but I TOTALLY FOOLED YOU! Especially since I called Friendship "Brockport."

1/18/89
Wednesday.

Dear Ashley,

Today Aunt Sue came over with the Snob Force, Ellen and Beth. Lucy and Beth and Julie ran off, giggling. Aunt Sue tried to get me to play with Ellen. BLECH! I will never play with part of the Snob Force. So, may the Force be with you, Ellen. The Snob Force, that is!

Nothing like an awkward Star Wars reference.

Tony has a girlfriend. Her name is Janie. She is so, so skinny. I think she's anorexic. I heard Ellen mutter "Toothpick Jane" under her breath. She should be talking, the skin and bones. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either.

I'm thinking Jen is about two years away from an eating disorder.

I saw Tony and Janie making out. It was gross! They were just like teens in movies. I think that's where they learned it. Anyways, he just met her on Monday. How sick! Tony usually likes girls for their looks and their body. It isn't Janie's body. She's so flat she makes the walls jealous!

No one is spared from the wrath of Jenny-or-Jen. Especially not Toothpick Jane, slutty anorexic and Itty Bitty Titty Committee president.

♥
-Jen

1/20/89

T.G.I.F.
Thank Goodness It's Friday

Aunt Sue was over again. She talked mom into making me play with Ellen! She kept following me around. When I finally thought I'd lost her, I went and spyed on Tony and Janie. They were making out in the basement and I was spying at them through the hole in the floor that Lucy found.

Okay, dirty perv. Can't you just watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High on TBS or something?

I didn't know Ellen was behind me. I stepped back and she looked in. She looked back at me and widened her eyes. I was blushing. I was so embarassed. I hoped she wouldn't tell Aunt Sue. Then Ellen put her face right up to the hole and- ....made kissing noises! I couldn't believe it!!! Part of the Snob Force? It couldn't be! Maybe Ellen wasn't so bad. Well, Tony and Janie ran upstairs. They had turned red. Tony blamed it all on me! But Ellen stood up and said it had been her. Ellen isn't in the Snob Force!

♥
-J

Oh NO, Jen has found a partner in obnoxious crime.

1/21/89
SATURDAY ♥

Hi! I'm Ellen. I can't believe you called me and Beth the Snob Force! I'm glad everything is okay between us, now. Anyways, Beth is a Snob. How about we say that Lucy, Beth, & Julie are the Snob Force. Tony and Janie can be the Make Out Team. Okay? Well, thanx for trusting me with your diary. It's really neat. I'm going to buy one. I'm going to miss you so, so (HA!) much. I swear (HA!) I will. Anyways, I'll be 11 on March 8. So you will always know when to send me a birthday present. Don't worry, I'll send u one, too! Well, I'm running out of room so, BYE!

ELLEN

I totally want to be on the Make Out Team. Or start a band called the Make Out Team. Or both.

1/21/89
Saturday.

Dear Ashley,

Well, I let Ellen see you. As you can see, she thinks you are so, so cool. Just like me! Ellen is my second best friend. Sarah is first and Abby is third.

Poor Abby. The fat girl's position was usurped in under 48 hours.

So far I haven't been able to show you to Sarah. You know, how she's been sick and all. I still haven't seen Twins yet. Ellen did and she said it was OK, but it wasn't really that good. I miss Sarah so, so much. We are going home tomorrow so, then I'll miss Ellen. Life isn't fair. I wonder what will happen with Tony and Janie. They went to Janie's and I know what they were doing, too.

Go Team Make Out!

How sick!!! Well, 'bye!

Love,
Jenny or Jen

1/22/89
Super Sunday

We are driving home. Tony is up front with mom. I have to sit next to so, so Pesty Lucy. But Thank God Almighty she is fast asleep. I swear, she snores like a motorcycle!

My grandfather snores like a motorcycle (literally—once we heard him snoring from UPSTAIRS and thought there was a chopper outside), but I don't see how a seven-year-old girl could have developed this malady.

Well, tomorrow I have school. BLECH!!! I hope Sarah is back, I hope Abby is skinny, I hope Gretchen is dead [WOW], and I hope Ellen moves down here. I'm getting my hopes up too high. Well, I'm going to go ice-skating soon before I forget how. OH NO! I just remembered that I have to walk home with Pesty Lucy, who's waking up!!! 'BYE! Now it's about 10:30. If I don't stop writing and go to sleep, I'll never get up tomorrow. I went to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Abby. It was good! Sarah's mom said I can come over after school tomorrow because Sarah is getting better! I can't wait!!!

♥
-Jen

1/23/89

Hi Ashley!

I'm Sarah. We are getting me a tutor if I get sicker. I'm supposed to come back on Wednesday (To School). Well, I'm glad Jenny likes you since I bought you for her. I think Ellen is nice and Jenny shouldn't of judged her like that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jenny, the numbskull. Well, I'm letting Jenny take over.

