The Pencil in the Rye

Hello? Hello? Are any of you still here? I think I may be jeopardizing my standing in the Worst Blogger Ever contest by posting, but screw it! I've missed you all terribly! Sorry for dropping off the face of the Internet the last couple of months. But I'm back (for now; let's not get too crazy with the promises), and—even more exciting—I've brought pencils with me.

But these aren't just any pencils. They are, like, the pencil equivalent of Jeff from Today's Special. Except they aren't mannequins, don't accessorize with vests and magical hats, and aren't friends with scooter-riding mice. They COME TO LIFE, is what I'm getting at.

Like this, only a pencil. And with less dancing.

[Image courtesy of Megsplace.com, which has way more info on Today's Special for those of you who are not mid-'80s Nickelodeon aficionados but would love to learn more about magical bevested mannequins. Possible disappointment alert: This mannequin does not make out with Andrew McCarthy.]

But where was I? Oh yeah, pencils. Our first inanimate objects were brought to life not by a magical newsboy cap, but by guest author Sarah.

Sarah says: In my school district, they gave you your permanent record when you finished high school, and my old writing competency tests were in there. I wrote this one when I was 8, in 1986.

The Pencil Story

Once there was a pencil who lived in a box. "I would die to get out of this box!" he said. He hated the box and all the other pencils too.

One day a kid with messy hair and grubby fingers picked him up. The boy took him to school. In his desk was a little red pencil "hi" she said. She looked just like him only red!

They had lots of fun together then the weekend came, they decided to run away. The red pencil said "Am I glad to get out of that dump." They went and moved under a low shelf. That was the greatest. They said "let's stick together forever"

Sarah says: I was given the minimum passing score for this story, which is totally unfair because once you look past the bad punctuation, it's basically the Catcher in the Rye of 120-word test essays—except for the uplifting ending where the pencils quit their jobs and live off the grid. Of course, this story does raise some disturbing questions (that no one ever asked because there were no mental health workers in my school. Plus, if you were quiet and did your work, no one ever wondered why your essay was not only written from the viewpoint of an opposite-sex protagonist, but also replete with phallic imagery...). But maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe a pencil is just a pencil, and I didn't hate everyone in my class...

Sada says: It's okay, Sarah. I'm glad you got out of that dump. I hope you've moved on to a "low shelf" of your own. I hear that's the greatest.

But don't think you're alone in channeling your preadolescent anxiety through phallic imagery. Part of the reason it took so long to post this (a small part, to be fair, but a part nonetheless) is that after reading Sarah's story, I had the craziest pencils-coming-to-life deja vu and was 99.9% sure that my sister, Genie, had written about the same thing. And? I was right.

Unfortunately, it took me three months to find it.

Pencil Tales offers a bit of a pencil potpourri, if you will (not literally—that probably wouldn't smell very good). It's also partially dedicated to our elementary school gym teacher, Mr. Powell, "who is a special friend, and has taught me many things I'll never forget." Is it just me, or is that a little weird? Especially in light of the whole pencils-being-shaped-like-manbits thing? Or do I just have lingering ill feelings toward Mr. Powell for forcing me to play newcomb?

"PENCIL PALS FOREVER"

Some people think pencils are just used to write with. Well, I'll tell you something, they're not. When you leave school at the end of the day, what do you think us pencils do? We climb out of those little slits in the desk.

Sada says: Freud would have a field day with this.

Well, it was a typical day. I was in my owner's desk, tired because he had used me so much today. The custodians were doing their usual nighttime watch to make sure no one's in the school that's not supposed to be in the school.

Sada says: That's right, the custodians had to clean toilets, sprinkle sawdust on our vomit, and then? They didn't even get to sleep at night! They had discourage intruders from breaking in and stealing high-cost items like the gym parachute or our green-screen Apple IIs. God knows someone had to make sure we could still play Lemonade Stand in the morning!

When I saw the flashlight fade away, I popped the two paint tabs off my eyes. Paint tabs are little tabs of paint that I used to cover my eyes and other things [Sada says: ?!] with, so no one sees my eyes. After I pulled them off, I blinked about 20 times. My eyes adjusted to the light. I pushed 2 other paint tabs off the spots where my arms are, then my legs. I got ready and squeezed out of the slit.

I got up to explore. I was on the chair. I jumped off, and landed standing up. I ran to our usual meeting spot. PiLinda, Paul, Pete, and Petunia were already there.

Sada says: I guess there's a writing utensil law mandating that all pencil names start with the letter P. Hence the extremely catchy "PiLinda."

"Hey, Peggy." Pete greeted me. None of us were related because we got shipped to this school by different pencil companies.

Sada says: Whoa, was that just an allusion to PENCIL SEX? I was unaware that you could breed pencils. They didn't show that kind of stuff on Mr. Rogers.

In related news, I just did a Google image search for "pencils having sex" and came up with nothing. The Internet is useless.

"Hi, what's up? I'm beat. Today my owner bit me. I felt so slimy," I said.

"The feeling is mutual." everyone agreed. They were all older than I, and had many more teeth marks.

I leaned against a piece of paper. I was beat.

Sada says: It's hard out here for a pencil.

Your days are numbered, buddy.

PiLinda's paint tabs were almost all the way back on(she's sleeping).

"PiLinda!!"I called. Her paint tabs pop off and fly half way across the room. She looked surprised, embarassed, and tired at the same time.

"I'm sorry." I tried to look sorry, but I cracked up, not on purpose, but it just all came out at once. Paul and Petunia joined me. Pete looked as serious as ever. We tried to get serious. It worked, kind of.

PiLinda ran away.

"See what you did?" Pete yelled as he followed PiLinda.

I ran after Pete and easily caught up.

"I said I was sorry, and I am." I was getting mad at Pete. I think that PiLinda has an awful bad temper. PiLinda and I are best friends. I met her when I came from a pencil company. I know PiLinda well. I ran past Pete. I almost caught up with PiLinda, but as soon as she saw me she sped up.

Sada says: So basically, a bunch of pissed-off pencils are sprinting around a darkened classroom? Just checking.

Also, it has not escaped my attention that these two are named Peggy and Pete.

You want to hire me to do your pencil portrait now, I know it.

PiLinda was out of breath, so she stopped.

"I'm really sorry."I say.

"That's ok." she says. "I just have been through a lot lately. My mother disappeared and my father's gone too, but, please, try not to tell anybody."

Sada says: You see what happens when you lose a pencil? YOU TEAR A FAMILY APART.

Just then Pete walked up, looking REAL mad.

"Are you all right, PiLinda?" he asked her.

"Yeah, but I really need to talk to Peggy. It's important, but I would appreciate it if you went back and told everybody else we're ok."

Pete nodded, and started jogging back.

Jogging pencil clip art FTW!

(Not that this in any way makes up for the lack of pencils sexing it up.)

(Also, I can't for the life of me figure out why the pencil has fangs. Twilight, must you ruin everything?)

When he was out of sight, PiLinda started again, "Everyone has been ignoring me lately. I feel as if I belong somewhere else..." She caught her breath. "I miss my parents, and lately, I'm so sleepy and mad...but I feel so awful."

"Don't worry." I said and started to cry. "My parents died before I got shipped here." I sniffled.

Sada says: Angst: a universal theme in pencil lit.

"Oh-my-goodness." PiLinda said sadly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that. I'm really sorry. I am."

"I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want any special treatment." I admitted.

"That's ok, I like you just the way you are, Peggy. Pencil Pals Forever?" she asked and started to giggle about how dorky that sounded.

"Yeah," I laughed. "Pencil Pals Forever."

Sada says: Aaaaaand that's nearly the same ending as the first story, with the disaffected pencils swearing their allegiance to one another. Pencils... so predictable!

If you weren't already in pencil paradise, this story is followed up with some pencil poetry. I'll scan this so you can fully appreciate the genius. It's an acrostic poem, in which the first letter of each line spells the word "PENCILS" (the "L" line is my favorite, btw), but also? Those letters are themselves MADE OF PENCIL.

"PENCILS"

Perfect writing utensils

Erasers at the bottom

Needs to be sharpened when it gets dull

Constructed out of wood

In them is lead

Like pens

Sharp pencils are best

Sada says: In them is actually graphite, but I guess I shouldn't quibble with a fifth grader.

In the book's final installment, Genie gets post-apocalyptic on our asses.

"IF I HAD THE LAST PENCIL IN THE WORLD, I WOULD WRITE..."

If I had the last pencil in the world I would write...

Sada says: The next section is handwritten in pencil. I know that seems like a no-brainer in a book called Pencil Tales, but the rest of it was typed. Perhaps to better impart the seriousness of this message scrawled by the world's lone pencil.

November 14, 2059

I know that in a few hundred years someone will find this and wonder what a pencil was. Pencils were things used for writing. They are made of wood and lead. (I am using a pencil to write this right now. Trees have wood in them. I have heard from my grandmother (who lived in the 90's) When she was a little girl, at her school (and in the whole state) was celebrating "Earth Day."

Sada says: Grammar and punctuation have degenerated by 2059. Also, trees have wood in them!

Earth Day was a time to think about our Earth, how to save it. At my grandmother's school they gave out seedlings to everyone. The purpose was to have 500 children plant them to provide more oxygen for us + more wood, etc. Earth Day also encouraged people to recycle. Obviously, no one did, or there would be a much better Earth today. This pencil is about to brea (k)

BY ARIA KAWILDON

Sada says: The final bit was in pen (which we all know is like pencil) because the last pencil in the world couldn't stand to write another word about the farce that was Earth Day. And apparently the last pencil sharpener in the world bit the dust first.

Here's my question: What kind of damage would we need to do in the next 49 years in order for a fifth grader to wind up with possession of the world's last pencil? Man, we better start recycling!

NEXT TIME: What is quite possibly the storytelling-est picture of all time. It contains an exercise montage. And a third grader with cleavage.

Welcome to Tademy Academy: Part 2

LAST TIME: Our narrator, Frankie "Franks and Beans" Chapman (I am so waiting for someone to address her as "Franks and Beans") and her pals spent upwards of five hours picking out clothing for the first day of 7th grade, only to end up in Aeropostale jeans and Keds. WTF? Meanwhile, they were asked to pledge Tademy Academy's most exclusive "social society"—and unabashed drill team mafia—the Deltas. But in order to join the Deltas, the gals have to do "something spiteful, something forward, something embarrassing, and something scandalous"— and of course, something involving Axe body spray.