'Bye L♥ve,
Sarah

P.S. Sorry about Todd.
P.S.S. I hate Gretchen, too!

And because Sarah is such an artiste, we have this:


Yes, that's the wife of Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Don't believe me?


Because spouses look alike? And have variations on the same name??

1/23/89
Maniac Monday

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Jennnyyy!
Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Ashley,

Today was mainly a good day, but there was one bad thing. Well, I had forgotten it was my birthday until about 11:00 last night. I thought everybody else had too. But when I woke up I was so, so surprised. They were all in my room with presents. Mom had bought me a paint-splatter sweat shirt [Radical!] and... a typewriter with fancy typing paper! Tony bought me a pack of colored pencils and a kitten poster.


Lucy bought me a shell necklace and gave me a picture she made in school. Sometimes she isn't Pesty Lucy, Snob Force member. The bad thing was at school. It had to do with Todd and Gretchen. Yes, on Tuesday Todd asked Gretchen to go with him. I'm heartbroken. As soon as I got to Sarah's I burst out crying, but Sarah was her usual nice self. She comforted me and calmed me down. I guess that's why he was so nice to us. Well, I wonder if they make out like Tony and Janie!

Dear GOD, let's hope not.

You can tell their in love because they make goo-goo eyes at each other during class and he carries her books everywhere for her and they sit together at lunch.

As you can see, my male characters are getting SO much more realistic.

I think Gretchen just wants to make me jealous. But I know Todd likes her and not me, but why did I have to found out on my birthday, of all days? But Abby was nice too. She remembered my birthday and bought me some earrings. They are really pretty, shells to match my necklace. And then there was Sarah's gift. It was a Best Friends necklace, where there's one best and one friends. I got friends. The heart is broken and really fits together.


♥
-J

1/25/89
Wonderful Wednesday

Dear Ashley,

Sarah came back to school today. The teacher, Mrs. Enite, let us put our desks together so I can help Sarah. Like she needs help! She's so independent now. She does everything for herself! Talk about a drastic change.

Apparently pneumonia is really empowering. Either that or getting stranded in a restaurant during a blizzard. One of the two, definitely.

And Abby is in a really good mood because she lost 7 pounds and she didn't even mind eating her rabbit food.

1) I'm definitely ripping off someone with "rabbit food," I just don't know who. (Anyone?)
2) Abby lost 7 lbs in under a month?! I don't know how much she weighs (I'm not rude either, I swear I'm not!), but that sounds mighty unhealthy.

Sarah isn't going to get sick again, she's really healthy.

Ummm, okay...?

I've got to do something about Gretchen. She and Todd were feeding each other at lunch! It was so sick!

Didn't all the fifth grade couples you knew feed each other? I mean for the, like, three days that they "went together"? Come on!

Gretchen kept glancing over at me and smirking with this really smug expression look on her face. What a britch!

I'm sorry, remember when I said Gretchen got bitchier this go-round? Yeah, well, I meant BRITCHIER. Obviously.

But dad came over and gave me my present. It was a light blue cassette player radio! I'm so excited. It's really cool. But mom just yelled that Sarah's on the phone. 'Bye.

♥
-J

NEXT TIME: The britchiness don't stop. Plus, a love note reveals some vomtastic pet names!

My Diary, part one

I declared myself as a "writer" early on in my childhood. This meant I was doomed to receive, at a minimum, five diaries and/or blank books a year as gifts. I mean, I liked writing in a diary and all, but COME ON! I was no Anaïs Nin, people. For one thing, I was 11! There was no way on God's green earth that the trivial details of my life could fill five diaries a year. But the trivial details of a fictional character's life? That's an entirely different story. A story called My Diary.

Here's what the preadolescent promo material has to say about it:

MY DIARY

Jenny gets a diary to write all her feelings down in. She has a lot to write. Her best friend, Sarah, is home with pnemonia, she had a fight with her friend, Gretchen, and her friend, Abby, is scared to death of Gretchen. And she has to walk her six-year-old pesty sister home from school. Her parents divorce is final and her dad is moving to Maine. Then her grandpa she hardly knows has a heart attack and her whole life changes. She spends a lot of time in New York with her cousin, Ellen. Then her mom decides to move and Jenny is pulled away from her friends to a place where the only people she knows are her family. Jenny doesn't thinks she fits in at all.

Sorry, by the way, if I misled you with the title. For my (real) diary you have to go back a few entries. But the book HAD to be called My Diary because, well, that's what it said on the cover:


And OF COURSE I set out to create the most authentic fake diary the world had ever seen, switching up my writing implements for the various entries (I'll try to vary the font color here so you can get the full experience) and giving ol' Jenny a handwriting style that was, once again, eerily similar to Stacey McGill's.