When we left off, Frankie had just Dropped the Donut onto the chair of one Ella Gris, leaving her with a Boston Creme backside. Still to come: Fliss must tip Tara Luna's tray in the cafeteria; Kenny will leave a forged love note in Charlotte Reyes' locker; Lyndz has to cut off Casey Wallace's ponytail; and Rosie (the orphaned Texan with the fake British accent) has to rig Raquel Weaver's locker with frogs that will chase her toward a magical banana peel that somehow triggers a bucket of chili to empty its contents onto her head. Like taking candy from a frigging baby!

Baby: Raquel Weaver; Dude with the giant lollipop: Rosie Fine

(Not pictured: Frogs, banana peel, bucket of chili)

As I said last time, our 14-year-old guest author, Kylie, claims she wrote this story when she was in fourth grade—but as Detective TKOG pointed out, Juno was released in 2007 and Bumpits weren't on the market until 2008. Kylie? You can come clean. We don't care if you wrote this last year. One thing we're not disputing is that this story is stellar. Also not in dispute: the fact that I would transfer out of Tademy Academy faster than you can say "bucket of chili."

Welcome to Tademy Academy

Ch. 2

After I DTDed, Fliss collected her ammo. Her weapons of choice: a plate of spaghetti, yogurt, and chocolate milk. She started her walk of shame towards Tara. I was so excited. Who’s dissing my Keds now?

Sada says: So this is the point at which I realized that Tademy's social societies aren't terrorizing unpopular kids—they're going after each other! They're basically warring factions of pretty people. It would be like if the cast of 90210 went to Bayside High, and Lisa Turtle made Brenda Walsh sit on a donut, and then Jessi Spano dumped a bucket of chili on Donna Martin's head. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome.

Fliss walked slowly, with all loose strands of her sunset brown hair tucked behind her ears. Soon, she was right in front of Tara, who had just put her own tray down. Fliss cringed from fear, tilted her tray, and food went flying all over Tara. There was spaghetti in her hair, yogurt all over one of her rich fashion designer shirts, and chocolate milk all over her Skechers.

Sada says: I love how Frankie name-checks Skechers but doesn't specify the "rich fashion designer" behind Tara's shirt.

“ Nice look, Tara,” Fliss said.

“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” Tara yelled. But no one heard her, because they were all pointing and whispering about her. Pointing, whispering, and giggling.

After that, we all went to our dorms.

“Okay, guys,” Kenny said. “How should I write the letter?” After putting our heads together, we wrote this and sprayed it with the Axe.

Kylie says: I am cringing as I read this. I mean, "Who’s dissing my Keds now?" And "ammo"? And "sunset brown hair"? What the hell? And Axe? Oh, what great humiliation!

Sada says: YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT THE AXE! The repeated Axe bashing is one of my favorite things about this story. Or maybe one of my favorite things about anything, ever. Also, wait, are you saying that sunsets in Australia are not brown?

Dearest Darling Charlotte,

I have admired you from afar since the second grade. Maybe you won’t believe me, but I love you. If you say you don’t love me, it will break my heart. So please say yes. If you love me too, meet me by the fountain in the courtyard at your school at 3:00. Don’t worry about missing that assembly. It’s not even mandatory. I know about the assembly because I saw the flyer you designed. You’re the best artist ever! As soon as we meet, we can talk even more about this beautiful relationship in bloom.

XOXO,

Dominick Fitch

We were inspired by the love letter in the book, Bridge to Terabithia, we must admit.

Kylie says: As in, I was really lazy, so I stole half the letter from Bridge to Terabithia.

Sada says: But nice—and not at all creepy—addition about the non-mandatory school assembly. Romantic!

We shoved it into her locker the next day, while it still reeked off Axe. We woke the next morning at 7:00 am and got dressed. Then, we went into the hallway.

“Ew, what’s that smell?”

“I think it’s coming from Charlotte’s locker.”

Charlotte walked into the hall. “ Ew, what died in my locker?” She opened it up, and traced it to the Letter.

Sada says: In case you missed it, Axe body spray? Smells like death.

“Someone has a secret admirer,” said Piper Tademy.

“OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

“Open the letter,” Kenny insisted sheepishly. She started shuffling her sneakers, and averted her eyes from Charlotte.

After Charlotte read the letter, she sighed and said, “Dominick Fitch.”

The day seemed to drag on and on until Assembly. Then, all eight girls who were in the hall came out to watch. It was 3:30, 4:00, and then the dreaded 4:30.

Sada says: Not the dreaded 4:30! Anything but that!

It had been a full hour, and Dominick hadn’t showed up yet.

Charlotte decided to text him.

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

Dom, where are you? I’ve been waiting for an hour!!!!

From: Dominick

To: Charlotte

For what?

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

Aren’t you meeting me to talk about our relationship?????? You wrote me that letter. You do want to meet at the fountain in the courtyard at Tademy Academy, right? Did you mean the fountain in the park? Or the one at Carlyle College?

Sada says: That is SO more than 160 characters. Plus, you could really get your fountains crossed in this town. Yeesh.

From: Dominick

To: Charlotte

I don’t now what you’re talking about. What letter?

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

The love letter you left me in my locker. It smelled like Axe but that’s totally forgivable.

Sada says: Is it, though? IS IT?

From: Dominick

To: Charlotte

I never wrote you a letter. I don’t even know your last name.

I’m serious.

From: Charlotte

To: Dominick

Oh. I’m sorry I bothered you.

After that, something that never happens happened. Charlotte Reyes screamed, went up to Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes, her rival, and punched her in the face. It was a very unCharlotte thing to do. Usually, Charlotte would burst into tears and run away. I guess that she finally had enough. At least she didn’t know it was Kenny, or else she would have had a serious nose bleed like Carter.

Kylie says: Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes???? What the hell was I thinking????

Sada says: This is why two people with hyphenated names should never breed. Take heed, blog readers.

Ch.3

“I feel like a total…..a total…. Ugh, I can’t even say it,” Kenny said.

“Jerk?,” Fliss said.

“Me too.”

“ Ugggh,” I moaned. I didn’t know it would be this bad. Is being a Delta really worth it?

Just then, we heard a knock on our door.

“ I’ll get it,” Rosie shouted.

It was Carter. She had a giant welt on her nose. “ I was wondering if, like, any of you guys had one of those large nose bandages? I kinda need one? The nurse’s office is all out?”

The nurse's office RAN OUT of nose bandages??
Although I guess I can see why the girls at Tademy would be throwing lots of punches.

“What happened to Charlotte,” Kenny asked nervously.

“Like, nothing? Like, I would never tell on a fellow Tademian? I just said someone accidentally threw a volleyball at me? All I know is that I didn’t write that letter? I mean, I hate Charlotte, but not enough to stink up her locker with Axe? I mean, I don’t even own Axe, and….. OHMYGOD!? There is, like, Axe on your dresser? Kenny, it’s like all your fault?

No wonder you looked so, like, ashamed?”

Kylie says: Oh, Carter is a dumbass! At least she catches on fast.

Sada says: She might have a mile-long name and turn every sentence into a question, but Carter Gonzales-Fiore-Mason-Barnes is the only character in this story with ethics. She would never tell on a fellow Tademian, and she flat-out says that she wouldn't wish Axe body spray on her worst enemy.

I realized then that maybe we didn’t want to be Deltas after all. But that was a huge maybe. One part of me didn’t think it was worth it. Another part, the larger part wanted it so badly it would kill.

Sada says: NO. WAY. Did she just imply that it's a short road from Boston creme butt to MURDER? God, I hope Andy Tachman doesn't find out about this. (squeal!)

I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was to be afraid of Carter Gonzalez-Fiore-Mason-Barnes.

******************

“OMG. Kenny, this will really cheer you up,” I said at lunch.

“ It’s worth a shot,” Kenny sighed.

“ Guess what movie they’re showing at the Carlyle College Performing Arts Center.”

“ No way! EEEEKKK!!!!”

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 16

7:00 PM

WISH UPON A STAR

Sada says: According to IMDB, this movie is a Freaky Friday ripoff about a brainy girl whose wish to trade places with her popular idiot of a sister comes true, and in the process everyone learns a little something about themselves and each other. (I'm paraphrasing.)

“Wait,” Lyndz said. “Today’s the day I pledge.”

We all groaned.

“Here comes Casey now,” Rosie said.

Casey Wallace had wanted to be a TAS since the fourth grade, which, in my opinion, is not a very long time. Then again, Casey Wallace is not a very commited person.

Sada says: You have to have wanted it since you were FIVE, people! Five or NOTHING!

She sat down in her seat and Lyndz whipped out the safety scissors. She leaned slowly, towards Casey, and snipped off the whole ponytail at once. Casey didn’t even feel a thing.

Kylie says: OMFG. And that’s where I left off. Damn.

Sada says: I second that damn! I thought we were going to put frogs in Raquel's locker! I mean, WHERE IS THE BUCKET OF CHILI THAT I WAS PROMISED? This is very upsetting. Though, to be honest, as I read over the plan, I was like, "Hmmm... how are they getting away with this crap? Is it possible that all of the teachers at Tademy Academy are vision-impaired?"

But I regret that we'll never know whether guilt got the best of the girls, or if their lust for drill team glory and the lure of a guaranteed date to every dance were too strong. And did the TASes just take this abuse, or did they strike back and give the Deltas a bucketful of their own chili?

Um... does anyone know a fourth grade ghostwriter we could hand this off to?

NEXT TIME: The first in a series of hilariously terrible illustrations that I'm going to call Every Picture Tells a Story. Sixth grade will be coming soon, but in the meantime maybe I can post more than twice a month? I think I can, I think I can...

The Strangest Thing Happened on Halloween

According to my fifth grade journal, my three favorite books that year were Just As Long As We're Together, The Search for Grissi, and Sister of the Quints. You see, I was into realistic fiction. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed a good yarn about dolls reenacting murders or a ghost who turned roses to mush while helping to uncover some hidden savings bonds as much as the next gal, but horror? Suspense? Mystery? I wouldn't say they were "my thing." So when we had a class assignment to write a Halloween story, I tried to come up with something I could actually imagine taking place. The result: The Strangest Thing Happened on Halloween.

Maybe I should have defined strange, because if we're being honest, stranger things have definitely happened on Halloween. Stranger things might even be happening to you, like, right this very second. Cleaning out my refrigerator? Possibly stranger that what happens in this story.

Okay. Now that your expectations have been sufficiently lowered, proceed.