Seriously, did anyone actually dot their i's with hearts? ANYONE?

My Diary

12/25/88

A diary! I swear I have always wanted a diary! Someplace to write my feelings where no one else can find them out. So here goes nothing, Diary:

My name is Jennifer Ann Scott. My best friend is Sarah Betsy Alton.

There were so many nicknames that confounded me as a child. Jack is a nickname for John? WHY? It's not even shorter! And it makes sense that Maggie and Meg are nicknames for Margaret—but PEG?! What? the? hell? It looks like we can add "Betsy" to the list too. Liz and Beth I was familiar with, yes, but apparently I believed Betsy to be a name in its own right.

I like to write. I swear I do. Sarah likes to draw. She is really good. I swear she is. I have wanted a diary ever since I read the diary of Anne Frank. I swear that was the best book. So now I am so, so glad Sarah bought me this for Christmas/Hanukkah. (She is Jewish)

Nope, Alton doesn't sound Jewish to me either.

I swear I will get her a better present next year. So in Anne Frank she named her diary "Kitty". That was so, so cool! So I am going to give you a name. ASHLEY. That name is so, so pretty. I swear, that is the best name. Good bye, Ashley!

Your Pal,
Jen

Ashley! That is soooo 20 years ago. Now the diary's name would be Madison. Or Ava. Or maybe Isabella or Sophie.

12/27/88

Dear Ashley,

Yesterday we went to see a play. My brother, Anthony, was in it. He was good. I swear he was! Gosh, I didn't tell you about my family, did I? Well, my parents are separated. They have been for 3 years. I swear they have. They are going to get a divorce soon. I live with my mom. She is so, so nice. Much nicer than dad. He deserted us. "US" is me, 10½, Anthony (TONY), 13, Lucy (LUCILLE), 6, and mom. We visit him every month. He never sees us for the holidays, but he sends us Christmas gifts and stuff on our birthdays. Sometimes I really miss my dad. He was so, so nice. And grouchy. I swear he's the grouchiest person ever.

My parents are still together, so I was pulling this divorce stuff out of my ass. That may explain why Jen sounds like she has a personality disorder when she talks about her dad.

Mom just told me I have to walk Lucy home when school starts! YECH! I swear I will die. Lucy is such a pest! She is so, so pesty!

I am so, so ripping off the BSC. At least Lucy doesn't call anyone a silly-billy-goo-goo. I hope.

12/18/88

Dear Ashley,

"Scott" is dad's last name. His name is Jason Scott. My mom's name is Edith Fields. She used to be Edith Scott. Now she hates the name Scott. I say we should have named Anthony "Scott". The he'd be "Scott Scott". Mom just says "HA HA" like it isn't really funny at all.

I'm with you, Edith.

It really snowed today! We went outside and froze up. There was no Hot Chocolate when we came in either. Mom was really mad. She blew up and started saying how no one ever appreciates what she does.

I suspect this may have been inspired by real-life bratty hot chocolate demands and my mom's subsequent outrage.

I think she was just mad because the roads were blocked and she was stuck here with us. Lucy wanted her to read to her all day. I swear, she is such a pest! I was so, so cold. Anthony hit me in the face with a snowball. I swear, I will kill him. He is so, so dumb to mess with me!

12/30/88

Dear Ashley,

I know we haven't had a good talk yet. I want to tell you about boys. They're no new discovery. Yep, they've been around.

Jenny = No Magellan.

Some are so, so cute, too! I swear I have never like any of them as much as I like the one I like now. He is so, so perfect I can't believe I didn't notice him before. His name is Todd Swartz. He has brown hair that is cut so, so cool.

I can only imagine what that would look like. Considering our frame of reference in 1988, we could be talking about this:


Or this:


Or, MAN ALIVE, even this:


But brown, of course.

He has blue eyes. I swear they are bluer than blue. He is nice. "Maybe even too nice", my friend Gretchen says. She is so suspicious. She wants to be a detective. "He may be plotting to use us." I ignore her then. Sarah says she is only teasing, but she is so, so annoying. I swear she is terrible. Really she is. I don't see how I put up with her! And Ashley, you can call me Jen or Jenny. Everyone does. There are too many Jennifers!

And NONE of them go by Jen or Jenny. Absolutely none! Although the idea of the diary "calling" her anything is deeply flawed to begin with.

12/31/88

Dear Ashley,

These are my New Year's resolutions:

#1. I will get out of walking pesty Lucy home from school.
#2. I will go with Todd Swartz by the end of the year.
#3. I will make Gretchen stop teasing me somehow.
#4. I will buy Sarah a better gift for Christmas.

Shouldn't that be Hanukkah? What did she get her, anyway? A cassingle of "Don't Worry, Be Happy"? Actually, I would have been pretty psyched about that gift in 1988. Never mind.