The Strangest Thing Happened on HALLOWEEN...

This book is dedicated to Katie, who thought up the name, "rat zoid"

Okay, let me start my story. My name is Carol. All of this started when I had my Halloween sleepover...

(First, let me tell you I invited: My best friend, Tina, plus: Janey, Melissa, Ginger, and Tracy.)

It's worth noting that each girl's name is penciled in a different handwriting. Melissa cops the obligatory Stacy McGill, but it's Tracy who takes it to the next level. Her T looks like it was crafted out of cotton candy, and the Y is so curlicued that it resembles a snail shell more than a letter.

They all came.

The first thing we did was eat. We ate: pepperoni and sausage pizzas from "Little Caesars," 1 liter of Minute Maid orange pop, 1 liter of Coke, and ice cream for dessert.

Apparently none of them know how to make their own dip. Amateurs.

Then we changed into our pajamas (which was mostly shirts). We set up the sleeping bags. I popped "Beetlejuice" into the VCR.

Let me clarify this "mostly shirts" thing. Because there will be no pillow fights leading to preteen make-out sessions here. In 1989, it was perfectly acceptable to wear just a shirt to a sleepover. That's because the shirt would be approximately 25 sizes too large for you and come down past your knees. My best (read: hugest) one was purchased at Cedar Point, after my sister and I had been soaked to the frigging bone on the Log Ride and desperately needed a wardrobe change. So, technically, grossly oversized shirts were not just for sleepovers. They could, in a pinch, be worn around amusement parks.

Halfway through, my big brother, Rob (he's in high school) came down and insisted that after we watched the second movie (Psycho III) to come up to his room.

After Beetlejuice, we couldn't stop exclaiming over what we liked best. The special effects were so neat!

Neat!

I excused myself to make some popcorn. I came back soon, carrying a huge bowl of buttered, salted popcorn.

Where were they? The girls had disappeared!

"I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" cried Ginger, cackling. The other girls followed her lead.

I turned around quickly. They had come out of thin air. NO KIDDING!

I screamed. I didn't mean to, I just did. It was like some demon... "I'm posessed!" I shrieked.

By that time Tracy had had it. She fell on the floor. She was crying. WAIT A SECOND! She was laughing so hard she was crying!

"Oh, come on, Carol, can't you take a joke!" exclaimed Tina. She trying to ignore hysterical Tracy.

"Oh, get off it, Tracy!" snapped Melissa. "Grow up!" Tracy immediately stopped.

"Boy." I heard her mutter.

Well, I don't care if they dot their i's with hearts or not, Tina and Melissa seem like a-holes.

Obviously, Janey had to [I believe she'd "had it too"] because she said, or she cleared her throat and said, "Let's watch Psycho III." She rolled her eyes at the same time.

So we did.

Melissa pouted because she couldn't eat the popcorn (braces). Janey refused to go to the bathroom without someone guarding the door. The bathroom scene had really freaked her out.

During the bathroom scene, someone is beheaded while, ahem, using the facilities. A screening of Psycho III pretty much guaranteed that at least one sleepover attendee would be afraid to pee for the rest of the night.

While Tracy guarded, the rest of us went into my room. Janey didn't know the vent in there led to the vent in the bathroom.

Really? The vent in the bathroom leads to her bedroom? That sounds awfully unfortunate for Carol. In my house, there was a vent in the living room that led to the basement, and this architectural boon figured prominently in many of our haunted houses. In my mind, vents were an obvious vessel for auditory terror.

"Oooweee!" moaned Melissa.

"Auuuiiiauuuuiii!" groaned Ginger.

"Ab Eb Eeb! Ab Eb Eeb!" cried Tina.

"Eeeeek! Eeek!" I shrieked.

I'm sorry, but Ab Eb Eeb? AB EB EEB? What is THAT?!

Janey freaked. She flushed the toilet, fumbled with the lock, and freed herself.

We confessed.

Janey cried.

After she was comforted we went to Rob's room. Where was Rob? Everybody was disappearing! The door creaked open...

And a squeaking bat flew into Melissa's face! She screamed. It flew into the hallway and out an open window.

Meanwhile, we all crept inside.

We'd only gone a few steps when my foot fell in something wet. I put my bare foot back into the hall; into the light.

I screamed. BLOOD! There was blood on my foot!

The first thing I thought was Rob. A bat. A puddle of blood on the floor. It all fit. The bat must've bitten Rob!

Then I remembered.

It was Halloween. I was having a sleepover. We had just watched a scary movie. I had a rat zoid for a big brother.

"A haunted house!" Ginger squealed with delight. "I can't wait!"

So we went back in.

My sister and I were WAY into haunted houses... as long as we were staging them ourselves. Did we like being scared? Mehhhh. But we loved to scare the crap out of others! Or, uh, try.

A Few Essential Items for Your Haunted House:

1) A well-placed vent (as discussed earlier).

2) Creepy sound effects. Our tape of Disney's Thrilling, Chilling Sounds of the Haunted House (surprisingly awesome and now available on iTunes!) was a favorite, although we did make our own tape at one point. Feel free to get creative.

3) Rubber bats. We usually had a few on hand.

4) Toys covered in blood. We liked to decapitate Barbies—plus remove all of their limbs—and then depict their wounds using red nail polish. (Warning: It turns out that nail polish is kinda difficult to remove, so your Barbies may forever after have a bit of a "bloody" look.)

We all shrieked while walking through the blood. Then things started happening. Things I can't explain.

Janey tripped over a dead body.

She freaked again. She fell on the floor, crying over and over, "I swear to god I stepped on a real hand!" But we had to go on. Rob would brag at school.

They were scared, but they had to keep going ON PRINCIPLE, guys. Also, "I swear to god I stepped on a real hand!" seems like an unwieldy phrase to repeat. I swear to god I stepped on a real hand! I swear to god I stepped on a real hand! I swear to god I stepped on a real hand!

A monster grabbed Tina. She shouted, "Get off, you idiot!"

While at the same time a huge something flew into Ginger and Tracy became entangled with a real live snake.

We freed ourselves and left, shouting unkind, unladylike things at Rob's room and at Rob, wherever he was.

"Jerk!"
"RAT ZOID!"
"I swear to god I stepped on a real hand!"
"Ab Eb Eeb!"

Well, we tried to forget the haunted house.

We ate, gossiped, played Truth or Dare, told ghost stories [yeah, that'll help you forget the haunted house all right], raided the refridgerator, told secrets, said nasty things about Rob, and etc. until 5.

But we still wonder what had happened.

Where had Rob been?

Were there spirits at my sleepover?

Were there demons running the haunted house?

Was it blood that stained Janey's P.J.'s?

Was the scratch on Tina from a real monster?

WILL WE EVER KNOW?

Um, do we really need to call Robert Stack in on this one?


Because my questions are more along the lines of:

Where were Rob and Carol's parents?

Do Rob and his friends really have nothing better to do than scare a bunch of 10-year-old girls by playing dead and throwing borrowed snakes around?

Is there such thing as remote-controlled bats?

WILL WE EVER KNOW?*

*Well, I don't have any final word on Rob and his reptile-renting habits, but I'm thrilled to report that the answer to the remote-controlled bat question is a resounding YES!

Carol, have you ever thought that maybe Rob just loves technology?

So I guess... kudos to Rob? I mean, that elaborate haunted house definitely put my vent wailing and quartered Barbies to shame. I just hope it was worth it, Rob. You do realize Janey had to buy a new enormous nightshirt, right? I hope you're proud of yourself.

My teacher's verdict? "Sada, this is WONDERFULLY written." And I got a check PLUS. Booyah!

NEXT TIME: Plan A: I really wanted to reminisce about my Halloween costumes of yore, but all of the Halloween pictures have gone MISSING from my parents' photo albums! So unless Robert Stack steps in to investigate this, I'll probably have to move on to Plan B: a continuation of The Sig Saga, including one of my (thankfully, unsent) letters to my elementary school crush. The shock! The horror! And—most of all—the embarrassment.

The Babysitter: Now with 100% Less Babysitting!

Hi. Remember me? Like a month ago I promised you babysitters being stalked by soul-sucking demons from hell? Well, the bad news is that my guest author (commenter extraordinaire Cory) couldn't wait and started posting this story on his own blog. (Really, I have no one to blame but myself.) The good news? We decided to post it here anyway! It's Halloween, people! And everyone loves a good soul-sucking demon!

[Side query: Do we think the parents of Stonybrook, CT, would leave their children in the care of one of Satan's minions? I vote yes, especially if it meant they could get out of taking them trick-or-treating.]

Anyway, Cory wrote this epic in seventh grade (yeah, I'm breaking my own chronology rule—sue me) under the influence of Goosebumps, Scream, and numerous other horror films involving stupid teenagers, urban legends, and/or Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Cory says: It was originally supposed to be about the old babysitter urban legend, the one about the man calling repeatedly and asking, "Have you checked the children?" It quickly evolved (or is it devolved?) into a story about a demon collecting souls in order to summon Satan to the world and cause mass destruction.

The Babysitter

Characters

• Faith:16yrs old The Babysitter. She is very concerned about her friends.
• Lily:15yrs old Faith's best friend. She is like Sheep: she does everything Faith does.
• Kris: 15yrs old Faith and Lily's friend. She is very lazy when it comes to school work
• River:14yrs old Faith's brother. He and Faith fight a lot.
• Colby:17yrs old Faith's boyfriend. They are having trouble with their relationship.
• Lauren:15yrs old Faith's arch nemesis. She and Faith used to be friends.
• Salem:16yrs old Faith's friend. He often gives advice to Faith and Lily and Kris
• Drew:5yrs old Faith is babysitting her. She is very spunky.
• Maryn:8yrs old. Faith is also babysitting her. She thinks that she is too old for a babysitter.

Cory says: I’m a big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so you could often find at least one character named after someone on that show. In this story, it's Faith.

Sada says: Hmm, what about the character named after Sabrina the Teenage Witch's pet cat?

Prolouge

"Why does it matter where I was?!!," screamed Faith. "Bvecause you didn't meet me like you said you would!!!," screamed Colby. "You know what?," said Faith. "I'm sick of this! I forgot, okay!?! But it's too late. I am dumping you!"

Cory says: I doubt people actually say “I am dumping you” when they’re dumping people. I had no experience with relationships when I wrote this, and it shows.

Sada says: No, no, you wrote this in seventh grade, when people actually DO say "I am dumping you" when they're dumping people! Relationships: so much less ambiguous in junior high.