#5. I will try out for the school play this Spring.
#6. I will get a better grade in Science.
#7. I will get even with Miss Litzco, the Science teacher.
#8. I will write a truly great piece of writing (Poetry, story, etc.)
#9. I will go in the boys' bathroom with Sarah and Gretchen.
#10. I will get Anthony for good.

I swear I will do all these things. Even the ones that are so, so gross.

My friends and I also accomplished Goal #9, but sadly, it was not nearly as gross as we had imagined.

1/1/89

Dear Ashley,

I slept over Sarah's. We watched them drop the ball from wherever they drop it from on New Year's eve.

I was a deeply cultured child.

The year has gone by so quick. It didn't even seem like Christmas this year. Except for when we opened presents any way. Sarah said she feels the same way. So do Gretchen and Abby.

This was based on real-life sentiment. I later realized it didn't feel like Christmas because it was the first year we didn't get toys. We had offically entered tweendom, and it was kind of lackluster.

Abby is another good friend of mine except she is so shy. She is also FAT if you ask me, but we don't say anything because her main resolution is to lose weight. She is on a strict diet.

Because it's okay to be fat ONLY if you're self-loathing and trying NOT to be fat. Got that?

I love January and December. My birthday is on January 23rd. I cannot wait! Sarah is visiting her aunt for 3 days, starting tomorrow. I am visiting my father tomorrow. We are staying overnight. I can't wait to see my father. I swear I haven't seen him since last year (HA! HA!)!

Thank you, thank you! Try the meatloaf! I'll be here all week!

It is so, so fun visiting dad.

1/4/89

Dear Ashley,

Sorry I couldn't take you to Dad's house, but I swear I could not find you. Mom SAID she found you under my mattress. I don't believe her. That excuse is so, so flimsy. I know she wanted to find out my innermost feelings. Too bad she doesn't know where I hide the key! Dad took us out to dinner at McDonald's. I swear he could live there. He always takes us to McDonald's.

Well. If I lived at McDonald's, I'd be pretty grouchy too.

We played Pictionary. I was on Tony's team. Lucy cannot draw. I swear she can't. We watched this movie on T.V. Julie Andrews was in it. She was so, so good. We went to Denny's for breakfast. I swear they have the best food. It was so, so "yummy." "Yummy" is Pesty Lucy's word. Dad brought us home. Then Tony and I watched Lucy while Mom and Dad settled something with the lawyer.

1/5/89

Dear Ashley,

Sarah is not back from her aunt's like she is supposed to be. We are supposed to be going to the movies tomorrow to see TWINS. "It's so, so good!" people tell me.

They are so, so wrong. I swear.

I swear I will kill her if she doesn't get back in time. I went skating with friends today. Tony likes this girl. He kept showing off at the skating rink. Abby kept falling over so then Gretchen got mad and said get off the wall so Abby started crying but she wouldn't get off the ice. She just sort of collapsed. Gretchen kept saying what a baby Abby was. I think it was Gretchen's fault but I didn't tell it. Was it Abby's fault she wasn't steady on her feet? NO!!! Then Gretchen started calling Abby "FATSO" and stuff. So I got really mad and said, "OH shut up and shove it! You're so nosey and you're always picking on other people. JERK!"

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

We aren't speaking to each other anymore.

1/6/88

Dear Ashley,

Pink Pen, Pink Paper. I swear I have been looking all over for this pen. But pink isn't my favorite color. Blue is. A lot of pens have blue ink though. I like wearing blue because it brings out the color in my eyes.

Oh yeah, do you guys want to know what Little Miss "There Are Too Many Jennifers" looks like?


My favorite thing about this picture? No, it's not the suspenders, or the triangle belt, or the Mallory Pike-y apple print shirt. It's not Jen's lopsided face, her over-application of blush, or the fact that she has the hands of an infant. What I like is that it wasn't ME who drew this. NO—according to the monogram in the corner, this stunner was created by one Sarah Betsy Alton.

It snowed real bad out here. Sarah is stranded in some restaurant in the middle of no where. Her aunt was driving her and her 3-year-old brother Adam (he is so, so sweet and cute) home. There was a real bad snow storm. A BLIZZARD!!!!! This old guy found them and let them stay at his restaurant. He lives above in an apartment.

Imagine Sarah's great disappointment when she FINALLY gets stranded due to a blizzard... and ends up in some old dude's restaurant instead of at the house of her beloved. Oh, the humanity.

Her parents called my mom about the movies. I feel so, so sorry for Sarah. I swear I will be nicer now that I know some of the things she's gone through. I don't know if I could've made it safely!

Jen totally would have perished in the old dude's restaurant. Thank God Sarah is so strong! She's a veritable ROCK, that one.

NEXT TIME: The rock gets pneumonia (not so tough after all, eh, Sarah?) and Gretchen gets bitchier.