"What?," asked Colby. At first his tone was full of sorrow. But than it turned to anger. Faith could also detect some hate in his voice. "You can't leave me. I'll kill you first."

Cory says: This is the first sign something is wrong. Either Colby is a psychopath, or something else is horribly wrong. "What could it be! Why is Colby acting like this?" That's the reaction I was going for when I wrote this.

Sada says: My reaction? Colby is a psychopath. Also, "trouble with their relationship" was kind of an understatement.

Faith backed away in fear. He ran toward her. Faith ducked under him. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Colby lunged at her as though he was pocessed [Sada says: The key word here is "possessed." Sorry, I meant "pocessed."] She held her knife out but Colby didn't stop. Faith gagged at the sound of ripping flesh.

Cory says: I was apparently a very macabre child. This is supposed to be the second sign that something was wrong, and thus rule out the whole “Colby is a psychopath” theory. However, I’m fairly certain that some psychopaths, if not all, would run themselves into a knife… after all, most psychos aren’t playing with a full deck.

Colby stepped away from her, the knife still sticking out of him. To her surprise, Colby laughed.

Cory says: Finally, I present you with the third sign something is wrong.

"I'm not what you think," he said. His face was immediatly transformed. It was demon like. "You can't win," the demon said. Colby fell to the floor. A sort of spirit left Colby's body. "What happened?," he said. Faith knew at once she had made a terrible mustake. "It's okay," she said. But it wasn't okay. Faith knew it would never be okay.

Sada says: Is Your Boyfriend a Psychopath?: A quick quiz

1. When you dump your boyfriend, what is his reaction?

A. He tells you he'll kill you before he lets you leave him.
B. He tells you he'll kill you before he lets you leave him, and then a demon comes out of his body.
C. He says, "Nuh-uh! Because I'm dumping you first!"

2. You are forced to pull a knife on your man. What does he do?

A. Throws himself on the knife like it ain't no thang.
B. Throws himself on the knife like it ain't no thang, and then a demon comes out of his body.
C. Throws a tantrum until you give him the knife.

3. Let's say you stab the boyf. What happens next?

A. He laughs.
B. He laughs, and then a demon comes out of his body.
C. He laughs and laughs, because the knife was a prop and now there's fake blood all over the place that you'll have to clean up. Ha ha!

Results:

Mostly A's: Yeah, your boyfriend is totally psycho.

Mostly B's: Congratulations, your boyfriend is not psychotic! He's just possessed by one of Lucifer's henchmen!

Mostly C's: Are you sure you're dating and not babysitting?

Chapter One

December 1st

10:34 PM

Faith unlocked the door to her house. "Mom, Dad, I'm home," she called out. "Why are you home so late young lady?" asked her dad angerly.

"Colby is in the hospital," she replied, holding back the tears that were welling in her eyes."What happened!," asked her mother, who was clearly shocked. "Well, he was, um, drunk, I think, and he attacked me. I got a knife and he...he...." She could hold back the tears no longer. Her mother held her. "There, there," said her mother soothingly.

Cory says: Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that he was drunk. After all, he's only 17 and you're only 16.

Sada says: I guess compared to the whole "possessed by a demon" thing, getting attacked by your drunken 17-year-old boyfriend is ho-hum? We do find out later that Colby had broken into his parents' wine cellar before The Incident. Demons have very developed palates.

December 2nd

1:23 PM

***

"That's terrible!," said Lily. "I know,"replied Faith. "I can't believe it either." said their friend Kris. "Can't believe what?" asked Lauren.

"I can't believe that this school is so big yet I keep seeing you," said Lily.

Cory says: Oh, man, this is about to be embarrassing.

"Well I can't believe that you were allowed out of your cage this morning," said Lauren, smiling.

Cory says: Worst. Comeback. Ever.

"Do you wanna start something?," asked Lily.

"Bring it on!," exclaimed Lauren. The girls lunged at each other.

Sada says: GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT! No, wait, we're getting off-topic. Let's see if we can bring it back around here. The girls lunged at each other, so...

This reminded Faith how Colby had lunged at her. She held her head saying "It's not your fault," silently. Kris seemed to notice that Faith was troubled. "Are you okay Faith?," she asked. Faith sat up. "Yeah," she said,"I'm fine."

Sada says: I don't have a problem! I can stop silently mouthing things to myself whenever I want!

"Whoa, stop!," said Salem as he pushed between Lily and Lauren. They ran around him and fell to the ground, Lauren biting Lily's arm. Salem ignored them this time. "I came over here for a reason, not to mess with these two," he said. "Um Faith, Kris, do you two want to come out to the Pizza Shack tonight?''

Cory says: Yes, I made the Pizza Shack up. I wish I hadn’t, but I did.

".....Sure," said Faith. "It might get my mind off of well, you know."

Cory says: I love how Faith was about to have a nervous breakdown, and now she’s acting like her situation with Colby was just some irritating event that she doesn’t want to think about.

Sada says: Nothing like a trip to the ol' Pizza Shack to help you forget about, you know, how you almost killed your boyfriend, who, you know, attacked you while under the influence of Satanic forces. It's nothing some cheesy breadsticks can't fix!

"Why don't we ask Lily?," asked Kris. "I have a felling that she and Lauren are going to be in detention today." Sure enough, two seconds later a teacher came and gave them detention slips for afternoon detention.

Cory says: No, Kris doesn't have precognitive abilities. I didn't go that far... in this story, at least.

Chapter Two

December 3rd

12:10 AM

Kris woke up. She looked at the clock on her computer. 12:10 AM! I need to get some sleep tonight, so I better get done with my report.

Kris looked at the computer. Written in large, bold type were the words OUTSIDE. [Sada says: Isn't that one word?] Kris looked around. No one was there. She decided to go outside.

Cory says: I have no words. Well, I have several, but they all essentially mean “dumbass.”

Sada says: And if you think the demon is technologically savvy now, just wait until he—SPOILER ALERT!—starts contacting his victims via cell phone. Just how extensive IS Verizon's network?

She got there and called out. "Hello? Anyone out here?" No answer.

She walked out, away from the door. It closed behind her. "Oh, crud!" she said. She was locked out. There was an extra key behind her house in the garden. She was going to get it. "If I had just not gone out this afternoon, none of this would've happened," she grumbled. Pizza hadn't gone well.

Sada says: WHAAAT? Pizza Shack didn't help Faith forget about her "relationship troubles"? CRUD! What good are you, cheesy breadsticks? What good, I ask?

Faith was really upset about Colby. He wasn't allowed to have any visitors besides family yet. Faith said she wanted to talk to him. Kris had this feeling that Faith wasn't telling them the whole story about what happened that night.

Sada says: Yeah, if I were her, I'd leave out the "I'm dumping you" part too.

Kris got to the side of the house. When she got to the garden she almost threw up. There lay someone, dead. He was covered in scratches and bruises. He also had some strange markings on his face, and he had many tattoos.

Cory says: The presence of tattoos was supposed to show that this dead guy was bad news. Now, I have nothing against people with tattoos. I actually have four, my father has eight, and my sister has thirteen. I think I meant for the tattoos to be creepy, stereotypical-gang-member tattoos… not that this guy’s in a gang or anything.

Sada says: I'm picturing prison tattoos. Those are bad news. Or at the very least not so aesthetically pleasing.

Despite the awful smell and the terror that was building inside of her, Kris bent closer to the body.

Sada says: Gross! Just how long has Bad News Prison Tattoo Guy been dead in Kris's garden?

She saw that the markings on his face looked ritualistic. Suddenly Kris remembered a serious thing. She didn't know why she had forgot it so quickly. Her computer had said "Outside". Someone was lureing her out here!!!!!!

Cory says: Seriously, it took her this long to figure out something was amiss.

Sada says: I love how it JUST occurred to her. Kris is maybe not the sharpest tack on the bulletin board.

She turned to run. She made it to the back door. Thats when she remebered that both doors were locked! Kris ran to the flower pot that hid the key. She went to grab it when something grabbed her. She turned and saw someone with the face of a demon.

Sada says: Is there some sort of Universal Demon Face that I'm not familiar with?

Does it look like this?

Kris ran to the neighbors yard. Her bare feet were freezing in the new snow that must have fallen when she was sleeping.

Sada says: So. Not only did Kris blindly follow her computer's order to go outside, she then managed to lock herself out in snowy weather sans footwear. Mister demon, sir? This is hardly a challenge.

When Kris got to the door, she banged on it heavily. She pounded it as long as she could before the demon ran to her. "Help me! Somebody please!" The demon started to grab her,but she was prepared this time.

Cory says: I’m confused about what, exactly, Kris was prepared for. There’s no mention of her fighting off the demon or anything.

Sada says: I think that "prepared" may be a relative term. I mean, we are talking about someone who failed to put on shoes before going outdoors in December.

She ran to the woods behind the neighbor's house.

Cory says: Everyone, not just Kris, conveniently lives near a forest.

The police station was just on the other side.

Cory says: Again, very convenient that she has to run through the forest to get to the police station.

Sada says: Convenient for the demon, maybe.

"Mua ah ah ah ah! Demons gone wild!"

Snow as falling again. Lightly at first, but it was very heavy by the time Kris made it to the half way point of the woods. The demon caught up with her than.

Cory says: You'd think a demon, who presumably has supernatural powers, would have caught up to Kris much sooner.

He grabbed her. It's grip was supernatural.

Cory says: Well, at least his grip is supernatural… whatever that means.

He opend a box.

Did it look like this?

Kris felt as if her soul was being absorbed. Kris fell to the ground, unmoving.

Cory says: I guess the lack of a soul equals unconsciousness. Who knew?

Sada says: If Kris knew, I'm sure she would have forgotten.

That might be the end for this entry, but believe me, my friends, The Babysitter is far from over. Since I've been having a hard time posting even my own writing with any regularity, we agreed that Cory should tell the rest over at his (new!) blog, Things That Are Here and Then Gone. His Part One has even more background info—and, you may not be surprised to learn, many less references to Joe Francis and the Girls Gone Wild empire (in fact, none). Or you can pick up Chapter Three, which contains ACTUAL BABYSITTING, plus a mysterious "lasting sleep" that sounds suspiciously like a coma, here.

NEXT TIME: Unsolved mysteries abound in The Strangest Thing Happened on Halloween, which I promise to post before Halloween.

Yes, I mean THIS Halloween.